Unwanted pregnancy... A gloomy subject for thought and conversation. This subject is heavy always irrespective of the fact which the decision is made at approach of such pregnancy: to interrupt it or to keep. Today our conversation will go only about the second case - the woman decides to give birth to the child.
First of all should understand why unwanted pregnancy remains, now any woman can make abortion. However life shows that there is always a lot of reasons for refusal of abortion.
For a start all cases of preservation of unwanted pregnancy can be divided into three groups:
1. Pregnancy in principle is desired, but came out of time or for other reasons it was “wrong“.
In this case the woman wants the child, but circumstances in concrete moment of life interfere with pregnancy preservation, and the painful internal conflict results: to refuse motherhood, to interrupt the beginning child`s life (quite so in this case abortion is regarded) - or to lose something very important, to break, and even to break off the relations with close people, etc. The circumstances preventing to keep pregnancy can be very different.
the child`s Birth “puts an end“ to completion of study, and remained very little... Just there was a good work, the first progress, ahead - quite real prospects, they should be realized and fixed, then it will be possible to take “a time - a miss“, but now - just it is impossible in any way...Living conditions are not suitable
for appearance of the child at all, and it is dangerous to interrupt this “unintentional“ pregnancy: doctors say that the probability of following is almost equal to zero... Yes you never know can be situations?
in principle, all similar circumstances are connected with understanding by the woman of that fact that for future motherhood it is necessary to prepare a strong platform which lack, of course, will significantly complicate all subsequent life. Also what in such cases the woman well realizes that she will lose with the advent of the child is important, but often badly represents what will get. It is good if are careful mother near, loving and ready to help the husband - then gradually child, all good that is connected with him, will hold a firm place the in life of future mother, and to the middle of pregnancy all “losses“ will begin to seem not such serious, and the future - not it sad. And if everything lays down only on shoulders of the woman? Then decision-making “in favor of the child“ inevitably is followed by painful experiences, alarm, is frequent sense of guilt (here, at first allowed pregnancy, then left it and how now to live most and to provide to the child the worthy future?) . All this is aggravated with a remorse from - for the fact that she dares to think of future child as about a hindrance, catches itself on thought of how it would be good if there was no this pregnancy...If pregnancy for the woman is desired
, but all think differently around, then it is the reason for the deep internal conflict too. We share life with the relatives, and appearance of the child, undoubtedly, will change life not only the most future mother, but also her husband, parents, the senior children. It is very serious problem: leaving pregnancy, unwanted for relatives, the woman automatically takes all responsibility. Besides, during pregnancy and after the birth of the kid mother needs the help of relatives, it automatically becomes more dependent on them, but as it will be difficult to ask and accept this help now! And happens that to keep such pregnancy - means seriously to aggravate or even to break off the relations. This big courage - to stand against all and to assume all weight of the decision. In that case all pregnancy will be followed by doubts, the conflicts with itself and the family, fear and alarm of the future.
2. The pregnancy planned, that is seemingly desired, but it is necessary for something, not connected with the child.
Such pregnancy externally looks as desired (prepared for it in advance, it was specially “done“ or at least expected). But this pregnancy not so much for the child`s birth how many for some other purposes is necessary: to fasten a family or to create it (as it is known, a way - almost safe), sometimes simply “it is time already“, and can be - that “to restore health“ (even doctors advise!)... In a family there is a daughter (or two!) and “successor“ is necessary for the husband... It is possible that a bit later the birth of the child will be complicated by vital circumstances, and now - it is a high time so there is nothing to deliberate the feelings here, it is necessary to do that it “is necessary“... And in general, it is necessary to give birth to the child to be “as all“...
Though in similar cases on the first place - calculation (the child is necessary that...) mother has an understanding that the child demands devotion too. But it is not always ready to it and tries to minimize whenever possible the emotional and sincere expenses. Opposition desirable and possible turns out that affects experiences of the woman, it is expressed in her discontent, impatience, irritation.
