As to whom the father of
has to As life, the subject “not involvements“ of husbands in affairs family shows, their unwillingness to help wives and to take care of children - one of the most topical.
Somehow time I became the witness (reader) the Internet - discussions on this burning question. At a forum such hot debate was conducted that at me slightly the screen of the monitor did not poplavitsya from intensity of emotions - so there was hot.everything began
C of what?
One girl hung out a post about what in a family where the father works and provides a family, and mother sits with the small child and is engaged in a household - all duties are a priori distributed. Also mothers have nothing to ache that supposedly the husband does not give a helping hand, is not engaged in the child, came from work and failed in front of the TV, and the wife “too the person“, is necessary to it rest.
the Husband - that just implements the contracts clauses (money). And here the wife obviously shirks - tries to shift part of “work“ to the husband (ware, bathing, laying to sleep etc.). Moreover loudly is indignant if refuse to it under different pretexts (was tired, let`s have a rest, you do not see - a decisive match). Or just and do not answer with a nose in the computer signal.
A actually what he does not want to do is no need to saw and impose the unfortunate man to it. It is unpromising. And very much it is even silly.“Is not present
, understand me correctly, - the author of a post writes, - I consider that when the man has no desire to communicate with the child is a trouble“.
But if there is no this desire all - not it is necessary get the husband everyones not constructive “you have to“ (has to be the good father, has to devote free time to the kid, has to understand how it is difficult for me etc.) . Because and) nobody should not nothing to anybody, b) you gave birth to the child, so knew what you went on, and all problems have to be able to solve. Also it is not necessary to hope that someone will remove from you part of your work. Even if also husband.
That here began!
In language of young mummies it is called “to shower with slippers“. The author beat off as could, and was even supported by a handful of adherents, but was all the same buried under a heap of products of the shoe industry.
the Essence of heavy criticism was as follows. It is impossible to outline duties of the man only earning money. The man - he is many-sided as Yahweh. It not only husband, head of the family and sponsor. It also father. And it has to. To devote time to the child, to communicate with it, to play. Is not able? Everything once should study. Does not want? Just a moment! That means “does not want“? Education of the kid (conceived, by the way, by joint efforts) is a “zone of responsibility“ not of only one mother, and both parents. For this reason the proud nickname “getter“ is inseparable from an honorary title “the father of family“. And ranks - they such, time received, desire to correspond.
other branch of discussion In parallel developed. That housework and care of the baby is not rest in Hawaii. And hard work, sometimes routine, tiresome, monotonous. And the wife who, as we know, “too the person“, after the day of work also has a right to rest. And that somehow unfairly turns out: one parent, so emaciated, came from work home, switched and “not to touch me, I have a rest“. And another, “working“ at home, and the ware / subtyranny of bottoms without evening rest continues to plow on a washing field. No, without any rest. Without days off, holidays moreover and with night watches. There is no labor union on you, dear husbands! You would agree to such busy operating schedule? What, there are no persons interested at all? And what so? You and work - that do not consider house “sitting“ and education of the child. So, nonsense continuous. Go to yourself on the apartment, dirty, unkempt, drag several kilograms of snivels, in isolation, almost without communication and impressions. Not reports to write it. And not to listen to reprimands from the administration. And not to wave a pick. You will think, constant “Groundhog Day“. Husband`s - that field will be more difficult and more important.
However, the essence of a post was not in it, and that it is senseless to force the husband to show care and participation if he does not want it and does not do. Also there is to is no need to tyukat it the scary word from which any rudiments of desire will be gone irrevocably. It the author was answered so:“ adults of a lot of things are forced to do not absolutely voluntarily, but to dump everything on one only because the second does not want, and on coercion - anything good, it is infantile“. And it is cowardly. And not as a real man.
A that, actually, men? Their opinion in this especially female dispute somehow sounded? Sounded.
“And how to be in my case? - the most typical man wrote. - I for 5 months in the sea and only
?“ To live - that when“?
