The child without guarantee. Part 1
Six years ago ours “the royal family“ did not know yet that events of family history which will be apprehended by the surrounding majority as ours vital crash, actually will be an abrupt turn in other life. Personally I would never believe that future vital space - with a new profession, new friends and new reference points - so internally will correspond to me.
Grudges that in
the Time machine was not invented yet. But other human invention - the Internet - helped fine. In the Network I looked for answers to the most difficult questions to which neurologists and pediatricians could not respond.“ How to learn possibilities of the child?“ “What technique for occupations to choose at chronic “romances from finance“? “How to find the real experts - reabilitolog?“ Interested not only medical formulations, but also common family stories... How to get used to thought that the kid will never be an ordinary child? How to cope with the next attacks of excessive self-criticism and uncertainty in the future? How to learn not to notice curious eyes and not to react to tactless questions? How in the conditions of chronic fatigue to keep the normal relations with the husband?.
... Through some time the understanding came that if though you do something, but you do not fade with horror, on suffering there is no time left. The British proverb became darling in our family: “Do that has to, and be that will be!“to
Of course, periodically to tears there was a wish for both the sea warm beach, and a lot of new books, and nice things, and lags with friends in cafes, and full work: no, I am not given birth by the housewife. But whether the maternal instinct, whether the character which got from the father - the fighter pilot, drove away habitual female pity to itself favourite.If to me our family coat of arms sometime was necessary to approve
, I would order the heraldic image of a jug with cream and a frog paw over it: when everything terribl, unclear and unpromising, it is necessary to flounder even stronger on a dairy surface and to try to do “what has to“. Then under legs there will be a bottom on which it will be possible to lean.
When the maternal instinct arose in relation to Masha? With the oldest daughter everything was clear. We gave birth together with the husband (I always explain that Volodya on childbirth pleased incidentally, chastely stood near my left shoulder sideways from an obstetric chair and diligently was not interested in gynecologic details), he took the first Dasha on hands, then the child put to me on a breast for the first feeding - on time it was the lunch. After the finishing medical procedures the doctor and the midwife switched off the multilamp lamp on a ceiling and left us alone. Me all in the same chair with the rubber hot-water bottle filled with ice on a stomach; the sleeping Darya - in the white enameled bed - the cart, and Volodya - in a shaky state on a shaky chair with serious man`s impressions of hard day.
. Behind an open window rustled with leaves very tall Volgograd a poplar, similar to cypresses. The newborn quietly snuffled, the husband held me by a hand, and then in me sharply as bubbles in champagne, happiness and understanding that happiness it lies nearby, with a label on the tiny handle raged. Volodya somehow admitted, as these minutes are in his list of “The happiest moments of life“ on one top lines of “happiness rating“.We very much wanted to direct by
similar feelings and for the second time, but it did not turn out. The director, probably, was another.
... I am above the child in reanimation of the same maternity hospital where gave birth to the oldest daughter four years ago. I watch how it is difficult, very difficult for baby who appeared in this world only yesterday to breathe. There is a wish to unmask with tiny attractive faces of artificial ventilation of lungs: it seems that then it will be easier for it.
I Study each sign of the newborn person. On long fingers - a beautiful marigold. At Masha father`s musical (or computer?) fingers. On a yellowish face and “adult“ the nose looks strange thin, at ordinary babies it is rather similar to a kartoshechka, but ordinary babies do not lose six hundred grams of weight for two days... Fingers standing look as small peas, and so tiny legs that sink in the smallest children`s socks.
I Think that the word “was born“ to Masha does not approach. It was got, taken, exposed only because I appeared on the operating table. On
“The doctor, about ultrasonography everything is written in a medical record, and you can discuss the rest with the colleague from a maternity welfare unit. You say that the cyst has to be made out on the first ultrasonography?“ This picture where Masha of the size of a fasolinka, already lies in a family photo album. And the cyst - the invisible being, appears, grew together with the daughter, smothered her and jerked then as a shell of times of the Great Patriotic War.
the daughter on a resuscitation table as the young frog prepared by medical students, and her all body utykano needles Lies: droppers are connected to an umbilical cord stump, to veins on hands and legs.
I Have only two feelings: wild fear for the daughter who tries to live very much, and wild rage on doctors who saw not my cyst (the hell with her though here from where early the grown stomach, waist pains and antsy Mashkina of stir inside!) and forced to suffer very strongly my child.
... I lie in chamber on a stomach. On a stomach it is very sick, but the seam will so quicker begin to live and the belt (I want to be the most beautiful mother for the children) will be tightened, and still then it will be possible to go along a corridor of maternity hospital with an equal back, but not on halfbent legs. With me in chamber new neigbours are two happy mummies. I was same with Dasha: cooed, fed and cleaned plumelets of the baby.Lena it was easier than
With the first neigbour in chamber for me: her second “C-section baby“ on weight resembled mine “to not permission an animal“. During operation to a malchishechka cut with a scalpel a forehead therefore Lena radiated alarm and was angry with doctors who came to it and cracked jokes about “scars which decorate men“. Generally, it was on one wave with me.these
A for the first time the given rise twenty-year-old little girls absolutely others. They watch curious eyes as I decant milk in bank which was given me in reanimation. To them it is absolutely unclear why I do it, my child all the same cannot acquire more than two milliliters of milk.
