Age of obstinacy, or About crisis of three years of
Crisis of three years - one of the brightest crises of the childhood on manifestations which is quite often taking parents unawares. It seems, still yesterday your kid was lovely and obedient, and you, having already a little had a rest of sleepless nights, began to feel all pleasure of motherhood (or paternity) as suddenly before you new test - the child as was changed. He is capricious, goes obstinate, it is difficult even to agree with him in those situations in which it was rather simple to ask or even to point earlier to what needs to be done.
What happened to the good child? Why whether it “deteriorated“ and deteriorated? To answer these questions, let`s try to understand an essence and the reasons of crisis of three years.
B than its essence? What it is possible to consider as the normal manifestations which are taking place over time and what adults attribute to this age “to a heap“?
Crisis of three years is characterized by a number of behavioural manifestations which received the special name - “semizvezdy crisis of three years“. As you already guessed, 7 main symptoms of this age enter it. For understanding of contents we will consider them in the maximum degree of expressiveness though, of course, the part of them (and maybe all) will be poorly expressed at your child.
- of Negativism. If you observe that the behavior of your son or daughter is contrary to what is offered by adults, then, most likely, you observe negativism (aspiration to do everything on the contrary and to contradict adults). Do not confuse it to disobedience. Disobedient the child can be also in the early childhood, refusing to do what he does not want, or continuing to do what there is a strong wish for. Unlike it, the negativism is a reaction not on what you offer, and actually on you (on the adult) - on the fact that you offer it. Quite often the kid himself also suffers from the negativism, he sometimes should refuse even that he wants, but that you managed to offer it.
- Obstinacy. If you feel that your child insists on something not because it needs strongly it, and simply “from the principle“, just because he already demanded it, then it is about obstinacy. You should not confuse this quality to persistence which could be shown earlier (we speak about persistence when the child insists on that his desire, what to it really it continues to be wanted strongly was executed). As well as in a case with negativism, children quite often become “hostages“ of the obstinacy: they are also glad to agree already with the adult and to recognize his correctness, but cannot as already told “loaded word“.
- Obstinacy. This peculiar children`s discontent, their infinite answers “Yes well!“ on any proposals of adults. What this obstinacy is directed to? Yes on all habitual framework of his children`s life: from the established norms and traditions of communication with parents to toys. The child as though resists everything that with him adults try to make, it is unimportant whether they demand something or try to entertain.
- Willfulness. Now little girls and boys seek to do everything and as it seems to them correct. Probably, this quality would afflict parents less if children of this age estimated the opportunities more really and undertook only “children`s“ affairs, but, alas, the majority of them want to do independently almost everything (that, generally, is unsafe), and often very much endure disappointment in own forces.
- the Protest - revolt. In some families this unpleasant symptom of crisis leads to feeling of continuous military operations: the three-year-old quarrels with adults, finds the conflicts “out of the blue“. There can even be a feeling that it stocks up with the discontent and negative emotions (leading to his aggressive behavior) all the time as grenades in the battlefield.
- Depreciation. As well as in crises of adulthood, in this children`s crisis everything that had value for the child earlier, can lose it. Attachment to favourite toys is suddenly lost. Parents stop being the authority. The rules of conduct accepted in a family and, appear, already acquired by the child, suddenly cease to exist for it. What earlier you easily distracted the kid, appears him as unnecessary now. As one of depreciation manifestations, in the speech of the child there are bad words, curses which he begins to apply sometimes even to darlings to things earlier.
- Despotism. In families where one child is brought up, this line quite often leads to a picture which it is possible to call “the little tyrant“. The child seeks to show the despotic power over people around, using for this purpose various ways and trying to become “master of the situation“ in any situation. For example, it can not release mother from the house, protest against presence of the father in kitchen, demand that the grandmother brought felt-tip pens from the neighboring room, etc. In families where several children grow, despotism is more often shown in the form of bright jealousy as brothers and sisters are perceived as people with whom it is necessary to share “power“.
Now when we discussed how crisis of three years is shown, let`s try to understand the reasons of its emergence.
In - the first, by 3 years the child`s organism usually reaches sufficient development in order that the kid could be independent. Its cognitive interests are also improved why he becomes “researcher“ of world around including own opportunities. The desire everything turns out to be a natural consequence of such “maturing“ to do most and a protest against the parental help and bans as activity restrictions.
In - the second, it is considered that at the age of three years the identity of the child “is born“. Of course, his personality was formed also in the early childhood, but approximately during this period the child psychologically “separates“ from parents, realizes himself a separate being. And already the phrase “I“ is for a long time enshrined in the dictionary of the child.
to strengthen the “I“, the kid needs independence, but the main conflict of this age that along with it it continues to be dependent also desperately needs support and love of adults. Actually, most of all it is necessary to the little pighead that parents recognized his independence and at the same time continued to love and care for him.
B - the third, the adult it is important to remember that often bright manifestations of normal age crisis of three years are connected with the fact that parents did not notice in time that the child grew up that it is time to change a lot of things in communication with it. “Revolution from below“, the impossibility showing to “tops“ to live by old rules is a consequence of it.
What? How parents of three-year-olds have to behave not to aggravate crisis manifestations and incidentally not to fix them in behavior of the child?