“And friends remained with your wife? - one angered forumchanka answered it. - And she when “lives“ how you think? You what, in 5 months did not miss on them? If for you “it is nearly constant to be with it“ is “not life“, then, I`m sorry, why you made a family? To have a snug home where it is possible to come to get warm - to eat in intervals between communication with friends?“the Seafarer did not answer
In general, many young mothers complained that their husbands live by the principle “life on the wife and the child does not come to an end“. Well, they do not want to plunge into all this house routine and it is excessive to strain. Especially after “labor penal servitude“. Most of men are sincerely convinced that it is given birth not for this purpose. There are still palsy-walsy, “cinema, wine and dominoes“, computer games, the Internet and a TV set. And why the man on top form of forces has to refuse all this? So and life by will pass.is shorter than
, the conflict of world outlook concepts is available. And how to resolve it? Alas, the answer to this question during that hot discussion did not manage to be found.
Ya I want to speak on this topic of the day too. Where my tribune?I will tell
At once that a situation when the husband (the young father and the getter) who came from work has a rest / relaxes / gains strength after heavy day of work, and the wife (young mother and the housewife) after not less heavy “watch“ continues to rush on the house as the got broom, I find wrong. Well, because I am a desperate fighter for gender equality against heightened sense of justice. And I consider that time by the end of day BOTH were tired, so both need to have a rest. And the best way to have a rest is what? Correctly - to replace a kind of activity. That is the husband is hit in the child`s teeth (and 100% disconnection of brains from problems at work), and the wife goes, for example, to shop (does not run! - and goes). One. Also breathes a full breast.
But it so - for clearing of a position. Further - on a subject.
In my opinion, all female offenses on husbands who “do not help“ “with the child are not engaged“ etc. go for huge inhuman fatigue together with global hormonal reorganization. It is time. And still they are caused by the fact that the exhausted and inadequate young mother does not feel and does not see husband`s support. (And sometimes does not feel it even if it takes place to be). These are two.
concerning mood and fatigue. Quite often husbands, it seems, also try in process of the opportunities and abilities to help the wife. But all the same owing to features of the moment (a storm and an impact of hormones) sit on a dock for callousness and inaction. I risk to be “showered with slippers“, but nevertheless I will tell: quite often a problem “you, a heartless cracker, do not help me“ exists only in the female head. And actually, “cracker“ tries to represent assistance. Just when every day on his eyes the volcano with a negative scattering the boiling irritation on all live within the apartment is thrown up, the most generous sincere impulses are buried under a thick layer of ashes.
Focus in what young mothers do not realize what with them is created. To them - that seems that a problem not in them. And in selfish spouses who do not care about fatigue of the wife, needs of the child and preservation of harmony in a family. This hasty verdict “is guilty“ heats a situation in the house even more. Skirmishes, quarrels, notorious “you have to“ accrue as a snowball. And both begin to think soon that else slightly - slightly and the end to all“ will come “.Is not present
, it is not a doomsday, but crisis is available. However, crises are in the habit to come to an end. A question - with what losses? And losses can be minimized. If the nobility why everything goes. And there is everything from... hormones which not so - that it is simple to calm down.to
Yes, first it seems (and to husbands first of all) that this continuous emission of negative energy, this discontent with everyone and everything will last eternally. And a former consent not to return. But it not so! Believe the skilled mummy: as soon as the female organism returns to normal when the lactation period ends, the real miracle will come true.
of Mother, do not pass this moment! Remember it!
the World will not change around, you change. And posm ó rub on it (and also on the husband and former problems) absolutely other eyes. I passed through it. I know what I speak about. Very many claims will disappear, reasons for the conflicts will seem petty, not being worth it to sort out the relations. And very much it will even be strange: how I could react to similar nonsense so violently?by
It is sure that now in eyes many had a mute question: the period of a lactation can last more than a year and what now - farewell, peace in a family? And how many firewood can be cut during this time?for
Well, in - the first, it is not obligatory at all that you will get (got) to the chosen circle of those “lucky women“, life which so strongly spoil hormones. And in - the second, it is quite possible that you will be able to control somehow emissions not of the most positive energy, and your husband will show huge endurance and will learn not to notice simply them (especially if reads these paragraphs). Anyway, about force and insidiousness of hormones you should not forget.
