Rus Articles Journal

Not the father, but the man of

If to trust statistics, in Russia is the share of each one thousand marriages nearly 800 stains - on this indicator we are high on the list in the world. It is clear, that numerous incomplete families become result. But how in this case the boy can learn what is the man? The psychologist Igor Pavlov argues on it .

When I worked as the psychologist in kindergarten, being the only man in this institution, I was never deprived of attention... no, not teachers, but children. And most of all I was worn out (in good sense of the word) the communication by boys from incomplete families. Whether they in me looked for replacement to the absent fathers or tried to compensate deficiency of man`s attention - a question of which I often thought those days.

the Filial instinct

Boys reach for men. They with interest watch unfamiliar adults and with big pleasure communicate with relatives or just familiar men - relatives and friends of the family, teachers and trainers. Especially this draft is noticeable at those boys who grow without fathers. At them as if some filial instinct wakes up: the boy looks for the object capable to satisfy his need for the father. I was such object once also. Near me boys received attention necessary for them, felt participation in man`s “tribe“, could entrust the boyish problems or complain of women - the persuasive mothers supersponsoring grandmothers and insensible teachers.

U someone from boys the need for a figure capable to replace the absent father, becomes more expressed, at someone with age - less. The first look for any opportunity to appear near the male adult. The second not so naporist, but also they as required will not miss chance to snip off a portion of man`s attention.

of 34% of boys call the father by a role model, but communication with the father satisfied 9%

Reality such is that today more and more children grow without fathers. It does not mean at all that they become problem - the scary word “fatherlessness“ which once as if a shameful brand, awarded children from incomplete families, now sounds as a past remnant. The advanced psychologists and teachers do not hurry to hang up on such children labels because there are scientific data inspiring optimism that most of children of incomplete families grow successful and psychologically healthy people.


But authentically knows also that many of these boys have an acute shortage of communication with a man`s half of mankind, especially if their links with the real fathers are finally broken, and the immediate family environment almost entirely consists of women.


For what to the boy needs the man?

Each boy looks for something special in communication with the man: an opportunity to have a rest from female guardianship, to satisfy need for attention and interest in the world of adults. But most of children, among other things, look for in men. In the 19th century the most great Danish philosopher Seren Kierkegaard wrote that the father is a mirror for the child. And, if the boy has no father, other man has to become such mirror for it, peering at whom, it will compare to it itself(himself), to estimate, how courageously looks itself and whether enough as a real man behaves.

there Will pass a little time, and any little boy from an incomplete family should master science of man`s behavior independently. The father who would direct his acts will not be near and set the tone for imitation. Therefore the boy attentively watches different men, looks for communication with them, seeks to resemble those from them who most meets its expectations of the ideal father.

A if the boy does not see a successful example in the immediate environment, it finds it in books, movies or computer games. And then the superhero, he such strong, courageous, resourceful, impregnable - generally, the real man becomes his “father“.

But almost all superheroes have one essential shortcoming. They will never be able to tell the boy about what to be a man is not only to save the world by means of the fantastic weapon or mystical abilities. To be a real man is first of all to be able to solve the problems without violence and cruelty, not to be afraid the of weakness and vulnerabilities, and at the same time to be capable to care for close people, without doing harm to others.“ Live“ man always mnogogranny any fictional character. It can show to the boy different behavior models in various situations, explain where and when it is necessary to behave so and where it is possible differently. Superheroes will hardly teach it.

How to become the

Some women decide on repeated marriage. As a result of their private life settles, and at the child, in principle, the father appears. However often the boy begins to protest against the new mother`s boyfriend in every possible way. It optional means as if the boy does not need communication with the male adult at all. Can move it absolutely other motives - jealousy and fear to lose mother`s love.

I to the applicant for the most intimate that the boy has, - attention of mother, it is necessary to pass tests children`s whims and tears, reproaches and hated views, silence and demonstrative ignoring.

not day and not two can be required by the Man to gain trust of the child and to disseminate his fears. Without haste and pressure, gradually he should join the boy`s life, without trying to take the place of his father immediately. Best of all for a start to become the man the child`s friend, to find with him a common language and only then to undertake some father`s duties.

Children, especially those from them which support communications with the real fathers or store memory of them, can negatively apprehend attempt of other man to take the place of their father. And, even if this man is pleasant to them, they are afraid that, having accepted it in the family and having called the father, will make treachery concerning the real fathers. Therefore mother should not try to compare the man with the real father: to say that it, unlike the father, and more kindly, and obespechenny, and more responsibly, etc. The result can be opposite.

to the Child it is very important to p to have a positive image of the real father, whatever person that was. Psychological researches show that children from incomplete families which had pleasant memories of the father develop more safely in comparison with those children who had a negative image of the father.

A if to the boy is not threatened by emergence in the house of the new father or the relation with it did not develop, then mother should take care of that someone from close people at least partially could satisfy need for the father. It is good if grandfathers, uncles are had “near at hand“, seniors to undertake etc. It is even better if they pay to the child attention. And it is just excellent if the child respects someone from them and loves.

Moustached nurses

also one more way to get to the child of a little man`s attention and communication - to write down it in some sports section or a circle where the trainer, the head is the man Is. In general in our education system there are catastrophically not enough men. Therefore if you find to the child of the male good teacher, consider, you found a treasure.

However, here the question arises: how to distinguish good from bad? Frightened of stories about the pedophiles and alcoholics who are active in kindergartens and schools under masks of athletes and “tinder funguses“, mothers cautiously treat the men paying much attention to other people`s children. “Really they have nothing to be engaged more except how to potter with children? And for such ridiculous salary?“ - the imagination draws an image of either the chronic loser, or psychologically unhealthy man. But, fortunately, the real enthusiasts believing in the business and who are trying to obtain great success in education of children still occur among teachers - men. Such teachers, trainers, heads of studios and circles are rather happy when they manage to make life of foreign child though it is a little better. Near them children feel not less happy.

However, of course, it does not mean that parents should not be on the lookout. Even the most reliable at first sight the person can have negative intentions into the account of the child. To distinguish the teacher - the sadist or the pedophile not so easily. As show researches, most of such people stand out nothing from the crowd, often are held in respect in society and have the status of law-abiding citizens.

Therefore it is much more reasonable not to try to teach to measure

by eye the child who is who, and to teach it to distinguish dangerous and safe situations. The child has to know precisely that the foreign man should not do: to come to it home when it is one, to invite to itself on a visit, to touch where it is not necessary etc.

I, it is as if banal sounded, it is important to be sensitive and attentive to the son, to have with it very close and confidential relations. Then it is possible to be sure that the son will not begin to hide from you what people surround him at school and beyond its limits that he thinks of them and what is necessary it in life without father.

What to esteem
  • Figdor G. Children of the divorced parents: between a trauma and hope. M.: Science, 1995
  • Figdor G. Troubles of divorce and way of their overcoming. M.: MPSI, 2006
  • Froyer Dzh. S. Zhutko loudly and incredibly close. M.: Eksmo, 2009
What to look
  • of “People without person“. The USA, 1993, cut. Mal Gibson
  • “Dear Frankie“. The USA, 2003, cut. Shauna Auerbak
  • “Triumph. Ronnie Clark`s history“. The USA, 2006, cut. Rand Haynes