Rus Articles Journal

Parents! You - good!

you only also do what is brought up? All, a coma laziness, - doctors, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, journalists. All of them it seems know much better you how to treat children. And all of them, of course, parents it is better than you. And undersigned author, precisely, the best parent. And if - not the best why it brings up parents?!

Alas! Not the best! And I do not bring up parents. You - good. Now I want to talk to you at all not about own (and not the fellows by profession) outstanding achievements, and about the mistakes. Here such there will be an anti-advertizing to professor of education of the official status. I corrected some of these mistakes. And you will not correct some any more...

Training: pedagogical recklessness . Passed years twenty five since then. And here I remember, and I cannot forgive myself. Psychological, so to speak, experiment. Decided to train the three-year-old daughter to read.

the tremendous idea - fast reading came to

To mind! For the smallest! Special method of own production!!! Cut a sheet of paper on several strips and on everyone capital printing letters traced by one word: “Orange“, “Yabloko“, “Lemon“... Called up the daughter, showed the word “Yabloko“ and told: “It is Apple. Bring me from kitchen apple“. It brought. I put it near a strip “Yabloko“. Then showed a leaflet with the word “Lemon“, said: “It is the Lemon, bring from kitchen a lemon“. She brought and put near a strip etc. Then (oh, pleasure!) it was rather simple to me to show the word written on a strip, and my daughter at once brought me the ordered fruit. Moreover! I could tell it:“ Bring a leaflet “Orange“, and it with delight brought me from other room a proper word.

“Hurrah! I taught the child to read

(to identify) the word at once! Not on letters!! And even not on syllables!!!“ But right there was a doubt: words at me different length: “lemon“ contains 5 letters, “Yabloko“ - 6 letters, and “orange“ - 8. What if my daughter reacts to length, but not to alphabetic structure of the word? Again cut a strip, wrote words of identical length: “Fork“, “Spoon“, “Knife“, and completely repeated experiment. And what you think? Again good luck! E, I think, piece serious, it is necessary to understand in what business.

the Word is not just a set of letters, these are letters in a certain order. So, to what my daughter reacts: on alphabetic structure of the word, or (and) much these letters in the word? And I continue to experiment. I rewrite the word “fork“ on the contrary:“ akliv“ also I suggest to bring “it“ from kitchen. And here - shock. My daughter something not really runs to comply with a request, somehow hesitates, leaves in indecision, takes in kitchens something at random... I pledge it the word “akzhol“, and everything repeats... Here put, I think... If this problem with “order“ was bypassed, would become farther to master letters as signs of phonemes (would begin to distinguish “onions“ and “hatch“, etc.). In a word, as in one joke: “It is a pity, so many ideas were (here to try everything)!“

, alas, are not ridiculous

of the Consequence of it at all. Though the daughter had no problems with study, and even on the contrary - according to the recommendation of teachers it was transferred at once from the first class to the third, she began to show interest in reading only to the fifth class of school. And before to read - well in any! Means, there was a failure!

Already much later I read

at one of the respectable colleagues: do not push together “foreheads“ two working methods with information until each of them is completely mastered. And differently - a sshibka, a development stop, a step backwards, but not rise up...

So, first council to : experimenting, in time stop... Training, research passion and parental ambitions - things incompatible.

Education: “pedagogical system above all!“ Episode earlier. The daughter only - only learned to rise and stand in a manezhika, holding hands a side. Morning. I and mother went to bed late, and, as always, we want “to sleep“... And the daughter already rose. Asks to us... We want to roll about in a bed, but with it it somehow not really turns out - the baby instantly walks all, reaches handles for hair and checks durability of their attachment to a darkness. We with mother of it do not transfer.

the Girl cries, and we, of course, would take it to ourselves - not such we are egoists... But ideas of “rules of education“ do not allow. Now it is not important who the author of similar rules what contribution was made them by parents, etc. It is important that in this case we “unfasten“ the intuition and feelings to do “right thing“. The girl cries - we do not take her to ourselves. If she could speak, she would tell us:“ To me badly one! I cannot without you! Take me to yourself! I pay, I shout, I beg you! What I still can make that you heard me?! Really you do not see how to me it is bad without you?!“ But we do not hear all these words. Our feelings - in the power of mind. Mind - in the power of system. And the pedagogical system forbids us to take the child to itself.

meanwhile, this system is simple as orange. Reasonings are approximately such. She cries. Let`s put, we meet requirements of her. She, thus, tries to obtain the tears... Communication is fixed: if I want that they (parents) made “in my opinion“, I will cry, and they will make anything. “Well is not present!“ - parents speak each other. - “Such approach does not suit us. The earlier she will understand that “tears you will achieve nothing“, the better... Here also we lie, having stiffened, near, we listen, “staunch parents“ as she cries, “we feel pity“ for her, neither are live, nor are dead, we speak in a whisper supposedly it is necessary to sustain all this, to endure, wait... We serve “system“... And I remember all this how now, and there passed so many years, more than a quarter of the century!

