Second child: position of parents. Began part 2
Making the decision “to bring“ the second child only because the first “did not turn out“ such as wanted, parents put a severe injury to the senior. How insufferably to feel that you are insufficiently good in order that mother and the father loved you!
Of course, children in a family differ from each other. Happens that one of them is really more beautiful or more talented than the others. But it does not mean that he has to become for parents “favourite“. More likely, on the contrary, mothers and fathers have to make special efforts that none of children felt superiority of the child whom the nature presented more generously. Even the hint on an inequality should not be from parents. Otherwise “favourite“ will have “star fever“, and other children have a feeling of lameness. Remember that brothers in the poem of the Short story told the Matveevy girl who molded from plasticine of a figure and sentenced: “If the doll leaves badly, I will call it the foolish woman...“? They told:“ Unless the doll is guilty?. You mold them roughly, you love them a little, you also are guilty, and nobody is guilty “(“ the girl and plasticine“).
many parents have long dreams which were not executed. Someone wanted to study at prestigious school, but could not afford it. Someone dreamed to speak since the childhood three languages and did not learn any. Someone always wanted to be the opera singer, and became the accountant. But it seems to much that these dreams are so attractive for their children, as well as for them.
- you know, I since the childhood dreamed to become a ballerina, but it was not possible. But I will take care of the daughter. I will do everything possible and impossible in order that it came to a choreographic class. It it will become obligatory the ballerina! - mother of the six-year-old girl reports.
- But same, probably, it is hard. Special preparation is necessary? - the psychologist asks.
- Yes, of course. We with it go to special classes four times a week after kindergarten, - with pride mother answers.
- Tell, you like to dance? - the psychologist addresses the girl who throughout all conversation with her mother with enthusiasm draws something.the Girl negatively shakes
- I like to draw, - quietly as if “in confidence“, she says, looking back at mother.
But mother, certainly, hears it.
- do not pay attention to her words. Nonsenses it. It is small still, understands nothing. Will grow, thanks will tell me, - she answers the psychologist.
Of course, offensively if you could not achieve what you very much wanted. And, certainly, it is very pleasant if your children achieve your dream. The child - your chance to live life anew. To live it as you want. As the temptation is big to forget that the son or the daughter have desires, the life!Always accurately divide
where your desires and where desires of your child. If they coincide - well. And if is not present, you remember: children are not obliged to satisfy ambitions of parents.Each child is in own way talented and unique
. Parents need to get accustomed and choose only that sphere in which abilities of their kid are shown most brightly. Try to be interested in affairs and occupations of the of the son or daughter. The attention of parents will give to the child pleasure, and to you will allow to understand, than he really is fond. And suddenly you will find out that, forcing the child to play a violin, you deprive the world of the gifted artist?
Aim the efforts at the development of to what your child has tendency, and you will be able surely to be proud of his progress.
It is some versions of the answer to the question “Why You Decided to Bring the Second Child?“ from a set of possible. Unfortunately, quite often fathers and mothers begin the answer with words “because I want...“, “when I will have a child, I will be able...“ . All of them are united that the child serves as means for achievement of some purposes. Let for you the kid in itself will be the main and only goal.
of Feeling of the senior child
Happens, the parents loving each other bring the second child to present life to the new person, and are ready to accept and love it it what it is. Fathers and mothers expect that the birth of the second child will well affect the firstborn. The senior will care about younger, to fraternally share with him things, toys, delicacies that will serve as good “remedy“ for egoism. The firstborn will be relieved of loneliness - children will be able to play and walk together. And here the senior child for some reason does not rejoice at all. Instead he suddenly begins to demand that parents “returned“ the little brother or the little sister (carried back in maternity hospital, handed over in shop, gave to a stork who brought it, etc.) . Why it occurs and how to behave to parents in such situation?
to Mother and the father should show patience and a step. The child behaves so not because he cruel and greedy but because he is jealous. It is caused by sharp change of its situation in a family. Your firstborn has two strong feelings: fear from - for opportunities to lose your love and anger - all its attempts to return itself monopoly for attention of mother and the father do not make success.
the Child whose parents want to have several children will surely lose the status of the only thing, and rivalry at appearance of the second child not to avoid. Whether means it that dislike of the senior for younger is inevitable? No. But you should make certain efforts to prevent it.
First of all, to mothers and fathers it is necessary to treat with care words of the children. Many children ask “to present“ to them the kid. Such requests calm the parents who decided to start one more child. And some mothers and fathers seriously reflect whether you should not execute dream of the son or daughter. At the same time adults do not consider that four - the five-year-old child not always understands about what he asks. Most likely, he saw how someone rolls on the yard a carriage with the baby, and now just envies. To what else consequences, except an opportunity to play “little mother“ or “the little father“, will lead performance of its request, he does not realize.
