Technology of assertive refusal
If you refuse to nobody, it does not mean yet that you act for the good. If you are not able to speak “no“, it will be easy to other people to force you to arrive as they want. There are situations at which refusal is more humane in relation to people around, than vain efforts to meet their desires. To learn to object firmly - an important stage in fight for independence of thinking and behavior, for firm following to the intentions.
Pyotr Vasilyevich Shemetov, Doctor of Economics, professor of department of management of Novosibirsk state university of economy and management.to Learn to object
firmly - an important stage in fight for independence of thinking and behavior, for firm following to the intentions.If you are not able to tell
“no“, it will be easy to other people to force you to arrive as they want. It is not just about a situation when you do not want the refusal to cause somebody trouble. There are situations at which refusal is more humane in relation to people around, than vain efforts to meet their desires.
- the First group is situations in which you precisely know that you will not be able to satisfy a request. Nevertheless, you agree, and then do not carry out it. So you bring the person who counted on you. You would not do it such harm if at once informed that its request will not be satisfied. the Second group of situations is usually connected by
- with the love relations deprived of reciprocity. If you are sympathized by the person who is not pleasant to you, and you meet him not to upset him with refusal, you inevitably cause it still big pain later when you are forced to tell the truth. You will deeply wound the person for more long time because right at the beginning did not manage to tell it “no“.
- the Third group of situations treats those cases when performance of a request involves violation of the law or can do somebody harm, and you do not want it.
, it does not mean yet that you act for the good. Eventually, both suffer: one - from the disappointed hopes, another - from feeling of helplessness and pangs of conscience, and subsequently also from sense of guilt.We will allocate to
two groups of situations when other person tries to induce you to make that not in your interests.
- you is asked to make something, to concede in something to help asking. to you offer
- “for your benefit“ that it is not necessary for you.
I in that and in other case needs to separate what is necessary for another, and that in your interests: “to draw personal line“.
Ability to tell “no“ has critical value for each person. It to the whole world he serves familiar:“ I am a personality. I have requirements, tastes, preferences which are so important, as well as yours. And I can stand for myself“. When you speak “no“, you designate limits of the sovereignty. Needs and needs of all other people for the world are behind the lines drawn by you. And inside - your own requirements and expectations.
One of the reasons that it is difficult for you to protect own interests can consist that your early decisions force you to put interests of other people on the first place, and to consider care of itself as egoism manifestation.Special problems with the word “no“ people with the broken self-assessment have
. They feel unworthy to fight back people around. They do not feel the borders of the having the right to establish “I“. They are afraid that, having told “no“, they will lose work or friends, and hope that they the complaisance will not anger people around.
meanwhile, the fact that you do not suit someone tells nothing about that, you are good or are bad, worthy love or not.
If in time not to limit “territorial integrity“ of the personality, impressions gradually collect that you are constantly used in the unclear purposes. Everyone can spend your time or press you in space. You spend the time and forces for the sake of those who do not give you instead of any pleasure.
In many cases simple “no“ or “does not have thanks,“ - everything that is necessary for establishment of personal borders. You are not obliged to explain anything. You do not have need to apologize. The refusal is simpler, the it is more convincing and more constructive. Your refusals said by kind, but quite confident tone will create feeling that you reject not the person but only his request. In other circumstances you can have a desire to speak in more detail.the Designation of Borders Equipment
the Realization of this equipment is enabled by
in three stages: you pay to the applicant tribute, define the position and draw a differentiating line. If you use all three components, you do not have need in response to a request to become angry or be let in explanations.
In most cases it is enough
- Pay to the applicant tribute. If you not really understand about what you are asked, ask again to learn in more detail. When you paid due consideration to a request, the applicant can be sure that he is understood correctly. If you are asked about an impracticable favor - thank for the fact that addressed you. If offer you that it is not necessary for you - thank for care:“ I am glad that you addressed me “or“ this remarkable offer“. Determine by
- the position (preferences, feelings, understanding of a situation). Define for yourself whether you will be able to make about what you are asked whether you want it and whether you will do. If you decided to refuse, then behave surely and structurally as far as you can. It is not necessary to apologize, belittle itself. Just let know what to you: “I was too tired towards evening“ “I am already connected by other obligations“ “On Friday it is absolutely impossible to meet“ “Now I will not be able to find in any way time“ “I am afraid that I can make nothing for you“ “I am not engaged in it, excuse“. Tell
- “no“. Surely and unambiguously refuse:“ There is no thanks,“ “Is not present, I do not want“ “Is not present, I will not be better“ “For me it does not approach“.
