Rus Articles Journal

The love triangle of

Is in human relationship such situations and problems which are actual practically always. And a love triangle - one of such subjects.

about it me is often asked - what to do in such situation? And the situation happens different, despite external schematic similarity, and answers to the question “what to do“ (and by the way to whom to do because participants here whole three) - too will be different.

U me on the website already, “loving married“, and of the men inclined to bring mistresses, - but all this does not give an exact idea of all situation. In the same way as, describing an ear or a forward leg of an elephant, it is difficult to gain an impression about an elephant entirely.

Therefore it is more logical to p to analyze precisely a situation “three persons and the social environment surrounding them“. Alas, the society, especially actual, anyway always influences emergence of “triangle“, duration of the relations in it, etc. Here still I will note that gender distinctions in behavior of “homo sapiens“ are generally formed by society too: yes at least at the level of notorious “the man has to“, “the woman has to“. Emotional experiences at participants of both floors differ only owing to features of structure of the personality; and here gender reactions are often caused by so-called public unconscious.

But in the beginning let`s “decide by

on definitions“. What is a love triangle in general?

the Majority for certain will answer

: this is the husband, the wife and the mistress. Here an example of gender influence even on definition. Will be to tell so far more precisely: the love triangle is a situation at which one of spouses, intimate partners, members of a married couple (regardless of their floor) has a lover / mistress.

In this article I consciously output for borders the analysis of problems of the “triangle“ arising in same-sex couple (any floor) at inclusion in it of the same third participant or an opposite sex. It is the group of problems, and, alas, if we speak not so much about the triangle how many about influence on it of surrounding society - in this context in general it is difficult to analyze a perspective of such couples. Because the society puts very specific ambiguous pressure here, and it is already a subject of a separate lot of work.

Thus area of our interest at the moment - two classical schemes:“ the husband - the wife - the lover of the wife “and“ the husband - the wife - the husband`s mistress“. A so-called standard triangle in two forms.

the Situation “the husband - the wife - the wife`s lover“ - much less extended. It can exist on average so much while does not learn spouses about it. And then the conflict, as a rule, promptly develops, sometimes to a complete disaster. And by the way, here it is difficult to speak about a triangle fully: as a rule, there is no third “communication“. It is simpler to present this situation on a straight line: two extreme points - the husband and the lover, and between them - the wife. The husband with the lover, as a rule, do not communicate: and if suddenly it is necessary them, then this communication most often develops into criminal actions.

of the Situation in which the husband knows everything and suffers (as on “gender concepts“ he cannot enjoy it in any way) - in our society practically does not happen. Besides because society provokes since the childhood, - “the man has to protect the property“. Between you and me, do not treat such husband the wife as to property - it, maybe, and the lover would not be necessary. But it is again already several other history and other perspective.

As soon as an actual environment learns

about a situation of such triangle, on the husband pressure begins. Feel sorry for him, laugh at him, to it give advice, - generally, try to express differently the relation to this situation. And also put pressure also on the wife: that it supposedly such - syaky, broke sanctity of the family center. But at the same time nobody thinks of that why such situation arose what provoked it and also how now to solve it by socially acceptable methods? Alas, it is too difficult for some, - and why if there are “basic moral concepts“.

as a result both the husband, and the wife, especially if both anyway depend on opinion of society, begin to make emotionally inadequate acts under such pressure, and the situation gets confused even more. And sharpness and morbidity of feelings of each of participants only amplify.

the Return deal - “the husband - the wife - the husband`s mistress“ - on the contrary, can last for years and decades.

the Essence that society as if approves and supports by

such triangle, despite all talk on family values: because there is an opinion that the family a family, and “all men by the nature of a poligamna and the mistress, is simply necessary for at least one, solid man“. Thus, the one who can consider himself as “the solid man“ only under the decree of society and on his concepts - sometimes does not want, and will bring the mistress because it “is necessary“.

In such triangle, as a rule, besides three corners also three communications are available. When between the wife and the mistress there is this or that communication - the triangle finally becomes isolated. And here a backbone element - it is unconditional, the husband.

we Will consider two most often found options: the husband - Grounded (epileptoid) on the leading personal accentuation and the husband - Doubting (psikhastenik).

Epileptoid . As a rule, the wife almost completely depends on such husband financially.“ The husbands grounded“, let at the unconscious level, quite often depend from notorious genderno - public stereotypes. Thus there is the following deal: the wife for it - conditionally speaking, household appliances, and the mistress (most often demonstrative) - ornament as expensive tie at a suit.

Such husband in most cases at all is also not going to get divorced from wife: both women answer its vital purposes, and a miscellaneous, and it needs them both. Why the wife who learned about the mistress will be able to achieve very little, approaching the spouse “at last to decide on the requirement, I or she“. He sincerely loves both, - the same as loves, for example, at the same time both the car, and the computer, without making the choice between them.

will be very unreasonable

of Charge of a double life in relation to such man: both the wife, and the mistress make part of his one integral life, just here such this life at it two-nuclear. Yes, he can sometime make to the mistress promises “by all means to divorce“, but often these promises are not kept: just because everything suits the man in such deal, and its purposes are realized most fully here. And it is simply uncomfortable and unprofitable to change something to it.

