The relations need to study
As we act, getting into a situation, new to ourselves? May we perceive again arising circumstances from a blank sheet? May we treat new conditions of game with all care and openness of the child who for the present has no experience? May we enter every time the new river? Usually - no.
Than are become more senior by us, especially our view of the events is blinkered around. New we perceive all through a prism of old, losing feeling of freshness and novelty. So the old age - during that instant when life ceases to bring surprises begins.
What is felt by the first-year student in the first months of study? It has no ideas that it “to be a student“ and as educational process in HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION is constructed. Therefore it, it is perfect that without realizing, repeats well-known to it behavior model - the school student and the teacher. He does not understand that on the student all to spit that more nobody behind it will run and put off knowledge. He does not know that the teacher at institute is any more not that strict teacher who can shame and call parents in school.
Therefore the first course becomes the most difficult - it is necessary to get used to new living conditions and training. It is necessary to learn most to bear responsibility for the preparation and to cease to hope for the sensitive management. It is necessary to cease to be afraid of the teacher and to learn to perceive him as person equal to whose direct duties include assistance to preparation. Now the teacher is in some obligation in relation to the pupil. All this needs to be realized and in time to be reconstructed.But to students it is simpler than
- always is to whom to prompt and to teach. Teachers, students of older years, parents - always nearby are those who already passed student`s school and understood what any first-year student is mistaken in. Therefore after the first session first-year students begin to spread slowly wings and to laugh at the former representations.
A what occurs when the young man and the woman enter the first for themselves the relation? Before them the widest field all ways are open for the choice and creativity - and everything is permitted. But what they choose? How they behave? Whether they realize responsibility of each made choice? Whether they at least realize an essence and sense of the made elections or they do not know that they create?Nothing they realize
and do not know... At best, young couples perceive the union as the field for experiments and try to find balance blindly, to the touch. But even then, the representations created and fixed by educational process do them a footboard - both on the full automatic machine try to realize the set of imaginations about the relations. They do not understand yet that the relations with the person of an opposite sex are a game which they need to learn to play from scratch.to prompt
I to them, usually, too there is nobody. Parents also it is not sick - that is understood that happens to their relations. Peers - especially know nothing. At institute questions of the relations do not study and do not teach. Psychologists which - that is known, but they are not in that position to preach to the right and on the left. Therefore, unlike students, young couples and remain for many years innocent naive first-year students.
Small technical retreat. Generalization - the useful tool which, however, should use carefully. Below in the text it will be a question of the typical man and the woman from a typical family where mother takes active part in education.
Unfortunately, in our society typical. Children in such families inevitably adopt parental behavior models and in full unaccountableness continue the same line of neurotic “typicalness“ in the independent life. Therefore, the generalization made within article quite appropriate.
But if you were lucky with a family more, and your parents could find full composure in the relations, this article not about you and not for you - your case belongs to the category of exceptions, and it is not a reason for dispute.
Today young people perceive the relations as a roulette - stake on a case, on a right choice of the partner. And if it is not lucky with the first, just look for the following with which, perhaps, now will carry. can So neglect everything and to allow the relations to develop, anyhow, or all - the healthy durable relations demand conscious efforts? Whatever the relations in a family were p>
, the first experience of communication with the woman for future man are his relations with mother. Often say that the man chooses the woman similar to mother, and so it also is. But it is necessary to add one very important detail which usually remains unaddressed to this supervision.
can So neglect everything and to allow the relations to develop, anyhow, or all - the healthy durable relations demand conscious efforts?
Whatever the relations in a family were p>
the Main similarity to mother which the man looks for in the women concerns not appearance, character and habits, but that feeling of safety and a pacification which he tested, being under maternal guardianship.
The matter is that the young man does not even guess that it is possible to treat the woman somehow differently. In the darlings he looks for only the improved version of the mother who will care for it, to cherish and preserve and with which, to all other, it is possible to indulge in sexual joys. In total, as they say, 33 pleasures. Between mother and the woman for it there is an equal-sign.This situation presence of the sister or a personal example of parents who could establish among themselves the real adult relations can smooth
, for example. Then the young man can get other basic experience and learn to see in the woman not only a maternal image. But such luck happens not often.