Talkative girls in thick terry dressing gowns drink hot tea with condensed milk from a floor - liter glasses, home-made stuffed cabbage bursts and discusses weight - growth of the children. They are just happy women in labor (or women in childbirth? - all the time I confuse), and are not guilty of anything, but to be near them awfully difficult and unpleasantly.by
In my voice suddenly cut through a categoriality and irritability, and the main pose became “spinal“: I or read, lying on a stomach, or I lie, having turned away to a wall.tears
of the Breast from milk, and then it proceeds through a sateen roddomovsky night dress and my turquoise silk dressing gown. All the time I remember how Darya - quiet burst, shchekasty. Thoughts of it, by the way, - remarkable therapy.Very much I try to believe
that everything will be good. Very much I wait for each meeting with the manager of pediatric office, but from her words “there is no positive dynamics“, “we do not give forecasts“, “ahead the fifth day-critical“ instantly I break on the shivering bays and floods of tears, at heart for it despising myself.I Cost
in hot reanimation near Manyashka almost all the time. I cannot speak - the voice shivers therefore I smooth out clockwise its palm. The nurse told that it is useful. The daughter hysterically breathes and does by sponges the sosatelny movements.the fifth Passed
, and then the seventh days. N of V., managing children`s office, told that the most difficult days for newborns - odd: the first, the third, fifth and seventh. Says that all doctors know it.Manyashk`s
tries very much. I do not invent, I see this diligence on its mordakha when it squeezes out attempt (so far it is impossible) to cough, yawn, cry, wave the handle, to record a look. All this its tiny victories.
At Masha not the mountain, and Everest of all problems: asphyxia consequences, bilateral pneumonia, neurologic symptomatology, hemorrhage in a brain. It is improbable that once I could not live if at Dasha cold began!
... N of V. Manet in eyes a small lamp lit and with satisfaction stated:“ Bark is not struck“.
In the neurotic state I also thought not at once that it is about a cerebral cortex. What does it mean? The fact that the child will have sokhranna many functions of an organism that it will not lie on a bed silent “vegetable“. It is good, but here all the rest: pneumonia, neurologic symptoms and term of the birth in eight months - it is bad, very bad.
Volodya winds every day kilometers on a minibus: the house - maternity hospital - work - maternity hospital - Dashin kindergarten. And my distance - exactly five steps to a door of children`s reanimation on which the ridiculous word of “PITAS“ (chamber of intensive therapy) is written. I live in maternity hospital ten days, and begins to seem to me that this mystical place where time stopped and where I will remain forever...
... My new neigbour came. How many they were replaced during all the time? Lena, Olya, Faida, two Natasha, now here Tatyana. The newcomer - it is normal.Awfully I am afraid of
when to me with the next news N. V. flies. By a quiet voice, with front frankness (likely, for secure in Russian supposedly warned the mother!) says about what mother cannot hear. 10 - go on
of the Most terrible:“ raised to the child a trachea and did a direct laringoskopiya “, “ in airways one slime “, “ it is necessary to hope only for the highest forces“, etc. She for certain considers that the truth is better than sweet lie.gives to
H. B. high doses of the truth and at the same time appoints to me pricks of a relanium - to several cubes of antibiotics, oxytocin and any other pharmacological rubbish.
In the night of
Ya hid from the manager and did not go to bed all night long. It was sure that mentally has to help the daughter to remain in this world. After words H. B.“ surprisingly, but she is still living“ me cut down relanium.the mother-in-law gave by
After operation when I recovered, to me an icon of the Mother of God with a very beautiful face. Strange live, but not icon-painting. Incredibly, but one of duty nurses in reanimation was very similar to it. Her name is Oksana. To like unfamiliar still religious feelings, I think of this tender and patient Oksana. I squeeze at the nights an icon under a pillow (scratch from nails at image will remain for memory of these days) and, without being able to pray, I repeat many times in the course of the day: “Saint maiden Maria! Give strength to fight to my baby who is called by your name. Please, make gold hands of doctors, curative my look, give powerful strength to my milk. Let our baby live for the sake of good deeds!“
... I represent that my father - the atheist would tell! As he would speak that instead of mere words it was necessary to be examined better to and during pregnancy that the second child was not at the right time and that it, as always, appeared the rights...
... Again came to Manyashka into reanimation. It is visible that her lungs do not work at full capacity: between polukruzhyam of edges - a failure, a hollow. I stood and consoled myself that once in eight or nine months had bilateral pneumonia, ate a bucket of antibiotics, and now, it seems, nothing. Fie - fie - fie!
put extracts from maternity hospital Today. Extracts conditional because we are sent not home, and to children`s hospital, office for nursing of premature children. Yesterday the manager significantly told:“ I would like to talk before an extract to you and your husband to warn about what waits for you in the future... It will be told you and in hospital, but at first you have to hear it from me“.her look and intonation did not foretell to
anything good, and till today`s morning I promayalas waiting for terrible: “Your child will never be a normal person!“ Thank God, words of which I was afraid, it was not told. It seems that she decided not to frighten us at full scale (at the Russian doctors this favourite occupation is called “hyper diagnostics“) and told all - navsy that ahead we have a long treatment (not less than a month), the guaranteed dysbacteriosis (from the antibiotics which are dug through in the first days of life), weak immunity and threat of constant colds and infections. I listened very attentively, having linked ice - as always minutes of tension - a palm, but inside the feeling already grew that everything at us will be good because we were helped not just like that by medicine by the name of the Miracle.