Rus Articles Journal

Mother and stepmother (part 3) of

Part 1 Part 2

... Strictly speaking, those stepmothers who begin to battle against the child as equals because children still and even at heart fight for the child`s father not as for the husband and as for the daddy is still florets. The real angry stepmother appears when the father weak sincerely who is not maintaining vital responsibility marries the strong imperious woman. Also transfers it all reins of government. Where the woman obviously or secretly operates the man, and there are real angry stepmothers. While the man for the public all the same as if the head of the family - well and so at us it is accepted. And this woman needs to prove constantly the power, to fight for the right to direct a family, to constantly confirm the right to be the head in this family. And such women most often show the force shout, abuse, and kicks in the address... children of this man. Thus they as if kick him, as if proving: and you to me will make nothing! And the man who is not seeking to clash actually with such wife (though she is also quarrelsome, but it is convenient to live with her), is wiped and is silent...

What association arises with

? Right. Tale of the Cinderella. In general this fairy tale is far not so simple too. Children often ask: “Why the father did not intercede for the daughter who was offended by the stepmother?“ . And that`s it therefore - did not want excess problems. It in - the first. And in - the second that the main thing, for certain this father grew up in a family, where mother was main, therefore he perceives the female management (to be exact - female dictatorship) as due. For certain and it had a rigid first wife and imperious. By the way, in some translations it is not said at all that mother Zolushki died. Like, once upon a time there was a forest warden, also he had a daughter... also it is possible to assume that mother of this daughter did not die at all, and just ran away, as they say, with the passable hussar, having left the daughter to the father not to tie to itself a hand.

But as the father after leaving of the first wife got used to the female management, it gradually began to make the head of the family... daughter. At least, began over possible to indulge her. Especially well it is felt in a song from our animated film about the Cinderella:“ And in the daughter he did not hope souls: for the girl of the darling and the sun shone, both the thrush sang, and the bear danced...“ In total for the child! And then, when he managed - to find the wife, same imperious to which got used (without having looked even that she has two children), to it will - bondage it was necessary to hand over the reins to the wife. So the main psychotrauma for the child was shift from a family throne...

A if to remember the Pushkin tale of the dead tsarevna? There where there was a father? Withdrew, being covered with imperial cares? Well and own saying doustranyalsya that the daughter was nearly exhausted in the wood... And motive “to take away the child in the wood and to leave on eating up to wolves“ is present at many fairy tales. That is the father is so killed by mother that already even does not object to such attack to the child... And even, guilty business, and at heart agrees: there will be no this child, other fathers consider, there will be no both conflicts, and problems, with him connected - we will begin to live supposedly peacefully and quietly... And if at Pushkin the stepmother charges to ruin the girl to the devoted servant, then in other fairy tales (for example, at brothers Grimm) the father takes away children in the wood. However, does not kill them and even does something that they survived... In general, so it also has to be. And business even not in father`s spinelessness. And in what does not leave the dependent, cowed people even of executioners of the presents.

the Global exit from such historically developed problem one: society should cease to gravitate to patriarchy and to allow, as the woman can be in the house a head. There are people (and many of them a male) who just on character are not capable to be chiefs, to bear responsibility, to provide protection... They do not fight for the power, and with ease concede it. And grant you to them such right. Do not call the man “the henpecked, myamly, the babsky flatterer, a mattress“ and so on: it is so convenient to them, and they so live. And the wife thus will not be forced to prove continually the right for the power in a family, will not torment and terrorize for the sake of it anybody including husband`s children.

As are told by many, “the female love of children is emotional“. But as it will seem to you strange - not the love, but the relation of a bit different sort is emotional...

