Rus Articles Journal

The gift to of

Sometimes seems that it is impossible to forgive the one who betrayed. But try to look at a situation on the other hand. The forgiveness is not a concession to the offender, but an opportunity for you to get rid of oppressive emotions.

All about one: ability to forgive - one of the main advantages. It is appreciated worth its weight in gold in any society and in any culture. However abstractedly it is much simpler to argue on forgiveness of sins, than to put this principle into practice. If the husband had an affair with your best friend or if the sister cheated you during the section of inheritance whether it is necessary to forgive it and whether it is worth trying? Often it seems that the person who betrayed is not worthy forgiveness. Moreover, our forgiveness in many cases is not necessary for the offender at all. But recently psychologists and doctors as well as spiritual mentors, say more and more that the forgiveness is necessary for ourselves.

If you managed to forgive to

- it means that you could get rid of a set of negative emotions. The powerless rage, irritation, offense, aspiration to revenge - all this leaves. And if to reflect, then you understand: actually the forgiveness is a gift which we present to ourselves.

the Resentment leads

to negative thoughts and aggression which involve quite physical problems. Hostility provokes repeated increase in hormones of a stress in an organism, causing the strongest tension practically in each part of the body. Psychologists advise: if you strongly on someone are offended, first of all, give vent to feelings. Or two you negative emotions will overflow day, the rage will rage literally, and at this moment it is more reasonable to give in to it. The matter is that our body is not adapted long to be in a condition of an intensive stress, and it means that after certain time of emotion will begin to die away by itself.

in 2006 in the American state hospital of Orlando (State of Florida) conducted examination of big group of volunteers who complained of back pains. And though 62 patients had the same diagnosis, it turned out that those who forgive to people around of offense easier and turn to insults a deaf ear suffer from pain much less, than those who for a long time remember each offensive word. And at university of Wisconsin with success use so-called “therapy of forgiveness“ at treatment of depressions and neurosises. It turns out when at the person it turns out to forgive the offender, negative thoughts at once leave. Namely the impossibility to get rid of persuasive experiences is the cornerstone of the majority of nervous breakdowns.

Try to release negative emotions

Anna got divorced from husband when 47 was it. With the husband they lived 23 years, but when it became clear that he changed, Anna swore that will not tell him any word any more. And she really did not talk to it - neither during divorce, nor at the daughter`s wedding. “In one and a half years I met it in shop by chance, - Anna tells, - we looked at each other, and I suddenly understood that I can make a choice right now. I can pass by it, without having told words and to continue to be angry, or I can start talking. I did not want to feed more the offense and therefore greeted. It was a great relief - I saw, as for it too. We came into cafe and spoke more than two hours, and both cried. Eventually I always understood that he is a good man, just made a mistake. And who does not make them?“

If the offender - you
  1. Be prepared by
    in advance. Avoid phrases it seems “I am sorry that you so are upset“ - so you try to exculpate with yourself. And it will anger the opponent even stronger.
  2. Be exact
  3. . As it is possible formulate more particularly what you apologize for. Idea of your fault at you and at the offended party can be very different.
  4. you Tell
  5. at personal meeting. It is easier to speak if you see a face of the interlocutor. But, if flatly refuse to meet you, it is possible to write the letter.
  6. do not look for justifications.“ I made - I was not right and I regret for it“ - it is necessary to inform of such thought if you want to receive forgiveness.
  7. Give
  8. offended to answer. Most likely, you will be accused. Do not come true and do not bring countercharges.
  9. Suggest to compensate to
  10. damage if it is possible. However do not promise what you not in forces to execute.
  11. If still take offense at you, be ready to take it for granted: the person is not ready to forgive you. You will be able to do nothing with it.
Not always the words “forgive me“ really lead

to forgiveness. But, if in time the said apology got on a fertile field, most often it will yield the fruits over time. Sincere apologies lift a self-assessment of the offended person, and put the offender in a humiliating situation, forcing to recognize mistakes.

However the forgiveness does not mean that the offender should not be punished. Divorce, court, imprisonment is social forms of influence, but forgiveness - your personal choice.

Deliver to

yourself to the place of the offender

We constantly explain for ourselves motives of acts of this or that person. The husband became not too sociable because is tired at work. Mother is angry because she badly feels. Children misbehave because they need to splash out energy somehow. If you try to put yourself to the place of the offender, it will be easier for you to understand what directed him, so and to take the first step to forgiveness.“ I did not admit many years to myself men, - Ekaterina admits, - because when I was 10 years old, I was raped by my uncle. The fear, disgust, offense, feeling of injustice of all events did not abandon me till 27 years. And once to us the young man who was 16 years old got a job the courier. And I suddenly realized that my uncle to whom at the time of incident it was executed 16 and himself was a child! He acted not from the evil, and under the influence of a children`s rush. And children can be not always responsible for the acts. Probably, it became the first step coping with offense. After that my relations with men began to be improved gradually, and in two years I married“.

However everything told above does not mean at all that it is necessary to force to forgive the offender if you are not ready to it. Women especially often to it are compelled by public opinion, we need to be soft, understanding, womanly. But actually the offense is a natural reaction of mentality to an unfair act which says that you have a healthy self-assessment.

