To wake desire of
Small children, household cares, a stress at work, the next news and financial crisis - all this is capable not only to spoil to the woman mood, but also to deprive of it desire to have sex. Why at activity peak - in 30 and in 40 years - many women cease to have desire? The sexologist Vera Alekseeva told about it.
One of my patients admitted during consultation:“ If on a body the woman had a Switch off button, then I would tell that at me it worked already many years ago“. Other woman who was 44 years old, complained that recently homeworks for algebra and purity in kitchen concern her much more, than sex. And these women - at all not an exception to the rules. Decrease in sexual desire is one of the most important problems which I face.Results of different researches differ in
from each other, and generally it is possible to tell that they from 35% to 60% of women admit the different countries that during certain periods of life experienced decrease in a libido. And it means that the level of sexual desires almost at a half of married couples does not coincide. You represent how it is a lot of?
the Woman lies in a bed, having narrowed eyes, and tells about how she was tired that only did not come to the man to mind to have sex, and he should beg her that once it seemed both the most important pleasure in life nearly.the Man told
at me on reception once:“ It lies in several centimeters from me, but impression such that we are divided by several kilometers. It has such look what to touch it a hand is not raised“.
to understand this problem, we with colleagues made experiment with participation of 98 couples.
We asked them to write down within several weeks the talk and the thoughts concerning sex. People of different age participated in research: there were also students, and those who live more than 50 years in marriage. In these diaries there were strange stories. One forty-year-old man with bitterness wrote how he once, having been tired to persuade the wife, with irritation told:“ Everything, I have had enough! More I do not intend to finish you. We will have sex when you about it ask“. Since then there passed 8 years, they still live together, but never had sex.
Many women regretted that they too often refuse to the partners, and at once felt sorry for themselves because too are tired in a day, and there is no time left for rest at all. Almost all who recognize decrease in desire are shocked by it: once they could not come off from each other, and it was impossible to present that sometime excitement will take place. One of participants wrote here that: “After the birth of twins I also could not think of sex. Once the husband did not talk several days to me when he heard, dreamily I wave hands and I shout: “Leave alone me! I do not want!“Simply I do not want
the Female sexual inclination is very fragile and difficult thing. Unlike man`s, it depends on emotional proximity with the partner. The fatigue, a stress or quarrel from - for a trifle are capable to destroy everything. And for many married women sex really turns into one of family duties. And when you worry that the child can wake up, or are angry behavior of the husband about any excitement out of the question. You know that sex and household chores are very closely connected?
of the Woman admitted to me during sessions more than once that take offense and cease to feel an attraction to husbands because those refuse to help them about the house? Show this article to your husband, and let he will reflect: whether you should not find from the family budget any sum on the housekeeper and thanks to it to enjoy sex with the wife?One my patient told
such story:“ Yes, the husband agrees to help me. But does it as if wants that next time I did not ask about anything it. If he washes the dishes, then it is necessary to wash then it anew. If it hangs out the washed clothes, then crumples it and it does not dry till several days. And if takes out garbage, then by all means will drop something on the road! And then is surprised why I am so angry. Yes after such help I want to kill him, but not to have with him sex!“
Ya advised the woman to talk to the husband. It came to the following reception in tears: “He told that even if I would have a cleaner, the nurse and the cook, I all the same would find a pretext to refuse sex. And I did not even find that to object it. Because, you know... at heart I also am afraid that it is right!“
The matter is that man`s and female desire are various by the nature. The man`s libido more depends on testosterone level, and sex helps men to relax. For them it is an excellent way to remove stress. And if the woman cannot get rid of tension and relax, she needs no sex. Some doctors consider that young mothers are programmed by the nature on avoiding sex. Thus, they can pay due attention to the children.When the relations only begin
, the feeling of love starts chemical processes in an organism, and the desire practically does not cease - it is right both for men, and for women. But in several years the passion passes, and then women begin to lay down later and later, hoping that the husband will fall asleep, without having waited for it.
Of course, exceptions happen. Couples which live together for 40 years participated in our research and are in love each other, as in the first year after a wedding. And there are couples which instead of sex with pleasure watch decades film in the evenings and eat pizza. And at the same time feel absolutely happy!
the Roller coaster of desire
I all - ideal coincidence meets seldom. Much more often one of spouses wants more sex, than another can offer it. 38 - the summer man somehow admitted to me that he specially forces the wife to be jealous, giving her reasons to think that he has a mistress. But all he wants actually, - to keep attention of the wife, and the jealousy is the most effective way which he could think up. Many men treat with understanding to differences of female desire now and are ready to wait long enough until it is in the necessary mood. But, considering a present rhythm of life and stresses, it is necessary to wait sometimes very long. As to be?
And all - try to relax...I tell
to All patients who do not experience excitement any more about the theory of the American psychologists. Even if you do not feel keen desire, Americans consider, it does not mean that you do not derive pleasure from sex. Just relax and allow the husband to give you pleasure, you also will not notice how you will be involved in process. Also I want to pay your attention: a keyword here - “relax“. If you are angry, then no pleasure will exist, it precisely.admit to
: this way works not for all. Some perceive this idea in bayonets: “Why I have to do what I do not want?“ Of course, you should not - I tell it to all the patients. The main pleasure of sex just is that it is not a duty, not routine business, but the free choice. Only you solve to whom and as you want to present this pleasure. And if after mature reflection you decide that you want to present it to the husband (notice, you should not, but you want to make it) even if you were tired, you will not regret.
I here still that does not cease to surprise me: as the relations of spouses if both of them take a step towards each other quickly improve. You judge. Perhaps, the husband does not know in what the reason of your irritation. And you do not realize that behind persistent requirements of sex there is not a desire of the husband finally you at all to exhaust. He wants to draw your attention, to remind you that he is a man whom you chose and with whom once were delighted. He just does not know other way, men are not too inventive, you know.
What to do?Deliver to
yourself on its place
Understand that the man needs not just physical sex, it needs contact with the beloved, he needs to feel communication. Submit what it, when you are rejected all the time. Of course, for refusal there are good reasons (children, fatigue, a stress at work, etc.) but it is all the same touches.
If sex became more rare, try at least in all possible ways to let know to the man that he is still dear to you. Try to inform it of thought that all this is temporary, you have just difficult period, but as soon as it passes, everything will be adjusted.
Is possible, the theory of the American psychologists really will help you in practice - try. Eventually to agree or not to agree is your choice.But if you have more than two months no desire and for this purpose do not have
the objective reasons, then it is worth seeing a doctor and to make tests. Perhaps, decrease in desire was caused by difficulties of medical character, and it is easy to fix this problem.
Yes, the idea to plan sex seems to much absurd, but think: if you seek to redo all affairs, then where time for pleasures? Try to unload consciously the second half of day on Saturday. Do not wash the floors, do not prepare difficult dishes, and together with the husband and children watch good film. And let for dinner you will have pelmeni, but by the evening you will not be exhausted, like a dish-towel. And you will have both forces, and time for pleasures. Your husband will estimate it.
Viagra for women?
Many companies are borrowed by development of a miracle cure for women. But the means strengthening inflow to blood to genitals practically do not affect women. What could help is a hormone testosterone. Almost at a half of women the desire just from - for shortages of this hormone decreases. But, of course, before taking medicine, it is necessary to consult to the doctor and to pass inspection.