3. Pregnancy is unwanted, but it is impossible to interrupt it.Such pregnancy is most often casual
, but maybe quite natural. Let`s begin with casual. It is possible to call several reasons for which the woman keeps such pregnancy. Most often it relations with close people. The husband dreams of the child, abortion will never forgive... Mother has severe looks: “You will make abortion - I will damn!“ (it, it is necessary to tell, a frequent case in practice of doctors and psychologists)... Own beliefs or opinion of “authorities“ (mentors, priests, etc.) do not allow to decide on abortion... Well and, of course, the state of health which is not allowing to do abortion (or a case when interruption of pregnancy threatens with infertility).
maybe it: the age already “draws in“ and if not now - that, probably, already never. And if so it turned out...also such situation Is possible
: the woman is not ready to motherhood, in general not really wants to have children (as one mother of the adult daughter told, “there are women who are quite happy also without it, not in a stone century we live, now there are a lot of other ways to become happy“). Most often such woman considers that the birth of the child is the end of her own life, independent and so valuable to it, it does not represent how it is possible to divide itself between motherhood and other spheres of the life. But there`s nothing to be done, she argues, life is arranged so, but not differently: the marriage means the birth of children, and the loneliness is even worse - generally, of course, out of the frying pan into the fire, but there are no two ways about it...
In all these cases the woman appears in a peculiar trap: pregnancy takes her unawares, but there is no place to disappear with it. As she will endure the present situation, depends on many reasons, but pleasures from a new state, tenderness to future child, optimistic hopes for the future at it in this case, of course, will not appear.
In this regard two extremely important questions arise: as experiences of the woman bearing unwanted (she admits to herself it or not) pregnancy, affects the woman (the course of her pregnancy) and the child (his development in a womb of mother both its physical and mental health after the birth). Let`s try to answer these questions though still not all in this area is known.
As incubation of unwanted pregnancy affects its current?
our nervous system, like the commander-in-chief rate during military operations, is called on the basis of the analysis external and internal, psychological, living conditions to solve whether the current situation is suitable for performance of these or those vital tasks or it is necessary to wait danger and adverse circumstances at first. As we saw, incubation of unwanted pregnancy is always followed by negative emotional experiences. Excessive uneasiness, uncertainty, psychological problems bring the complex of feelings similar to a condition of the person at strong danger to life. The nervous system “does not know“ either the reasons, or their our interpretation. She “knows“ only one: something is wrong. From “the commander-in-chief rate“ the signal arrives: “danger!“ . In an organism processes, but essences the representing reaction to a stress, danger begin to develop that cannot promote the quiet course of pregnancy in any way. Any our internal conflict - a protest, let and unconscious (and very often unconscious), directs organism potential to disposal of a source of negative irritation (in this case the negative factor is expressed in burdensome thoughts and experiences, which source - pregnancy). Result - the pathological course of pregnancy in any of possible options, but with the same sense: unwanted pregnancy has to be interrupted. “Allow, - you will tell, - but the great number of the women who were passionately wishing pregnancy suffered and suffer from toxicosis!“ . Yes, it is. The matter is that any wishing the child, even the woman dreaming of the child, having become pregnant, endures the new state in very many aspects. And not necessarily acceptance of pregnancy happens at once and unconditionally - are always available some “but“. Here also toxicosis develops. The quicker future mother “will agree“ with the kid, the easier and quicker there will pass her toxicosis (physically healthy women mean, at patients can be differently). Not incidentally “gestoza - toxicoses“ call an illness of adaptation, adaptation.
As incubation of unwanted pregnancy affects the child?Here a lot more the science does not know to
, however in the people always knew that experiences of mother are transferred to the child. In each culture and at all times there was a set of rules of behavior of the pregnant woman (not to quarrel with people around, to look on beautiful, but not on ugly, etc.) . And the modern science in many respects confirms it.