If it is more important than

for the man whom it brought up, then for the woman it is important to whom she gave birth. (Therefore women draw on the birth at any cost genetically more often the child while husbands already agree to take the kid from orphanage). She feels Big Affection for the child born by it... But it is not maternal love! It if you want, a tsenimost of own work, the unconscious attitude towards the child as to a certain thing (for those whom the thing in relation to the child jars on application of the word, we will tell - to a certain subject), which she made! And with such work gave out in surrounding life! Often it is necessary to hear that the love of mother to the child of subjects is more, than it is heavier childbirth. Dependence such is, it is right, but not the love, but this animal attachment to result of the work, a tsenimost it is stronger than the made thing! Sometimes mothers speak: “I so expensively got it!“ Certainly, they mean and hardly the kept pregnancy, both difficult painful delivery, and the difficult postnatal period, and not just material inputs... Therefore they worry over such child, are afraid to lose him - but not from - for love, and from - for unconscious fear what then, God forbid, it is necessary to pass all these torments again, and at the same time what - everything is endured in vain? In the same way sometimes, we will tell the woman expensively the mink coat, the car or furniture get: saved up money, refused to itself everything, and in a deficit period many hours stood in a queue - and God forbid someone will steal or will spoil this thing! And if besides the thing is made with own hands, and the hard work is spent for it? Many heard that often it is very difficult for artist to decide to sell a picture for which many hours of work and inspiration are spent... Yes the same woman hardly washed floors in the house - and the husband goes in dirty boots, she to it what will tell? And even a rag will come around in a fit of temper - and all because someone spoiled its work. And the child - work immeasurably bigger, and in the conditions of our society where rare husbands help wives to divide difficulties of pregnancy, - often work only of one woman. Therefore it also trembles so for the child... And anything in such comparison there is no offensive. This natural phenomenon. Only it is not necessary to confuse this attachment to result of the work to love. This blind attachment forces mothers to hold the children about itself till an old age, without giving them to anybody, this attachment orders to drive away to mothers from children of potential spouses, depriving of the children who already grew up of own family happiness... This attachment - very dangerous piece if to confuse it to love (the love will not allow to hold the beloved child, depriving of him happiness). Thus it turns out that in a family where there is family physically to the woman children and so-called “summary“, nonnative it is simpler to escape from - under the “loving“ guardianship of mother and to find the life, the happiness - while the family all life will sit attached to a maternal skirt.

for

But at the same time it is not obligatory at all that the woman will be shpynyat other people`s children. If at her everything is all right with own self-assessment if it is psychologically safe and possesses rather mature mind - all children will get parental love (but not equally as each child - different, and it is impossible to love all equally). The main thing - to allocate children with love so that nobody felt a lack of love that nobody was deprived. However, for this purpose different children need different amount and quality of parental attention.

Therefore the second extreme - provoking of the competition between children. In aspiration to show that all are loved equally, parents begin to zalyublivat one child, another... thus the focus of love is constantly shifted, provoking children to fight for that parents eventually stopped on it. And as a rule, fight begins not opened again, and stealthily...

It often happens when parents (and not just mother, in this situation “other people`s children“ are not only at the woman) are not in very equal relations. And it seems to everyone that the spouse from revenge slights the “nonnative“ child. And mother begins to love defiantly the, and the father - the... (remember the same Cinderella: there was such mechanism of rise of daughters of the stepmother. Only the zashuganny father owing to the psychological weakness could not answer the same...) Of course, there are cases when children are cleverer than parents, and even such provocation does not break their created friendship... But alas, it happens seldom because it is very easy to provoke children to fight for domination if the prospect of such domination appeared in principle.

Strangely enough, the general children in a family where both parents have already children the personal, appear infrequently. Like, we already have children and age we already old cotton wool... (it is supposed that enter repeated marriage with children at all not teenagers, but people are more senior than thirty five - forty). And as a rule, the general child, despite living conditions and on age of parents, is born generally when the relations at these parents, frankly speaking, are under the threat of a gap. Already little unites them, and now as a reliable link they need the general child...

Yes, where parents just are not able to build psychologically the relations and it is frequent, having hardly departed from one divorce, get into a new preadjustable situation, the child is necessary also as the certain “proof of mutual love“. It begins to be squeezed and caressed strenuously: but each of parents thus proves another the love: here, look how I adore our child! And the senior children become thrown. Their appearance of the little competitor does not rally, and separates. And between children mutual reproaches begin: “If your father did not marry my mother, I would live better now!“ “Yes if your mother was not imposed to my father, and I would live better now!“ And so forth...

Of course, happens that the general child - casual, there. where parents not really - that care for contraception. Then it is, as a rule, for certain a large family - to tell more precisely, that megafamily about which we already spoke. And the born child does not become number the first, and takes the place corresponding to family hierarchy and the main thing - the senior children are not humiliated. Thus, from a megafamily is though some advantage.

Sometimes the child - a concession to the senior children who ask small if only not to feel small. But it is a trap for children: they with the birth of the child expect to become adults, and become... cowed and besides thrown. Moreover to them in any time do not trust small. Then they feel jealousy because instead of the importance of seniors they received abandonment superfluous, and and the most significant the child became main...

Certainly, I do not want to tell that in repeated marriages you should not give birth to the general children. First of all it is necessary to weigh properly everything - including that why for you this child was necessary! And if he was born - do not reject for the sake of him the senior children. At least, allow them to be senior really. Also do not think that the child of the spouse will surely do harm to your general creation. If you so think - means, something not as it should be in your matrimonial relations!