Waiting for second
Once long ago posted my article about children`s whims on this website. Then in comments someone asked why I missed one of the main kinds of whims (or their reasons) - jealousy of brothers and sisters. Then I really could not tell anything about it, being mother of one child. Now I have their two (the girl of 6 and 1,5 years), and I can begin to argue on children`s jealousy, on how to try to avoid it and to lay the foundation of good relations between children.
So from what there is in the child this feeling with absolutely adult name - jealousy? It is elementary - its world, the whole world of the little man, only child, the center of the Universe on which all family members, all interests were closed, - all his life changes. And the stronger the kid felt as “center of the universe“, the longer it was protected, the more attention to it paid - the stronger he will feel the changes connected with appearance of the younger child.
the Place of child(children) in a family
I first, the most serious and the most disputable, perhaps, that I can recommend from the experience is not to do the firstborn by the center of the Universe. Not to be dissolved in it completely. Not to attach to itself tightly, not to sharpen all the life only under its conveniences, - generally, the whole heap “not“. It does not mean that it should not be loved, to caress, care and cherish, of course. But also himself, as well as other family members it is impossible to forget. All have to have the right for the desires and their execution. I often hear that mother speaks: “I cannot leave anywhere - the child does not release me“. Or: “We are engaged the whole day with it together - I cannot leave with anybody it“. “It cannot play one at all - only with me“.“ Only I will correctly organize day of the child, the others are not able, are lazy, do not cope“. I am almost sure that in case of appearance of one more child the firstborn will be jealous and fight for the “lawful“ rights. So it is better not to begin “to alienate“ urgently upon fast childbirth or the appeared baby the child from itself, delegating the rights for his education to the father or grandmothers, or the nurse (and they, obviously, will have the opinion on receptions and the purposes of education so the kid plus to a distance of mother will get an additional stress from change of a daily routine, the attitude towards himself and priorities). It is better not to create initially such model of a family where there is couple mother - the child where mother completely belongs to the child, and all others are present only as “scenery“. If you already had such model, then, maybe, it is worth trying to change accurately it before you begin to plan the following kid?the Child has to know
, on the one hand, that his opinion and desires are important and to them listen. But, on the other hand, as the others have desires. If mother was tired - she should have a rest, and you should not jump on her while it lies on a sofa. If the father has to work - it is not necessary to rustle. If the grandmother every day at three o`clock watches the soap opera - you should not demand to include a disk with animated cartoons at this particular time. But also if the child wants something - to him it is necessary to listen what nonsense his desire would not seem. I suspect that for the kid ours “to have a rest“ and “work“ the same nonsense as for us his desire is urgent to make a beads from makaronin, previously having painted them with gouache since he is simply not able to understand and estimate importance and need parental “hotelok“. >
So if the firstborn realizes himself part of a family, but not its center, then as to me sees (and as prompts the available experience), to it it will be simpler to p to accept also other (new) family members, on “the general bases“. It, of course, will be even simpler if the second kid is positioned at once not only as “your brother, you will play together“ or “the kid, he small so far - all for him“, and just as the second child, the sonny, the grandson, the brother (well or the daughter, the granddaughter, the sister). Appearance of the second child in principle is normal, and his place in a family is not subject to discussion. It will become the same part of a family as mother, the father or the first child. This has to be as it seems to me, naturally absolutely, without excessive nervousness apropos “as our senior will cope with parents“, “ah, jealousy“, “ah, the poor child, we should restrain him in something“, etc.
So, my opinion on what is correct:
- not to do the firstborn by the center of the Universe
- mutual respect in a family (both children, and adults) to
- initial equality of family members and the right for own desires
of Change in the firstborn`s life - waitingMe it seems to
that at the general tranquility of parents not so important, you send the senior, for example, to a garden in connection with expectation of the newborn. Either you take the nurse, or you change still something in his life. If not to reflex about it and not to feel guilty, then it will pass easily and will not contact appearance of the newborn. Ideally, of course, when everything goes according to in advance stipulated plan. I.e. if the senior (which still only) the child knew that he will go to a garden, - that will not be angry with the kid, “from - for whom“ it was handed over in “left-luggage office“. Or if waited for the third anniversary for resettlement in a new adult bed - will not suffer on the fact that “I was expelled, and my bed was given to this little one“. In this sense the idea of discussion or pronunciation is close to me to children of plans, let and long-term, with idea “you know more - less stresses“.
It is healthy if there is an experience, for example, of analysis with the child of his clothes or toys on “it“ and “what you grew up from“. Then, if the kid agrees that he grew up from this small group of things and toys, it is possible to summarize:“ Here, when still the kid will appear, he will be able to carry it (to play it)“. It in case you plan to use things of the senior for the kid. Though, probably, though something is used by all: beds, carriages, overalls, toys.
