Rus Articles Journal

The little jealous woman of

Expecting the birth of the second child, I decided to prepare the firstborn for this event in due form of psychological science. It appeared absolutely easily: the councils of psychologists read in books and magazines contradicted commands of my own soul at all.

to the Son was only two years old when I began to tell it about the tiny little man who lives and grows at me in a stomach and who should become the member of our family soon. My sonny liked stories about future baby, he with pleasure put the handle to a stomach in which new life moved. It was beforehand prepared for the fact that so far we with the newborn will be in maternity hospital, it should live at the grandmother with the grandfather. And heroically transferred this first in the life separation from parents and a home.

When we appeared

together again, everything went even better, than it was possible to imagine. The baby slept very many, and we with the son who missed the friend the friend spent together behind books, fairy tales, games, embraces very much time. My blue-eyed baby did not object if, nursing her, I held the book in hand or told the son the fairy tale. And to it at all not in burden was to carry wet diapers in the washing machine and sometimes to watch for a carriage at an entrance. I enjoyed this idyll. Also did not suspect that she is fated to end soon.

the daughter became meanwhile more senior than

A, slept less. Also the moment when it seemed to possess only one mother`s breast it insufficient came. She wished to receive in the order all mother entirely. Replacement in the form of the father was not accepted.

could be engaged in

with the son only during its short day dream Now. And so there was no wish to deprive of it such pacifying and favourite ritual as reading for the night! But its implementation turned into real torture: the daughter pulled out the book from hands and if I tried to tell the fairy tale or to recite verses, loudly shouted and literally shut me a mouth. She did not allow the brother to sit at me on a lap, and during feeding by a breast and close did not admit.

my balanced and quick-witted sonny, in general, understood explanations that it still too small to be fair, but he deserved nothing such relation. And I tired with satisfaction of needs still of the dumb baby so wanted communication with the bright and inquisitive son!

Here - that I also remembered

numerous books on education of children who I bought and studied when I gave birth to the first child. Whether they will help?

Cannot tell

that the subject of jealousy and rivalry is not lit at all by psychologists and teachers. For example, the famous American psychologist doctor Dobson gives the mass of remarkable advice: to avoid situations in which children are compared among themselves; in every possible way to show to brothers and sisters that each of them is of value, equal with the others, for parents. To distribute praises and criticism whenever possible equally.

Doctor Dobson provides the whole list of the rules and restrictions helping to keep order and discipline in a family and not to allow the worst manifestations of jealousy. All these offers really efficient, and I with pleasure will use them in several years. But how to explain to the one-and-a-half-year-old baby that mother - one for two and that the elder brother - too the person? How to organize joint game if this baby still is able nothing except how to destroy the construction constructed by the brother of cubes or sand?

the American authors William and Marta Serz who became famous for the book “Your Child“ very intelligibly tell

about how to prepare the senior child for emergence of younger. I already took this advice. Serza grew up eight children. Understanding that in such big family children inevitably suffer from a lack of attention of parents, they thought up the exit: to each child in turn mother and the father appoint “meetings“: drive its one in park, on attractions, in cafe, talk heart-to-heart. But it, of course, is not suitable for my tiny jealous woman, she is still too small.

Perhaps, the problem which arose in our family - something exclusive? No, poll of acquaintances showed the absolutely return. Probably, to be born when “place in the sun“ is already taken - it is too some kind of test which not so - that it is easy for younger children to pass.

the Only author in whose works I managed to find which - what reflections about this problem, - the famous psychoanalyst Alfred Adler. In the work “Education of children“ he considers a situation similar to mine: eldest son and younger daughter.“ The boy - the firstborn is usually indulged and at the same time wait for much from him, - Adler writes. - Situation it is favorable, the sister does not appear yet“.

According to Adler, the boy, without wishing to leave position of the only favourite, begins to fight against it. The girl in this situation remains nothing except how to make extraordinary efforts. It quickly develops, in many respects is ahead of the brother, and he begins to lose the man`s prestige, and together with it and self-confidence. From such firstborns, Adler considers, uncertain, lazy, nervous men who already in the childhood felt insufficiently strong grow up to compete with the sister.

Yes, gloomy supervision. But it is, perhaps, an extreme. In our case everything is not so bad. The son does not fight against the daughter, he is peaceful, balanced, well developed physically and intellectually and shadows of uncertainty in it, thank God, imperceptibly.