If you forgave to

the offender, it again - does not mean that you have to have to it warm feelings. It is possible to forgive and nevertheless to stop the relations. By and large, the question costs so: Whether “I want to pull along freight of negative emotions? Or I want to forgive, get rid all bad and to be free from unpleasant events of the past?“ In many cases the forgiveness is rather conscious decision, result of work on itself, but not an enlightenment which suddenly will condescend on you.

Forgiveness - the conscious decision: whether you with yourself want to bear freight of offense or are ready to leave it in the past?

right words

If you are dissatisfied with what occurs in the relations with relatives, the most right way - tactfully to have a heart-to-heart talk. For example, the husband who became not too attentive can tell approximately following:“ Recently you not too were interested in my problems, and it touches me. I would like to discuss it“.

In - the first, the straight talk gives you the chance to express. In - the second, the interlocutor can even apologize to you eventually. Though to count that it by all means happens is not necessary. And moreover, you should not hope that after such conversation of people will change the behavior. Not everyone is capable to correct the acts even if knows that they give to relatives an inconvenience.

is Told by Anna, 34:“ After a wedding I moved from St. Petersburg to Moscow where we with the husband lived nearly three years. We gave birth to twins, and my mother literally begged us to return to St. Petersburg, promising that she will help with children, to release us in the evenings and during week-end that we could stay together. I did not want to deprive of children of grandmother`s care, and eventually we gave in on arrangements. And what you think? Mother appears at us at most once a month and when I tried to remind of her promises, she unperturbably spoke: “Well, I have also affairs!“ Yes, I am offended on it and disappointed. But, on the other hand, in St. Petersburg at us everything developed very well: the husband has a fine work, and the salary is even more, than was earlier. I understand that there is no sense to swear at mother - not to change her. At us quite benevolent, though superficial relations“.

Sometimes it makes sense to take p under control own expectations in relation to people around and to be ready to forgive them misses. The matter is that the forgiveness helps you to replace negative emotions with positive - a pacification, sympathy, love. Finally your relationship with people around will only be won.

do not forget

that people can be mistaken. So, it is quite natural that even the closest people touch you from time to time or upset. It is impossible to be reconciled with dangerous manifestations of aggression at all. But in other cases the wisest that you can make in a critical situation, is to remind itself that people without shortcomings do not exist.

“When crisis began

, I was discharged from office, - Elizabeth tells, - I not really worried because I knew that on the deposit at us rather impressive sum “for rainy day“ lies. Present what to me was when it became clear that several months ago the husband invested money in securities, without having told the word to me about it. During crisis they fell in price almost by 8 times, and it was possible to sell them only for nothing. I was ready to kill him! My first thought was - immediately to get divorced. But after long talk with the husband, parents and the closest friends I, at last, realized: yes, he made the incorrect decision, but he made it only of good intentions. Wanted to earn money for me and children. The important role was played also that he is a beautiful father, and I did not want to give to children a reason to think that when there are difficulties, it is necessary to throw everything. As a result we reconciled, I found new work. Our securities went up in price a little though they it is hardly reached former level. Now we for fun call those days “time when we could strengthen the relations“. Frankly speaking, I think: time we could endure it, we will be able to endure anything“.

the Belief and forgiveness

For sincerely believing people an opportunity to forgive the caused offense is a true divine blessing. The Christianity initially is based on ability to forgive. And therefore, if it is difficult for you to cope with emotions which brim over, talk to the believing person or to the priest. Of course, you can tell that you know beforehand everything that can advise you, but actually it not absolutely so. Important not only what you will be told, but also how it will be told. Sometimes one right word pronounced at the right time can change all further life. Do not refuse this opportunity.

of 7 steps to forgiveness
  1. Dare to feel anger. Before getting rid of emotions, give yourself the chance to experience them. Perhaps, at first it is worth refraining from meetings with the offender or, on the contrary, to bring up a question of the incident. To forgive someone - does not mean to allow to walk about itself. To forgive - means to feel the force, ability to rise over a situation.
  2. you Tell
  3. about it. The friend or the relative to whom you trust the priest, the psychologist can become your interlocutor. The straight talk will help to realize that you feel and to find the points of view of which you did not think.
  4. Calm yourself when emotions read off scale. If you think of something unpleasant, the organism begins to produce hormones of a stress and all body comes to tension. In this case the only way to calm down - consciously to get it together.
  5. Remember cases when you were wrong and you were forgiven. For certain there was also it! Any person makes acts of which you should not be proud. Remembering it, you will not begin to judge the offender too strictly.
  6. Remember that the forgiveness is a gift which you make to yourself. Ability to forgive will relieve you of a set of the unpleasant moments.
  7. do not give up on the decision. If you realized that you are ready to forgive the one who offended you, talk about it to someone from the family, friends or with the offender. If you tell it that you forgive, it can become the beginning if not new relations then at a slow pace to mutual understanding.
  8. Enjoy tranquility. When you manage to come to forgiveness, will feel an incomparable condition of rest and grace. Enjoy it!