Maternal envy of
Douglas Copeland “Ickx`s Generation“
“... Mother never rejoices to my progress, on the contrary, comes to strong irritation, says that all the same it for a while. I buy a new thing, girlfriends and the husband approve, and mother claims that to me not to the person. What I made, it always “rejects“ everything...
“... In the childhood it seemed to me that mother does not love me. I too tall, excessively thin and clumsy, too constraining - the list of claims was infinite. Now, when I earn a living, it is still difficult to it to please: she is enraged by my career progress, a high salary, existence more than one admirer, an opportunity to go twice a year to prestigious resorts. The criticism stream in my address, apparently, will never run low...““I unsuccessfully try to understand
that moves mother when she tells my husband that to
that you never happened to hear similar revelations of girlfriends / relatives / acquaintances if you, of course, not from other planet. The above described situations - no other than manifestation of maternal envy. To progress of the daughter, her family happiness, beautiful appearance, more appeasable character. And let does not go in that the native person who presented life is capable of one of mortal sins, the fact remains. At some moment the maternal instinct capitulates, it is succeeded by other feeling - not less ancient and, alas, so strong. Especially, if life of the mother was not in the serene May afternoon, and neither on the personal front, nor on professional special victories do not appear.
Should not try to close eyes to the cruel truth and to claim that “it cannot be because cannot be in general“ and that mothers are not capable of it. Envy overcomes even gods - at least, the legend so says. And if inhabitants of heaven send diseases and tests in “award“ for simple human pleasures what to wait from terrestrial inhabitants for? “The person is weak“, - Thomas Mann recognized and admitted, therefore, “nothing human is alien to him“. And instead of acquiring complexes and to register in chronic unlucky persons with an introduction:“ Nobody ever will fall in love with me even if I irritate the mother“, let`s recognize at first what put in mother. So, on what signs “to calculate“ maternal envy?
“All have children as children, and I got a miracle in feathers“
First that needs strong - to be remembered firmly: maternal envy arises when the daughter stepped over a teenage boundary long ago and is capable to make actions which for maternal heart - as if a sharp knife though third-party contemplators find them successful. Indeed, well to what to envy when the daughter knee-high to a grasshopper? Unless to a notorious pot. Therefore venomous phrases are intended for ears of the created personality: will more painfully wound as the baby realizes their sense and “caliber“ of progress is more serious. Prick up the ears if regularly you observe performed by mother:
- sharp criticism. In an occasion and without. Censure is caused even by those acts with which you sincerely hoped to please it. And before crying in a pillow, lamenting “Mother does not understand me“, reflect - but whether envies? Keep in mind, envy is many-sided, does not shun in any ways - from a frontal attack before indirect manipulation. Example of a frontal attack: “Well what you are silly! Laid out half-salaries for trousers in which at you awfully thick bottom!“ And now indirect manipulation: “Today talked to the neigbour. Speaks: “Your Irochka recovered, was in breadth distributed. Perhaps it seemed to me, saw it in gray trousers recently - the girl with forms it at you“. Whether it is worth saying that the loving mother will bite off the head rather to the neigbour (if that fact in general took place), than will give the krovinochka in offense;
- compassionate speeches from the category:“ So much happiness did not fall to my lot, and here you were lucky“. Also continuation - unfairly is meant. Certainly, you are covered with the head by sense of guilt, you try to bring bright paints in the mother`s life, loading with presents her gifts and hammering the refrigerator with delicacies. But she only mournfully puts lips:“ Why you squander money? It is visible, you easily get them“. Also your tortures proceed, the complex of fault reaches the giant sizes, and the truth is simple: heart which is already occupied with envy is not capable to contain pleasure;
- discontent with your spouse. Usually this phenomenon is observed in families where mother during the best time was the beauty spoiled by adoration of the father and attention of men, and eventually turned into the former beauty, became a widow/widower and lost admirers. In the period of your youth mother aloud voiced doubts - whether somebody will take in marriage the girl “with a huge nose and a lopoukhost“? And when on a threshold there was a gentleman, she doubted his adequacy. Your happy matrimony for it became an apocalypse at all. But only the strong-willed personality can admit envy to the native baby, here you and should listen that could covet you (about a nose and a lopoukhost we remember) only “this loser / villain / ladies` man“. Other party of a medal: the mother endured painful parting with the husband, one raised the child, as a result became embittered on all this world. And as it is paradoxical, does not wish the better lot of the daughter;