A here that Adler writes about younger children: they will bear on themselves the faultless stamp of the fact that they the smallest in a family. Most often younger is the one who wants to be ahead of all. He never is silent and believes that he has to reach bigger, than the others. By the way, and in fairy tales the younger child bypasses the brothers and sisters. It appears, such is not only Ivan the Fool - according to Adler, younger children in the German, Scandinavian, Chinese fairy tales are winners too.

Of course, in former times, when in families there were many children, the figure of the younger child was more distinct. Perhaps, to be younger in a large family - not absolutely the fact that in standard modern where usually only two offsprings. But nevertheless Alfred Adler`s conclusions should be taken into consideration.

However psychoanalysis by psychoanalysis, and I cannot read the son the book again, I cannot work with it mathematics and geography to which he already shows interest. And then I address children`s psychologists.

- it is valid, the subject of jealousy of the younger child of the senior in literature meets much less often, - the psychologist of children`s policlinic No. 108 of Moscow Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Loshinskaya agrees with results of my researches. - Books generally tell how to cope with jealousy of the senior child of younger. And it is clear because the senior, at least the one-and-a-half-year-old child, declares jealousy that is called in pure form, specific actions or words in relation to the kid. It turns out: there is a problem - there is a decision.

A here if is jealous absolutely small, irresponsible, then to differentiate the reasons of its whims very difficult. Whether it is jealousy, whether he actually “is hungry“. Therefore we seldom say that younger children are jealous, is more often:“ they are exacting, capricious, want in any way to draw attention to themselves, apply for leadership“. Strictly speaking, we state formation of manipulative style of behavior. But to understand that ourselves provoked all this, can be difficult.

It is unconditional, the jealous child fights for a place in the sun. Fights for our attention which is not enough for it. Is not enough because it is such exacting? No, because this attention to it gave short.

As was given short if mother only also is engaged in the kid? Yes, she devotes it more time, but internally, emotionally she can be ready for the senior at the same time. Bigger value for emergence of jealousy has not that formal amount of time which we give to children (though it too), and our internal frontage to one of them.

The matter is that small children are very sensitive to “mood“ on them. They perceive lack of warmth as threat of life and begin to draw to themselves attention with any available means.

the Striking example of it when the first child is not casual, long-awaited, mother and all relatives put in pregnancy, childbirth, in the first months of his life there is a lot of sincere energy. So there is a lot of that the second kid who was born through a short period cannot receive as much any more - just because parents by this moment are a little settled morally.

Agree: when in a family wait for the firstborn, mother, as a rule, thinks only of that he was born healthy and everything passed safely. All her thoughts are devoted to this kid. During the second and the subsequent pregnancies it cannot be given completely any more to thoughts of the one whom carries under heart, - the senior children require its attention, especially if they still not really independent.

Ya itself also did not avoid this mistake when in our family the second child appeared. Swaddling the younger daughter, I talked to senior. Regime of the baby was arranged under regime of the senior daughter. Me did not dismiss idea all the time that I will give short something senior of - for the fact that I devote a lot of time to younger. I perceived time of its dream as a happy opportunity to communicate to the oldest daughter.

I understood

I not at once why the younger girl grows capricious and whimsical, thinking that it is features of temperament. An idea of jealousy I was suggested by reaction of the baby to the attitude of people around towards our children. The more they gave preference of senior - quiet and appeasable, the more special attention required to itself younger.

Formal redistribution of attention did not yield any results if not to tell that it yielded negative result. Then, analyzing a situation and trying to control itself, I found out that there are a lot of at all internal movements of soul which are not giving in to correction. Also they emerge on a surface sometimes in some ridiculous forms. So, once, displaying soup on plates, I caught myself that the plate which was more attracted for some reason to me, though absolutely equivalent, I put before the oldest daughter. I noticed and the fact that calling up to itself both children, I always the first tell the name of the oldest daughter.

However my attempts “to counterbalance“ the attitude towards daughters in itself appeared

insufficiently: besides me children were surrounded by other people, and they continued to react to behavior of girls still.

The matter is that it is impossible to compensate by surplus of mother`s love indifference of people around. To convince other family members to accept the younger child it what he to eat, make out in him sincere, much stronger, than at the senior daughter, affection for them and dependence on them, it was possible not at once. The ideal option is when all love all equally. But how to achieve it?

I then I remembered that was told to me by one mother having many children when I asked it about how in a family with five children it is possible to create such peaceful atmosphere. Every day alone she speaks to each child on behalf of another (in a different form, often even inventing something): “As you are loved by Sasha!“. Or: “As you were waited by Seryozha“. Or:“ You know, Nadia to you left piece of cake“. Despite the seeming artificiality of this reception, it very much helps to improve the real relations between children - if to do it regularly, without passing day as though you give or take the medicine prescribed for long term.

