Carefully: the shouting mummy!
Pavel Sanayev`s story read and re-read by me was the Cause for today`s article. And though the speech in it goes not about angry mummy, and about the mad grandmother, I somehow unwillingly, with a scratch, with deep unwillingness and feeling of the absolute need carried to myself some very unpleasant episodes of the book. Drew conclusions, so to speak. I will not quote and retell. The book is worth it to read it greedily, to cry, worry and reflect. About what? I do not know what you will think of, and here that came to my mind.
the child`s Look
Children perceive this world, the adults who are near them, care of themselves, words, acts at all not as we. Their look sometimes is opposite to ours. We are ready to throw the world, the life, the free time, intelligence to their legs. And they need very little: our love and... our quiet voice. In other words - that we did not shout at them...
We do not see ourselves from outside when we raise the voice on native creation of any age. We do not see fire of the eyes, the bent face flashing mad, the crooked fingers, the rage flowing from us a stream, we do not hear the terrible words and expressions which are thrown up ours by a charming mamsky mouth...
But us is seen by our child. Also sees us such: angry, shouting, diffident, terrible and bearing in themselves fear. These minutes he receives a fear charge for the rest of life of which he will “be long “washed“, get rid then itself, by means of psychologists and favourite people.
What is seen by us?
the creation which Contracted in a lump dreaming only of one: rather all this would end! The eyes filled with fear and tears...
Certainly, all of us see it. We see, but we change nothing. Why?
In - the first, because fear of the child... it gives pleasure. Unfortunately, quite so. Otherwise we would not do it. In due time, in the childhood, we received the portion of offenses and fear. Then, maturing and being catastrophically nedolyublenny, we burned, afraid again and again, fell, were mistaken, accumulating offenses and fears. The appeared child became object for draining of a negative, feeling of the power over a weak being. Alas.
Certainly, we do not do it specially. Certainly, we will be indignant, having heard the statement for the derived pleasure. But the Law of the Universe says (free treatment):“ The repeating life situations bring pleasure, otherwise they would not repeat“.
In - the second, it is heavy to change. To change a situation, it is necessary to take a detached view of himself, to be terrified, forgive itself, to accept itself, to fall in love with itself. I think, we can make it. Let`s roll? >
it is hard for p to Change itself, but it is possible
the First step. needs to see itself at the time of a shouting. Yes, this impartial being with the crooked fingers, except shudder nothing defiant. Saw? It is not necessary to add anything by this image, it and so rather unpleasant. And now: stop!
Second step. Accept yourself such what is. Do not accuse yourself at all. Do not look for justifications. Do not try to look for guilty of the environment. You such because at the moment you choose to be such. Let`s consider that till this moment you just did not know how to behave in a different way.
Third step. Now when you look at yourself, without being sorry and without accusing. When consciously removed emotions and soberly you look at a situation, it is a high time to ask a question: and why I, as a matter of fact, shout? Really acts of the most expensive being on light became the reason of my shouting? Who whose thoughts, acts, fears are the true reason of a shouting? Thought? Answered? Now my favourite question: why I shout? Or in other words: What do I try to obtain the present shouting? I only this way can change a situation? I consider this way as the most effective?
Fourth step. I Hope, you ceased to shout long ago, apologized to the kid or the teenager (the age is not important), answered questions and drew conclusions. Very important: do not swear yourself oaths and promises, do not take the raised obligations, do not try to be ideal mother. If all of you charge with it yourself, so did not forgive yourself. Alas. It is quite enough to see of himself from outside at the time of a shouting. You learn to stop yourself. It will turn out better each time. The shouting will just lose any meaning.the Opinion of the child
For the child of sense in your raised voice is not present
initially. He just does not understand why you suddenly from beloved, tender, kind mummy suddenly turned into the shrew. In most cases for the child the sense of your transformation is not clear. He not in forces (to a certain age) to look at the world through a prism of your fears and complexes. “Here I play, and here you begin to shout“, - the kid thinks, mentally addressing mother. That is you shout for yourself. And it is one more good reason with this business to tie.
I still. Ask the child about your shortcomings what in you is not pleasant to him why occurs here so that it is possible to make. You will hear very interesting things. Here, for example, phrase of my younger son Egor:“ Mummy, it is not necessary to apologize and say that you love me. You do not shout better“. After these words my illusory confidence that it is possible to shout a bit, and then to apologize, sharply reeled.Finally you tell
that at you not so? I not only am glad, I am happy that your child grows in the quiet situation filled with light and love that loud sounds in your house are heard not just seldom, and is very rare that the child has the right to vote, and you listen to it when it is dissatisfied with something. But, alas, in most cases it not so.
By the way, results of depression of voice just tremendous. You will begin to hear the child, to listen to it, and it to you. The world, rest and love will lodge in your house, and unless not it is called happiness?