Ordinary miracle of
“Who will resist against separation,
of Temptation of new beauty,
Against fatigue and boredom,
I of willfulness of dream?“ -
was so told by the Demon at Lermontov, seeking to discredit in the opinion of Tamara terrestrial love. But as it is strong, - this terrestrial love if all new and new generations of men and women, without looking back at a bitter experience of some friends and girlfriends, give each other hands and trustfully speak: “Let`s get married?“ These minutes they are sure: them is that love will overcome everything. Yes, only the love is capable of this miracle: to so pull together two destinies, two absolutely various lives developing everyone in own way in the world of the values, traditions, habits, to so pull together them that the general new destiny was formed of these two. And in it will merge, will be alloyed, former interests, values, traditions and habits will connect and will appear new, characteristic of this family.
Long ago none of us believe that marriages are made in heaven. That promiseds therefore and are called that already to a meeting with each other once and somewhere suzhdena each other were a certain highest force.
We know that marriages are made on the earth, at our own will, on love or at least on an inclination - you are pleasant to me, and I you, let`s be the husband and the wife - a family. As it is never fine - to be separated from darling, from the person whom you choose from all people, the only thing with which - you know it well! - there is, always, a wish to carry out all life together day by day. Under the same roof. Dividing both a grief and pleasure. Life to live - to pass not the field... Everyone can happen...
Probably, many heard and laughed to an old story how the girl married spoke to mother: “It was good to you, the mammy to marry native father, and me - so the stranger the uncle!“ Let`s remind by the way: as often in those days violently, not for darling gave the girl - not therefore whether and she perceived him “the stranger the uncle“. Let`s stop fully that, according to the daughter, father to the mammy was native. And yes truth: having looked at the parents (provided that in a family a harmony), you see, it is even difficult to present that your father was once a stranger for your mother. In it is that transformation of strangers once of people in the family - secret secret families. Just the fact that “will resist against separation“ and other destructive forces. What does spouses by the family? Probably, not only children who terribly make related spouses, but can leave, nevertheless, them strangers on spirit, on views. Otherwise the families having children would never break up.
Observing life of the acquaintances, reflecting over books, over letters - confessions which comes to my address much, I think that the main thing here - aspiration to make happy darling. And by all means mutual aspiration. Of course, there are families existing thanks to desperate efforts of only one of spouses “to develop happiness“ for two, and there will be children, and for three - four, but such families will not call amicable.the feeling of relationship is easy and natural
arises between lovers, - the nature helps people to create the union of two, allowing them to endure feeling of boundless trust to each other, dependences from each other. Yes, and dependences, but dependences But why, having endured this feeling of relationship, other young people, having become the husband and the wife, forget soon enough what made them happy? Let`s speak only about loving because there is no sense to argue on cases when the young man marries “for convenience“ life: that was to whom to wash, cook a dinner, to stroke, and the girl - that by means of a marriage at once to solve living arrangement problems: that the apartment, and in the apartment prosperity, and all, as if by magic, on its volition... In such cases if that bad between spouses also begins, is so clear why. But here loving, them is that is according to sociological polls at us the prevailing majority. What happens to loving?
I Think, many to whom the matrimony becomes burdensome, - the victims of idea of love as about a certain mystic force which will take out everything: their laziness, whims inconvenient for the general life of a habit, impudence and a lot of things still. There is such paradoxical phenomenon: without believing at all that marriages are made in heaven, perfectly understanding that happiness is produced by people, behave loved by a time so as if they entirely rely on “heaven“. And the main argument in disputes expose against each other the magic phrase: “But you know that I love you?“ At first this “spell“ works. But how soon it decays in family skirmishes! Before magic words turn into an empty phrase and spouses (or one of them) with bitterness exclaim: Whether “Yes there is it - this love?!“ Or just claim with unshakable confidence:“ There is no fairy tale all this for small - any love! So executioners of the love also slander it. Yes, executioners!
But the love in itself cannot exist. She becomes stronger and supported by acts, work which we with pleasure and readiness do for the sake of those whom we love. Really the loving woman, expecting the husband from evening shift, will while away time in chatter with the girlfriend at the TV instead of making a dinner? Similarly this question is turned also to the man. Really more difficult something to weld, buy bread there if there were houses before the wife, than to sit at a cold plate and to save irritation to arrival of the spouse? I follow examples protozoa, but, unfortunately, about it every second complaint to an unsuccessful matrimony.
Purely physiological dependence from each other cannot long proceed if all life, human - the related relation to each other, about each other spouses do not try to maintain by self-sacrificing care this fine dependence. Otherwise the inclination dies, it dies hard, performing destructive work in characters, here is how one my acquaintance writes:“ was kind and cheerful, and I become angry and irritable“.
I Think, everyone on himself knows operation of the famous psychological law: we treat the person to whom made something kind better, than that, to a lump is free or involuntarily brought chagrin, trouble. In a family this law works inevitably in each simplest household business. Their set, these put, in our house life. And depends on us whether we light them with love, whether she lives in them.the Nature of true love is selfish
: only caring for happiness of darling, you will be happy also. This work for each other, pity to each other - so call love in the people - and does by the family once of foreign people.
Not always spouses are allocated with equally strong characters, are identical on mind, on education. Sometimes someone from them in all respects has advantage. But far more often these qualities are as if redistributed between them. In a family by all means there is a mutual education - both obvious and latent, imperceptible. Husband and the wife attentive to each other as if double everyone the kind qualities, and egoistically concentrated on themselves - strengthen bad.
Careful tactfulness in “matrimonial pedagogics“, ability to correct, without having offended, without having humiliated, too it is dictated by love - attention, respect for human dignity of the spouse, and too there is a work - thin and continued work of soul. It is necessary to recognize that the lack of such subtlety is found often also by women, not only men. I do not know, than to explain it: or aspiration of the spouse to emphasize the indisputable influence on the husband, or just insufficient good breeding, but I think, it was necessary to meet also to you the women bragging by the ability “to hold the husband in hand“. “I do not give descent to it!“ And from outside unpleasantly happens to observe how on a visit or somewhere in public - in shop, in transport such “owner“ pejoratively utters something or orders to the satellite. Already it is possible to determine by tone that this satellite - the husband.
Such woman is able to afford to discuss in the presence of the husband his shortcomings or weaknesses with the girlfriend, just from the acquaintance, can deride the habits accepted in his family, is disrespectful speak of his family. And ask it a good minute why she acts this way, and you will hear that moves it only... love. Same love!
She therefore so treats the husband that she to it wants good. Rough words - so they are words and is, he - that knows how it concerns him. And rough words have ability to kill love. Accumulate as poison, and poison her to death. Do not trust a saying “darlings, quarrel - only play“. At first, maybe, also play as with pleasure then reconciliation. Time and time moreover time - sweet of reconciliation becomes boring, and the soul hardens. Words with which you awarded darling imperceptibly stick to him, and, alas, from it he does not become better. The offense caused by your words develops at it into coldness.Should try to help the person to see
good in itself. At times, he does not know what he is capable of, and you prompt to it, praise it, be surprised to it, notice even its small kind effort. And he will be delighted. I think, it has to become “golden rule“ of the family relations: not to “saw“, humiliating human, man`s dignity, and to help the husband to become near you by itself, and even it is better, than was. A true miracle of love - in creation of the person, in coauthorship, in cooperation with it, darling. I intentionally emphasize this with prefix: in Russian it means compatibility of efforts, from here and the word “spouses“, that is going in one team. When their efforts are amicable and agree, and the cart is not heavy, and joint life - in pleasure.