I on light of all am lovelier? About love, blackmail and love to blackmail ofThan before people will understand that it a priori cannot and it is not obliged to all to be pleasant, for it it is better for those. There is no such law that people each other were pleasant. Then ranks of neurasthenics will sharply thin and articles on “How to Keep Love with the Help of a Paper Clip, Brilliant Green and Two Pigs“ risk to be left without target audience.
One little girl told me that she specially is on friendly terms with the neigbour in a school desk in spite of the fact that that constantly shpynyat it and affords mean jokes in its address. “I want that it became better that became dobra and treated me kindly“, - told me. To it it was so important that all loved it, even that little meanie. All loved it is universal and is unconditional.
There passed year. The neigbour did not become kinder. As a result young “Mary Poppins“, having been tired of her eternal jeers, asked the teacher to replace her and minimized the relations with the friend. Familiarly, truth? It is possible to try to wake up tender feelings in the person who initially was kind, but under pressure of vital circumstances, became angry to the world. But not in that who has a rage in blood.
And you are able to distinguish the person to whom it is bad, from the bad person? Personally I - am not present. I happened to see children of two - three years old with inclinations of very unpleasant person. And I happened to see the same children ten years later. Nothing was gone anywhere, inclinations safely develop, and I would not like to meet these children ten more years later. And we will want to be pleasant to these people too, and we intend to fight for their love up to the end?
How to explain to the child such difficult thing how need for self-acceptance, for a sober assessment of, for forgiveness of for discrepancy to someone`s ideal? When pretty often it meets the return. “You ate, you mean good and love the grandmother!“, “You did not make a bed, means to you to spit on my requests and on me to spit!“
seems to me extremely wrong to demand some victims from the child as confirmation of his love to us. It seems to me dangerous to blackmail with love. Therefore if we want to grow up the child self-sufficient, moderately self-critical (but not sprinkling to himself the ashes on the head in an occasion and without), it is necessary to stop it to blackmail. He is not obliged to eat porridge for the sake of love to us. If the doctor appointed to him is porridge every day or in the house there is nothing any more, and tell. If you were tired or for any other reason cannot prepare what he loves, and tell.
If you are irritated by an untidy bed, and tell. Yes, you risk to receive in reply: “Irritates you, you and clean“. Then quietly move away her. With probability in 70% you will not manage to make it because the child will approach you and with a sigh: “Oh, well give here already“, will make everything. Because it will be a shame to it. It is a shame because he loves you. And still because you did not begin to go into hysterics in reply, did not become as speak in the Network, “to feed the troll“.
The better house “troll“ is fed, the it is heavier to persuade him to replace behavior model. Therefore you hold it on short rations initially - do not break.
You very much risk, manipulating such feeling as love of the child. At least because when he will grow up and you will not be near, he will feel the same need - to please someone, to be pleasant to someone. And it will find the one to whom to please. Also there will be the one who it with pleasure of signs. And not the fact that “host“ will be a decent person.
Many unmarried women feel awkward only from - for the fact that in society to the adult lady it is accepted to be married. Here also suffer. Here also wait, read, “how to keep love“ and that with itself still to create to be pleasant to the one who spat already them three times. For the sake of what is accepted.
The same little girl very much wanted to call the boy, to call him to take a walk. The first reaction was - to forbid. How? To call the boy? The first? But I resolved, only asked it to wait two days, suddenly it will be shown itself or her desire will be gone. It was not shown and was not gone. To me it was curious how the child will behave. And I was not disappointed because it was the promptest farewell to the boy in my life.
“Hi, the Value, and went for a walk with me? Is not present? Well, give then, so far.“
In its voice and a shadow of offense was not. It was not going to stop communication with it and was not going to pursue it.
- What, refused? - I ask.
- Yes from where I know. And you here know why at a cat of an eye shine?
Really why to find out the reasons why someone does not want to walk, work, be with you, to love you?
Yes, you are not obliged to eat porridge from - for love to the grandmother. You are not obliged to run from a lesson with all class. You are not obliged to smoke in a school toilet as the best friend. You are not obliged to stretch lips to ears because read that men love gubastenky. But you have the right to say when others prefer to be silent. You have the right not to remain indifferent when others pass by.
You are not obliged to do what contradicts your vital principles or human wants even if it ooochen strongly will be pleasant to someone. It is not egoism, not “love yourself, sneeze on all“. It is a sign of the personality. And therefore it is not necessary to spend the life for to be pleasant. You risk not to notice those to whom you are already pleasant. It what is.