The child, you become angry. Means, you are right!
Whatever different were our children, the related problems are quite typical. One parents suddenly face aggression of the child and do not understand, than it is caused. Others - on the contrary - are disturbed by passivity of the son or daughter. Or, for example, hnykayushchy child. How many forces, nerves, arrangements, reproaches leave on fight against its continuous moaning! And everything is useless! What to begin with to restore the world in a family?
Most of all parents is discouraged by aggression of the child. As a rule, first of all from - for the fact that they do not understand the reason of its emergence.
the Famous Austrian scientist K. Lorentz who made the significant contribution to studying of aggressive behavior not only animals, but also people, considered that aggression of the person has biological prerequisites and is caused genetically. At the same time its sense consists not in destruction, and in adaptation to activity conditions. Most of scientists were unanimous that aggression is connected with the anger caused by an obstacle in a way of achievement of the purpose.
the First flashes of rage can be observed at absolutely small children - from a year to two years. Most often the anger at this age is directed to inanimate objects: on a chair against which hit a knee, or the door which pinched a finger. These flashes are still transient, take place also quickly, as well as arise. I think, many mothers calmed the kid the simple phrase more than once:“ Let me kiss a finger, and it will cease to hurt“! At this stage it is quite possible to calm the child in such a way.
But since two years parents face the child`s protest on the words “no“, it “is impossible“ and it “is necessary“ when refuse to buy a new toy, do not allow to eat all candies, switch off the TV, without having allowed to look through the animated film. And forms of a protest of some children horrify parents. The type of the child squealing and fighting about a floor the head causes in adults shame and awkwardness before people around for the fact that “did not teach“ its rules of conduct. And at the same time fear for its health and desire to immediately stop a rough scene. Most often mothers and fathers go a simple and effective way: fulfill the demands made by the child. Or go into other extremes, considering that good scolding will bring the child round.Both - it is incorrect
. It is difficult to believe, but at the similar moments you see well played scene. Observe attentively. It is not excluded that you will notice cunning eyes which also fixedly watch your reaction. “Who will win?“ - it is so possible to call a performance which the child organizes. It is a form of race for power available to it over adults. And it must be said, very effective. Because won most often there are parents. They or concede, or, having become angry, use force.
not to allow the child to manipulate itself, remember the main rule of this performance: he demands the audience! Try to leave for some time the child alone. Most likely, the silence will come quickly. But I want to warn parents: it is not necessary to abuse similar tactics. The nervous system of the kid can be too sensitive to such “retaliations“, and everything will end with already real hysterics. What can you make if sobbings amplify? Approach, touch the kid tenderly, tell something calming, try to distract. If the scene happens in shop or on the street, and the child is still rather small, will be to take the most correct it on hands and to carry away.the Greatest effect of the word and action will make
on that phase when crying ceases and the child will gradually find control over the feelings.Many parents are lost by
, facing manifestation of physical aggression of children: when they suddenly begin to fight, bite, scatter things. Mothers and fathers complain that the child began to offend the younger brother or the sister, trying to push or pinch stealthily.Most often the similar behavior is characteristic
of three-year-old children and is caused by crisis of this age.“ Revolt against authoritative education is a protest of the child who is demanding independence, outgrew those norms and forms of guardianship which developed at early age“, - note in the book “Training of Communication with the Child“ of E. Motov and G. Monin. As, on the one hand, not to allow to turn to the child into the fighter whom all children avoid, and - to maintain his new relation with another to own “I“?