Therefore, regardless of the fact that the child speaks to you about the desire to have the brother or the sister prepare the senior for emergence younger on light in advance. The simple message that the younger brother or the little sister will be born soon for the child of three - four years not enough. Try to take the following advice.
- Try to connect the forthcoming event with concrete moments of life of the child:“ What beautiful tower you constructed! When you have a little sister, you will teach to form her same? “, “ However, it is cheerful to ride from a hill the sledge? Together with the brother it will be even more interesting to you!“. Emphasize
- that the senior - your assistant that you hope for it. “Soon, the daughter, at us in the house will appear the small child. Efforts will increase at once: and to wash diapers, and on dairy kitchen to run both to bathe the child, and it will be necessary to walk with him. To us together definitely not to cope with the father. As it is good that we have you! You will help?“ Well what child will answer “no“ when to him address as the adult?
- Consult on the firstborn: how to call future kid what color of a diaper to buy, where to put a bed. If the opinion of the child does not coincide with yours, but is quite acceptable, think whether you should not concede. The respect of mother and father for the point of view of the child will allow it to feel involved in the taking place events, but not pushed by them the background.
- After the birth of the kid try to awaken interest in the new family member in the senior. “Look what handles, tiny at it, and legs!“, “However, it amusing when sleeps?“, “And you saw with what appetite he eats?“ Be not upset if you do not notice special sympathy for the kid from the first child. The newborn - the person, unfamiliar for it. Let the firstborn perceive younger as “a live doll“ so far. Curiosity - any more not indifference. And the charm of small will surely awaken tenderness in heart of the senior. you Remember
- , you promised the senior child that he to you will help to care for the newborn? Now it is a high time to keep the promise. Let the senior will make the feasible contribution to care of the kid. Surely emphasize how the help of the firstborn is important for you. You bathe the newborn, and the senior daughter sings a song that that did not cry: “Thanks to you, daughter“. On walk together with the son you carry a carriage with the kid:“ To one to me it would be heavy. Thanks, sonny“. Encourage with
- any manifestation of attention and care of the senior in relation to the kid. Even if it is excess efforts for you. Of course, more simply and quicker to rock to sleep the kid most, than to entrust it to the daughter. The diapers washed by inept children`s hands, most likely, should be washed. But the pleasure and pride of the child will serve you as the deserved reward for patience.
- do not force the senior to care for younger At all. It you, the father and mother, decided to bring the second child, so to care for him - your duty. To the senior only three - four years, and he looks after the kid not because it “is necessary“ but because it is interesting. For it it is game in “the adult brother“ (or “the adult sister“), but it is a basis for emergence of a sense of responsibility for the one who is younger and is weaker.
- do not deprive of the senior status “small“.
Mother of two daughters (five and a half years and one year) is concerned by behavior of senior. The girl copies behavior of younger sister: pretends what is not able to speak, cries as the baby, asks that bought it a romper suit, shook on hands. Several times pulled out the little sister from a bed and laid down in it. Mother believes that the reason of such behavior in children`s jealousy, and tries not to pay attention to it. “I pretend that I hear nothing and I do not see. In my opinion, such acts cannot be encouraged, she is already big girl!“ - mother explained to us.
the Senior child in a family, irrespective of his age, often hears from us “You already adult“. As a rule, we tell it when we reproach him for offenses and bad behavior or we try to induce to do something that he does not want. Strangely enough, we also at the same time sincerely believe that our firstborn already “big“. We do not think that quite recently, till the birth of the second child, the first was for us “small“. For this reason we forgave it that mischief and whims for which we punish now. Why? Perhaps, with emergence in the house of the second child the senior changed? No. To it still as much years. And here we, parents, began to treat the firstborn differently. And the child quite fairly takes offense at us for it. Try to bypass acute angles, having used a number of recommendations. >
- to your son or the daughter it is hard for p to get used that they are already big. Be not too categorical. Allow the child to stay sometimes “baby“. Cries as the newborn, - take on hands, rock to sleep. Got into a bed of younger - pretend that did not notice “substitution“. Cannot fall asleep - sing a lullaby. For the child it proofs of your love. Need for copying of behavior of the small child will disappear if the firstborn is sure that it is loved at all not less, than the second child.
- Remember that “senior“ does not mean “adult“. Try that your requirements corresponded not only to the new status of the child in a family, but also to his real age, its opportunities. You can entrust the firstborn to track that small did not fall from a pelenalny little table while you run on kitchen and will remove the begun to boil milk from a plate. It rather serious and responsible for this purpose. But you should not ask the child to sit with the younger brother or the little sister of half a day. It is an excessive task for the person of four - five years even if he now “adult“.
- to be adult - means to have not only additional duties, but also the additional rights. We demand that the senior child behaved well, helped mother and the father, was accurate, responsible etc. It is already big. But to watch late TV, to solve, eat to it or to remain hungry, and in general it has no right to object parents - is small still. Any child will rise against such system of double standards. Perhaps, imposing “adult“ requirements to the child, it is worth recognizing behind him and some “adult“ rights.