So, we will try to deal with each of crisis manifestations, difficult for parents:
1) What to do with negativism? First of all - to understand its regularity: to create the, it is necessary to refuse “stranger“ (even if it parental). You remember the phrase from a song: “The whole world of violence we will destroy to the basis, and then we the, we will build the new world...“ Unfortunately, any weak being, whether it be the child or the new state, reflects approximately so, trying to differentiate ““ and “not “. Besides, you can even sometimes use steady negativism of the child in the educational purposes, going by contradiction - for example, to actively offer it that as it seems to you, he wants, but that is harmful to it.
2) How to behave with pigheads? the Main thing not to create a situation of two rams on the bridge, as in the national fairy tale. It is impossible to try to break the child because as popular wisdom shows, in such situation will not be won. To perceive a situation without internal irritation and powerless rage from such “irrational“ behavior of the kid, try to see in it the child`s growing, formation of his personality. I think, to the parents not inclined to dictatorship, it will be not so difficult to begin to respect aspiration of the child to work at own discretion, to try to have own opinion and “to keep the word“, let so far in so ridiculous manifestations.
you facilitate life to yourself and the child if show flexibility. When it becomes already clear that the kid is ready to agree, but constrains him earlier told them, try to modify the offer or to think up compromise option. And maybe, just leave the child alone for some time, and then call him to join you. The main thing, do not restrain pride of the child of words like “I said that you will come to watch animated cartoons!“ try to welcome just joyfully it if it all - accepted your offer.
3) How to subdue obstinate? to understand an essence of this phenomenon, try to remember the early youthful ideas of what will be your adulthood. For certain you remember how your imaginations differed from life of your real family, from how there lived your parents. You remember how it seemed to you that you in life will have everything differently, it is better, than at them as what they advise, will be just unnecessary because you - another also will live in a different way. Remembered? And now correlate those representations to the present life. From parental baggage all of you - took something? In something achieved really other quality or a way of life?
Such opposition of to parents actively happens, of course, at teenage age, but office and isolation of the child - process very long so you can consider obstinacy in 3 years it as the beginning. I hope, now you are not frightened by eternal discontent of the child, you are sure that it - part of important process of its formation? Then you can stop the trying to carry away and entertain him. Let the child will be alone and will be engaged in what he wants. Soon enough it will become boring for it, and it will come to you. Here then you offer it all what he refused earlier. Only make it unostentatiously, without excessive enthusiasm not to provoke refusal of the child again.
4) How to react to willfulness? needs to look for golden mean Here, unlimited freedom is harmful to the child not less, than strict restrictions. In - the first, try to make the house the safest for the child that you had as little as possible situations when it is necessary to limit the child for its safety. And it is necessary to make it long before 3 years, still since then when the child started walking. In - the second, provide to the boy or the girl to do independently everything that he is real in forces to make. In - the third, that that the kid cannot make yet, but what him can be taught, help it, but do not do everything for it. Let every day increases affairs with which it can cope, his confidence in own forces grows. In - the fourth when the kid obviously wants to go about not the own business (for example, to work as the puncher), that time to parents to remember such features of children`s mentality as the raised pereklyuchayemost of attention and an involvement into game activity. In the described situation it is possible to suggest the child to play the tool when it is switched off, or to buy it toy analog. At the same time do not forget to express the confidence that there will pass not a lot of time, and the child surely will be able “on the truth“ to work and help the father under repair. For now it is training.
5) How to behave during quarrels? it is unconditional, restrictions are necessary here. When the child calls mother or the father, he has to understand that he does something bad and that adults become angry. However it is impossible to fall to the level of three years and to begin to clash with the child. Show a mimicry and intonations or actions better that it is unpleasant and offensive for you. If the kid just rows, but does not offend parents, then try to voice his feelings: “You become angry about the father now?“ or “You are angry because to you did not allow to watch TV?“ etc. Thus you give to the child feeling that it is understood and learn to pronounce the emotions so that not to offend people around. And, at last, do not forget that the child needs to give periodically the acceptable ways to splash out the aggression: to fight, be left for fun by pillows, to beat a pear, etc., proceeding from a situation and the place.
6) What to do with depreciation? Most of all in such situations of parents usually concerns not that all old depreciates, and the fact that new values are got not so quickly. Well, it is always easier to destroy, than to create, and it is required to time for it less. But, if development of your kid goes normally, then there will be soon new things and people whom the child will value. So do not worry and let`s a few son or the daughter stay such “young Bazarov“. When you feel that all rebellious manifestations have no former power and that the “discredited“ reality already in burden to the child any more, you can try to begin to offer it something new. For example, most to choose a toy in shop or the animated film in a video hire shop, acquaint it with new people etc.
7) How to build the life with the little tyrant? Some parents, trying to avoid the excess conflicts in a family, try to concede in everything to the child and to subordinate him to desires all the life. But the question is in how long it can be, of own will people (including children) seldom refuse the power? And patience of parents not infinitely. Therefore it is better to limit reasonably at once the child, giving him a lot of freedom to dispose of the time and forces, but not time and desires of other family members. It is important to learn to separate true needs of the child from those which are more likely manifestations of his desire to control others. In the second case follows softly, but strictly to be able to speak to the child “no“, emphasizing that actions of others in this case do not harm it in any way, so, parents (or other adults) have the right to make as they want.