Rus Articles Journal

From 0 to 5. The science of partings

In the first years of life of the child traps serious test: he studies as time to leave mother and the father. How to help to transfer least painfully involuntary separation? Get acquainted with councils of psychologists Chantal Fleri and Bernadett Lemuin.

the First lessons of life of the newborn are lessons of parting. Already birth - no other than separation from a maternal body.“ From the very first days the newborn incessantly endures losses: the umbilical cord is torn, the kid is weaned, parents begin to drop out of sight, then send the child to a day nursery or under supervision of the nurse... The list of small partings is replenished up to receipt in kindergarten or school. And all these events add to experience of the kid, prepare it for future independence“, - the psychologist - the clinical physician Chantal Fleri says.

In spite of the fact that experience of partings forms the personality, it is not necessary to underestimate weight of test to which the child is exposed. If mother leaves while the baby sleeps, it does not mean that he will not notice her absence, on the contrary. Having woken up, he can feel full confusion.“ The kid can understand nothing, it seems to him that it was thrown. Parents take the main, central place in his life. Having decided that lost them, he can test deadly horror“, - Bernadett Lemuan, the author of the book devoted to experiences of children when parting with parents explains.

acute sense of loss is Behind each parting. Even when the baby begins to understand that parents will return, this experience remains very painful.“ If the one-and-a-half-year-old kid angrily cries when you leave, it is dictated first of all by the fact that he is afraid to lose your love and that feeling of safety which it ensures“, - Chantal Fleri claims. The child literally eats love of parents. It is no wonder that threat of “hunger“ causes in it a strong protest!

Feeling of safety

For internal feeling of safety to the kid needs to be known that you love it and that this love of time is not subject. There are one thousand ways to inform of this thought the child. Be not afraid to spoil it such obvious expression of feelings! Having realized that love of mother and father - wonderful gift which does not run low, is as if frequent it spent, the kid will calm down and will gradually learn to express the attachment in less rough way.


in the same way important every time, leaving the house, to clearly let know to the kid that you will return to it. Do not forget that the child perceives time differently, than we. According to some psychologists, 7 - 8 hours which the child will see off without parents, for him the same that for the adult the whole week. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that small it was firmly convinced that you appear in due time!

Having felt

in safety, the child not only will be able to leave you, but also will be open for communication with other children and adults. The communication is more reliable, the it is easier to be separated for a while. When the kid knows that he holds a firm place in life of the parents, he will not begin to object to (short) swimming in the high sea, like the boat going on a tow near the big ship. And having left parents, it will be able to become attached to other people. This rule continues to work also at later age. If the nurse manages to become for the kid the loved one, it, as well as you, will help it to feel comfortably among new faces.

Preparation for the future

of Parting replace by meetings, familiar faces unfamiliar, society of people - loneliness. In this eternal circulation the kid gains invaluable experience: he learns to rely on own forces.“ That the child was created as the full personality, he needs to learn to derive pleasure both from communication, and from loneliness“, - Chantal Fleri emphasizes. This process goes with variable success and lasts for years. Even in the senior group of kindergarten kids anew endure every day separation from parents. If you together with the kid invent own rituals of parting if he is confident in your love, then gradually will understand that this separation does not take away from it parents at all, and helps to mature.


Besides, leaving the kid on care of other adults, you in practice show that you trust it, believe in his independence, that your absence will not prevent it to feel happy. And it is already a lot of! Separation from you means all - navsy that life does not stand still. Nine months you carried under the child`s heart. Now came to store its turn in the heart your image: to remember you, with pleasure to wait for a meeting. When there is no mother nearby, the child often thinks of her, and, can not doubt, will proceed so still for many years!

