Rus Articles Journal

How to teach the child of responsibility?

to become really the adult, your child should learn to be responsible for the acts, to earn - and not to depend on you.

“I do not know

what to do, - Anna, mother 21 - summer Sergey complains. - The son studies on the fourth year of paid institute. Certainly, I pay his study, education is very important. But I hoped that it will work gradually, such opportunity is. Thought even that soon maybe to help me financially. However recently he declared that I am obliged to provide it because it is not going to work anywhere. We live together, me 55 years, and I am afraid that I will not be able long to contain it. It needs money both for clothes, and for entertainments, and for travel - he did not get used to save...“

Psychologists note that similar complaints of parents to adult children - the phenomenon very frequent. And most often parents are convinced: to 20 - 25 years they have to give to the child everything - prosperity, education, carefree life, housing... And then, when it becomes heavy to finance the growing requirements, parents suddenly find out that the grown-up son or the daughter of other also does not represent. The conflicts are also born in this moment. “You already adult also have to provide yourself“, - the parent says. “And what changed?“ - the child in whose consciousness no changes happened sincerely is surprised. He considers reproaches in the address offensive.

“If I start conversation that well and to work, bear responsibility for something, then in reply I hear:“ Again you about money! It is more about anything you cannot speak“, - Alla living together with 23 - summer the son tells, - and I all life only for it tried. Now he is angry, says that he in general will leave that I tortured him cavils and the greed“.

childhood Border

When the child becomes an adult? Some consider that it happens in day when to it it is executed 18, others are convinced that study at institute quite still belongs to adolescence, and adulthood begins with revenues to work. There are still supporters of views:“ I will marry / marry, then it is possible and to sigh“. Result of this blurring of borders the contradiction becomes frequent: on the one hand, with 18 - 20 - the summer person require adult solutions, and with another, - do not give the chance to operate independently the life. And adults appear in confusion: when their child stops being the teenager?

At various times in various cultures people tried to solve this problem. And most often drew line artificially, by means of ceremonies and rituals. For example, in the majority of the tribes of Australia and Africa there is an initiation ritual. As a rule, the dramatic art of ritual is constructed on danger overcoming, threat of life, is frequent on dying through which it is necessary to pass for transition to other quality. This dying of the childhood and birth of the mature person. The child passes initiation in strictly certain age and from this point officially it is considered the adult.

is not present

In our culture of such ceremonies therefore each family is forced to look for reference points. What can become a growing symptom? “The young individual, - wrote the famous French psychoanalyst Francoisa Dolto once, - leaves adolescence when the alarm for it his own parents does not make on it the braking action. What I tell is not too pleasant for parents, but it is that truth which will help them to see a picture clearly: their children became adults. time they are capable to be exempted from parental influence, thinking about themselves approximately following: “Parents are parents, do not change them also I and I do not seek to change them. They do not accept me it what I am, that it is worse for them. I leave them“. Also leave without any sense of guilt. At this moment of a sharp change most of parents are inclined to accuse the children as those force them to suffer. The alarm of parents grows:“ What with them will be, they have no experience?. “-and so on, and so forth“.

initiation ritual Replacement can become today, according to Francoisa Dolto, a certain youthful project, dream which implementation is connected with serious effort and even sometimes with danger. Most to earn money, to make unusual, even risky trip - dreams of it say that the teenager is in a transitional phase from adolescence in an adult state. And at this moment how this transition will take place depends on behavior of adults. It is the best of all to feed this dream, but not to contradict it. “If the teenager has some project, - Dolto says, - even if long-term, it will rescue it. It is necessary that something fed his plans. It is what does expectation tolerant when you in a youth purgatory, in a condition of powerlessness and economic dependence...“

The is become more senior by the child, the in his life obedience and the bigger responsibility has to take the smaller place.

School of a growing

But that the grown-up child could realize the project, the dream, it has to have tools for this purpose. And adolescence - the most suitable time to teach the teenager to bear responsibility for itself. To cultivate this quality in the child - all the same what to pass on a rope, it is necessary to manage to find balance between control, freedom and prudence.

do not confuse responsibility to obedience and sense of duty. Often parents dream of that the child was able to be responsible for himself, but at the same time subject it to strict control and demand total obedience. The child is obliged to be responsible for each offense is and is understood as responsibility. For example, parents speak:“ You have in the room an awful bedlam! That by the evening everything was cleaned“. And from that, how precisely the child will execute this task, a conclusion will depend: he can be responsible for himself or not? However all of us understand: than the child, that a high probability of the fact that he will not make about what it is asked is more senior. Why? Yes because he does not consider it as a disorder, nobody asked his opinions and provided the choice. And all his fault - in disobedience. And to be responsible means voluntarily to make decisions, to understand need of action and to finish it. At the small child this feeling it is possible “to train“ - together to discuss, give the chance to choose duties (for example, on the house, on care of an animal, etc.) and to tell “technology“ of performance.