- you Aspire to that the concepts “senior“, “adult“ were connected for the child with positive emotions. Avoid the words “you are already big“ when you abuse or you want to force to make something unpleasant. And here to praise for the help and obedience, having told: “Here well done! What adult assistant at me!“ will not prevent. Then the child will want to be an adult - it so pleasantly!
- As if you tried, absolute equality between children cannot be reached. The younger child requires more attention, than the senior. And approach to the kid is necessary absolutely other: you will not always punish for offense, sometimes it is necessary to concede it to requirements etc. But it is not terrible. The main thing that the senior son or the daughter did not feel deprived of parental love. It is possible to divide equally between children of a delicacy, toy, clothes, but at the same time to pay to one of them less attention: at formal equality the child will feel lonely all the same.
- Try to pay to the senior more attention. Of course, it is not simple. With the advent of the second child at mother with the father increased efforts. The kid it is necessary to feed, bathe, walk with him, to wash diapers. And it in addition to usual household chores: shop, preparation of lunches and dinners, cleaning of the apartment etc. And still, God forbid, there will be problems with health of small. To the tired and angry parents quite often happens not to careful attitude to feelings of the senior child. Therefore he continually hears: “Leave!“, “Do not disturb!“, “You see, I and without you am busy!“ . Mother refuses to read it the fairy tale before going to bed, the father does not allow to bring home friends. And to the senior only three - four years! He does not understand yet that mother becomes angry because was tired that it is impossible to rustle because small sleeps. If you push away the child, he will draw a conclusion that mother with the father love the younger little sister or the younger brother more - potter with the kid the whole day and do not shout at it at all. And then the offense on parents and hostility to “responsible“ for his misfortunes can lodge in soul of your firstborn. As if you were busy, try to find time for the senior child. Let it will be
10 - 15minutes in day, but completely belonging to it. For example: younger fell asleep - mother can read the firstborn the book; mother left to walk with the kid - means, the father with the son can play a little; the grandmother agreed to sit with the younger grandson - parents can bring together the senior in a zoo. It is not so difficult to find several minutes a day, but they will relieve the child of feeling that he is abandoned and is not necessary.
- Observe care and a step when you praise or you do remarks. Try not to abuse the child in the presence of his brother or the sister. It is better if offense or failure remain between you and the child. In - the first, there is a danger that other children will have a desire to laugh at guilty. And then not to pass quarrel. In - the second, public punishment - a serious blow to the ego of the person. And even if brothers and sisters will not begin to gloat over, difficult to demand that the child was kind with witnesses of the humiliation. Not only to abuse, but also it is necessary to praise intelligently. First of all, of course, it should not turn out so that you praise one child constantly, and another it is very rare. It does not mean that it is necessary to praise that which manages everything less. But you have to learn to see for what it is possible to praise also another. For example: one with ease coped with your assignment, and another how many he fought, could not. Of course, the first met your approval. But and the second it is possible to praise, for example for diligence. Besides, that to the second there was not a tfor joint stock company it is offensive, you can praise it in “advance payment“: “What Masha at us well done! Kostenka will try and too will surely cope. Truth?“ Many parents ask
- : Whether “To interfere with the conflicts of children?“ The definite answer to this question cannot be given, probably. Conflict to the conflict discord. Of course, if you see that physical force was already put to use, then it is necessary to interfere. Separate fighters. Find out in what the quarrel reason. But only in general, it is not necessary to arrange inquiry with the purpose to establish the main guilty person. Tell that you are very afflicted with behavior of both children. Advise as it is possible to settle business peaceful manner. But if children just argue, refrain from intervention. Parents who at the first signs of quarrel begin to find out who is right who is guilty, encourage a yabednichestvo: “Mother, Sasha took away from me the machine. Tell that gave!“ Stand aside. Let children learn to resolve the conflicts. Such “training“ with brothers and sisters is useful to the child in the future at communication with other people. Mothers and fathers should not learn to be afraid of children`s quarrels.“ The falling out of lovers is the renewal of love“. This saying can be carried not only to lovers, but also to brothers and sisters. As it is often possible to observe such picture: children who just quarreled even fought, again peacefully play together. Children are, as a rule, not vindictive and treat the conflicts not as we, adults. Well, argued, swore, sorted out the relations - and forgot, it is possible to be on friendly terms again.
- you Teach children to cooperation. Encourage their aspiration to do something together. Surely praise if they amicably play or work. Try to create situations for joint activity senior and younger. Let the kid as often as possible help the elder brother or the little sister. Younger the senior - a role of the mentor and head will be proud of the put trust, and.
that mother and the father love it also strongly, as well as before appearance of the younger child, he will quietly transfer that find for the kid more time and attention, willingly will share with it the things and with pleasure will help parents to look after the little sister or the brother.