From the birth till 3 months

What is felt by the child? When time of a dream comes or the next feeding comes to an end, the kid acquires that life consists of series of separations and new meetings. It is not enough - Pomala the child saves up life experience: if you fell asleep, it does not mean that parents abandoned you; if you are weaned, it does not mean that you absolutely lost mother!

the Baby is ready by

for your wave: he well knows your smell, a voice, touches. And nevertheless it is still difficult for it to create a complete image of mother. When you after a break appear again nearby, it needs to put a lot of effort to aggregate all impressions.

As to it to help

? talk to it More. About three months the baby seldom protests when mother leaves. However the kid perfectly knows that it is absent nearby! For this reason it is necessary to talk to children since their birth, to calm, explaining why you left and why you should leave. Without understanding words, the kid perfectly understands what adults want to tell. If you speak with all the heart, do not doubt, he will understand everything. Even if you need to leave for a while the child while he sleeps, try to warn him about it quietly.


Leave to the kid a reminder on yourself. Proven means - a t-shirt or a scarf which store your smell. Some women, going to business trip, leave the cartridge with record of the voice.

For what term can leave to

it with other adults? It is desirable that in the first three months of life of the child the periods of your absence did not exceed several hours.

From 3 to 8 months

What is felt by the child? the Kid is able to distinguish familiar faces from unfamiliar now, and by six months is already capable to recognize the person whom saw two weeks ago. He very much loves “conversations“ of thetas - and - thetas with mother. And just delighted with the fact that signals which it to you gives when shouts, frowns, smiles, grabs hand, can cause a response. Psychologists call this new communication arising between you, attachment. However and other people can gain trust of the child provided that “the mother`s deputy“ whom the kid by three months usually recognizes will make friends with it in due form games.

As to it to help

? Carry out thorough preparation if you have to send the child to a day nursery. One week prior to the planned day begin to accustom it to the new mode: for example, every morning you awake slightly earlier.

Keep in touch with the nurse. Take away since morning excess 10 minutes on telling it about how the child behaved the night before or at night (well slept, temperaturit etc.) . This conversation will calm the kid and will serve as a peculiar support: he hears that speak about it, understands that it will not be left on care of the nurse as an inanimate object.

Give to the kid “point of support“. If you “throw up“ since morning of the child to the grandmother or cooperated with other mother and in turn sit with two babies, take favourite toys of the child to other house. The little nomad will be glad to find familiar objects.

Pay special attention to meetings after separation. Give to the kid in the evening (and yourself) time for again to each other to get used. Sit nearby, communicate, only do not snatch on it with kisses, otherwise he will draw a conclusion that the nurse or the grandmother - not the best for it the company. The same treats also a meeting after long absence: with understanding treat that the kid will seem indifferent. He is not offended, just he needs to get used to you anew... In the same way also we behave, adults, meeting old friends after long separation.

For what term can leave to

it with other adults? Taking into account the usual mode it is possible to leave it in a day nursery or under someone`s supervision for half a day, the whole day and even for the weekend if the person with whom it remains is well familiar to it.

From 8 to 12 months

What is felt by the child? Eight months - a classical stage of fear of “strangers“. Some children one fine day begin to cry desperately at the sight of the stranger, others in amazement do not take eyes with it or show careful curiosity. The kid realizes himself as the personality, certain of mother, and builds a scale of own preferences. Researches showed that when 10 - the monthly child sees strangers in the presence of the father or mother, immediately turns facing the loved one. And, if there are both mother, and the father nearby, he first of all looks at mother!

At this age the kid makes one more important discovery: it has an ability to move away from you at own will. Having learned to creep or stamp on a floor, holding furniture, he feels taste to independence which is provided to it by this mobility. He cannot wait to test the strength, but... without leaving limits of a mother`s field of vision.

As to it to help

? do not confront the kid with a fait accompli. Whenever possible try to avoid surprises: children are curious by nature, but hate changes. If kid someone has to take away from a day nursery another if you are going to leave him under supervision of the neigbour if for the weekend to you there come relatives, report to the kid about it in advance!