Think of the child as about the person responsible, you speak to it and people around about it. The matter is that children in estimates themselves are guided by estimates of adults. When you are convinced:“ If not to force it, he will never make anything“, - the child adopts this installation. And really will not do anything without pressure. Try to change the internal installations with negative to positive: instead of “he is not able let decisions“ will make “I trust the child, he is responsible for the acts and can take care of himself“. If you trust in it really, also the child will believe, so, will begin to act differently.

do not hide information on that how many you spend for it from the teenager. Many parents also do not consider, in how many it the child manages, believing that “it has to have all“. When the son or the daughter becomes more senior, expenses increase - parents are often forced to limit themselves. But the child about it sometimes even does not suspect, getting used that all his requirements are always satisfied.


from what age the child will have to provide himself. Let it will be, for example, 18 years or the termination of the first course of institute. And in advance agree with the child about it. From time to time remind him: “In a year (two - three) you need to find work, to pay the expenses...“ Be firm and consecutive, carry out the decision even if it seems to you that the child is not ready yet.

you do not hurry to satisfy all needs of the child. If at the person three times a day appear food on a table if at it it is always cleaned the apartment, at the right time there are clothes, the computer, books, money for rest, then it just has no incentives to become independent. To avoid quarrels, agree that gradually you will reduce financial “presence“ at the child`s life. It is the best of all to make the whole program - for few years or several months.

you Learn to handle money. for this purpose to you should have a talk in the beginning with the child about what he sees the future on what salary counts what requirements it has etc. Then stipulate the rule of the financial statement of all money given by you. Quite so the child will learn to control the expenses and to bear responsibility for expenditure. (But, certainly, do not distribute this rule to that money which he will earn.) And, at last, help to pass gradually to self-sufficiency - to make the personal budget, to find suitable work, separate housing. Keep in mind - the teenager and the young man has to know every day accurately what money it has for a week or for a month.

do not give in to

on provocation. It is quite natural that at first the child will try to return to the former warm place where all gave it and nothing was demanded. Sometimes you will be feels intolerably sorry for him, and you will catch yourself on thought: “Well I should buying it this dress?“ or “Really I cannot feed the only sonny?“

depends on you now whether your grown-up child will be able to become the adult free person who is able to bear responsibility for himself and for the relatives. If you are quiet, benevolent, but are firm, your efforts will return to you gratitude. As, for example, it happened at Marina, mother 20 - summer Ania: “In 10 - the m a class at the daughter began the novel, just dreadful for us, parents. The boy went on a gold medal, started everything, the daughter in general stopped to study. Scandals began, in 11 - m a class in the first half of the year shone the two, but it was all the same. I had to run on teachers and “to agree“. The daughter and her boy acted as Romeo and Juliette whom spiteful relatives do not allow to live and love. On all my “cries“ there was one answer:“ I am an adult independent person and I live as I want“. Time went, examinations and receipt in institute were coming. I looked for the courses - exits, it seemed to me, at any cost it is necessary to push it in higher education institution and how differently? Ania was sure that she quite so and will be that she “will arrive“.

But one fine day I suddenly understood that should be done. In response to next “I am adult, I“ I answered:“ The adult independent person lives on the money and does not depend on people around“. I suggested it to move after school to the apartment (which we bought it about three years ago, on the future) and the help in employment the secretary. And all. Any institutes, tutors, bribes, money. She decided that it is a joke, shouted that will not go to work. However after final its things were transported to the repaired apartment, and I gave phone by which she had to call to have interview.

the Next year the daughter lived for a modest salary of the secretary, worked for 8 hours a day, got up at 6 in the morning to be in time for work. She left the boy in half a year of joint life. Itself went to courses and entered the institute in the summer.

Should tell

that we communicated that year a little. I was difficult to force for it not to call every day, not to learn whether she came back home, as from it business. But I told myself that I tear this umbilical cord, - it is better, for the daughter first of all.

Exactly in a year I “received“

other person who thanked me for this “surgery“. Since then we with the daughter excellent friends, Ania graduated from institute, found new work. Never asks anything from me and she is very grateful when I make it gifts. It has a new boyfriend, and we are on friendly terms houses“.