Adoption: the way to the child of
the Child appearing in a family is always a miracle. And parents wait for it emergence with special impatience. But sometimes it is for this purpose not necessary to wait for 9 months. There are people ready to adopt the child. What difficulties at the same time and how they can be resolved can arise?
we Make the decision
“My husband still before we began to live together, knew about my infertility. Approximately in two weeks after the beginning of our joint life he told that he will never reproach me that could not give rise to it. Moreover, he agrees to adoption. I remember, then did not apprehend seriously the word about adoption. They became only a reinforcement of a guarantee of its attitude towards me - it is ready to be near even if we will have no children. Who exactly was an initiator of making decision on adoption, we could not understand. We went to work and about something stirred. I remember that the husband asked:“ If all - we take the child, then what floor?“ - “Girl“, - I answered. Then we thought up it a name - Anna, Anyutka...“
Svetlana, 24 years
Are considered to be that the families which were desperate become adoptive parents generally to give birth to own child. The people who passed a set of medical examinations, courses of treatment, unsuccessful attempts of EKO come giving all power of parental love to the reception kid. Also lonely people wish to adopt the child, the women successful in career, but with not developed partnership are more often. There is rather numerous category of families in which there are already own children. They have experience and desire to give love to the child, nonnative by birth.
Marina and Alexander adopted the boy Dyoma who was more senior than their native son Matvei for 3 months.“ On such as we, people look or as on mentally ill people, or as on heroes. Actually we neither those and nor others. We really weighed the forces and opportunities. We actually endow nothing, appearance of the second child, unlike the first, will change way of our life a little. We are sure that we will be able to fall in love with the reception kid. And we do not regard his education as heavy work at all“.
If you think of adoption of the child, it is important to realize motives which move you. Motives can be constructive and destructive. Speaking about the constructive motives, people note that they have a desire to give love and care; to be necessary, favourite; to do good; to accept the child it what he is; to enjoy gifts and to accept difficulties of a roditelstvo. But at the same time it is necessary to be convinced that destructive motives are absent. It is fear of loneliness, internal emptiness which needs to be “filled“ with something desire “to replace“ with the reception kid of own died child or other lost loved one; desire to keep the breaking-up marriage; adoption out of pity; aspiration to give pleasure to the spouse, “having allowed“ it adoption; desire “to rescue“ the child, having told about it to the whole world.If constructive motives are usually realized by
and openly speak about them, then destructive often happen hidden, unconscious even for their owner. Therefore it is important that future adoptive parents before decision-making tried to realize what motives move them. Destructive motives lead to unrealistic expectations and the overestimated requirements to the child, complicate life to both the little person, and his adoptive parents. If at decision-making destructive motives have the largest force, it can bring unfortunately about the made choice and even to “return“ of the child who did not meet expectations which it should not and it was not capable to justify. The best way is a visit of the psychologist specializing in problems of adoption and adaptation of families, still before you make a final decision whether you want to adopt the kid.
And if the spouse against?
Extraordinary important factor is the desire of both spouses to become adoptive parents is more sincere. More often the initiative is shown by the woman and if the spouse refuses, it can count him as insufficiently kind and responsible person. For this reason the part of men concedes, “allows“ the spouse to adopt the child, assuming not to take the responsibility for it (“It you wanted to adopt“). It is destructive influences marriage.
of Steam, already desperate to have own children, got permission to become adoptive parents, chose to herself the girl and waited for court. At this moment the woman learned that she is pregnant. Her husband refused flatly to become an adoptive father, and the woman told:“ Then we should refuse the father“, meaning what will cope also with the adopted newborn girl and will manage to take out, give rise and bring up the own child alone. It is good that couple received the help of the psychologist in time, and the woman realized that she will not be able to give to the adopted girl of all completeness of love as it will be concentrated on own long-awaited pregnancy which, considering problems with health, she could carry out in clinic. The woman managed to cope with sense of guilt before the girl whom as earlier considered, they “betray“, and it is successful to take out and give birth to own child, having kept the family. The girl was adopted by other childless couple.
