How to go with the child shopping without tears and hysterics. Children`s “Buy part 1
!“ causes the whole storm of inexplicable emotions in adults. Parents are ready to call children beggars, greedy persons, unscrupulous squanderers even for a request to buy the trifle quite available to the family budget.
Or on the contrary, have such inexplicable sense of guilt before the child that are ready to run in the nearest shop behind absolutely unnecessary thing...
Why so many emotions cause this simple “buy“? Why so much pride sounds in a voice of parents who can tell: “My child never elicits“? Why mothers are sometimes ready to spank the kid, and sometimes - to buy anything, only that became silent? In a word, why children so desperately demand “buy“, and adults so persistently (and sometimes too desperately!) fight against these requirements?
Probably, both parents, and children feel that more important human problems about which children are not able to speak words yet are behind scenes near a counter. And desperate emotions concern not a so concrete bagatelle, but the relations between adults and children in a family or maybe the relations between adults...
by means of this article of mother and the father, the grandmother and the grandfather can try to deal with all gravity that is wanted by their children when they demand that to them something was bought. Having understood, the loving adults surely will understand the child and will teach him to express the feelings, to operate the desires and to use shops “for designated purpose“.
Five situations in which the child for certain will tell: “Buy!“
Are situations which involuntarily provoke the child to a request something to buy. This fact does not depend on quantity of toys of the house at the child or on that, it is full or is hungry. This fact does not characterize the child as greedy or the beggar. Just some situations force almost each child to tell: “Buy!“
- mother and the father came into a supermarket and long stand near shelves on which, directly at the level of the child`s hands, the small bags of sweets wrapped in nice wrappers lie; mother met by
- in shop the girlfriend and long talks to it among shelves, racks and counters; the child meets
- in shop of the friend who is joyfully holding just bought box with the designer;
- all family comes to shop to buy a gift to birthday, for example, to other child;
- in the presence of the kid a gift is received by other child moreover all adults around praise highly this other child and tell each other as It is pleasant to make to such good child such remarkable gifts etc.
“and t“ means that each family, situations when their child surely tells are for certain known to each mother and each father:“ Buy!“I am always internally adjusted by
Ya on fight when I go to big shop in which there is a department of toys, with the son. Yet never that, having come into shop, it did not tell was: “I will go to watch toys!“ I always speak to it: “Only to look?“ He speaks: “The word of honor, I will only look!“ And every time resorts with words: “Mummy, there such machine, it costs very little! You do not buy to me anything, only this small machine! Well, please!“ I just do not know what with it to do., It seems, and it is really possible and to buy the machine, but every time is impossible! Though with it do not go to shop!
It is valid whether it is worth provoking kids once again? If in a family situations when it is difficult for child to keep from a request are known, and for some reason this request will annoy parents whether it is necessary to get into such situations once again?
Sometimes we argue with the husband from - for the son. I say that to me is much quieter when the husband with the son take a walk while I run to shop. It will be much quicker and more pleasantly everything because we often quarrel in shops if the son begins to ask something. But the husband considers that the fact that we will not take him behind purchases not to solve a problem. He says that money needs to teach the child to know the account, to think not only of itself(himself), but also of others and to suffer if refuse to you. But unless the child will not learn all this in the future when he has pocket money or when he goes to shop? Or when will understand from where in general money undertakes, - he is only 4 years old!
to Cultivate in the child endurance - an important issue. However, cultivating endurance, it should be taken into account one vital law which the easiest to describe such simple formula.we Will imagine
that there is a child who has enough patience on X unpleasant circumstances. In a situation, difficult for itself(himself) it can try and suffer very much Y more circumstances. But if adults are too exacting also too much expect from it, then they can offer it not X + Y which it is ready to suffer, and moreover also Z! And these X + + Z child cannot take out Y any more! And it becomes “whimsical“ and “disobedient“!
of the Phrase which “do not work“ for advantage to the child
Every time, being going to shop, I begin to agree with the daughter in advance that I with myself will take it if it goes on those departments which are necessary to me, and will not elicit anything. And when I remind then her that we agreed, she begins to speak: “Well, mummy, well I did not know that here it will be! Oh, well please! The word of honor, I will ask nothing any more!“ Generally, all again on new...
to avoid excess requests and somehow to endure the period children`s “buy“, adults often try to appeal to conscience, rationality and responsibility of the child. Mothers and fathers tell phrases which very much upset the child, reminding him as far as he is still weak and cowardly.
