For mother, for the father...
“Well, please, make it for me!“ - these words affect the got naughty kid as a magic spell. We will be frank: nobody manages to avoid emotional blackmail almost. The main thing - that it did not become your stick - a lifesaver for all occasions.
Slaves to love
“When Masha is capricious at breakfast, I do the afflicted person and I speak:“ Well give, my dear, well please... You eat rather, and that mother will be late for work“. This reception always works! I understand that I choose a line of least resistance, but I have no slightest desire to begin new day with the conflict“, - Irina tells.
As well as most of parents, from time to time resorting to emotional blackmail, Irina realizes that it is bad to play on sensitive strings of children`s soul. And still it does not hurry to change tactics - to persuade the kid to swallow an excess spoon of porridge or a tasteless tablet for the sake of mother`s pleasure much more simply, than to consistently show the hardness and persistence. Besides, while the child is too small, consequences of such blackmail are unevident. And still, abusing a pliability of children, parents make a mistake.
“When I was small, I forced itself to eat up a lunch to give pleasure to seniors, - tells 34 - summer Elena. - I was hurt by a stomach, nausea drove, but I suffered because I was afraid to afflict mother. The same was with study at school: I crammed as abnormal if only to please parents. Only in 23 years, having already graduated, I at last ventured to declare to them that I want to be not the engineer, but the decorator. Since then I have “allergy“ to any forms of blackmail“.
A here that the director of Institute of children`s psychoanalysis Olga Mahomed - Eminova speaks about it:“ In 2 - 4 years the child does not understand yet that “love“ means: for it this too abstract concept. But it reacts to the emotions proceeding from mother, to its tone, the look also eventually acquires that the love is equivalent readiness to endow the requirements to please to other person. To deserve an arrangement of parents and to show them the feelings, the kid inhibits the emotions and desires overflowing it day by day.
But over the years they collect, and once there is an explosion: at the grown-up child hysterics “unexpectedly“ begin, he runs away from the house, gives up study - in a word, revolts“.
one more danger which traps the parents who are often resorting to emotional blackmail Is: he can turn back against them. Some children purposefully manipulate seniors, refusing to eat, fill up or put on. At best it becomes the game straining parental nerves, and in the worst - ruthless war.
the Psychologist Nichole Priyer considers that the consciousness of own omnipotence causes alarm in the child. He gets used to bargain at the slightest pretext:“ Tell the fairy tale - then I will eat “, “ I will clean toys if you buy me the new machine“. The child and parents continually appear in a debt each other.
the Conflict of interests
it is unconditional, sometimes reception “Make it for me“ it is admissible. You, for example, will hardly be able to convince the three-year-old kid that the next inoculation is necessary to him, but not mother or the doctor “in an amicable way“. It is necessary to choose between coercion and emotional blackmail which in this situation seems to the smallest of two evils. The main thing that the manipulation did not log in. But in it is that and the problem consists: having realized effectiveness of emotional blackmail, many mothers and fathers cannot stop any more, sincerely believing that they act for the benefit of the “unreasonable“ child.“We are more senior than
, is more skilled and, apparently, we know that it is necessary for our kid. However even two-year-old the baby feels requirements of the organism far better, than parents who quite often confuse interests of the child and own whims“, - Olga Mahomed - Eminova notes.the Appeal “Make
so because it is pleasant to me“ brings confusion and in representations of the kid.“ Refusing to eat up porridge, the child does it not to spite of parents at all - just he is already full. And if he ate up a portion up to the end, then again - not it is pleasant to mother or grandmother but because appetite was played to make. However if seniors enthusiastically praise the child for each swallowed porridge spoon, the kid gets used to eat “for the sake of mother“. It is difficult to it to distinguish own needs and desires of other people, and therefore he easily falls a weak-willed victim of others manipulations“, - the French psychologist Gerard Severen develops thought.
Quarrel to friendship not a hindrance
the Psychologist Nichole Priyer considers that, trying to play on feelings of the kid, parents as a matter of fact admit helplessness and undermine the authority. Therefore it is better to show the parental power, than to avoid the open conflict with the help of not too “beautiful“ emotional blackmail.
A Olga Mahomed - Eminova recommends to combine styles of education even if not all of them are equally effective: “In 3 - 4 years the kid already understands how the material world is various. But the world of human emotions is very rich too: mother can be upset, both rejoice and admire and become angry... Do not try to smooth all “acute angles“ - in life there are conflicts and difficulties which in the future the child should overcome without the aid of parents. I met the people who grew up in “a hothouse situation“ - as a rule, they in general are indifferent to foreign opinion or, on the contrary, are excessively sensitive to critical remarks in the address. Anyway they with great difficulty get on with people around“.
Ekaterina, mother of two daughters, tells that her attempts to call daughters to order by means of emotional blackmail did not make great success:“ I long and unsuccessfully tried to obtain that children cleaned toys from a good attitude to me. But the disorder irritates me, and once I outright became angry. Since then, if daughters do not wish to clean things, I give vent to feelings - it turned out that this reception works far better, than any arrangements“.
Gerard Severen notes that the child who realizes that not all in this life is defined by pleasure of mother or father seizes rules of the family schedule and social norms easier. If the kid tries your patience, refusing to go to bed, for example, best of all to show severity:“ All children have to go to bed early in a bed - it is so necessary because small it is necessary to have a rest much“. Perhaps, the child is still small quite to understand the meaning of what was said, however even the one-year-old kid will catch the confidence sounding in your voice. And the understanding will come with age.Having decided to fight back with
to the got naughty child, you help formation of his personality. Perhaps, he will become angry, will begin to be angry, but eventually will acquire family values and will learn to respect others interests.
It is confirmed also by little Mischa`s father; “Our son did not want to go to bed eternally. He demanded that mother sat next and read one fairy tale for another. The wife plaintively asked: “The time Bai - Bai, is enough to torment mother, release me, let`s me have a rest... Whether“ It is necessary to say that Mischa began to ache and poor-mouth, and mother with a sigh started the next fairy tale. And then I told: “Everything, enough!“ Gradually I managed to inspire in the son: it is necessary to reckon that we with mother want to stay together, and he reconciled to it!“by
Make it for yourself!
Mother 4 - summer Katya, having refused a formula “Make It for Me“, began to encourage the daughter with approving remarks. “Every time when the Katyusha itself puts on boots, uses a knife during food, crossing the road, looks at first on the left, and then to the right, I with pride speak: “Well done! I am proud of you“. It turns out that I am happy with Katya, Katya rejoices to the progress, and still she is happy that I am happy“.“From time to time I tell
to the son Anton:“ You very much will please me if you clean the room“. And it willingly does it because knows: it is not a trick. Since five years Anton independently brings from time to time order to make to me a surprise“, - other mother shares pedagogical progress.
Main that the child understood - making next “feat“, he acts in own interests. Eats because it is demanded by its organism; goes to bed to have a rest and gain strength; washes to be pure, it is good to smell, lie down in the pleasure in a bathtub. In this case sincere words of approval will become for it an additional award.“Ability to please relatives is equally important
both for big, and for small, - Gerard Severen sums up the result.
- Parents have to set children an example: to come off the TV to read the fairy tale or together to play machines. Show to the child that you love him, is the best way of education of soul“.