Rus Articles Journal

Mother, tell the truth!

About whether it is always necessary to tell to children the truth, our expert, the psychologist Igor Pavlov argues.

to Lie or not to lie to

- here in what a question... Sometimes to tell the child the truth really difficult. Especially if there was something unpleasant and we do not want to wound the kid, speaking to him about an event. It can be death of the loved one, disintegration of a family or, for example, the tragedy shown on the TV.

But also in more innocent situations adults quite often resort to lie in communication with children. Sometimes we do it and therefore that unpleasantly or painfully to speak to ourselves about something with the child, sometimes because it is convenient to us. And sometimes we lie on a habit that the child got rid with the “silly“ questions, did not get under feet or ceased to ache. So, having brought the kid in the morning into kindergarten, it is easier to tell it that it for only 5 minutes, than to find forces to explain that it will remain here for all day, and to help it to cope with experience of temporary separation. In some families deception of children becomes a usual thing. And very few people from adults think of to what consequences it can lead.

lie Aftertaste the Said lie leaves to

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a bitter deposit on lips at the parent and in soul of the child. And, even if it seems to us that it is “white lie“ or that the child will never guess deception, consequences anyway will affect ours with it the relations.

In - the first, the child sincerely trusts adults for the time being. But, if they abuse his trust too often, sooner or later he begins to feel when parents somewhere keep back or hide from it the truth. About it the famous children`s psychoanalyst Francoisa Dolto wrote that “in a family children and dogs always know everything, especially what do not speak about“.

In - the second, understanding that parents can deceive undermines confidence to them, and from now on the child with doubt begins to treat any words told by adults even if their validity is obvious. Such child will prefer to look for the truth and truthful answers to the questions outside a family next time - at friends, friends or other adults to whom he will trust more. In - the third, concealment from the child of the truth or default about any disturbing events the kid will not be slow to compensate by own imaginations. All children are beautiful inventors, and if they do not know something or do not understand, they conjecture it. For example, the small child from whom hid that the grandmother died of a serious illness easily can decide that the grandmother died because he did not obey her or insulted it shortly before her death. Some children`s imaginations and conjectures can do to the child a bigger emotional harm, than knowledge of the truth.

I, in - the fourth, deceiving the child, ourselves accustom him to lie. Our deception turns against ourselves when the child, growing up, prefers to hide from us the truth about that as well as where he spends free time what estimates he receives at school and what problems faces.

Slippery situations

“But actually happen situations when it is simply impossible to tell the child the truth!“ - you object. Let`s consider the most widespread of them and we will think how to remain honest with ourselves and with the child under any circumstances.

And Father Frost real?

About New year nearly two more months, but Father Frost`s image already gradually begins to fill children`s minds. Will come or will not come? Will present or will not present? Not all modern children selflessly wait for Father Frost and in general trust in New Year`s miracles. They most of all are occupied at this time by other question: “Exists or actually there is no Father Frost?“ Whether adults should insist in that case on existence of the kind old man with a bag of gifts? Innocent and very popular history: parents test a temptation to deceive children and to exploit Father Frost`s image, having forced well itself to behave in anticipation of New year.

But whatever tempting the idea calling Father Frost in allies in affairs of education of the child seemed to adults, should not be done it, as well as you should not insist on his existence if the child begins to doubt it.

All of us outgrow faith in Father Frost. The dethronement of this New Year`s myth brings someone disappointment and disappointment, and to someone from children allows to feel more adult. So be not afraid to be that person who will help the child to rise by a step above in the growing. Let the child know that, despite fictional character of Father Frost, it all the same remains the main symbol of New year for children and adults without which the holiday would not be such bright. And that about gifts, assure the kid that he will surely receive the New Year`s gift because to give each other gifts is an obligatory New Year`s tradition.

your mother already died?

When I worked as the psychologist in kindergarten, somehow time approached me the three-year-old little boy and asked: “And your mother already died?“ Some experience prompted to it that at most of adults parents sostarivatsya and die. Therefore, at me, on its logic, parents would already have to die. With a children`s spontaneity he decided to check right there the hypothesis, having asked me a question directly in a forehead. This boy in three years could speak quietly about death, understanding that people at the end of life leave us. Unfortunately, not all adults are ready to discuss also quietly with children the questions connected with dying.

When someone dies in a family or on a TV screen when from news we learn about massacre or acts of terrorism, we try in any ways to protect children from collision with death. But children reflect on death much more more often than it seems to adults. The most inquisitive of them begin to ask us questions in 3 - 4 years. Whether it is worth speaking in such cases with children about death? Yes. Especially if in your family someone from people close to the child died if the kid saw someone`s death on the TV and it haunts it.

But at the same time should not be spoken to

more, than the child wants to hear. It is the best of all for kids to explain what is death and why people die on concrete examples with animals, insects. And further it is the best of all to follow logic of inquiries of the child.

Of course, own curiosity of the child and the fact that he wants to learn about death can frighten him. But, if you competently construct dialogue, the child is not threatened by emergence of new fears. For example, if we speak with the child about the murder seen by it in the movie or shown in news always it is necessary to assure the child that it is in safety and that most of people will not do it harm around.

should not be hidden from the child At all if someone from family members died and people close to it. Excuses it seems “the grandfather left very far“ or “your aunt went to travel“ against the general mourning atmosphere reigning in the house will even more confuse the child. And for children there is nothing worse, than feeling of uncertainty and an innuendo.

the Child, as well as any adult, has the right to learn about death of the loved one and to endure the small grief.