Sometimes the desire to adopt the child comes at a stage when marriage “goes to pieces“. Sometimes the aspiration to keep marriage by the child consciously, sometimes - is not present. But even the own children are not able to be “glue“ if the relations of parents go to the end. For the adopted child the situation when he gets to a family where mutual understanding and support is lost, is the hardest test. Such adoptive parents are not able to accept the child it what he to eat, appreciate and love him. The child is necessary to one of them as means of deduction of the relations while the second spouse rejects both the partner, and the child. Disintegration of a family only accelerates, bringing a strong travmatization both to spouses, and, first of all, the child who “behind uselessness“ comes back to orphanage. If marriage broke up in first
of the Man. This unwillingness to bring up the stranger on genes of the child reminding to him of inability to have the children; egoistical fear to lose part of love and care of the wife, habitual comfort; the fear that “negative genes will be shown“ and the grown-up child will be a source of troubles; fear that it will not be able to fall in love with the child, and the child will not fall in love with it; a rash consent to the adoption given under the influence of the moment. In certain cases the man can help to overcome moral obstacles, having anew placed priorities, and work with the psychologist helps with it.Should not be expostulated
To opinion of men in a question of adoption very attentive. Sometimes the wife who is under a charm of the photo seen on the website, or crowded with pity to unfortunate children proposes marriage about adoption under the influence of emotions, without thinking whether there are for this purpose opportunities. Men differ in a big pragmatism and a practicality. They are inclined to consider, and they are seldom overflowed by emotions. The man, even morally ready to adoption, having set aside so far aside all emotions, decides whether it is enough at a family of finance also all as it should be with a housing question. Refusal of idea of adoption in this case is the thought-over position and often makes sober excessively emotional woman psychologically not ready to adoption.
Anyway if the second spouse is not ready to become an adoptive father, this position should be respected. In this question it is necessary to proceed from interests of the child. Only in a situation of full acceptance by both adoptive parents for it the best prospects of development and a peace of mind reveal.
the Angry aunty from guardianship...
of One of psychological problems is idea of what the state repairs to adoptive parents of an obstacle, inflating red tape with documentation. Also there is a belief that in agencies of guardianship or courts bad people work. It is often possible to hear stories about how the official began to dissuade from adoption, saying that all children in orphanages patients or that she doubts purity of thoughts of future adoptive parents. Of course, such strictly official communication not on temper to many couples. But it is necessary to consider that this style and even some provocations from officials are justified. They are responsible for that the child got to a family with mature motives of adoption that to the kid the injury by possible “return“ from - for unpreparedness of a family was not done. Both the family, and representatives of agencies of guardianship have the same purpose - wellbeing of the child, but go to it different roads.
If you had a desire to adopt the child, but you have no determination yet, it is better not to go for reception to the inspector. Read information on the thematic websites, participate in discussion, check the readiness. If initial readiness is created, it is possible to go on a meeting to guardianship.
Prepare at least an initial set of documents, and also inquire about the rights, having read the Family code of the Russian Federation. Readiness makes good impression. You should not speak about sublime motives, ideas of love, kindness, generosity enthusiastically. Yes, they are important for you. But on reception it is worth being more constructive, to speak about the fortress of your family, about desire to become parents and to accept features of the child, about readiness on this subject (for example, reading the corresponding psychological literature), about the sufficient level of the income in your family. Excessive emotionality can become only a hindrance, having given to the inspector of suspicion that emotions operate your decision only. At the subsequent visit of your housing be hospitable. Keep confidence and calm.Should not be expostulated
on large number of the documents and procedures preceding adoption. These difficulties and time which is taken away on collecting documents, and also time from the moment of “choice“ of the child to a judgment it is necessary in order that adoptive parents more and more time checked the readiness to take the child in a family. If families knew how many other couples withdraw at this stage, they would not condemn either strict officials of guardianship, or difficulty of procedure of registration.
It is my child!
“The stage of initial paperwork was for me the simplest. Then there was the most difficult - a meeting with the child. I grew in a family one, brothers - sisters were not. I never even on hands held little children. And I did not understand how it is possible to decide that it is “your“ child. How to choose? And the word some foolish “to choose“, well not a water-melon it on a market... My daughter was the sixth or seventh child at whom I looked. It was in a month after obtaining the conclusion from guardianship that I can be an adoptive father. That is I spent nearly a month, visiting different children`s homes and hospitals. My daughter not better also is not healthier than those whom I saw to her. Just it - mine. It is possible to speak about mission somewhere “there above“. Looking back, I understand that just I needed time “to try on“ on itself the future motherhood, to cease to be frightened internally kids. I spent many nights, suffering that I cannot decide on the choice. But I felt nothing at all to the boy with whom I went for a walk. Only sluggish call of duty and melancholy that I, likely, should take it. Crisis, neither forward, nor back... I decided “to be given to a current“, not to force an event, and just to listen to myself. And in one of days I looked at the second time at one girl and understood:“ and so my daughter“.