A now about lack of husband`s support. Hormones - hormones, but are not so rare situations when the spouse, really, does not help. That is absolutely. The TV, the computer, bar with friends after work and all this under the motto “I earn money“ and “not to touch me, I have a rest“. And wife to it: “you have to“. That in reply:“ leave alone, the shrew“.
What here can be told? I am a woman and I understand indignation of such wives. It seems to them that if for them a family - an unconditional priority if they give all themselves to the child, the husband and the house, forget about the desires, in many respects refuse to themselves, then and the husband has to arrive also. Because it is honest. And when women do not see the same eagerness, there are offenses and reproaches.I Will tell
a real true-life story of my acquaintance. In a month after the daughter`s birth she asked the husband to stop by after work in the REGISTRY OFFICE behind the birth certificate. What he by phone answered it:
- Perhaps itself you will come around, is closer to you?
Well, all of you understood. It is natural that after such words, the first that comes to mind, it “where there were my brains when I married it?“
Actually this huge disappointment - when you thought that you, the relatives, the family loving each other people, will go on life together, hand in hand, dividing all problems and pleasures. You will care about each other, to feel sorry, show sympathy, to support. And at the first serious test (the child`s birth) it turns out that the husband - the egoist, the idler, infantit, not the person interested to mature, take the responsibility and to worry about relatives.
Yes, this disappointment. But! I agree with the author of that post: infinite reproaches and even scandals to achieve that the husband took part in family life, it is almost impossible. But also it is impossible to stay idle too. Because the husband has to... Stop! And now apropos “has to“.everything understood
Ya! It in ours - female - psychology exists such concept as internal call of duty. I do not want (to prepare, to walk, wash the floors, on the tenth time to tell the same fairy tale), but I have to. Because it is necessary. Because if I will not make it, the family will remain hungry, the child will grow up sickly and undeveloped, will receive less maternal attention etc.
of the Man as it becomes clear, think in a different way. When own spouse (who cannot be referred to category of domostroyevets or infantile idlers in any way) declared to me that “there should not be call of duty, there has to be a desire“, I nearly failed. Means, so they think, these mysterious men. Well, they do not accept the word “has to“, it irritates them! What here you will do?
Turns out, it is necessary to clean this concept irritating and demoralizing men from the lexicon. And to replace it with something another. Because husbands have to (fie you!) ... Generally, somehow it is necessary to cause in them that desire to help the wife, to be engaged with the child, to think, participate, empathize.
Of course, readers at whom such “not involved“ husbands, will ask me as to achieve it. And if I tell:“ I do not know“, I will be showered not only slippers, but also dirty pampers, unpeeled frying pans and floorcloths.
My dear! I really cannot precisely tell how to make it because and) I have no personal experience of similar actions, b) each family is individual and therefore universal recommendations can not approach, c) I in general promised to give advice.
Ya as far as this subject is actual for many therefore as the observer from outside I can tell that as it seems to me, it is necessary to make.
A should arrive on - cunning. In - the first, about moaning and reproaches to forget, to try to stop up hormones.
In - the second, accurately to acquire most and to somehow convince the husband that the family is not game in one gate, and (to say) the union of two equal persons where nobody can do what would not like to see (to hear) from another. And it is consecutive, firm, without hysterics to put this installation into practice. The husband has to (again this word!) to understand that if he dares to meet in the bar friends, then also you are able to afford the same. If it has a decisive match today, then tomorrow you have a nice fellow Brad Pitt in a leading role. If the husband in the day off can have a sleep to twelve, your quiet time - after a lunch means. And slowly to accustom the husband to those household chores for which performance you from it wait. Tenderly, with a smile, shining from goodwill.
B - the third to find time and to make the written list: what specifically does not suit you at the moment and as it, in your opinion, can be changed. For certain it will become clear that not so there is a lot of things with which you are dissatisfied. Then to discuss it with the second half and to listen to his point of view. And then to try to reach compromise.I know
Ya that it is madly difficult. But, for some reason it seems to me that if to talk to the man properly, he will respond. Conscience - that at it is, only when she somewhere peacefully sleeps. And if does not respond, to solve to you whether you will be able is so farther to live.with
you are tormented for certain by a question: how to make so that between the father and the kid close connection was as soon as possible established? How to cause desire to communicate with the child in the father?