This doctor will not hurt me? In the same kindergarten I observed more than once how mothers and teachers tried to persuade kids to descend in any ways on medical examination. If business reached an inoculation or blood test from a finger, then here the imagination of adults was in full swing. Said to children what the doctor not of an inoculation does, and “puts a watch on a hand“ that to take blood from a finger - it is like a sting of a komarik. Here these tricks did not affect only some children at all. These children in horror before doors of a medical office asked me: “And it will be very sick?“ What I had to answer:“ No, not really painfully. Only slightly - slightly. I am sure, you will manage to suffer“. Strangely enough, such words of some children encouraged much stronger, than tales of a watch and komarika. Why to the child it is important to p to know

what with it will be behind a threshold of an office of the doctor? In - the first, it reduces feeling of uncertainty which can frighten much stronger, than knowledge that you are waited by a prick or an enema. In - the second, having assured the child that it will not be painful to him at all, and even, maybe, and pleasantly, we risk to undermine strongly his confidence to us if the doctor hurts it or it is unpleasant. And, in - the third, as well as in any situation frightening the child, he has the most different imaginations into that account that expects it. For example, one boy, going to blood test, thought that from a finger will take away all blood from it, and he will die. Therefore with children it is important to say about what waits for them behind a door of a medical office and to try as it is possible to answer their questions more truthfully.

Be at loss for words corresponding to age of the child and the experience which is available for it. Compare, for example, pain which the kid should test from a prick, with something already familiar:“ It will be a little painful to you, but I am sure, you will be able to suffer as suffered that time when you cut to yourself a finger“. Do not abuse and do not shame the kid for tears or attempt to get away from the doctor. Admit to yourself that doctors sometimes hurt children, but it is necessary, and children have the right to be afraid of doctors and to cry. It will help you to be more honest with the child and to find for him the correct words.

And what is sex?

the Questions connected with sex begin to concern with

children long before approach of puberty at them. And, before passing, having matured, to “practice“, kids cannot wait to understand “theory“. But it speaks only about natural interest of kids in life in all its manifestations.

of 5 steps to communication without deception
  1. do not wave away from the questions of the child seeming to you untimely, difficult or unpleasant At all. Believe, children do not ask questions when they still psychologically did not ripen for this purpose. You should not get off with a joke or the phrase:“ You will grow up - you learn“. To wait until he grows up, the child will hardly become, and here to you already, most likely, will nevermore address.
  2. Be attentive
  3. to questions of the child and try to understand that he wants to hear in reply. Try to readdress a question to him and to take an interest that he thinks in this respect. Sometimes it turns out that the child already found for himself the suitable answer and it needs only your confirmation.
  4. you do not hurry to spread at once all information, begin with main and the simply, answer questions of the child it is dosed. If it is interesting to the child, he will begin to ask you still questions, and you, in turn, will be able to turn conversation into fascinating dialogue.
  5. you Treat each such situation as to an opportunity to make the relations with the child closer and open. Show it on own example that the trust is the most important between close people. Without fear to be punished or derided for the “wrong“ question it will grow at the self-assured and inquisitive person.
  6. be not afraid to ask questions to yourself and be not engaged in self-deception in those situations when something really goes not as it is necessary. When we are honest before by itself, we will always find the proper and correct words for the child.

Having heard this “forbidden“ word from the child, you do not hurry to wash to it a mouth with a laundry soap. Take an interest what sense it puts in it. Small children sex can call different things. Anyway, whether the child at your presence will blab out or directly will ask, it is a good occasion to talk to it. To talk without moralising and reproaches, without shame and deliberate disgust for this subject. However many was to the child of years, he always has the right to learn how it actually appeared on this light. And have to change - depending on age of the child - not our versions of birth of children, and words by means of which we will answer his intimate questions.

When the father will return?

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At divorce children suffer most. And not the fact of divorce, and concealment from it of information and pretense of adults can appear the most painful for the child.

met by

Ya children who sincerely trusted (not without the aid of the mothers) that their father is in business trip or somewhere still works and therefore he is out. Kids did not suspect that the father any more will never appear on a threshold of their house or will come to them now extremely seldom. They waited for it and more and more persistently asked mother questions - until they were not visited by a vague guess that they were left without father. Reaction to this opening happened the most unpredictable.

Of course, it it is sick and unpleasant - to say with the child that mother leave the father. It is very difficult to find at the same time proper words. But without it you will only give it the soil for the confusing imaginations. For example, the kid can imagine that the father left the house from - for the fact that he behaved badly - because children are inclined to take the blame in such cases.

Try to be truthful with the child and to explain to him that the father will live separately now that it is normal and that at many children parents live separately.

But should not be

too frank with small children and to tell them about what the father changed mother or drank. Perhaps, it will also become easier for you that you are uttered, but here to the small child such “truth“ can only do much harm. It it is possible to discuss the problems arising in the relations with children of middle school and teenage age and to count on their understanding.

to Preschool children and younger school students positive idea of the parents therefore dose the truth about divorce depending on age of the child is important to keep

. Sometimes better about something just to keep silent, than to deceive.