Adoption: already togetherthe Way of adoption of the child is difficult
. To make the decision, to process documents, to find the child is only the first part of a way. Then there comes the new milestone - a stage of mutual adaptation on which a lot of things depend.
For the child, as if it was small, from the moment of adoption the whole world changes. Now it will have the family, the house, toys, things, favourite corners. It will have people whom it is possible to call “mother“ and “father“, and, perhaps, brothers and sisters. He will have to adhere to a new daily routine, is another, unusual food so far. Generally, adoption is a certain watershed of life between “to“ and “later“. After the child gets to the house, new to it, it begins adaptation. How exactly it will pass, depends on the child`s psychotype. One children react to novelty the increased excitement, desire everything to touch, even to lick. Other children are inclined to get into the secluded town and from there to observe, practically without moving and leaving “shelter“ only if necessary.
is Told by Ekaterina, 27:“ When we were going to take away ours the Subject home (he then was 2,5 years old), decided to prepare his room according to the highest category. Having learned that the boy loves machines, we bought to him the most different: both big, and small, and cargo, and automobile. Even the bed linen was bought with bright racing “wheelbarrows“. In our opinion, it was the room of dream. But the Subject, having arrived home where so aspired, at first did not even want to come into the room, all pressed close to me. Then we together came there, but he only shy took the next car, was hammered into a corner and sat there quietly - quietly. Only in few weeks he completely accustomed and that after we cleaned part of toys and interior “features“ which so were pleasant to us, but probably were uncomfortable for the Subject“.
It is important that the house was well prepared for emergence in it the new family member. You remember, the kid who carried out part of the life in children`s home could face such objects as the elevator, the car, household appliances never. Happens so that children to
- and tell in advance. If you have time from the moment when chose the child before it appears at home, use it. Make a photo album in which you place photos of your car (“by it we will go with you home“), a view of the street directly behind a fence of children`s home, a view of the yard of your house, its some especially attractive corners (“on this swing you will shake“). As for the apartment, the photo gallery has to be as much as possible detailed: views of rooms, corridor, kitchen, toilet, bathroom. It is possible to take of close ups with the image of some most interesting objects and toys which wait for it. Surely photograph the family members who are living with you or often coming to the house and also a pet. It is good when the child can get acquainted in absentia with space and want to get to it. In this case alarms will be much less.
- Bring to the kid a toy. Let it will be a nice soft animal who will live with it in children`s home so far, and then will go home. Sometimes recommend to ask administration to give to the child some toy from orphanage, but it is possible only in case only your child feels affection for this toy. If the teddy bear is a favourite of several children, you should not take away it.
- Prepare the apartment. needs to make an apartment interior “facilitated“ that the kid had as little as possible reasons for alarms. Try to exclude pungent unfamiliar smells, to clean for a while some home decoration (for example, ethnic wall masks, figurines). Do not overload space with toys, there is enough of several initially. Also you should not do a corner or the room, and especially a berth of the child special, overloaded with various details and toys. The design in quiet tones is initially preferable.
- Think of the mode. Learn to what daily routine the kid got used in children`s home. Take an interest in features of the personal mode. Perhaps, he could not fall asleep in due time in any way, and then it was difficult for it to wake up. Bring closer house regime of the kid to the fact that at it was earlier, considering identity of the child.
- do not overload the kid emotionally. During first
2 - 3weeks limit visit of public places (theaters, exhibitions, the children`s centers), and also visit of your house by relatives and acquaintances. Let the child properly will accustom to space of the house, new to himself and the yard and will get acquainted only with the closest people.
- Find out preferences in food. Are products which the kid loves, and initially they can make a basis of his house diet. New (or prepared in a new way) you enter dishes smoothly and without excessive persistence. Gradually the child will get used to the food accepted in your family. The most important in the course of adaptation of the child is to be consecutive and not to hurry. Gradualness - the key to success. If the kid especially loves something (sweets, animated films, certain entertainments, toys), it is worth avoiding the principle “all and at once“. It is clear, that you feel sorry for the kid who was receiving less caress and entertainments, but the surplus pleasant can cause a boomerang effect in the form of satiation, a capriciousness, increase of alarm, mood swings.
we Get used to each other
Life of adoptive parents changes at all not less, the new little man, with the features, requirements and desires enters their family. The child is not at all “plasticine“ from which it is possible to stick together everything that you want, or to change it at own will. The reception kid is more senior, the it is more individual in him is shown. And sometimes it is necessary adoptive parents hardly. What stages of adaptation there pass the child and his adoptive parents?