Lena, 27 years
How to define, what of children “yours“? If you decided to become adoptive parents, without having an image of the specific child, you seriously should reflect how to understand what of kids “that“.
Sometimes adoptive parents long think what child they would like to accept in a family. Important features are age, sex, appearance, temperament, a state of health of the child.
• How many to it will be years? Of course, many adoptive parents would like to take the child as it is possible is younger on age which will not remember either the native parents, or time of stay in children`s home. The child is younger, the it is more than opportunities at his adoptive parents to live all stages of a roditelstvo, and at the child - to begin to receive love in a family. But the reality are as follows: can wait for appearance of the newborn very long, and they will not be enough for everyone.
For each age group of children the features of adaptation in a family about which it is possible to speak very long exist. The families which are defined with age the child need to think of the opportunities. So far as concerns children till 3 years, adoptive parents have the right for a child care leave at preservation of a workplace, but it is necessary to consider whether will be the income of the husband enough until the wife looks after the kid. For more senior children it is necessary to think who will drive the child in a garden, in school whether he will begin to visit circles and sections. Being defined with age, observe children of the friends, acquaintances and relatives. Perhaps, some age will be especially close to you.Very careful needs to be
in a situation if you endured loss of the own child. If you choose the kid of that age which the left child would have at the moment, or that age at which you lost it it is a signal “danger!“ . In this case the probability that the adopted child will be “replacement“ to that whom you lost is high. In this case you will not be able to apprehend the accepted child as the independent, unique personality. It will be only the echo which is eternally not meeting expectations. And it is an excessive burden for the adopted child.
• Boy or girl? One of important questions is a sex of the child. Sometimes this question is corner. It is necessary to show care if you endured loss of your own child. In case of the first adoption it is better to choose the child of an opposite sex that the syndrome of “replacement“ did not develop.
• All in me! Many adoptive parents want that the kid in something was similar to them. But you should not choose the child by the principle “I want that it had the same nose“. Rather remote similarity speaking about belonging to a certain nationality. Many adoptive parents say that after time their adopted children became similar to them. Formation of similarity with adoptive parents are not a miracle. The person is constantly in the movement, and in communication with adoptive parents the child gains similar features of a mimicry, smile.
• Temperament - it is important! For adoptive parents with quiet temperament of phlegmatic persons education of the child - “motor“ can be tiresome as well as for impulsive, “fast“ adults there can be test a communication with the sluggish, detailed kid. Do not hesitate to ask at personnel of children`s home as it is possible in more detail about features of behavior of the kid.
• A that with health? Of course, it is very important question. Realities of children`s homes are that that children in the It Is Almost Healthy card almost do not meet record. But also many diagnoses sound much more terribly (from - for the incomprehensibility), than are in practice. Write much about typical diseases of such children, and it is worth getting acquainted with this information in advance not to be frightened what was seen in the card. Besides procedure of independent examination of health of the child which will help to define a state of health of the kid more precisely is allowed. Many problems (for example, a gospitalizm - the deep mental and physical backwardness caused by deficiency of communication with the adult in the first year of life of the child) are characteristic of stay of children in establishment where by definition they cannot receive enough caress and attention, and pass almost completely, toogda the kid receives them in a family.
Sometimes, going to children`s home to “shows“, the people focused, for example, on the one-year-old girl take in seven
to Adopt the child, to give it the new house, love, care, the understanding is what the people wishing to become adoptive parents aspire to. It is necessary to possess a sufficient maturity, responsibility and wisdom to go on this way with advantage. Adoptive parents have a task - to help to equip one human destiny to which they were connected not by(with) consanguinity, but call of heart. They will never tell the word “stranger“ in relation to the adopted child, because as nobody, understand: other people`s children are not.