“Well and?. - the reader will ask, - actually what all this led to? What for trouble happened then? Some psychological drama, some deviations in development of the child?“ Frankly speaking, a question how this case influenced development of the child, I cannot answer. And methods such which could measure effect of similar parental “valor“, no. Besides, I sincerely am proud of the daughter. I admire it. It has many friends. It has a beautiful husband. It brings up the son. She graduated from the Moscow university. We well understand each other. And, it seems, why to remember this small episode, a moment of her and my life, about what, has to be it was erased in her memory for a long time?

I all - should be remembered, at least already because in memory at people it is erased nothing. Experiences of the childhood remain forever and can have an effect gradually the most unpredictable, and sometimes in quite known and predictable way, being reflected in feeling of trust to the world or trust to themselves, the forces. If you addressed now not only my knowledge, but also my intuition - that which was switched off, sacrificed to “system“ then, that morning if you asked it whether the described event was reflected in vital feeling of my daughter in the next years, the intuition would tell: “Yes, it was reflected...“ And if you asked why my intuition “thinks“ so, she would answer: “Conscience prompts me it!“

So, second council to : trust intuition, feelings, do not turn into the slave to system. Additional recommendation: try to be more critical in perception of the “pedagogical recommendations“ which are especially beginning with words “never“ and “always“. And last recommendation: do not trust those who consider what love can be spoiled.

Negotiation process with the child:“ let the baobab will grow up“ . I have one more daughter, she already absolutely adult now, she is four years old soon! But my memoirs belong to its earlier age. And the speech here too will go about a mistake. But if earlier I spoke about the mistakes made in training and education, then now - about what occurs between adults and children when they just are together, coexist. Let`s notice, I mean such moments when parents do not set before themselves some pedagogical purpose, for example, to teach to play children`s dominoes or, we will put, “to cultivate generosity“ in the form of unclear to the child of readiness in the spirit of the Caucasian hospitality to give at parting to the guest - too to the child the most favourite toys.

we Will consider on my example “errors of negotiations“ with the child in the most everyday situation. Here my supervision over in the course of communication with the daughter.

I Watch TV. The daughter quietly approaches the TV and presses the vykl button. I speak (quietly): “Include!“ Not to me - my request as if does not hear the daughter. I again (nervously): “Include!“ Does not include. I maintain a pause, I drill eyes, I speak rigidly: “Well - include!“ The daughter runs away. I am indignant. I get up from a chair. I approach the TV. I include... And here it quickly approaches and presses “vykl“. Now I explode seriously... And the daughter sees “the terrible father“.

Analysis: I from the very beginning knew, than everything will end. Just did not want to think of it. To me was, in fact, laziness to improve a situation at once (to take itself, heavy body, from deep easy chair, to overcome three steps to the TV, to protect the button from encroachments, and, at last, to switch attention of my two-year-old daughter to something else). Actually, I should have become angry properly. To be valid to rise from a chair and to put a barrier. Consequences: I should work thoroughly to come into contact with the child, disentangling that episode (the child avoids me).

Before us one of the “games“ which are involuntarily played by the parent. I called it “let the baobab will grow up“. The adult sees that the child begins to do “something not that“ or “not so“. It irritates the adult, but he restrains. He looks at the child and thinks when that sees reason. Or begins to dissuade inertly the child, “giving him chance“ to do without parental manual. In fact, it postpones intervention, having a presentiment of its inevitability. That is, instead of ripping this action at once, “in the bud“, he waits until action is issued, “will grow up“ and further - “and there`s nothing to be done!“ - begins to root out it with a root... The adult can be understood: “to bring up“, it is necessary fine “to start process“...


Instead of similar “games“ (at first ignoring, and then fight against consequences), it is necessary to work resolutely - to define as soon as possible for itself whether it is possible to allow this action, or, maybe, it is worth distracting from it, or to forbid unambiguously, and, having made the decision, to follow it irrevocably. As far as it is feasible, depends on “energy of action“ of the adult, his ability to instantly accept and carry out decisions.

So, behavior options in the described concrete case: If to me transfer is not so important

  1. , to allow the child to play enough with the button or maybe even “to head“ this process.
  2. not to wait for p, “so far will reach“, “so far the baobab will grow up“, and at once even if the child “does not hear“ to execute the desire independently (without entrusting it to the two-year-old).

Third council to : be more adult than the child.

P. S. I think, not all from our readers know that some psychologists are consultants and psychotherapists try to adhere to the principle: “Do not give advice!“ Other professionals think differently and give advice! In this case the author of this article prefers not to get into argument. However I do not doubt both those, and others everything - will agree with it that everyone is capable and, from time to time, has to give advice to.

doctor of psychological sciences, professor, corresponding member
of the Russian Academy of Education, leading consultant
of the Center of personal consultation “Kateksis“, Moscow.

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