Being upset, the child, nevertheless, sometimes cannot stop himself because really tests children`s weakness to abundance of interesting, beautiful and tasty new things. It turns out that, trying to cultivate mature quality of conscientiousness and will power in the child, adults sometimes involuntarily force it to feel unscrupulous and weak-willed.
These “artful“ phrases:
- “You promised that you will ask nothing how I will trust your word now?“
- “That you ache as the little girl! The healthy guy, but cannot suffer!“ “As you it is not a shame to
- , we came for a gift for your friend, really you are such greedy person that you cannot choose a gift, without having elicited anything for yourself!“ “Again “buy
- to you!“! You that - one in a family? Perhaps your brother wants too, but he is silent!“
- “The raised children do not ache in shop!“ “You will earn
- itself here, you will buy everything that to you will want!“
One cannot say that these phrases did not leave a mark in soul of the child. On the contrary, they very much impress and touch. And often they help adults: the shamed child really begins to ask less. Here only they do not help the child at all: the shame does not calm desire but only forces to hide it and to hesitate.Approach which it is worth avoiding
Many adult such situation is familiar to
: having endured once again scandal with the child concerning some purchase, mothers and fathers speak to themselves: everything, last time we followed his tastes, now we will be firm, and any senseless purchases!
I it is valid, having heard next “buy“, parents strictly speak: “Is not present!“ Also stick to this decision... minutes five. As a last resort - ten, depending on the loudness of desperate shout of their child.When the child suits to
a demonstrative hysterics, parental nerves do not maintain, and mothers with fathers (and also grandmothers with grandfathers) strictly speak: “Everything, it last time!!“ And... again buy to the shouting child the next machine (a chocolate, a bow, a cup, shnurochek etc.).I know
Ya that it is wrong, but I just do not maintain. The son begins to shout so loudly when I say “No!“. I already know it and every time I am adjusted - I will not pay attention. “Is not present!“ - and all. Then I begin to explain, then - to persuade. And he “increases loudness“ so, as does not hear what I tell it. People look back! Surely there is some “kind aunty“ who will tell: “Do not cry, mother will buy now!“ And some “angry aunty“ who will tell:“ As it is not a shame, I will take away you now and I will take away to the director of shop“ etc. The son shouts even more. It is a shame awfully. And I give up. Only let will become silent. Faugh, even from the story I begin to be nervous...Many children very well know
about indecision and bashfulness of the parents. They intuitively feel that the opinion of people around means to mother or the father much, and play on this quality of parents.
When we see that adults use weaknesses of other people for own benefit, we speak - they manipulate people around. Children do not know yet that it “to manipulate“, but intuitively they also do it, and at them it well turns out!
Children experiment with the abilities to influence people and to try to obtain the. It is important for their future life. However it is also important that they learned to achieve the objective not manipulations, but negotiations and belief. It is also important that they were able to accept objections and refusal.are harmful to
of Fluctuation of parents under the influence of manipulative behavior to the child - they fix in it skills of manipulations instead of developing more adult and mature ways of achievement of the purpose.on manipulation of children in public places adults for whom the opinion of people around, that is those mothers and fathers to whom it can be a shame before other people is very important The easiest give in to
How to find the “working“ phrases and actions
Parents differently cope with experiences concerning violent behavior of the children: one become too strict and “never indulge whims“ others are ready to apologize to the child, to promise purchases in the future, to appeal to prudence of the kid.to
However most often is helped by the simple rule: having heard the requirement “buy“ from the child, the adult should try to make for himself the decision:“ I want to buy it today and now or not“.
