How to tell “No“ For certain much of us at least once in life had to tell
“yes“ though there was a wish to tell “no“. To do what did not want to be done at all. To accept offers which do not promise anything good. To connect ourselves by promises which we could execute only at the price of big efforts. At last, to buy things which not really - that are necessary only because the seller “was so kind“... At someone similar situations arise incidentally, but there are people for whom the inability to tell “no“ turns into the real problem.
the Example of similar non-failure operation - the kindest soul the librarian from the remarkable movie “It Is in Love at Own Will“. It was always ready to come to the rescue of colleagues: to change, undertake others work, to borrow money... As a result, when once she dared to answer a request of a certain lady (which, by the way, saw for the first time in life) with refusal, the petitioner to a limit was revolted: “How it you “can not“?! And me you were characterized absolutely differently!“
Can be remembered and one more movie - “Always say “Yes!“ with Jim Carrey whose ready to help hero, having gone into extremes, gave a ride to bums, giving them all cash, reluctantly, accepted the offer “come on a coffee cup“ from the lewd old woman. Being a bank employee, distributed to the right and on the left the credits under the most ridiculous projects.
Mutual assistance - business, certainly, good, and the philanthrophy is one of important virtues. However, over and over again satisfying others requests (often to the detriment of own interests), we get reputation of people by whom it is possible “to go“ with success. We become an easy mark for any manipulators and other persons interested “to sweep“ for someone else`s account. Besides, without having managed to answer “no“ on uninviting to us the offer in time or having agreed to make work for which we have neither time, nor forces, we risk to bring the person who addressed to us with this request. And if we do not pull? We will not be able to execute promised? It is not better to refuse politely at once, having given an opportunity to the applicant to solve the problems as - nibud without our help?
But the main thing that constantly carrying out desires of others, we cease to understand what ourselves want actually, we lose touch with by itself, we lose ourselves...
What forces us to follow the tastes of people around, neglecting own interests? Psychologists call several reasons of similar behavior.to
the Low self-assessmentby
If in the childhood to the child did not pay due attention, he did not receive unconditional parental love, his opinion was a little considered, then at some moment he could decide that only agreeing with others, in every possible way pleasing them, it gets chance to deserve love of significant people, to be accepted by them, to become “good“ in their eyes. Further the similar behavior model is consolidated: having become the adult, such person continues to grant desires of people around as in him there lives the confidence that only in this case he can count on their arrangement.Such people are not self-assured
, quite often it seems to them that in itself they are not of special value. And only rendering services to all around, meeting others expectations, they find this value, become rather necessary. Feelings and desires of other people are presented to such person very important while their own feelings, desires and interests fade into the background. Whether it is worth being surprised that soon just cease to reckon with it?
the Example of parents
Alexey had quite happy childhood. He never suffered neither from absence of parental love, nor from a lack of attention and respect of people around. The talented scientist managing to combine the scientific interests with business, it does not possess the underestimated self-assessment at all. On the contrary, it is the person knowing the own worth. Meanwhile, it is among too those who are not able to speak “no“. In particular - to the friend Kolya...
the Inhabitant of a small country town Nikolay is the frequent guest in a family of Alexey and his wife Mila. Frequent so that quite often visits the capital every month and lives at the companion till some days, feeling at the same time as at home. It is impossible to tell that Alexey is always glad to these visits, especially his spouse Mila, not delighted with them, - the small-sized apartment with the combined bathroom not really promotes hospitality manifestation. Nevertheless, none of spouses ever even hinted Kolya that his regular presence at their life is not absolutely pertinent.“It is inconvenient, impolite
“ “Intelligent people this way do not act“ “In our family it is not accepted to expose people for a threshold“ - approximately concerning Kolya Alexey so explains the position. Alexey inherited all these beliefs from the parents. In confirmation of it he tells the following story:
“When I was still a student, at our place half a year there lived one my classmate. He was from other city, but for any reason (already and I do not remember on what) could not or did not want to lodge in the hostel. My parents and the grandmother, rather were tired of the guest, but behaved so delicately that when he all - decided from us to move down, started with me such conversation: “Listen, Lesh, I found to myself other apartment here, here only I do not know how to tell about it to your parents. Suddenly they will take offense what I from you leave?“
Inherited from parents of belief how arrive or intelligent people do not arrive that it is polite and that - no, a parental example, played a role in formation of behavior model of Alexey.
