Rus Articles Journal

What attracts husbands on the left?

rush Into a hairdressing salon the tear-stained lady. Having left in a huff, it falls in a chair: - Cut
, as at it!
- At whom? - the wondering master asks.
- At that for whom it exchanged me!!!

When the woman finds out that it is changed by the husband, responses happen the most different. Actually, all people are unique, and unconscious emotional responses too: one spouse can laugh at it, another - to be upset, the third - to strain... And someone from wives will not attach it significance at all. But the problem is in what our so-called “public unconscious“ sometimes literally imposes to people the “correct“ reactions to these or those “standard irritants“. Here at least - on change of the husband. To surrounding society to which there is a business to your private and family life, in principle all the same that you think about it. To it it is far more important that you reacted “by the standard rules“. Namely: in - the first, it is terrible to be upset, and in - the second, almost right there to accuse of it itself.

Because, it is worth opening various glossy (and not really glossy) magazines - practically everywhere it is still written:“ If the husband fooled around, so she did not create to him a variety, did not watch herself, refused to the spouse sex“ and so on and so forth. And implication everywhere one: itself is guilty.


In general created opinion that if the husband preferred other woman, then this other woman in something is better than the wife: prepares more tasty, cleans the house more purely, and is generally more attractive physically. Anyway it is considered that the fault for change of the husband entirely lies on the wife: a pier, she applied few forces for this purpose that to keep him from incorrectness. And when the husband everything is changes, his spouse has a sense of guilt: a pier, I did not make something or made not so, here and result.

Actually the reasons of change of the spouse lie much more deeply. Yes, the love triangle is created most often around himself by the man: but only whether the external reasons force it to build around themselves this design? At such triangle actually the mass of reefs. And defining are covered in structure of the identity of the man.

It is unconditional, there are husbands to whom it is important in what the wife goes before its light eyes whether fashionable it has a hairdress, whether it is made up, whether it is scented... These are generally men of demonstrative type of the personality. To them it is always important how the woman looks. And if the wife constantly is not at parade in its presence, such husband can really stretch to more well-groomed partner. But the trouble is that the demonstrative type differs in tendency to constant new impressions so in this case and the beautiful dressing gown will not rescue the wife from change. The husband will look at some time for the dressed up spouse, and then it needs something in principle another. And the poor woman in a fit of temper will also tell: “All your councils lie!“ And besides it will be disappointed that in vain spent money for a new dressing gown.

to the Isteroidny man new impressions, emotions, experiences are important

, - including sexual. And created not so much by a variety of one woman, how many different ladies. The only woman in principle will not be able to provide it to it how tried. In general, to tell in confidence, not sex, but that impression which it made is important for an isteroid in a bed. And if it already made this impression on some partner - means, just it is time to replace her with new.

At men with the demonstrative radical the long-term relations - it is rather an exception, than the rule. More often at their life there is a promiscuity in search of new impressions. However and it is hardly worth hanging up a label of “the flyer and the traitor“ on the isteroidny man. In - the first, unambiguous estimates almost always differ from reality, and in - the second, as we know, any personality consists of many radicals making her psychological portrait, and features of behavior and character of the specific husband are for certain described not only an isteroidnost. Therefore specifics specifically of his behavior will depend on what personally are available for it accentuation, at all it will not be obligatory to have by all means it a bit on the side all life.

of Spouses, strangely enough, cannot fool around with the dominating impulsive radical “in the standard understanding“. He lives usually by the principle “what I see, I sing“, and fools around generally because an opportunity turned up. This person literally will not forgive himself if the woman hints at desire of proximity, and he to it will not agree. Having refused such tempting offer, he will feel so as if he publicly trampled on the man`s essence, at least in own eyes. Therefore such man, having appeared alone with the making advances woman, will surely go to her an attack, without thinking that he is married, that the woman, maybe, at all also did not want... From here such people can have serious problems: charges of rape, hit in blackmail situations, and even just large quarrels with the wife: “fleeting adventures“ this man often also does not hide the. And it does not need any one woman “on the party“ for sexual contacts; for it all sense consists that change is something spontaneous and not predicted.

Very often men with such accentuation very respect the so-called “theory of a vysokoprimativnost“ which was not so long ago actively going to networks: a pier, a male Goma the sapiens is simply obliged to despise monogamy and to copulate with as it is possible a large number of females, and the stamp in the passport means nothing.