This recipe as well as possible is suitable

also for adults. It is not necessary to convince long them - it is necessary just to tell once the grandmother that the “capricious“ child remembered that soup which she cooked with gratitude all week.

Children`s jealousy it as a children`s infectious disease - seldom who it can avoid

. From that to whom parents in the feelings are more turned (absolute balance meets extremely seldom here!) depends as will be cast between children of the jealous man and the appeasable child.

Why one of children is appeasable

and kompromissen? Because he is confident in parental love and feels protected. It is easy share only the person having what it shares in prosperity can.

A here that was told by Elena Anatolyevna Smirnova, the candidate of psychological sciences, the senior research associate of Psychological institute of Russian joint stock company.

Modern American psychologists do not connect jealousy of brothers and sisters to each other with that, senior they or younger too. Children initially feel defenseless, experts consider, and can overcome this vulnerability, only trying to obtain love of parents. Rivalry in fight for this love is inevitable.

Sometimes the jealousy takes the extreme forms, and sometimes masks so that it is not noticed. Both that, and another conceals in itself dangers. On the one hand, the aggressive manifestations connected with jealousy can be fixed in behavior of the child and strongly disturb it further in communication with peers. On the other hand, to hide the feelings, to exhaust them deep into to the jealous child too harmfully: it is unknown what bizzare shapes will be taken by this unrealized feeling later.

If among your children the pronounced jealous man is, it is necessary to try to analyse objectively who gets more real attention and warmth and who - has less. To try to counterbalance the attitude towards children in itself. And, at last, to watch closely external manifestations of the feelings.

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it is not excluded that for some time the attention to the pronounced jealous man can be even raised. Other child feeling more protected will forgive you some distance and will be satisfied with attention of other family members. But also in this case avoid extremes.

some joint activity - games, occupations, entertainments is Very important

for creation and strengthening of friendship between brothers and sisters. And it concerns not only to children of advanced age. For the baby everyday life of a family is “activity“ too. Therefore is not necessary, expecting appearance of the kid, to send the senior child to the grandmother and, the main thing, to leave it on first, the most difficult months for mother there. Better for some time till the birth of the second child to begin to drive the senior in kindergarten if to mother it is heavy with two. Children from one family have to live under the same roof, it helps their rapprochement and friendship. Of course, all family holidays, campaigns on the nature, in park, in a zoo, etc. have to be the general (if you have not eight children, as at Serzov). If parents believers, then all need to go to church together too.

here bikheyviorist (supporters of the behavioural theory in psychology) advise

A to resort to so-called corporal therapy: to put both children on knees, at the same time to embrace them, forming “a family circle“ in literal sense.

to

N and preparation of this material needed a lot of time: very not studied there was a subject. However the acquired knowledge helped, gave to confidence. And now the behavior of my little jealous woman considerably improved. However, council of bikheyviorist appeared it obviously not to liking. She persistently pushed away the brother, it was not succeeded to think up which yet - that another.

Grant

, it is possible to call it a kind of corporal therapy. It is called in our family “a general kissing“ and becomes so. At first children from two parties kiss mother, then mother with the son - the daughter, then mother with the daughter - the son and so on in any sequence, will not bother yet. Usually it in anybody does not cause a protest, and works especially umirotvoryayushche.

Other type of the joint activity available to such kids (two and four years) is when seniorsy shows younger pictures in books and according to the lights tells what on them is drawn, or asks on it.

Now the daughter agrees to play minutes ten with the father in the evenings, and it is enough to put to bed the son and to read him for the night. When it leaves with the father somewhere, the daughter anxiously asks where Vasya and when he cries, with a sympathizing look irons it on the head.

She did not become less jealous, just gradually began to understand that mother - one for two, and with it there`s nothing to be done.“ It is possible to receive mother in property“ only in turn, and in any way differently. Years in two she reconciled, at last, to that, as we read books in turn. At first to it - “Masha and a bear“ and “Moydodyr“, then to the son - Nosov`s stories and Dragoon.

But here at last happy time came. Children willingly together build lodges of cubes or pillows, climb sport center, and, above all - about pleasure listen to the same books. Until recently it were only Suteev`s fairy tales, and now “The kid and Carlson“.

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of the Daughter executed three years. It became more compliant and appeasable. Communication with it began to give more pleasures, than chagrin. Perhaps, test was not such difficult and quite surmountable.