Feeling of a rhythm
your three-year-old child still does not distinguish days of week and quite often confuses a breakfast to an afternoon snack. However exactly at midday “the internal alarm clock“ prompts to it that there came walk time, and Sunday morning the kid with impatience prepares for a traditional family lunch. Anything surprising: children very much love an order. They willingly acquire the rituals offered by seniors and with enthusiasm invent own, it helps them to find time sense, to cope with children`s fears and to find the place in the huge unfamiliar world.
“For a long time I got used to keep within early...“ Marcel Proust begins with this phrase the biography in the novel “In search of the Lost Time“. The child he closed eyes only after strictly observed ritual which most important point was a hasty maternal kiss furtively from the father: these “ridiculous habits“ steadily irritated the head of family. You will tell that presently to kiss the child before going to bed became a norm, and the writer would not begin to pay to such ordinary event so much attention. But it far not so. At all times children needed certain rituals which helped them to track the history. According to Proust, the little person on a life threshold - a blank page. As to it in the absence of the events repeating day by day to define, day begins or comes to an end? How not to get confused in series of actions which sense is still absolutely not clear?the Reference point
Try to imagine life out of time. For the newborn this abstraction inaccessible to consciousness of most of adults - reality. Yours the baby does not know yet that mother will surely come running on its invocatory shout: it has no future yet. Every minute threatens to turn back frightening eternity, and therefore one of the most important tasks of the kid is in getting used to the rhythms set by adults. And in only several weeks he becomes the real expert of your habits. The kid feels that before withdrawal to a dream mother`s gestures become smooth and the voice goes down on tone. When awakening embrace is shorter, and the voice is louder...the Infinite series of feedings, disguise and walks often tire with
adults, but all this is pleasant to the baby. And though there will pass many months before he learns to be guided really in time, the first step is taken: the child learned to expect. Experience prompts to it that events repeat: feeding is preceded by walk, and a tray - an undressing. Habitual actions allow to make time visible and cognizable. The world stops being a continuous riddle.
By and large all children`s habits serve one purpose - to brighten up separation from mother. Approximately in a year the kid realizes own “I“. This interesting and very important opening nevertheless generates weight absurd, from the point of view of the adult, fears - the child is frightened by loneliness, darkness, strangers, he is afraid to be rejected or to be lost. For this reason the kid so values society of mother - defenders and after the own fashion tries to overcome the alarms connected with its absence: one with enthusiasm sucks a thumb, another - procrastinates edge of a blanket, and the third just presses close in a corner as a wild small animal.to
of the Same purpose serve also parental rituals: a lullaby, gentle stroking of the top of the head, the obligatory fairy tale for the night.“ I am very engaged at work, - the financial analyst Svetlana complains, - and seldom I come back home before eight in the evening. But even if day was very difficult, I surely find time to read Roma the book“.
the Historical context
“Ritual plays a huge role in the child`s life, - the psychoanalyst Genevieve de Teng emphasizes. - Repetition of the coded gestures for it is more, than a habit. Such requirement is caused by a self-preservation instinct. Than is more vulnerable and more weakly the child feels, especially he is attached to accurate observance of ritual“.“ Stacking the daughter, - Lyudmila says, - I have to the last wish her good night. If, God forbid, her brother approaches a bed, it is necessary to make a fresh start. I tried to replace myself with the father, but unsuccessfully“. A rough protest at the slightest violation of a habitual order - a natural consequence of careful observance of ritual. Not without reason the child jealously watches that the nurse not a jot did not depart from the rules accepted in his family. Rituals not only will organize time or console in the absence of mother, but also create to the one who observes them, history: as own life, and collective.
knows well to Tutors of kindergartens that “local customs“ provide unity of group, facilitating transition, painful for most of kids, of a family to big collective.“ In our garden there are customs which children appreciate most of all: every morning they hang out the photo on a board. And the names which are absent this day children are said chorus. In other words, to be absent - does not mean to disappear. Whatever it happened, the kid remains part of the group“, - the teacher Christian Bankur tells.
the Long goodbye - excess tears
“Our three-year-old Olya cannot fall asleep without the baby`s dummies. And, the whole set - one in a mouth and on one in each hand is necessary for it at once. But also it is not all: that that in a mouth, surely has to be blue, and the others - green. Having lost one of “treasures“, Olya lifts a terrible roar. Also violently the girl reacts to nipples of other color“, - Tamara complains.
the Grown-up kid not only with pleasure participates in the ritual offered by seniors - he creates them. Multiplying the habits, Olya tries to overcome fear of the approaching darkness, but the difficult procedure of withdrawal which is thought up by it to a dream already borders on mania.