- defiant refusal from your help. At first she calls and complains of a scanty salary, of price increase and an old fur coat and when you suggest at one stroke and to solve several large notes all problems, the following sounds: “No, thanks, is not necessary. I chose the teacher`s profession, here and I will live on this “handout“. But could give you a good education that you could work and receive a decent salary. As they say, “who what studied as...“ As a result you have a “terry“ neurosis and a complex of fault again;
- to put it mildly, cool attitude towards grandsons. According to mother, you or indulge children, or are engaged in them insufficiently. Anyway in communication with them she prefers to be limited to rare visits and gifts;
- desire “to discredit“ your image of the happy wife and mother in the opinion of acquaintances. On words of the mother`s friend that for you it is only possible to rejoice (good work the loving husband, nice kids), mother turns sour the person:“ Yes, there is only no happiness female. It seems to me, the husband changes it. Just she does not speak“.
- to strike the dearest person? In - the first, envy - feeling helpless, it is peculiar to people who lack own life. For this reason it overwhelms with women who to some extent feel own inferiority. And somehow to ego-trip, try to prolong dependence of the child.
It is no secret that the respectful attitude towards mother, her construction in a shrine rank is declared in all cultures and religions. Means, the daughter is obliged to take down any insinuations silently. And mother tests satisfaction at thought that so successful woman depends on her encouragement, pleases and is afraid to afflict.
one more reason Is: over the years the child demands more and more freedom, and the adult child has the right for independent swimming at all. But not each mother is ready to release to the child “reins“, to you here and fear to remain one, and fears for a krovinochka. For this reason, hardly the daughter will fill the cone on a course of life, the mother almost mischievously exclaims: “I warned!“ - say, you would not climb in a scorching heat. However if at the child everything develops with pleasure yes smoothly, it frankly depresses the mother - her influence weakens, almost do not need her (in her opinion).
to Accept anti-measures
How it seemed that we lifted absolutely terrible subject, the truth is as follows: only insignificant percent of women can tell that they have a loving mother. Psychologists assure that the problem of maternal envy is very extensive. Not to solve it the words “mother, stop to envy me“ because, in - the first, the mother does not admit “charge“, in - the second, the daughter to the last will look for the reasons of parental irritation in herself, without believing that mother could “be honored“ on it. Means, it is necessary to take measures not to put out to themselves and mother. Here it is necessary to be guided by the modified proverb:“ knows less - stronger I sleep“. In a word, not to suffer from maternal envy, it is necessary to give less for it occasions. Will help with it:
- Separate housing. Everything is reasonable: your progress, as well as the third suede bag during the season, not so hurt the eyes and heart.
- Saving “shelter“ of the income, reduction of true cost of purchases and trips.
- Total not discussion of your soulmate. You will speak of it badly - you will give to mother a reason for zloyazychya with neigbours and acquaintances, do not stint a praise - you will provoke a new attack of suffocating envy. If mother insists on this subject of conversation, be limited to the facts:“ At us everything is normal, Vasya slightly will be late - has to buy bread for dinner“.
- Ignoring of mother`s offensive remarks. Understand, desire to bite stronger it. She is just unfortunate weak woman, and put only in it, but not in your allegedly curve legs (according to her).
- Ability to accept it such what is. You should not start rough scenes and - la “the Hollywood drama“ with words: “You always envied me!“ It is that case when the patched-up peace is better than kind war. And any “dismantling“ will only deepen an abyss between you. And if one adult woman lacks wisdom to rejoice to progress of the daughter, then let other adult woman will have enough mind not to accuse her of it.
I, at last, if you were lucky to give birth to the daughter, use the best efforts once not to become the heroine of the article “I Envy the Daughter“...