Questions without answer of
on June 3, 2010. Today exactly nine days as it left... The woman who gave me life, - my mother.
was Given rise by her late enough, in 33 years. In youth mother was very ambitious, dreamed of stunning career, high prosperity and, of course, of the ideal husband.
After leaving school mother tried to come to MSU as school teachers, girlfriends and admirers imparted it thought that it the cleverest, the most beautiful, will surely reach everything that will only wish. Mother believed. It filled up examinations in MSU, it was necessary to return to the native provincial town and to choose HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION simpler. Of course, she and at institute sought to be the best, found the incalculable number of new admirers and the diploma with honors about the higher education. But here new stroke of bad luck: the young man, the young man very perspective and incredibly beautiful which it met within five years threw it. For holidays in a student`s hostel he drank superfluous, and as ill-luck would have it excessively bright girl was near. After night of love she became pregnant, and the mother`s beloved who is brought up in the best Soviet traditions remained nothing else how to marry it.
Having graduated from institute, mother went to work to scientific research institute. She did not notice admirers, the confidence to a male was seriously undermined. There was a wish only - to become one rich, well-known and to prove to the one who broke her heart that and without it is to it perfectly. And here she fell in love. In the married man. It was the embodiment of mother`s dream: rich, clever, intelligent, sympathetic, well-groomed. However, with a stamp in the passport. Mother long resisted his courtings, but then did not sustain. He promised to divorce; and, though mind mother understood that it shows off her, heart very much wanted to believe... Then my grandmother, the woman wise, told mother:“ To you already soon thirty. If in six years it did not leave the wife, there is hardly a chance that it ever will occur. To solve only to you. Arranges the status of the mistress - leave everything as is. But at your age it is necessary already and to think of children, and any child needs a full-fledged family“.
Mother left, passed to work for other plant. Soon and there it had a sea of admirers among whom there was also my father: silent, ordinary-looking, tastelessly dressed, is younger than it for seven years, but madly in love. At first she did not notice the modest fellow, but soon there was a misfortune: the mother`s father died. And none of admirers, except the father, even thought to help with a funeral.
Then the grandmother called mother on conversation again and by some miracle persuaded her to marry unloved. Soon there were I. Mother did not like to be engaged with me, preferring to spend time for appearance restoration after the delivery. I awfully disappointed her - the female copy of the father, same undersized, thin, however, with mother`s huge blue eyes turned out.I, nevertheless, did not suffer from
From a lack of attention. The father idolized me, the grandmother adored, they devoted all free time to me. For mother I was a blank space. For the time being.
When I entered teenage age, mother suddenly had a new dream - to stick together from me ideal, in her opinion, the person. She forced me to study as one “five“, for estimates below generously awarded with a beating; wrote down me on artistic gymnastics, employed tutors in a half of school objects. I very much tried to equal mother`s hopes. But after the termination of nine classes by me mother decided to transfer me to more prestigious school. And there I met the love which result was a marriage and motherhood in 16 years. Despite everything I managed to graduate from school with a gold medal and to enter the institute on the budgetary place. But mother was already all the same, she broke. Having learned in my pregnancy, mother ceased to communicate with me, on attempts of the father and grandmother to help me threatened to commit suicide. And itself began to drink...
When to my son was nine months old, we with mother resumed communication, but alas - the former bright, strong, ambitious woman rolled in wine. Mother still continued to work, but even more often traces of excessive libations were reflected in her face, from an ideal figure there is no trace left also, the look went out. We with the father and the grandmother tried to code it, went to church, on different “grandmothers“. It is useless. A few days ago she died. A cause of death - an alcoholic poisoning.
Ya I cannot get rid of sense of guilt before mother. Why it could not get rid of arrogance? Whether there could be her life in a different way? Whether she loved me? Father? Whether she forgave me before death? Whether God will forgive her? It is a lot of questions. And any answer...