Strictly speaking, the stamp in itself in the passport indeed little means. It gains value when is put on purpose legally to designate already developed family, matrimonial relations at which are present some emotionally - psychological communications. And when the person, submitting to the impulsiveness, reflects by the principle “I am a male, here before me a female, I copulate with it, and change here at anything“, - hardly it “the second half“ will divide such approach to their marriage and a matrimony.

of Communication with other women at such man, as a result, short and superficial. They satisfy only it “a hunting samtsovy instinct“, - and notice, I specially quote these words. Because to justify all problems of the behavior with instincts - sorry, not scientifically. If you want to be called not just Goma, but also sapienses, - that respectively, have to direct your behavior not only instincts, but also at least basic moral rules, and already for the highest level of “sapiens“ - the intelligence, logic, a sensible pragmatism inherent in the person, but not a male.

again - should not forget

I that all structure of the identity of the person is not settled by one impulsive accentuation. And that, respectively, different men will behave all the same differently, and here will not give the general correspondence advice: it is necessary to study individually each personality, and already on the basis of this analysis to think over further strategy and steps.

Husbands - epileptoida to which it is not for nothing paid much attention in article about a love triangle in principle are inclined to constancy: but at the same time the spouse sometimes treat, as banal property. Yes, it is possible to tell that change of such man “per se“ most often does not threaten integrity of a family: because epileptoid, even getting the constant mistress, as a rule, does not plan to leave the wife. Happens, however, that it has a woman who, in his opinion, more corresponds to a role of his wife in its certain social status, - then, alas, divorce is very probable: but also such man will not want to leave the former spouse, and often continues to control her further private life.


Anyway, to the epileptoidny man for personal unconscious motives needs some kind of “character set of the successful person“ which in each society the, but “basic concepts“ it many years are already invariable: the car - the apartment - a good position - giving - the wife - the mistress. For such man concept of fidelity in general it is possible to be perceived very specifically: it can have available, for example, five mistresses, and it will be faithful to everyone. On extremely measure - will consider so. Because for it fidelity - these relations to interrupt constancy of the relations with each certain woman, lack of readiness: and that it still has relations with several other ladies - so it, from his point of view, the matter does not treat at all.

at the same time the epileptoidny man is, as a rule, very jealous

, and is ready to lock each of the hypothetical five mistresses within four walls that already it did not change it. And if that happens - unfortunate any troubles, first of which - deprivation of a material allowance fall upon the head (often very essential).

Here too I will remind

that the structure of the identity of the person is not settled by one accentuation, and the behavior of the specific man depends on the general combination of its personal features. Therefore here too the solution of all problems begins with diagnostics and the analysis of a situation, and only then it is possible to think over some strategy of the solution of this or that problematic issue.

the Man - the psikhastenik about whom in material about a love triangle it is told much too initially does not seek to change women at all as gloves. Just these women quite often pay attention to such men, being captivated their seeming indecision: and those it is often simple not to refuse to the lady forces. Such men grow up generally in families where the dominating mother imparts to the son “aprioristic respect for the woman in principle“. As a result the man absolutely naturally gives the handle to each lady who met to him, gives everyone flowers, takes everyone home. And our many women did not get used to such address therefore they regard his courtings as a sign of attention and the invitation if not in the REGISTRY OFFICE, then in a bed.

Psikhastenik usually long reflects before making the proposal. As the option is an indirect sign that, so to say, not everything finally suits it in future wife: and the speech, as a rule, goes not about her appearance at all. Often the relations with such men “hang“: and the potential spouse sometimes involuntarily pressures the groom, - the benefit from psikhastenik as sometimes it seems, in general it is possible “to walk all over“, especially by youth. It is sometimes simpler to it to agree, than to argue and explain why it cannot.

But if to take away such man in the REGISTRY OFFICE under pressure - that he will become a husband, being psychologically to it not ready. At once he will hardly begin to get divorced - it is too the essential decision which it does not accept quickly and pressure of the young wife most likely is still strong, - but “the spare airfield“ for rest from the family which is violently established with it will look for quickly enough. And this “airfield“ is just necessary to it not for a new family, and for periodic meetings: not so much for the sake of sex, how many for restoration of psychological balance. If you want, the mistress without wife can be not necessary to such man at all.

If this mistress everything is will provoke it to divorce and marriage with it - that the scenario easily can repeat, only the mistress will appear already as the spouse pressing on the man, and some other woman - as “the mistress rescuing it“. Often in such families besides a love triangle there is also so-called “Karpman`s triangle“ with three tops: The savior is the Persecutor - the Victim. Roles in such triangle are inclined to change that in addition leads to the essential conflicts.