similar husbands often tell

In an office absolutely sincerely:“ I want that to both of them it was good“. And when we go deep into definition of concept “well“ - it becomes clear that the man understands as it generally worthy material security. While both women, often even to the detriment of this providing, wait that the man at last “will be defined“. It is clear, that the interests of both ladies which are absolutely crossed (and therefore here the conflict is obviously inevitable).

from

I in general in such triangle upon all suffer.

the mistress who for years and decades lives in “dream and hope“ Suffers from

. The wife who in most cases built his present wellbeing with the husband suffers, and now the most part of resources (both money, and attention if you want) leaves to some foreign woman. The wife often demands from the spouse “to be defined“ and when it does not occur - that either becomes reserved, or begins to act stealthily: to transfer to itself some material resources, to manipulate the spouse by means of children, etc. Anyway the wife begins to act against the husband and when at the same time the wish sounds “to keep a family“, it is necessary to say that families - as the general team, the tandem - here any more is practically not present.

the husband Suffers from

in such triangle also though, it seems, started all this for the sake of own benefit. It at least gets in a family of the hidden enemy (and considering that the wife of such husband most often too possesses some epileptoidny accentuation, this hostility can be rather deep and strong).

the Situation in which “a backbone element of a triangle“ - the spouse - a psikhastenik , it is not so rare too. And too it is not so simple, as usual it seems. The potential candidate for creation of such triangle - that man who once “left mummy“, but to which at the same time all - “firmness and need of family values“ on standard concepts hammered in unconscious.

of People with psikhastenichesky accentuation, especially with noncompensated, as a rule, seeks “to be for all good“, especially in youth. At first he tries to be the good groom, then the good husband and the father, - but most often for this reason in a family he is conducted and lives under continuous pressure of the spouse, continually being in all guilty. And very few people reflect that a certain indecision - not wine of this man, but his trouble: it still just cannot use the personal features to itself(himself) for the good. I often should begin work with such clients with a detailed statement of its unique personal features and how itself can turn these features on advantage.

But if the person of it does not know and considers himself as the “defective“ man, - that the first girl who “will understand it and will console“ in marriage, very risks to become his mistress. And a separate twist of fate - that on a character warehouse this girl can be very similar to his spouse over time. But meanwhile he will go to it and to have a rest from pressure of a lawful half, sometimes even daring to suffer and complain of life.

In general here has to note

that to stay small and weak, or as they say, “to walk the internal Child“, speak words E. Bern, - need of any person from time to time, even most “strong character“. But again - our society considers that “it is not allowed to men to be drivellers“, and most often the stronger sex about something is forbidden to worry as if. People acquire from it an array of problems, but often do not want to refuse these false installations: because without installations it is necessary to think in each separate case, and with installations all are as if simpler and more unambiguous. But also it is too, alas, other history.

we Will return to our triangle. So, the husband - a psikhastenik had a mistress. The wife quickly enough learns about it, as a rule... Also does not undertake any drastic measures: it had an additional lever to press on the husband “you bad“. The mistress in return tells each meeting to it what it is good. And the mistress in such triangle usually does not apply on any material values: to it the spiritual attention with which such man surrounds it fully is important. Because tenderness is saved, but where you will order to splash out it if own wife speaks “Do not bear you nonsenses, take out garbage as the real man better“?

This triangle is fraught with problems meaning that over time each of women begins to raise exclusive rights to this man. And both quite often come at the same time for direct dialogue, to be exact, on a direct showdown on the subject “whose cones in the wood“. And the man sometimes does not interfere with these disputes, and sometimes in general thinks that at last these ladies found on whom to splash out the aggression!. By the way, such man if reaches an office, then also speaks:“ I want that both of them were happy“. But now regarding as of paramount importance emotionally - the psychological relations. Without realizing that both women have crossed interests again that is already the soil for the conflict.

It is unconditional, everything listed are only quite rough and primitive schemes of those real problems and relations which arise in such triangles actually. As we know, - how many people - there are so much persons, and for a qualitative solution of the problem of a love triangle high-quality detailed diagnostics of all situation is necessary first of all. And rash following to behavioural stamps like “give up it“ or “suffer and keep a family“, alas, most often comes to an end it is deplorable: as, actually, any rash following to any stamps.

the solution of the problem of this or that triangle certainly begins

I with the detailed analysis of current situation in all its complexity and a multilevelness, and also personal structure of participants and specifics of their interaction. And not from a position “as it is correct“, and from a position of personal comfort of my client and in his interests. By the way, in my office is not present right and guilty: all participants of this or that conflict are right, but everyone, certainly, in own way.

during this work if necessary also emotional sharpness of perception of a problem is removed, these or those unconscious reactions come to light and analyzed. And only then we with the client - that participant of a problem who asked me for the help - begin to formulate ways of an exit already from a position of logical understanding and understanding of a situation. From such position it is much easier to make adequate decisions following the results of consultation, and also then to realize these decisions into real life.

In general a love triangle - a situation psychotherapeutic quite difficult: at least because it is brought usually in an office already developed, with the developed conflict and some mistakes made, as a rule, by each of three participants. But alas, again - in our society preventive measures are not popular; therefore, if you got into such situation and do not know how adequately and without loss to get out of it, - remember that it is too not your fault, but your trouble. And from any trouble generally - that is an exit, - the main thing that there was a desire to find it and readiness to put own forces in these searches. And I am in return ready to help each of participants of a problem to find personal and family happiness: can be, with some other person or maybe with the same, but already constructed on new, more effective and not always the standard principles.