If mother or the father (the grandmother or the grandfather) decided that purchase is possible, - it is worth buying at once, without disputes and conditions if it is decided that purchase will not take place, - it is necessary to report honestly and firmly about it to the child and... to be going to sustain any hysterics.
However, experience shows that children in response to firm considered “no“ suit hysterics only the first several times until they are not sure that the father and mother are not going to change the decisions. Then children quickly get used to unambiguity of parental behavior.By the way, the fact that parents not only refuse resolutely, but also shop
at the request of the child too resolutely, without reproaches and conditions, very much helps children to transfer “injustice“ of refusals.
However the problem consists sometimes that children, emotionally and persistently expressing the interests, just do not let parents of time think and to make the decision. It turns out that adults become angry sometimes not only for the fact that children force them to do what they do not want, but also that they were taken unawares. And it means that fathers and mothers need to find an opportunity to give itself “a time - a miss“ for reflections.
Here five phrases which will help adults to ensure “minute of silence“:to
- “To me likes this doll too (the machine, a candy, a ship, the vacuum cleaner...) . Let`s pass on shop, and I will think whether we will be able to buy it today“.
- “It is an interesting thing, but I am not sure whether there will be enough at us money for all necessary purchases. Wait, I will count and I will solve, to buy or not“.
- “Yes, it is good piece, but in shop there are a lot of other good things that I do not know, to buy this or some another“. “Something I not really want to buy by
- it why it is pleasant to you? Tell, and I will think...“
I it is even absolutely frank:“I do not know
- , to buy to you it or not. Give me five minutes - I will think“. >
to Children (as, however, and to all other people) it is pleasant to li when are respectful to them. Serious, without sneers and reproaches, consideration of a request can be be sometimes more important for the child, than acquisition of a concrete thing.Once I tried to tell
to the daughter that what she asks, - quite nice thing, and I now while I go on shop, will think, to buy or not. It was talked of a short jacket with brilliant florets. While we went on shop, the daughter unceasingly chirped how it is fashionable to walk in such jackets now as beautifully it looks on her girlfriends, about what honor at all girls in a class such is... I did not object, shopped and already reconciled to the fact that it is necessary to buy this jacket, all have time: I do not want that my child felt defective. And the daughter suddenly told: “Generally I not really want to be as everything, maybe, we will find to me something more nice if you allow me something to buy?“ For me it was big surprise: I am sure that if I began to resist, she would begin to insist, and this jacket would be for certain bought and rolled at us in a case. And so - we that day to the daughter chose nothing (though I was ready for purchase and rejoiced that my girl made the reasonable decision). In several days we specially went for a new thing for it and found really nice thing, and it turned out that we have quite similar tastes.Children not always tell
“buy“, wishing to get a concrete thing. The reasons that the kid (and the child is more senior) begins to ask and even to demand are very different. For this reason sometimes, having even bought the child the required thing, adults do not meet desire of the child: he can continue to ask something else, or carelessly to address with “such desired“ a thing, or at all to begin to stamp legs and to shout that he at all and not it wanted.
Sometimes between me and my four-year-old son the situation of full misunderstanding arises. For example, we go for a walk, we meet someone, we talk, we play... Suddenly he begins to ask: “Let`s go to that shop, we will buy ice cream“. I speak: “Let`s buy ice cream in this booth (it closer)“. The son answers that it what he wants is not here. I ask: “And what you want?“ - “Chocolate“. I approach a booth, I buy chocolate ice cream, I give it. And suddenly he begins to stamp legs and to shout: “I do not want your ice cream!“ It can hit me on a hand, once even flung away ice cream. I then, of course, punished him. But did not understand that it means. But the main thing - these strange hysterics periodically repeat, and I am absolutely helpless: all this comes to an end with abuse and even slaps on a bottom though I understand that it is not a method.Unusual situations prompt
to adults that the child not always asks that he wants. And to find the most right approach to requirements of the child, the adult happens it is useful to understand and what is actually wanted by their child when he “wants“ to buy something.
To be continued