To grow up from the boy the man of
How to bring up boys? Someone will tell that to develop physical force, responsibility, firmness. But how then to be with boys sensitive and emotional? Whether it is possible to find balance between natural tenderness in relation to the child and the hardness necessary for character development? What to do if before eyes the child has no example of man`s behavior in the form of the father? And whether there were presently men who can serve as an example for boys?Of what they are made by
the Famous sexologist and the sociologist, the academician of the Russian Academy of Sciences, professor Igor Kohn in the new book “The Boy - the Man`s Father“, says that in many respects boys - “the forgotten children“, a weak link of modern education.
In detail analyzing all parties of boyish life, plunging into history, into traditions of education of men in different cultures, Igor Kohn tells parents, tutors, wives and girlfriends about that, “of what boys are made“.
Why boys deserve of much more close attention, than they have today? The author gives these researches of the Canadian specialists in youth problems. While Canada - one of the most safe countries, it was found out that:
- boys are responsible for 90% of the offenses connected with alcohol and drugs;
- four of five suspects of commission of crimes of minors are boys.
Partly these problems are caused by the nature of boys, their aspiration to risk and adventures, but partly - the wrong ideas of parents of how it is necessary to bring up boys and what to teach to. For example, many do not attach significance to whether the son is able to show emotions. On the contrary, the offenses and tears inside in every possible way learn to hide boys.
“According to habitual stereotypes, - Igor Kohn says, - the man has to be sustained, counterbalanced, impartial; unlike the woman, he is not able to afford to pokapriznichat and cry. Therefore development of the emotional reactions which are not corresponding to these installations actively is suppressed. In the majority of cultures, both modern, and ancient, crying is rigidly limited age (“Do not cry, you are already adult!“) and tender roles (“That you cry as the little girl!“ )“.
But modern researches prove that emotionality is closely connected with intelligence. Besides all of the known IQ there is an emotional intelligence (EI) on which vital success of the person, including his professional and career development in many respects depends. The emotional intelligence is an ability of the person to understand and feel emotions - as the, and strangers, and also an opportunity to operate them.
Today psychologists meet that emotional closeness of boys leads to psychological problems at them. Most sharply these problems stand at teenagers to whom emotional dumbness complicates self-disclosure and communication with peers. Aspiration always and everywhere to act from force position - one of the reasons of culture of violence, a drug addiction and unmotivated teenage cruelty. To avoid similar problems, professor Kohn advises, it is necessary to learn to distinguish and express from the earliest age of boys the feelings. For example, to tell the son: “You look sad“ or “It seems to me, you are disappointed with something“. The simple phrase “I was frightened, and you?“ can facilitate to the boy expression of own feelings. It is necessary to listen more to the child and to develop his emotional dictionary, especially in that, as for such emotions as fear and alarm.
- tell the son about the feelings more
- describe feelings of other people
- discuss feelings of other men
- use for research of feelings music, literature, cinema
- teach boys of emotional courage
- give to boys the chance to show care, to help at home and to neighbors, stimulate elder brothers to help younger
- do not forget to assess positively feelings of boys
- most important - do not feel sorry for time!
the Main mistakes
“What needs to teach children, - Igor Kohn writes, - misters chiefs know and as to do it - know professor of pedagogics... Sociologists, proceeding from a state of peace in which modern boys should live know better how boys should not be brought up. Therefore I dare to offer parents several councils. do not do
- of the boy “real man“. All real men different, counterfeit men - only those which pretend to be “presents“. Andrey Dmitriyevich Sakharov is also poorly similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Carmen - on mother - the heroine. Help the boy to choose that option of a maskulinnost which is closer to it and in which it will be more successful... do not bring up
- from it war and the defender of the fatherland. Historical destinies of the modern world which part is Russia are solved not on fields of battles, and in the sphere scientifically - technical and cultural achievements. If your boy grows up the worthy person and the citizen able to assert the rights and to carry out the related duties, he will cope also with protection of the fatherland. If he gets used to see a circle of enemies and to solve all disputes from force position, nothing, except troubles, in life shines him.
- do not bring up it the hunter, this profession got out of fashion for a long time. Nearly a half of all animal species is included in the Red List, and people hunters appear on a dock of the Hague tribunal sooner or later... you do not teach it to differ in
- from women. In - the first, it and so differs from them. In - the second, his “not little girl“ to be obligatory and rigid, even contrary to our will, peers will teach. Why to you to sing in this loud, but unvoiced chorus? Parents are unique and have to be soloists.
- you do not teach the boy to treat the woman from force position. The knight to be beautiful, but if your boy is in the relations with the woman not leading, and conducted or will face unfair competition from its party, it will become for him a trauma. It is more reasonable to see in “the woman in general“ the equal partner and the potential friend, and to build the relations with specific girls and women individually. do not try to form
- the son on own image and similarity. The Lord whose favourite creation often looks an evil caricature on his plan did not manage it even. For the parent much more important task - to help the boy to become by itself.
- do not force the boy to realize your unfulfilled dreams and illusions. You do not know what devils guard a footpath with which you once curtailed and whether there is it in general...
- do not try to represent from yourself the strict father or tender mother if these lines are not peculiar to you. In - the first, it is impossible to deceive the child. In - the second, it is influenced by not abstract “polorolevy model“, and individual properties of the parent, his moral example, as it concerns the son.
- do not trust the psychologists claiming that in incomplete families defective children grow up. This statement is actually incorrect, but works as the self-actualizing forecast.“ Incomplete families“ - not in what there is no father or mother and where there is no parental love.
- do not try to replace to the son society of peers, avoid confrontation with the boyish environment even if it is not pleasant to you. The only thing that you can and have to make, is to soften the inevitable injuries and difficulties connected with it. Against “bad companions“ the confidential atmosphere best of all helps with a family.
- do not abuse bans and, whenever possible, avoid confrontation with the boy. If on your party force, then on its party - time. The short-term prize can easily turn back long-term defeat. And if you break his will, both parties will be the loser.
- Never apply corporal punishments. The one who beats the child shows not the force, but weakness. The illusory pedagogical effect is completely blocked by long-term alienation and hostility.
- do not try to impose to the son a certain occupation and a profession. By then, when he will make the responsible choice, your preferences can morally and socially become outdated. The only way - since the early childhood to enrich interests of the child that it had as much as possible wide choice of options and opportunities.
- Not too hope for experience of ancestors. We badly know real history of daily occurrence, standard instructions and pedagogical practicians with each other never and anywhere coincided. Besides, living conditions changed, and some methods of education which were considered useful earlier (the same flogging), are unacceptable and inefficient today.