. However some people show persistence to achieve from you what they have no right to. They try to manipulate you, that is to play on your feelings:
- to cause your pity: “I very much will be upset... At me will be from - for you big troubles... I will commit suicide...“
- to address your vanity: “Such kind person as you cannot leave in trouble...“
- to address an unstable self-assessment: “What, was frightened?! If you do not drink, so the weakling!“ to blackmail with
- :“ If you do not make, I will not be on friendly terms with you“.
the Permanent Refusal Equipment
helps to Resist to the manipulator technology of permanent refusal. Unambiguously, accurately and laconically, using technology of carrying out borders, we formulate what we do not wish.
- Gratitude for trust, offer.
- Argument of refusal.
- Polite, but firm refusal. Further we listen to arguments asking (or offering), we repeat them that he understood that we hear it, and again we refuse.
- Listening and repetition of arguments of the opponent.
- Polite and firm refusal.
We do not allow to take away ourselves aside, we do not support collateral subjects as if the opposite side does not say them. We do not bring any arguments into the justification, we do not explain why we do not wish this or that.Unpleasant impression of refusal we seek to smooth
gratitude for the proposal made us even if we do not show to it interest. We divide positive intentions and the purposes of the opposite side; we agree with everything that is told us by other person if it is truthful or, at least, looks probable.
I only in one we continue to conduct the line: intelligibly we say about what we do not wish. You should not react to attempts of the opposite side to involve you in manipulation networks. It is reasonable to be limited to only one refusal and to exclude any statements humiliating the dignity of the opponent.We can refuse to
not only what is illegal, but also in those situations where we are not obliged to refuse where we have a choice. The last situations represent a special problem for many people: it is difficult to refuse for fear of condemnation, offense from asking. The irrational belief is the cornerstone of this fear:“ I am obliged to be good for all“.
Some additional technicians of refusal
- you Hold a pause. If you have problems with designation of the personal borders and automatically agree to any request, try to delay the answer for a start. Perhaps, you will manage to think over it more carefully if there is no pressure from outside. “I will call you in a weekend“ “I will let you know to the middle of day“ “It is possible, I will call back to you in five minutes?“.
- Show sympathy. If the partner begins to tell you about the difficulties, then, first of all, it is necessary to treat them with understanding, but no more than that, namely: “It is really serious problem, I understand“ or: “Yes, I am sorry that you have such difficulties“, - and on it it is resolute to stop. You are not obliged to help out anybody if you do not need it. It is possible to tell and so:“ Yes, badly business, but I hope, you by all means will find a way out“. do not touch
- with apologies. When you apologize for the refusal, you thereby, maybe, not intentionally, admit before yourself and before others that you do not feel having the right to stand for yourself. You tell literally the following: “Forgive me for the fact that my interests for me are closer than yours“. Excessive apologies of you as if invite others still slightly - slightly to pressure you - and you will give up.
- do not belittle yourself. There are people who define the personal borders, underestimating own opportunities.“ I too weak (stupid, clumsy, poor, frightened)“. By and large, “I do not want“ to speak better, than speak “I can not“. When you speak “I can not“, another, allegedly for your advantage, will begin to convince you that is not present, you such, you can. And then you should prove your insolvency. But if you speak “I do not want“, then to argue there is nothing. Be exact
- . Define precisely that you are ready to make and that you will not do:“ I am ready to help you to transfer furniture, but only not stack a thing“ “I can give a ride to you before work, but only if you are ready to a quarter of the ninth“.
- you Watch the intonations and gestures. Stand or sit in a pose, convenient for you. You look in the face to the interlocutor. You speak with confidence, at the top of the voice. Let your pose and your voice serve as additional confirmation of your confidence.
- Be careful of sense of guilt. Having told “no“, you can want to make something for this purpose to whom you just refused. Be convinced that your rush is not caused by sense of guilt. It is better not to connect itself by promises about which you will be sorry then.
Everyone has full authority to ask that it is necessary for it, to expect that you satisfy its request and to be upset if does not receive the desirable. You can make for it courtesy, but can refuse it if this is not about implementation of the law or your promises. At the same time you are not obliged to torment yourself with sense of guilt because are not obliged to be for all good.