Stage first.“ Acquaintance“.
Sometimes this stage call “honeymoon“, but it is right only regarding cases and for children 3 years are more senior. It is characterized by sharp and cardinal change of life both for the child, and for adults. Can last about one month.
That occurs at the child:
- accustoming to new space, a daily routine. In this process the pleasure and alarm arise at the same time that can make the child excessively excited, mobile;
- the child meets adoptive parents whom “mother“ and “father“ can at once begin to call that does not mean the arisen love, and only desire to fall in love. The child can prefer only one parent: mother (because got used to be among women) or the father (as effect of novelty). It is the temporary effect passing at wise, tactful behavior of the “denied“ parent; >
- to it it is difficult for li to process huge volumes of information. New there is too much and therefore the kid can confuse who mother and who the father, in large quantities time to ask again names, and also names of objects. It is explained not by bad memory or slowness, and an informative overload. Show patience;
- the behavior can be very changeable. The kid can seek to please adults, showing the behavior best (in his opinion). Even if it is unexpected for you, sometimes shocking, recognize from what the child thus wants to make to you pleasant. But sometimes the emotional reactions frightening adults (strong crying, refusal of food, a bad dream, sharp protest behavior) are shown. They testify to an emotional overload, to the difficulties connected with accustoming to new.
That occurs at parents:
- euphoria on the fact that the objectives (adoption) are achieved. Desire to warm the child, to give it everything that is necessary;
- effect of “shock from reality“. At this stage helplessness and uncertainty, especially in sluchayeusynovleniye can already be shown by a childless couple. At parents the ideal image of the child and their family was created. Parents, perhaps, would like to see “angel“, but in practice the behavior of the child is far from an ideal. It is necessary to have patience: the alarm is so shown, and in process of its reduction also negative manifestations will decrease. It is also necessary to consider that the child can not be able to show love, not to know that for this purpose it is necessary to embrace, kiss, smile. All this still should teach you him;
- conflict of desires. Adults represented earlier, life with the child what his desires will be met will be under construction how exactly. It can turn out that it is not necessary for the child, and something is necessary absolutely another what parents were not ready to. Here it is important to show flexibility and not to “cling“ to the image existing earlier.
at the first stage, it is just overflowed by waves of novelty and need to get used to new life. Adoptive parents, of course, very much want that process of mutual adaptation went easier and quicker, but it is better to leave these illusions as soon as possible and to be guided by reality, but not imaginations.
the Children adopted at infantile age pass adaptation stages too. You should not think that the child does not understand where he is and for him does not matter who looks after him. Kids notice changes in food, in the color scale surrounding them, in smells, in a situation. They react to changes in color of clothes and a smell of the person who is looking after him. If children after 9 months react to changes by behavior, then at babies somatic reaction is observed: there are problems with a dream, food, and also the periods of “inexplicable“ crying. What can help?
- needs to pay attention to a mimicry of the kid, intonation of a voice, gesture, i.e. to those manifestations by means of which the child tries to express the emotions.
- Show the child to the pediatrician to be convinced that with his health everything is all right as at an adaptation stage the kid can feel a physical indisposition. physical contact with the kid Is necessary for
- : it is necessary to carry it on hands, to iron, press to itself even if it seems inefficient.
- Learn about features of age and follow the general educational recommendations.
- Lean on own “system of support“: those people who can tell about the problems and who will be capable to listen to you kindly. (As well as blood) support is very necessary to adoptive parents.
Stage second.“ Return to the past“, or “regression“.the First impressions and euphoria already passed
, the stage of mutual accustoming, forming of the new scheme of life in a family begins. It can last during following
That occurs at the child:
- check of parents “on durability“. He is tired “to be good“ and shows behavior models which often are not pleasant to adults (can take and hide things; to fall on a floor, demanding something; almost to refuse food etc.) . Now it tries different behavior, as if drawing in detail borders between “well“ and “badly“. If parents understand what cannot be learned that it is bad“ without making it (sometimes more than once), then this process takes place quicker and more quietly. Trying “to change“ the child, to impose him the will, parents can achieve only a boomerang effect; at this stage are often observed by
- : fixing on purity, neatness or, on the contrary, dirt and slovenliness; feeling of helplessness or feeling of dependence; excessive concern in the health; the exaggerated complaints; hypersensibility; refusal of new; inexplicable attacks of rage, crying, fatigue or alarm, symptoms of a depression, etc. It is good when parents understand that it is temporary;
- regression to younger age. During this period it is possible to observe how the child lost those skills which he already had. The kid can worse begin to talk, “forget“ to go to a pot and is a spoon, etc. It can seek to play with younger children and “to boss“ over them. You should not worry, it is temporary regress, and at the sympathizing relation of adoptive parents everything will be restored and new skills will appear.
