Why with them it is so difficult?
How many fruitless efforts, chagrin and nerves “the difficult teenager“ brings? Adults complain: “Ours for quite some time now absolutely ceased to obey, is rude, lessons does not learn, from teachers constant complaints to discipline...“ . Teachers become exhausted, parents in despair, and to the teenager and that it is worse: the hung head, a look badgered, full of a call and offense on everyone and everything... Why so it happened? All wanted only good. And the matter is that the true reasons of serious violations of behavior of the child - in depth and, as a rule, are not realized by either adults, or the child. And here what else it is necessary to understand (and it is hard), and this understanding to be guided - “difficult“ children not the worst usually are among, and those who are especially sensitive and vulnerable.
They “descend about a rail“ under the influence of vital loadings and difficulties, reacting to them much earlier and stronger, than children “usual“. That is why the “difficult“ child needs only the help - and not criticism or punishments at all.
What stands behind violation of behavior of children?
the First reason - fight for attention. Children very often do not receive from parents of that amount of attention which is necessary for them for normal development and emotional wellbeing. Parents are too busy today and there is no task conscious - “to potter with it“. And when went to school, and even less so: “Grew already“. Therefore the teenager generally hears standard questions: “Ate?“, “Took a walk?“, “Learned lessons?“. And if everything is all right, communication stops, the child remains alone with the cares and interests, and even troubles. And it is difficult for children to reconcile with a parental inattention. Often they will directly ask mother or the father “to sit“, “play“, “take a walk“, and quite often are refused. And here then they find more certain way to draw attention: disobedience. The son will sit down at the TV instead of lessons, will not hang up clothes, the tape recorder will include to the full extent. Parents distract from the affairs, pour remarks: “Why again...“, “How many time to you...“ . It is impossible to tell that it is very pleasant, but the attention all - is received. Better it, than any.
the Second reason - fight for “victory“. The aspiration to take up over parents arises every time when it seems to the teenager that his right for independence, independence and self-determination is struck. This feeling arises when primary a form of communication of adults with children are instructions, remarks and fears. Parents consider that they do everything correctly: they to children have to impart the correct habits, accustom them to an order, warn mistakes, in general - to bring up. It - is undoubted, but a question in how to do it. If remarks and councils are too frequent, and orders and criticism are too sharp, then the teenager rises. The tutor faces obstinacy, willfulness, actions in defiance. Sense of such behavior for the teenager - to assert the right to solve the affairs and in general to show that it - too the personality. And it is not important that its decisions are sometimes not really successful, are even wrong. But they the, and this is important.
the Following reason - desire to revenge. Children, especially teenagers, are often offended on parents. The reasons can be very different: parents are more attentive to younger; mother divorced the father and in the house the stepfather appeared; parents constantly quarrel. It is a lot of also casual reasons for offense: sharp remark, outstanding promise, unfair punishment... And again at heart the teenager - experience and even suffering. And on a surface the same protests, disobedience, poor progress at school. The sense of bad behavior in this case can be expressed so: “You to me made badly - let and to you it will be bad too!“ .
I the last reason - shift of trouble from one sphere of life of the teenager in others. The boy can not have relations with schoolmates, a consequence the started study can be, and failures at school can lead to defiant behavior of the house... The low self-assessment of the teenager is the cornerstone of the shift of the mechanism of trouble. Having saved up bitter experience of failures and criticism in the address, it loses self-confidence. Its conclusion:“ There is nothing to try, all the same nothing will turn out“. It in soul. External behavior it shows: to it “all the same“, “and let bad“, “I will also be bad“.
we Will get accustomed: all initial aspirations of unsuccessful children are quite positive and natural. These are needs of nature of each child in heat and attention of parents, need for acceptance and respect of his personality, sense of justice, desire of success.
Trouble of “difficult“ children here in what: they sharply suffer from the fact that these requirements are not realized, and try to fill these shortages in the ways which fill nothing.Why they are so unreasonable
? Yes because do not know how to make it differently! And therefore any serious violation of behavior of the teenager is a signal of the help. The behavior he speaks to us: “To me it is bad! Help me!“ Whether the parent can help it? Practice shows what quite can. But for this purpose it is necessary to understand the nature of emotional trouble of the teenager at first. The task is, at first sight, difficult. As we saw, the different reasons give the same external picture.
And still the question how to learn the reason, is solved rather simply, though is unexpected. For this purpose parents need to pay attention to own experiences first of all. They have to know what feelings arise at them at violation of behavior and non-obedience of the teenager. It appears, at the different reasons emotional reactions at parents different. There is such surprising fact opened by psychologists: experiences of parents - a key to understanding of the hidden problems of the teenager! Let`s look what feelings correspond to each of our reasons. If the child fights for attention, continually annoying the disobedience and tricks, the parent has an irritation. Typical phrases which he at the same time says: “My God, again you...“, “As you bothered me!“, “When it will end?“. Feelings of parents absolutely others when the child fights for superiority.Let`s imagine
Father: “No, you will not go!“
Son: “No, I will go!“
Father: “And I forbid you!“
Son: “And I all the same will go!“
Father: “I will punish you and is very strong!“
Son: “Well also punish, I am not afraid!“
On a question that is felt in such cases by parents, they list: powerless rage, desire to break resistance, to punish. When sense of disobedience of the teenager - revenge, reciprocal feeling of the parent - offense. In these cases quite often you hear: “You try, try, and it is ungrateful! Unless I it deserved?“, at last, in case of “the trouble shift“ parents appear
I in the power of sense of hopelessness, a despair time. Their typical phrases: “I do not know what to do...“, “Tried everything...“. Proceeding from above told: it is necessary to learn to read the teenager, to be able to hear and listen to him, to be more attentive to him.