“If parents do not limit evening ritual, then uncertainty of the child only grows. It seems to the kid that night is rather awful, he is afraid to fall from a bed or to be lost“, - the psychologist to Lilian Nema - Pierre warns. The problem is that to define the side separating harmless and even useful habit from mania, very not easy.
If the kid refuses to lay down in a bed without obligatory evening fairy tale, in it there is nothing terrible yet. But quite often procedure acquires all new details, and mother with the father begin to sound alarm too late - when the child is not able to fall asleep without wearisome one and a half hour action any more.the Mania indicates
concern of the kid, but she also speaks about the relation of parents. We intuitively try to protect the child from situations which frighten (or frightened far back in the past) ourselves and by that we indulge emergence of ritual which threatens to turn back the real nightmare. And happens and so that mother herself infects the child with fear which is still unfamiliar to it. Thirty-year-old Elena decided to return for work when her daughters year was executed. However to say goodbye to the daughter it appeared not so simply: Lena endlessly kissed the baby and when at last found forces to cross through a threshold, fainted consciousness. This scene had every chance to turn into infinitely repeating procedure, equally painful and for sensitive mother, and for her little daughter. Fortunately, the grandmother who took not herself care of the baby put an end to excessive manifestation of “sloppy sentimentality“ in time.the Family relic “We transfer to
in a family from generation to generation the thought-up counting rhymes, - Anna tells. - One is intended for washing of hands, another - for collecting on walk, the third - special congratulatory. Of course, elevated poetry this rifmotvorchestvo you will not call, however plain rhymes - important part of our everyday life and family history at the same time. Therefore they are very dear also to me, and two of my daughters“.
Sometimes children come in “fortune“ from the senior generation into the specific expressions borrowed from the relatives who arrived from the remote place or the extravagant aunt - travelers. Kids adore these words which strengthen in them belonging to family clan.
However, it is possible “to ritualize“ everyday life not only by means of exotic words. Both the Sunday lunch, and a visit of cinema on Saturdays, and visits to the grandmother on days off can become family tradition. The sleepyhead, for example, offers the sons the Sunday game “in eReaders“.“ Hours at ten in the morning Leva and Jan get into our bed with the whole pile of books. The rule is very simple: I stop reading when it bothers children“.
by means of such simple traditions the family as if fences own, only with it the belonging territory. In this “safety zone“ the kid feels quite at home. Anthropologists claim that ritual - a symbolical way of transition from one state to another: from the childhood to youth, from loneliness to family life. Favourite habits help the child to find time sense and give it a reference point fearlessly to be let in travel from the acquaintance to even unknown.
Time - forward!
From the birth till 3 months. the child for the first time gets acquainted With feeling of a rhythm in a womb. The periods of wakefulness alternate with rest. The kid feels measured rockings in a step to mother`s steps. The first days of life are full of new opening. Feelings of heat and cold, darkness and light, hunger and saturation serve it as a reference point for entry into a daily rhythm and allow to establish which - what regularities - at first walk, behind it bathing, and then and long-awaited food.
From 3 to 18 months. By three months the baby enters a rhythm day/night. He feels time better and better and gradually forms habits. Approximately in 8 months he already realizes as he means to mother much, and hardly transfers separation from it. At this age it needs special ritual of withdrawal to a dream which helps it to endure fear of parting. To the first birthday the child becomes the convinced conservative. It had “own“ things, it is very attached to the house schedule and a situation. Any changes can turn back for the kid the present tragedy therefore whenever possible stock up with duplicates of his favourite toys - in case the original is broken or needs washing.
From 18 months to 4 years. the One-and-a-half-year-old child is even more susceptible to an order and very much loves various ceremonies. He, for example, considers that at dinner all family members have to sit strictly on “the“ places and attempt of seniors to change the habitual scenario will cause drink tea only from “the“ cups - at the kid bewilderment.
Now the child already not bad is guided in time, however perceives it not on duration, and on actions. To rise - means, morning to go to have supper - evening, to sleep - night... Inability of the kid to expectation is also explained by it: for it to wait - means, at all to do nothing!
From 4 to 6 years. the Matured kid learns to organize the day. By years it finally would get rid of “children`s“ habits and seeks to be punctual - “as the adult“. Now he most of all is interested in big holidays - New year, birthdays of relatives and, of course, its own. He waits for Father Frost before the first snowfall, and after just ceased celebration already prepares for the following. He knows that he means “yesterday“ and “tomorrow“, realizes sequence of alternation of generations and with pleasure updates a calendar. However finally to understand an order of days, weeks and seasons the child will be able only by 7 years. Then he will understand that all people depend on time.