When to say to the child about why mother grows stout and how to arrive if mother badly feels, - these questions occupied me too... For the present there was not time to solve them. And when there came time “X“, everything appeared rather simply and passed successfully. In the first half of pregnancy when there are no visible changes yet, I began to mention just more often that “and here if we have the second kid...“ . I.e. we with the daughter simply “morally prepared“, got used to probability of emergence of it of “the second kid“ and accidentally pronounced some moments (with the same bed, for example). As a result gradually “if“ it was replaced on “when“, and the daughter began to wait for younger consciously. That the kid so far in mother`s stomach, she learned when the stomach size already became obviously “abnormal“, apprehended quietly and had very much fun when the baby pushed. I.e. both of us had fun, joking that babies all such - uneasy and noisy. As for health - I honestly did not try “to maintain reputation“, ceased to lift the daughter on hands (to be fair, it really was at that time tyazhelenky already), offering it it is simple to sit on my knees. If badly felt, and spoke (for example, could lie down, motivating refusal to play a ball feeling sick), without focusing attention to pregnancies. Well, all of us sometimes feel bad - happens.Me it seems to
that expectation of the second child by the daughter not especially affected perception of life - nothing specially from - for younger did not change (and that changed - went in the usual mode). We waited small together with the daughter, there were no surprises (“suddenly“ mother went to hospital, “mother will bring to you the brother!“) or soothing blendes (“the brother will be born, and you will play together“, “the little sister will be born, and then mother will be able to carry you on handles again“), or gloomy predictions (“and here the kid will appear, mother will be engaged in him - give learn to do everything!“ ) etc.
So, my opinion on what is correct: >
- confidence in naturalness of increase in a family
- it is accurate to p to bring the child to thought of fast emergence younger
- to avoid excessively reverent attitude to everything that is connected with the kid (excessive affection to “shevelyushka“, excessive complaints of mother to an indisposition, excessively responsible preparation of a dowry for the baby, etc.)
of Change in the firstborn`s life - after addition
So, mine now the oldest daughter apprehended a trip to maternity hospital for mother and the little sister, of course, as an adventure, but definitely not as something fatal or the event changing life.is farther than
mostly in her life of changes and was not - she slept not with us for a long time, and in the room with the grandfather, went to a garden long ago and with pleasure, the circle was one, but darling (it is one circle simpler to continue to drive in the presence of the baby, than on a set), in the summer the trip habitual already at the sea was not cancelled, and even doubled: the daughter went at first with the father, then with the aunt, on the dacha it went with the grandfather and the great-grandmother, without me earlier. So actually appearance of the baby especially did not destroy the habitual course of things.
Of course, some small household difficulties appeared: when the baby cried, I was unambiguously busy when small was put to bed, senior it was recommended not to rustle. But it was very conscious, and we reached compromise. Having put senior to draw in kitchen and having explained that as soon as the baby falls asleep, I will be at its full order, I could hope for silence. And in general, we even approached the senior daughter because of “maturity“ - we understood each other! And could even joke sometimes of that, “what monstrik our little one“. The daughter could occupy the baby for several minutes if I absolutely was tired, or there were urgent matters, and I, in turn, did not abuse her patience and always understood position, preserving toys itself also senior against impudent feeble efforts of the growing-up sister.
Of course, the main part of toys at children became the general (generally what younger is not able to be broken - to spoil), but there was also something, belonging only senior by the property right (gifts, favourite toys) or on age (the fact that for the kid early / dangerously / senselessly). For these things there has to be a place where younger is not able to climb - to our adult girl the grandfather especially for it made and hung up regiments, than she was proud incredibly.everything is farther than
according to the famous scenario: gifts - to both, gifts - to both, it is right - equal. Though, of course, at everyone it is right “slightly - slightly more exactly“. Younger escapes punishment owing to age more (for example if she spits out food in a plate or will overturn a cup with milk, it is one and if senior... well, I very much will be surprised). On the other hand, at senior in something it is right more - for example, to watch animated cartoons, to play on the computer, to eat a candy, to go on a visit to friends or to circus... Now I surely dress on walk younger, and senior I help only as necessary - it is an age difference. But in shop senior can ask and choose sweet, and younger will receive the cottage cheese - it is an age difference too. Generally, we pronounce all situations, and senior honestly watches “rights“ - in shop reminds to buy something and the little sister. Now it is impossible to buy only a doll senior, she right there will ask: “And to Yasa?“ . At a table helps the little sister is or asks me to help if the sister does not cope. Generally, feels senior.
Well and all in the same vein: to younger in the first day after an extract from maternity hospital the ridiculous nickname stuck - and we remembered a nickname of the senior daughter in infancy at the same time. We photographed younger - and considered from the senior photo her in infancy, and then sestrenkina. We remembered stories from my childhood (I am elder sister too). We argued that will be when our baby grows up. So, my opinion on what is correct:to avoid
- sharp and unclear to the child of changes in life
- recognition of the household difficulties connected with the baby and their joint overcoming
- equal respect for children and observance of the rights of both children
Of course, still early to say that we absolutely avoided jealousy - but it is not at this stage that cannot but not please any more. Of course, my literary trash is not similar to the instruction, but, perhaps, it will seem to at least one person useful - and then I not for nothing composed it.
I finally the main, probably, practically cry from the heart. Mothers, the best, very best, the most careful, knowing, able and responsible! Assess sensibly the forces and a real situation! You do not become that only on whom everything “is completely closed“, as for children, from feeding to a daily routine and the choice of hairpins. The bigger number of people is capable to replace you - the better both for the child, and for you. And let the grandmother will give excess candy, and the father will include an excess animated cartoon - but and the child will not suffer too strongly when mother “switches“ on younger, and mother with quiet soul will be able to be engaged in each of children, without worrying about the second. You share the responsibility, the knowledge and the happy minutes connected with children.