That occurs at parents:
- confusion and uncertainty both in correctness of the decision, and in an opportunity to bring up the child. Adults are lost, without knowing why the child behaves so badly. They begin to think that he does not love them and, perhaps, will not be able to fall in love. Adults are often not capable to consider features of age of the kid (that happens also in a case to the own children), including it the “little adult“ understanding everything, but for harm not the person interested to submit to rules;
- a despair and sense of guilt for feeling that they will not be able to fall in love with the child. The love to the adopted child is a gradual process which you should not hurry;
- attempt “to write off“ behavior of the child for bad heredity. Of course, it is an easy way of removal from itself of responsibility. Actually heredity in behavior of the child is not decisive factor. Much more important the education strategy applied by adults. But they begin “to work“ not at once as the child needs to remember and understand new requirements;
- identification of the difference in educational approaches at adults sometimes entering the conflict. This problem and for the families raising the own children. It is necessary to speak and agree about unity of approach in important points and to allow each of spouses to show identity in education, it gives the chance to intuitively apply tactics which will help to solve a problem.
Here is how Larisa, adoptive mother of little Seryozha describes this period:“ In the first year I had terrible minutes of despair. Did not offend Seryozha, but behaved with the last bit of strength. Only a year later I could fall in love really with it, without words to understand, feel his pain the heart“.
it is Very important to be during this period attentive to emotions of the child, and also to own. It is necessary to seek “to get to the truth“, to understand the reasons of behavior of the kid and own feelings about it. It is necessary to read literature on features of age of the child and pedagogical approaches to it which are uniform both for the family, and for adopted children. A difference only that the adopted child is in the period of adaptation and to it it is objectively more difficult.
About a successful completion of this stage can be judged by the fact that the child becomes more “operated“, it is possible to agree with it more often. Protest reactions arise less often and smaller intensity. The baby smiles more often and laughs, at it hundred ¬ the clever look novitsya. The kid, as adoptive parents speak, “blossoms“. Parents, seeing these changes, calm down and begin to feel more surely.
Stage third.“ Slow restoration“.
Lasts approximately within a year after appearance of the child in a family. At this stage the positive process which began at the end of the second stage successfully goes further. The kid becomes more active in knowledge new, submits to rules of a family more willingly, tries to participate in all household chores. Tension disappears, and the trust to adults comes to a new step. He already remembers antecedents less often, speaks about it without tension. The behavior becomes adequate to a situation. The kid restores skills and gathers new, becoming more and more independent. Parents are pleased by process of “blooming“ of the child and obvious return from their educational efforts.
Instead of the conclusion
“To give birth to the child and to become the foster mother - two big differences. Because to conceive in love, to take out, loving it already in a womb, to pass childbirth, to bring up, forto botitsya from the first days is one. And to fall in love with the child, unfortunate, thrown, lonely, others so that it became the family, is another. In the first case we are driven by an instinct. In the second is a big spiritual work, it is responsibility - absolutely other, than before the biological kid“, are words of Olga, adoptive mother
It is valid, to become adoptive parents is a heavy responsibility. Therefore it is necessary to begin this way with the “cold“ head and “hot“ heart. It is necessary to have courage not to lower hands at the moments when it is very difficult. It is necessary to believe in himself and the child. It is necessary to know much, but also to study much. Big flexibility is required to look for effective steps, without “breaking“ the kid, without adjusting him to an abstract ideal. It is necessary to be adjusted on to waiting from the child of gratitude that “did much good“ for him.Many problems which reasons adults look for in the fact of adoption and absence of consanguinity actually are fully characteristic
also of the families raising the own children. It is necessary to give itself time to fall in love with the reception kid. Love is what is not given at once. At first it is an impulse, then love, then the disappointment moment and if it is overcome, then the love comes. And to transfer Lyubov whom it, having received from you, will be able to carry by on life further.