By the way, often the wife and the man`s mistress - a psikhastenik, especially when one learns another about existence, anyway demand “to make at last the decision“: a pier whom it all - chooses. And both women anyway know that this man in principle hardly makes decisions: means, it seems, not a sin it and to push? Only in this situation, as it was already told above, they are necessary to the man both at the same time. Or any of them separately. And considering that entirely it, alas, accepts neither that, nor another, - or he communicates with both, or with one. At the same time he suffers from such life serious sense of guilt, tries to make these “amends“ constantly. It is as a result felt to both ladies obliged and, unlike an epileptoid, perceives not both of them ““, but himself - some kind of “servant of two misters“.

But here that case when the direct pressure upon the man it is possible not to bend it and to break, - and it will really resolve this situation, having cut the Gordian knot and having left both ladies at the same time.

it is unconditional, again - the identity of the specific man, even having psikhastenichesky accentuation, not by one this accentuation it is described. And again I can repeat that for search of concrete exits the detailed analysis of concrete situations and specific persons of its participants is also first necessary.

However specifics of the identity of the man - not always the basic fact causing change. Most often formation of “a love triangle“, especially in couples with an experience, happens also because spouses during joint life gradually moved away from each other psychologically, and change - only a marker of the come alienation.

In this case, actually, about what change it is possible to speak? Spouses already practically began to live in itself as if neighbors in a communal flat. Whether fearing divorce procedures, whether being afraid to remain alone, whether for the ridiculous reason “for the sake of children“, whether without wishing to be divided the acquired property, whether by a habit - but they do not wish to get divorced, preferring to keep the matrimonial relations only on paper: sometimes without recognizing that became strangers, and sometimes and just without noticing it. And how it is possible to reproach the husband that he is not loyal to the actual flatmate? It has the life, the women - can be, he the first understood and allowed that, as the wife can have men because really for a long time everyone exists in itself.

it is senseless to p to accuse Of the incident both the husband, and the wife: not fault and besides trouble both that at them became over time less a common ground. Throughout life people change, become others of their desire, requirement, tastes and habits. And if spouses do not want or cannot monitor these psychological changes in each other, then just and their soobshchnost - everything that connected them including in the intimate plan is lost over time. And the change happening as a result most often is based on love and affection of the husband for other woman: but in this case not because it “it is abstract better“ wives but because it to it not others, she understands and accepts it, he feels mutual understanding and reaches for such understanding.

at the end usually readers wait for the answer from

to the main issue: what to do?

If you do not want

in your marriage of changes, be not limited to popular councils from the journal headings “That the Husband Did Not Change“. Because all husbands, as well as all wives, very different, and concrete answers to a question, “what attracts to change“ your spouse, alas, it is impossible to find in popularly - a journal heading. Here it is necessary to study a situation, to analyze, and it is possible which - where to accept a certain sort “preventive measures“ in that direction which will save your concrete family center from changes.

A if you for any of several reasons found out that you became the direct participant of “a love triangle“, first of all try not to accept (and not to carry out) hasty decisions. Those emotional reactions which gives your unconscious at once, - not always the most adequate: especially if the situation was for you unexpected. Emotional decisions and categorical conclusions practically never lead to effective permission of a problem situation. By the way, to look for guilty of change - not a productivny decision. Much more productively - to understand: what specifically occurred as now personally to you with the smallest losses to get out of this triangle, and the most important - where to leave.

Me is often asked whether I can as the psychotherapist to help with the solution of problems of this sort? Certainly, - but if the client or the client is ready to work in cooperation with me on the analysis of own situation, to understand what from where undertook and how to get out of this situation, and besides - where to leave? Because I can as the consultant to help to understand all this and to give the client various information on this or that perspective including about his own unconscious; but to change a situation - let and with my essential support and the help - only you can, and total to accept the decision only to you.

Sometimes both spouses after the same situation of change address me, with the order “Help us to keep our relations“. Here I will correct at once what to keep those, the last relations which for one reason or another led to change - probably all - is senseless. Here it will be required to help spouses to construct the new relations on other principles rather, - for what, by the way, often it is necessary to begin work with both separately, and then already if necessary to connect family psychotherapy or still some others, methods, effective for the solution of your problem. Yes, it is a way difficult, but if both have a desire to remain together, the probability - no is high, not to reanimate the last relations, and to establish a new, happy family: sometimes with the same person.