Result of such initial conditions turns out the fact that the relations with the woman develop on one general template which is easy for observing in a circle of the acquaintances. The most characteristic signs are a subordination of the man to the woman, dependence on it and fear of her discontent. It is shown already soon after acquaintance. And a bit later, when the relations already returned to stable normal, other characteristic problem - loss or considerable easing of sexual interest emerges from the man to the girlfriend.
the Man, without knowing other behavior models with the woman, unconsciously builds up the relationship so that to assign to it maternal functions. In order that the woman could ensure to the man required feeling of rest and safety, she has to be for it in a seniority position. And her man also pushes to it - delegates it powers, shifts to it responsibility, transfers it the right to make decisions and to give marks.
as a result, the man receives what he wanted. The woman assumes a role of senior and takes in hand the further management of the man. For it all this occurs also unconsciously. First it likes the fact that the man submits to her desires, and it seems that the relations develop in the best way. But later the woman begins to notice that the role of mother which it plays now deprives of her an opportunity to be a woman and demands from it considerable responsibility. And the man, sooner or later, understands that he was deprived of freedom and instead of “love“ to the girlfriend feels only fear and discontent now.
After this relation simply fall. Besides both are both the man, and the woman - cannot understand what in general occurred. The relations which began as the fairy tale, rotted through and failed directly in the eyes. And as both do not realize happening to them at all, it seems to them that they just chose not that person. Then they say goodbye and look for new couple in which they, however, will repeat exactly the same history.
Most of our men till the old age and continue to look for the loving mother in the woman. Lack of internal independence of the man is behind it. Instead of learning most to cope with with the sincere burdens, he goes in the habitual way and looks for the woman on whom they can be hung up. At the same time the man can direct bank or order army, but, coming back home, he still looks for a pacification in embraces of the woman - mothers.Such men all life hope to meet by
the woman who will agree to be for them at the same time mother and the mistress. And really they fall in love when see her readiness to combine these roles in the woman. But such relations have no future - or they, soon fall, or do the man and the woman absolutely unfortunate, attached to each other, beings.
Any woman will not reconcile to be mother for the man. Any man will never reconcile to loss of the freedom in exchange for a maternal consolation. They can only take refuge in self-deception, convincing themselves and each other that the relations such and have to be that the true love such is and is that safety and a mutual consolation are more important than happiness. And this self-deception impregnated the majority of modern families.
Neglecting these questions, the man inevitably dooms the relations with women to bitter failure. Continuing to look for the gentle understanding mother in each woman, the man refuses to mature and with own hand loses the most valuable - freedom.
the Female view of the man
Any woman wants to be weak and at the same time seeks to subordinate herself the man. Formation of female views of the relations with an opposite sex happens differently, than man`s. The woman to a lesser extent adopts model of the relations with the father - much more she is subordinated to outlook of the women surrounding it.
If mother learned to treat the husband with all respect and found the happiness in quiet acceptance of man`s will, then and her daughter in the future relations will be rather wise not to mount the man upon a neck. But this that rare exception, which, perhaps, one - two on one thousand. In the majority of cases, it is possible to observe absolutely other situation when mother and other women who are near the girl follow the slaveholding installation “The Man Is Created for the Woman“ and impart it to the child.
For some unclear reason was moved to be considered that the man has to care for the woman. Exactly here it is so abstract - any man about any woman. And the fact that he has to care for the wife and mother especially diligent is still added to it. This principle is not even discussed - it was pressed in a genetic code of our society for a long time. The man has to the woman - here the base of a female view of the relations with an opposite sex.
all means are used. It is very convenient to women to play from himself the weaker sex, allowing stronger men to undertake the solution of all problems. But at the same time, each woman wants that the strong man granted her desires and followed her decisions, and undertook responsibility for all consequences.
of the Woman bring up the men so that they resignedly granted their desires, and with enthusiasm share with each other cunnings of a manipulation. And then, coming to the psychologist, they also complain of male disobedience and that men (goats) do not guess that women want and that they for some reason should explain everything. The female arrogance in this plane happens truly boundless.
of the Woman want to own the man completely - his will, his body, his desires and his soul. To own individually and for the rest of life until the death separates them. Such utilitarian approach to the man is not advertized, but also does not disappear as it turned into the general norm long ago and more does not hurt the eyes the absurdity any more.
Look through women`s magazines, look at television shows - everywhere same. It is considered that the woman has the right to receive the benefits from men already for the one beautiful eyes. Even not for sex that a droplet would be more fair, and just like that - because the man has to be a knight, and the knight has to serve the woman.
On this soil also education of girls happens. And if it does not find a denial in a family to general social madness, then it remains nothing else as to obey to it. And she shows to the first boyfriend the long list of the fact that it has to it for one right be somewhere nearby.Should be told
, as the man enters the relations with the set of ideas that the woman has to it, but the big problem for men everything is in search of maternal lines. Besides, society initially trains men for service to women, encouraging in them pseudo - knightly lines. So, young women are hit men in the hands already in a semi-ready state - it is necessary only to warm.
without understanding absurdity of current situation, the girl blindly and without any ulterior motive adopts a view of the man, as on the performer of the desires. Therefore when the time of the first vlyublennost comes, it already deeply gets stuck in the general track of female delusions - she waits from the fans of service and worship.
