Shame and fault - one Satan?
Most of people of special distinction between them these two feelings do not do. Where shame, there and wine. But there are two different verbs in Russian: “to vinovatit“ and “shame“. When we speak about wine of the person, we mean that he violated rules, made or conceived bad, doing harm, not accepted in our society, broke some bans.
For example, the child can be guilty of the torn clothes (it is necessary to watch himself!), the received two (it is necessary to study well!), roughnesses in relation to parents (it is impossible to be rude to seniors!). On these examples it is very well visible: there are rules, and they are violated. It is supposed that the little person, having realized the offense, will have sense of guilt and will try further rules to observe. Sense of guilt is similar to feeling:“ I am a bad person because I think or I do what cannot be thought or done“.
Sometimes sense of guilt overtakes us when we do not do what would has to be made. Inactivity - too violation of certain rules (it is necessary to do homework, it is necessary to work and earn a living!) . What occurs in us at the same time? First of all, we feel rejected - we are violators and have to be punished, we “not “, we behave not as “worthy“ members of society, either good pupils, or the loving relatives etc. The had sense of guilt serves as if as natural self-punishment of the turncoat and in some degrees are reduced by the level of experiences: already made, it is already guilty, you will not correct any more. The fault often “covers“ strong primary feelings: shame (I worthless, at me will turn out nothing), grief (to them it is so bad, and I can make nothing therefore it is guilty) and even anger (I am angry with mother, but it is impossible to be angry with it therefore I am guilty). There is an opportunity not to work, and to plunge into itself, to consider the fault in all its aspects, to live it. Bad person or bad act? The shame will wound more deeply, than wine as it is connected with loss of self-esteem, doubt in the solvency, but not with abnormality of behavior: it is possible to be ashamed of both a hair color, and a figure, and even the fact that you are not loved. Everything that does not suit in us people around and, as a result, ourselves can become a reason for shame. The shame drives into the deadlock: I am such, with it nothing can be made. The fault gives vent: not to do more than it, to try if not to correct, then to soften made. If the child received a bad note and parents together with him found out, from - for what it occurred - started material (violated the rule “learn in time“), did not sleep (it is necessary to lay down in time), was ill (the teacher violated rules and asked right after an illness), - that an exit is. If the child is guilty, he can correct (to learn) if the teacher - it is quite good to descend to mother in school and to exculpate with the child, having returned it in a delicate form to the adult.
With a careful eye to society to
But a thicket happens in a different way: ourselves when our children made something “not so“, have deep feeling of fault before school, society or the parents. In us the habitual voice is distributed: “I am bad mother, I incorrectly bring up it, and all see what I bad“, or “I am the wrong father, here my father managed to force me to study well, and I am not able...“, or “All know how to force children to obey, only we do everything not so!“ We feel guilty, but in it is from our point of view - the child is guilty. If he was another, behaved in a different way, was not ill, grew thin or grew stout, we could recognize ourselves as good parents and not test... shame. Yes, behind this fault the shame hides! The adult, the parent of the children, suddenly feels useless, inept and wrong. Then, unfortunately, often, the anger on own child from - for the necessary thing broken to nobody or the three in the second class many times over exceeds his offense. The father and mother try to dump shame shout, pressure, and sometimes and a manhandling. Let`s remember how children at school behave or in kindergarten when they are excessively shamed (you are not able, clumsy, angry, the dirty creature): at first fade, trying to realize what are guilty of and when it does not work well, run away, hide, cry or begin to be rude, fight and in every possible way to show aggression.
to Smooth down, expiate... whether
we remind ourselves these children, playing a role of parents with feeling of eternal fault inside? There is also one more danger: after explosion of emotions the majority of us plunges into fault again, but now before the child with whom we behaved obviously unfairly. It is necessary either repent, or to continue to press, but now from a position: “You see what you bad what brought parents to, from - for you we (adults!) we behave so, exactly from - for you we broke“. Here primary occasion of the conflict disappears, about the broken thing and the three nobody remembers, the mutual recrimination - the crying child begins: “As you me...“ - and the parent: “As you talk to me...“ The situation is not resolved, for this purpose nothing is made, but is very frequent participants have a feeling of some satisfaction: quarreled - reconciled. However, there was a chronic fault of the child, a remorse concerning an act or failure in study. And fault of parents for the “not skill and abnormality“.
I Will punish myself
Guilty is afraid to speak about the love. It is difficult for guilty mother to caress the child, the guilty teenager roughly evades from embraces, he “did not deserve“ them. Often family members imperceptibly punish themselves for “the wrong behavior“, limiting manifestations of love and just contacts: try “to pay off“ with own fault. All of us in the childhood well knew: made - punished, it became easier. Paid for the wrong act - and wine down with. Children sometimes find a way out for themselves in continuous demonstration of sense of shame at the slightest pretext: cry, accept the humiliated pose, in every possible way showing:“ I am guilty, I bad“. It is protection against attack - the little person SO punishes himself that people around begin to protect it from him involuntarily. “Immersion in fault“ is seductive, but does not bring results in life. Therefore know when to stop - it will allow to go forward and to respect itself.