Crisis of three years proceeds sharply only if adults do not notice at the child of a tendency to independence and by all means seek to keep former forms of relationship when the word of the parent was the law. But if to speak about harmonious development of the child, then in three years parents have to change the attitude towards the son or the daughter.
formation of aggressive behavior is influenced by a set of factors. An important role is played by family relationship. If parents often quarrel, then and children, most likely, will be quick-tempered and irritable. Parents who suppress the son or the daughter and react to offenses only fits of anger, risk to see “reflection“ soon. Children quickly acquire these forms of behavior and begin to behave in the same way. >
As it is correct to p to react to children`s aggression?If the kid plays
with children, and you saw that it brought a hand to hit the peer, stop it and firmly tell: “It is impossible!“ If the squabbler all the same wants “to launch war“, it is necessary to remove him from “battlefield“. Say goodbye to all and tell that you will return in more peaceful mood.Pass
into other empty yard, let the child “will cool down“, will vent the rage, for example, on a ball which can be popinat legs. Suggest it to return to the company on condition that it will not offend anybody. And if it happens, you will walk with it alone again.
should Punish the child. But to punish “by rules“. First rule: punishment has to follow offense at once. The second: it has to be adequate to offense. And the third: should not be humiliating for the child at all.
Besides race for power, “crisis of three years“ and unsuccessful family relationship some more reasons of emergence of aggression are. Very often healthy children, which just right to go to kindergarten and to spend energy for games and walks with peers, stay at home with grandmothers or nurses. They lack space actively to move and get rid of excess of energy, there is not enough fresh air and fresh impressions. Therefore if your child does not go to kindergarten, then two times - three in a week it is necessary to drive it or in sports section, or in any children`s center.
it becomes frequent the aggression reason jealousy. Children have this feeling where more often than adults think. Some children are jealous even not of someone separately, and nearly of the whole world. It seems to them that mother with the father love anyone, only not them. And there are paradoxical stories at all.
- you represent what was made by our Petya? - mother complained of the son. - Took an emery paper and scratched the refrigerator! And when to it something is not pleasant, threatens to break columns from the TV! From where in it this rage?
But mother forgot how many she repeated time to the son: “More carefully!“, “Do not scratch!“, “Do not break!“ The boy simply was jealous of the refrigerator and columns from the TV! He saw with what awe parents treat to a miracle - equipment and with neglect - to its hand-made articles from plasticine for which there was no certain shelf.
What can be advised in that case? You speak about expensive household appliances less, it is more about in what the child is interested.
When mothers and fathers face aggression, they should reflect: whether but not reciprocal this reaction? Perhaps, someone offends the child, and he thus vents the rage? And it is not obligatory on the offender at all. Very often everything on the contrary: to the offender - that he just is also afraid to fight back. To understand this situation it is difficult: very often pride does not allow the child (especially to the boy) to tell about the humiliation. If the child goes to school or kindergarten, observe from outside games in group, try to ask the tutor on the child`s relations with peers. If there is any conflict, ask to help to settle it. It is possible to learn about the “domestic“ conflicts, having tactfully talked to the child`s friends, and then and to him.
the problem of aggression and at teenage age does not lose relevance. Many parents are perplexed why children talk to them defiantly and disrespectfully, try to offend. All this symptoms of violation of relationship between the parent and the child. Seniors are revolted with behavior of the child, “reading morals“ which does not bring desirable result begins, and then - all means are good. As result - one more conflict. And any of belligerent parties does not represent what role plays in the opinion of other party. Most often parents demand from the teenager of the full report on each lived minute. In his eyes mother and the father look as “sticking a nose not in the affairs“. And parents cannot understand that the teenager asserts the right for part nobody controlled life.
Responsibility for a situation needs to be undertaken of course the adult. You should not discuss a problem on the run of or at the time of its aggravation. Collect “family council“ and think: if you demand the constant report on that with whom, where and why he went outside in the afternoon, it reminds already hyper guardianship from the fifteen-year-old young man. And it is better to refuse it. And in the evening you have the right to ask it to report about return time. You should not consider for yourself offensive an explanation that the request is dictated by your concern, but not curiosity whom and where the son or the daughter meet.
Anyway the conflicts with children demand first of all ability from adults to reach compromise.
I still parents have to remember an important precept: if they want that children were respectful to them, then and have to treat them validly.
It is unconditional, manifestation of aggression in behavior of children and teenagers from time to time - the normal phenomenon. But if the child is angry and aggressive constantly - it is a signal to addressing the expert - the psychologist.