Where responsible men were gone?“I dream to meet the reliable and responsible partner, but nothing is impossible, there are no such men any more.“ are sure by
of the Girl and the woman who address me with such problem often that responsible men died in general. Of course, it cannot be the truth. Responsible men also are among us.
They resolve issues of various character and are responsible for consequences of the actions. Are included in education of the children and care for themselves, the work and the family.
A question only in why such men do not surround some women.
“We together work with the husband“ - my client says: “We have together a rest at the weekend. The husband spends the day off is completely weakened, and I as usual do all homework. I clean, I prepare, I erase. He cannot even feed with evening of a cat. When I already am tired and I am ready to drop! “.
On my question why it does everything itself, the answer follows: “So it does nothing. I one pull all. Who if not I“.
Such women have satisfaction from awareness of own importance. To them it is really heavy how much they pull on themselves. But these burdens allow them to feel own importance, to reproach the others with their insolvency and connivance to household chores.
Such woman can think that she is irreplaceable. But such position is simply favorable to the man. He can have a rest as much as necessary, listening to complaints of the spouse and perceiving them as the price for own way of life. But you should not surround yourself with illusions that the man in such situation is full of gratitude.
The women who got into such situation should think of for the sake of what they are ready to undertake everything. Over the benefits. And if matter in self-affirmation, then can it is worth finding other ways to be realized.
Also everything forces to check desire undividedly to take responsibility in hand. I will give an example from the practice. I on reception had a young family which wanted to get the house.
The girl complained that her husband did not wish to get the house chosen by her. And her husband killed it the fact that he is an independent man, and everything was solved without his permission.
The matter is that the girl presented in advance what she wants. To be reconciled with smaller was not in its rules. She understood that if everything goes the turn, it can face opinion of the husband, surprises, decisions which will change circumstances. Therefore she independently began to look for housing options. Compared their prices. Rang round management companies. Organized trips to time convenient to it. And further insisted on own choice. Darling at the same time stood aside. His desires, comfort and opinion solved nothing.
Near the controlling girl there will be only such man who is ready “to resign authority“ and to transfer responsibility to her.
Such situation will not suit the responsible man.
Illusion of control is a protection against spontaneous reality. Accepting life in all its manifestations and surprises it is possible to find freedom and ease. The understanding of the limitation, its acceptance turns us into those who we are is - in the simple people capable to live in simplicity and harmony both themselves and others.
The problem of protection concerned also women and girls who did not get used to receive someone`s help or participation. For them it is equivalent to recognition of their vulnerability. Such women call strong. But inside they very fragile, gentle are also rather susceptible. Most likely once such girls felt own vulnerability and very much suffered from it. Invulnerability illusion - their protection. But when the man sees that his efforts in courting are not accepted and are even exposed as inappropriate, he stops doing attempts.
Such girls attract or men who have no internal “core“, or live with those who do not appreciate them. In both cases the man does not take responsibility for the relations, nobody needs it.
Vulnerability - initially is weakness. To recognize own vulnerability, to be able to show it - not to hide emotions, to empathize, be related to the interlocutor and to itself. Here that is necessary that it became strength of character.
Also responsible men pass girls who got used to the dependent relations.
The girl who is in the dependent relations with the soulmate is ready to do for it anything for, for example, pleasant words and attention in her address. And the dependent girl endows own requirements. So, egoism grows in the man. He receives everything that wants. Offenses escape to it punishment. He just does not see sense to take responsibility for the relations, the soulmate at any time will undertake it. Of course, the man can bear a liability in such relations. But to solve the conflicts or to correct the behavior for it it appears out of a zone of priorities.
It is difficult to cope with dependence independently. The best opportunity would be to address the expert with whom it will be possible to work not only a self-assessment, the relations with the partner, himself, people, but also the long offenses, harmful installations “closed“ in closets of soul of feeling.
Close and cordial relations are always risk. You will not be able to control them. Darling surely learns about your weaknesses. You will not be always the focus of attention of the partner and it is normal.
To try to tire out the world under the framework does not promise anything except bitter experience and disappointments. The idea is in advance doomed to a failure. The world does not give in to our whims. The Universe lives by the rules.
Illusions of invulnerability or control are only self-deception. It is necessary for own tranquility. But reality such is that people live and everyone is unique. Not to digitize the world, not to count talk, from pain not to hide. But it is possible to learn to find a high in spontaneity, to rejoice to pleasant surprises, to endure pain, to recognize the restrictions and to find in itself talents.
The relations is a laborious work both. And if you are going to draw a blanket of responsibility for them on yourself, it is worth representing, than it will turn back. Whether the received benefits will be worth it or it is worth finding them in other way.
Author of article Yulia Viktorovna Karagodina