Absolutely free of charge I share as it seems to me, the best way of the solution of this vital task: at once on arrival from maternity hospital (and further every evening) the father the baby sling (for the lack of a baby sling also just strong male hands will approach) is given. There the most wonderful kid is located on light, and during a couple of hours and a rebyatenka nobody interferes with a unification of the father.
does not interfere!
Any “I can not“, “I am afraid“ and “was tired“. To the father nothing prevents to watch news on TV, urinate virtual monsters, to communicate in Schoolmates or just to doze on a sofa. The main thing - that with the kid on a paunch. Also do not forget: every evening!to
B a man`s “zone of responsibility“ allocates also daily procedure of bathing (the husband from work is late - is not late, the kid remains nekupany before arrival of the father) and laying for the night to sleep. After six-months age obligatory point is added to process of laying: fairy tales. Norm - three histories for the night.attachment So is born
.Everything is simple
. The more contacts - the understanding is deeper. The communication is more dense - the desire to be together is stronger.
On any discontent from the husband the answer one:“ this is your child, from 24 hours a day he has to at least two - to carry out three with own father. Just to get used to you, to remember and fall in love“.
I the last. It is necessary to be removed more often under different plausible excuses from the house. And the husband - on economy and the child. Let will understand how is to you.with
generally, answering a question of this chapter - as to whom the father has to - I will tell so. It is necessary for the father (we will forget about “has to“) to understand first of all that it is his family, his child. And if he remains is deaf to their needs if he and lives, following own desires and rushes, everything will be very much - very badly.
Now that`s something like it! Practically all men of Russia are equated to badly well-mannered in the childhood, to the rested and lazy egoists. But now we will give the floor to the party of protection.
First of all, there is a wish to tell that the problem of the relations of spouses after the child`s birth with this or that sharpness rises practically in all families (ours - not an exception). At one stumbling block there is a neprorykhlenny palm tree, at others - the wet bike, at the third - a TV set in the evenings. And all have a lots of small and big claims to each other.it is a lot of
of Variations, and an essence one: the wife upakhatsya, and the husband does not participate in life, and upakhivaniye does not see these, does not feel and does not appreciate.
A actually with the advent of children approximately following begins to occur.After the delivery mother is biologically programmed by
on nursing the child, and therefore completely gives herself to the kid - both a body, and soul. So nothing remains to the father. - che - go! To understand and accept it - here then, without preparation - it is very heavy.
Moreover, the father it is necessary to realize too the fact that he is a father now. And how you thought? Give it time. It is a lot of time. Women (who give birth and nurse) and those get used to the new status not at once what you want from men?
At the father no biological programs join, and he is still eager - love, attention, a cosiness. But thirst remains not satisfied.
Wants to caress the beloved?! It won`t work! In - the first, “I was tired“, in - the second, the most attractive parts of a female body which are torn to pieces from childbirth and feedings, in - the third, hormone of unwillingness of sex in connection with a lactation etc.
A to communicate to the wife as with the most loyal friend?! It too at the wrong door, because you to it about work, and it to you about pampers, you to it about the new movie, and it to you about gripes, you to it about the cares, and it to you...Is not present
, pampers and gripes too very much concern you, but not eternally to discuss them! You come back home every evening from the raging outside world, you have a heap of impressions and subjects for communication. Only they not strongly inspire the wife. All her thoughts - around the child. And yours, alas, not all.
of the Cosiness wanted?! Yes when to dig up this unfortunate palm tree and to cook soup (to wash socks, it is simple to be tidied up) when there are so much problems with the kid?!!!all this
I against a continuous negative. There is no concept “the father early came from work what well done!“ . In however many came - always late. There is no term “the father does household chores much and pays to the child much attention“. Always it is not enough.
In completion to everything at spouses life rhythms, as a rule, get off. The working man gets up early and goes to work, and is by midnight cut down closer, without having managed to put the head on a pillow. Mother when - is never capable at this particular time of similarity of private life. Only the husband already fell asleep...
Finishing the speech of the party of protection, I will tell: life - not sugar not only for newly made mummy, but also for the young father. Problems on both lean much. And the Big love and the Great patience help to cope with them.