Play at hide-and-seek

! The child already knows that the hidden thing continues to exist though he does not see it therefore a hide-and-seek - an excellent way to connect such concepts as disappearance and new emergence in his consciousness.

For what term can leave to

it with other adults? In 8 - 9 months, and sometimes a bit later you should not put the kid on trial separation from parents once again. However some children and in 9 months perfectly postpone parting with mother to day - another!

Of a year to three

What is felt by the child? the Kid tells only several words, but understands the reasons of your absence already best and best of all. It well developed ability to mentally imagine objects which are absent nearby at present (psychologists call this ability “symbolical representation“). It serves as guarantee of assimilation of language: what there can be more symbolical, than a word replacing with the sounding material object?

the Child is already able to expect events: time you undertook a handbag - not to pass separation. He also learns to cope with fear of strangers, especially if you rejoice at appearance of the guest.

As to it to help

? Show hardness. It in rage, because what you leave? Such behavior is peculiar to this age: the kid begins to realize that you do not belong to him entirely. You should not be anxious too. Your inflexibility will help to avoid chain reaction of whims. You not in forces to leave when he cries? Calm down, these tears are not deprived of advantage: they help the kid to splash out a grief. At the same time do not pass disturbing symptoms (see insert “An occasion for concern“).

Let`s it play

with an album of photos. By one and a half years the child joyfully learns in photos and shows a finger mother, the father, the senior brother and a cat. If you leave it under supervision of the nurse or grandmother, such album is useful to them to talk about you in your absence.


Reckon with “margin of safety“ of the kid. Having stayed with the child year, and even it is more, you felt lawful desire to take rest, be alone slightly or together with the husband. Planning absences, consider a stock of patience of the kid: if, having spent four days with the grandmother and the grandfather, he suddenly becomes sad or begins to behave worse than ever, a conclusion is obvious: four days - still all right, but five - too long!

For what term can leave to

it with other adults? For a week provided that with it there will be a person whom he knows and loves.

From three to five

What is felt by the child? By three years children speak better and better, do not soil panties, and some of them go to kindergarten. Everything is interesting to the kid on light, he lives at a speed of 100 km/h and is capable to pass instantly with blank despair to rough delight. He surely feels in the world of imaginations and more and stronger reaches for age-mates. At this age the first true friends appear. Children open for themselves new entertainment - to visit each other.

As to it to help

? Treat alarms of the kid with understanding. Holiday came to an end, it is time to go to a garden, and the kid does not want and clings to you? Tell that you know how to it it is sad that you at this age did not want to leave mother too, but you will precisely come for it exactly in six. That the child felt pride because that he big also goes now to kindergarten, buy it by the beginning of academic year some new things.

Give it the chance to mature gradually. Let will take a favourite toy in kindergarten, only agree that during occupations it lay in a backpack.

Let the child shares

impressions with you. If he is invited to spend the night at the friend, help it to put things which need to be taken with themselves, explain that in other family there can be a few other orders. Talk about how he imagines evening on a visit. Ask to tell about the impressions when he comes back home!

For what term can leave to

it with other adults? Is more visible to you how many the child is capable to sustain without you. It depends on its character (one children are more independent, to others is cozier in a habitual situation), from family affairs (the birth of the younger brother or sister - not the best time for long separation), and also on that, the relations with the person, how close at it, on whom you leave it.


the Reason for concern

At the child is in a stock the whole arsenal of ways to show discontent:
  • he refuses food;
  • sleeps badly;
  • sleeps too much (some kids “boycott“ the unfamiliar place, finding a shelter in a dream);
  • does not show interest in what surrounds it: does not play, hardly comes into contact with people.
  • endlessly is ill
  • ;
  • constantly is capricious and does not give itself to console.
If at least one of these symptoms gains chronic character, so the kid needs the help. Consult to the doctor or the children`s psychologist.

Mail for any questions: ruman988(commercial at)