- One more reason for which we often cannot tell “no“ - our desire to be irreplaceable. We over and over again undertake others work in exchange for reputation of the cool, unique expert. We grab all household chores to have an opportunity to reproach relatives: “Here you see how it is necessary to do it!“ That is, we receive a certain benefit.
- A happens that we cannot refuse to the person, being afraid to offend him. Or being afraid of
- , as he to us, in turn, will sometime refuse our request.
- is frequent we do not want to spoil the relations with certain people, for example, with the administration.
- Or, in general, so we do not love the conflicts that it is simpler to us to agree to make that we are asked, than to be involved in a showdown....
Whatever were the reasons for which we cannot tell others “no“, but if it constantly infringes upon our own interests, breaks borders of our personality if it becomes difficult for us to constrain irritation, say, if it turned for us into a problem - it should be solved. For this purpose first of all it is worth trying to understand: why we behave in this way?
A having understood the reasons of own non-failure operation, next time, when we about something are asked, it is necessary to try quietly and to reflect slowly on whether really our participation in this action so is necessary? > As it is correct to p to refuse to
to tell “no“ it was easier, it is useful to remember “Psychological human rights“. Here excerpts from them:
Ya I have the right:
...to express to
- own feelings, estimates and opinions, without justifying oneself and without apologizing; to establish to
- the priorities, to declare the requirements, to be oneself regardless of the fact that want and expect from me others; to tell
- “yes“ and “no“, internally without feeling guilty or selfish;
- to make mistakes and to change the opinion; by
- to choose strategy not to assert the rights (that is, to concede).
Psychologists recommend to write down situations in which you could not tell “no“ in a special notebook. Analyse with whom, in what situation it occurs more often. Describe feelings which you had at that moment. And what, in your opinion, it is advisable to tell.
the Step 1
to refuse, it is necessary to have internal determination to make it. Grope, feel the determination. If it small - increase it. Think what actually your partner as far as he is honest with you what negative consequences will be brought to you by the compelled consent tries to obtain. Tell at first yourself: “No, I will not do it, and now I will report about it“.the Step 2 you Tell
to “no“, using a pronoun “I“:“ I will not do it “, “ it does not suit me“, etc. After that briefly and accurately explain why it quite so, prove refusal. And that your refusal was really convincing, pay attention to the pose, intonation - they have to be sure, do not fawn, do not apologize (re-read “Psychological human rights“). the Step 3 Now quietly listen to objections of the partner. It is quite natural, from the first nobody will stop trying to overpersuade you. Anything terrible. Sound the position once again (both two, and three, this equipment for this reason is called “The worn-out plate“) - “Yes, I understood you, but I will not do it all the same because...“ . Further your arguments follow. Note: your refusal will sound slightly more softly, it will be less unpleasant for the applicant if you use technology of “Refusal with understanding“: for this purpose in It is unconditional, you should not turn into mister “No“, refusing all and everything, - it is not necessary to go into extremes. The main thing that the decision to satisfy this or that request was your own, but not imposed by someone from the outside.
“no“, using a pronoun “I“:“ I will not do it “, “ it does not suit me“, etc. After that briefly and accurately explain why it quite so, prove refusal. And that your refusal was really convincing, pay attention to the pose, intonation - they have to be sure, do not fawn, do not apologize (re-read “Psychological human rights“).
the Step 3
Now quietly listen to objections of the partner. It is quite natural, from the first nobody will stop trying to overpersuade you. Anything terrible. Sound the position once again (both two, and three, this equipment for this reason is called “The worn-out plate“) - “Yes, I understood you, but I will not do it all the same because...“ . Further your arguments follow.
Note: your refusal will sound slightly more softly, it will be less unpleasant for the applicant if you use technology of “Refusal with understanding“: for this purpose in
It is unconditional, you should not turn into mister “No“, refusing all and everything, - it is not necessary to go into extremes. The main thing that the decision to satisfy this or that request was your own, but not imposed by someone from the outside.