In practice it looks simply. Not necessarily everything is reduced to banal fulfillment of desires. Women act more thinly - they seek to change the man under themselves so that he is farther already itself understood as when it is necessary to do that already without any further management the man himself did what is wanted by the woman. And this education is made under a love banner - “If you love, change for the sake of me“.
A when the careless man does not want to give in to training in any way, women take offense, arrange hysterics, complain to mothers, press on pity and use all available levers of pressure and a manipulation without analysis. And it too without any ulterior motive because they are sincerely convinced that and it is necessary to work because the disobedient man is only some anomaly which needs to be corrected.
turns out in Such here way that in the majority of young couples the woman begins to boss soon. The man looks for mother in the woman and itself gives the power in her charge, and the woman with pleasure and enthusiasm undertakes education and the management of the man in implementation of the imaginations about happy family life.
Where is given by such mutual madness, it is not necessary to tell - just look around. And if among your acquaintances there are couples in which the man really (and not nominally) occupies a role of the senior and does not hang up the infantility on the woman, and she, in turn, does not try to run ahead of the engine, you were lucky - study at them.
of the Relation as cooperation
we Come back by the beginning of the narration. The relations - one of the most important areas of human life, but very few people think of the fact that the relations need to study. It is considered that training in this question happens by itself in communication with peers and on a living example of surrounding people. But the result of such self-education is no good.
It is fine if the first failure in the relations with an opposite sex was enough to realize the mistakes and to correct the behavior models, but it does not occur - usually men and women till the old age and go around. Instead of understanding itself, they just look for other person who will suit them, and in the relations with whom it will not be necessary to make any efforts.All want
that the fairy tale itself came to them to the house. Women in the boudoirs dream of the knight - the deliverer, without realizing that to the normal man their whims and requirements quickly will rise across a throat. And men arrange knightly tournaments and look for the woman who will estimate their rustic daring, will accept, will fall in love and will console.
of the Woman is not known and do not understand men - but they want that the man understood them, and consider that it will be enough for the normal relations. Does not interest women that is wanted by the man, or they are satisfied with simple answers, that to the man of Nonly sex is fished. And in the same way women do not think of what in them is such good that the man of their dream devoted them the life. Here where egoism of the highest test.it is not better than
I of the man - they in the same way understand nothing in women, and therefore are easily conducted on all manipulations if only to satisfy superficial female whims and to snatch a piece of that warmth which only mother could give earlier.
without thinking of what actually directs the woman and what she actually wants, the man, in all the simplicity, follows her stated desires. He does not understand that the woman also will begin to hate it for its submission. Allowing to manipulate itself (as if for love), the man does the woman unfortunate and leads the relations up a blind alley. He acts as the child who needs to behave well that mother loved it.
I until the relations are got just for the hell of it, for joint entertainment, nothing will change. Entertainment has to entertain - in it there is no place to conscious efforts. And meanwhile, the relations demand big internal work - happiness for free just does not happen.
to the Man needs purposefully to learn to see in the woman the woman - a being of an opposite sex, reflection of own soul, but not the next embodiment of a maternal image.
the Woman can be for the man the best friend, the assistant and the inspirer if to allow it to reveal in this direction. Only and del - it is necessary to cease to hang up the snivels on the woman and to find in itself enough hardness to defend the man`s freedom and independence.
But so wants to relax and derive pleasure, huh? Here is how time through it and it is necessary to step. In the adult relations of pleasures it is much more, it is necessary to refuse the children`s habits only.
A to the woman, in turn, needs to learn to moderate the arrogance and to see in the man not of the performer of the desires, not the defender from all troubles and adversities, and the independent person near whom it will be interesting to live the life.
If to give to the man freedom and to respect his right for self-determination, he out of gratitude and reciprocal respect will grant all desires of the woman. Men, in general, not of the swine - you treat them properly, and they will answer the same. But the man owes nothing to the woman, and the woman is not weaker than the man at all to apply for some privileges. We are different, but we are equal.If the woman is rather wise
to help the man to mature, she will receive those relations of which she did not dream. But for this purpose she needs to learn to be a woman - not mother, not the empress sea, and the woman - the man`s companion. Otherwise, it is possible to wait all life of the prince.
Near us is always that person whom we are worthy. And if for some reason it seems that we are worthy bigger, then probably we finally to ourselves shucked. The relations can be the soil for cultivation of each other or turn into a compost pit where both souls only wither and decay. To choose to you.