At a condition of alarm, a stress blood circulation violation happens, as a result supply of a fruit with oxygen and nutrients worsens. If it is short-term episodes, and between them rather long “respites“, then danger is small. If such states are constant or too frequent, then, of course, violations in development of the child are quite probable. As a result the child is born weakened, physiologically unripe, and at constant and severe stresses or a long depression of mother can even be born before the put time. Besides, stresses reduce immunity, and mother with the kid are unarmed before infections and other harmful effects. Of course, such child after the birth has more problems, than desired. So concerning physical development of the kid everything is rather clear. More difficult the situation with its mentality is.by
In the first trimester just create sense organs and those parts of the nervous system by means of which it is possible to feel and endure certain emotional states, to correlate them to concrete events (read - a condition of a maternal organism, experiences of mother and some “signals“ from the outside, for example sounds). Until all this is created, the child cannot react to separate incentives and furthermore on feelings and thoughts of mother. Also do not trust the one who inspires in you that if you in the first weeks of pregnancy wanted to make abortion, then thereby spoiled to the kid all life. It does not have confirmations in science, in practice.let`s look at
Now what occurs when all sense organs at the child are already created when the kid gains ability to feel and worry. Now it is not so poorly known. In the second trimester the child hears (reacts to loud noise, a sound of a mother`s voice), sees (turns away in a womb from light directed to a stomach). If parents quarrel and speak by the loud, angry voices - it is turned, covering a head with hands, or beats with legs. Under gentle harmonious music relaxes, fills up. All this means that the child can already “compare“ features of a maternal state (change of a rhythm of a beating of her heart, noise of a blood-groove in vessels, tension of muscles, style of movements, breath, a voice) with what happens to him. Let`s imagine such, for example, situation. All complex of parental negative reactions and their consequences (a lack of oxygen and inconvenience of position of a body - mother strained, her muscles clenched, blood badly passes through an umbilical cord; the mother`s “stressful“ hormones getting with a blood-groove into the child`s brain; the sharp voice of the father or other influence from the outside) arises in response to a touch of the kid to an internal wall of “lodge“ - a uterus? It turns out, the kid “thinks“ (more precisely - feels, knows) that it is the answer to the fact of my existence, to my touch to mother which is unpleasant to her (disturbs, terribly, it is disturbing, etc.) . If similar situations are constant, then at the child the steady feeling can be created: in the world it is bad, disturbing, it is necessary to look for from it protection. And this can already affect and on future relation of it is still not been born - the person to life if, of course, after the birth such relation is confirmed and aggravated with the corresponding actions and reactions of mother. And besides, only it will be able to correct then a situation, without giving to the child of these confirmations. So in this case events of pregnancy, how many their continuation after the child`s birth are important not so much.
And main issue: here briefly not to answer with
What in these cases to do?
A this question. Experiences of the women bearing unwanted pregnancy are in many respects similar, their influence on the course of pregnancy and the developing child - too, but the reasons - that every time different! Symptoms “to treat“ it is almost useless - it is necessary to look for a source of “illness“ and to work with it. By means of the latest methods (medicamentous and psychological - up to hypnosis!) it is possible to bring the pregnant woman to more or less satisfactory condition, but nothing can be made these methods with the most life situation, from - behind which such relation to pregnancy and motherhood at this woman arose.to
Of course, it is necessary to change the relation of mother to the pregnancy, the child, to itself and the vital circumstances, to find only for it one suitable, always the only and unique solution of a problem. There are no general recipes here! Often (and in fact - always!) it is necessary to put all family into this operation though sometimes very not easy to make it. It is necessary to look for assistants, it is better - professional - the psychologists who are specially trained for such work who are familiar not only with the general methods and methods of psychological work, but also know about features of mentality of the woman during pregnancy and influence of this state on the present and the future of the child. If there is no such opportunity, look for support at close people, surely you speak, discuss the state with those to whom you trust. You do not keep everything in yourself - mind well, and two - it is better. Believe, and to you, and half an hour (and even hour) is more useful to your child than your rough tears, than long weeks of melancholy or irritation. The kid will understand and will help, he always at the same time with mother, only give him such chance, support his initiative: accept with gratitude soft or even more persistent percussions from within, imagine how he listens that he can think (that you thought and felt on its place). No matter, that you never learn whether it managed to you to guess its state. Now the main thing - “to make friends“ with the kid and to find ways most to keep at height (at height of a positive emotional and physical state), preparing for life in new quality. And in it it is necessary to make out (and, making for it many efforts) that good that will be inevitable (does not happen that was not, - the child is always a lot of good, it is necessary only to manage to make out it and to hold, and that he so quickly grows and changes!), and to look for ways of overcoming of difficulties. And it should be done actively, he who would eat the fruit, must climb the hill too. Often the help can be received in groups of preparation for childbirth, only do not forget that for that who have an “unwanted“ pregnancy it is more important to get ready not for childbirth per se, namely for “roditelstvo“, for what will be then when such short nine months and only several hours of childbirth end... And the whole long life will only begin!
I, probably, most important. It is not necessary to look constantly back! Life always goes forward, and the road will be mastered only by going. If you consider that in the past there were many mistakes, then experiences about it will only aggravate a situation. Mistakes is a reason for extraction of lessons, but not for self-flagellation and despair. The child grows, he very quickly forgets (or perhaps and just does not know?) about the past if you do constantly not remind it of it. But it is very sensitive to that, what do you think of it now. And now it needs your love, care, pleasure from communication with it, confidence in the future. It is the best doctors and assistants. So only forward, and then everything will turn out!