Mother and the stepmother (part 1) of
For certain many heard
about such grass: mother - and - the stepmother. But very few people know for what this grass nicknamed so difficult name. The matter is that if to consider the sheet of this plant from “a face and from a wrong side“, then it is visible that one party of a leaflet to the touch warm, tender, fluffy: it, is clear to all, - mother. And other, lower party if to touch it - cold, rigid and slippery (the truth, not prickly, but also on that thanks). It, properly to understand, - the stepmother.
Here such relation long since at our people was to the stepmother: pier, any always same cold, rigid and repellent... And therefore the woman who at will of destiny marries the widower or razvedenets burdened with children directly shudders from frequent jokes of friends: “Well, you become the angry stepmother?“ Yes why surely angry?!the Man who managed to seize to himself the child or feels by
in himself sufficient confidence in what will manage to grow up the child (as he speaks “Without women“, especially if it is the son), or... already for the period of divorce has that woman to whom will leave together with the child. And not so seldom there is a situation when presence of “the following wife“ is positive argument for court. And children remain to the father. But not each woman imagines rather distinctly as far as it is difficult: to be a stepmother...
Yes, the stepmother is an eternal negative character. We still will talk from where such opinion went, but sometimes this belief forces many women to hit in other extreme: in every way to try to prove that a set phrase “the angry stepmother“ is not about her. And that it is even better than the mother. What is called - wants to be svyaty the Pope. Also begins to zalaskivat the husband`s child, to allow everything to him, to load with presents and so on. The child right there feels that it is possible to ungirdle finally, and even begins to slight nearly specially the stepmother, to scoff at her. And the stepmother will be wiped and is silent: still, show it (especially now, after zalaskivaniye and zadarivaniye) though some severity in relation to this child, right there she will be reproached: “Well still - the stepmother!!!“
Of course, it is not necessary to start a situation to such an extent. Even if to you got to be a stepmother, it is not obligatory to bring itself to the child that is called on a silver platter at all. Even if you absolutely sincerely do not feed for it any rage and aggression. Show to the child better that you - that to him with with all the heart, but look at him: whether costs with it (or) to be on friendly terms with it? Provoke the child to that he tried to win (certainly, in good sense of the word) your love that you became for him the interesting personality, the friendship with whom should receive still. Certainly, here too you should not behave haughtily too - in general everything too in any situation badly.
But, alas, happens in a different way much more often: at the stepmother it is really had a grudge against the unfortunate child. And at the father or neighbors it with the child kind and tender, but once he appears alone... No, the modern stepmother most often does not beat the child (though, of course, it happens...) . Its arsenal, as a rule, is small meanness, dirty tricks and humiliation. So it turns out that the Russian folklore is right: a pier, most of stepmothers angry and artful is valid? Before answering this question, let`s understand why and for what the stepmother is angry with the innocent child? Because the answer is far not so simple here as it seems to you.
In most cases reason for everything immemorial question of the power. Often the second wife seeks to receive the power over the husband, and at the traditional attitude of fathers towards children it means to take away this power from the child. To be fair it is necessary to notice that the wives who are not burdened with intelligence and age, which in fact still children aspire “to the power“ in such family, as a rule. That is rivalry for the right to be the first number in a family turns into rivalry of two children... Similar women and the tool have impacts on the husband most often same, as at the child: whims and tears. And so, from - for this jealousy of the child the newly appeared competitor - the stepmother deals with him by methods of weak: that is works stealthily. Its purpose - not openly to sort out the relations, and to gradually exhaust the opponent (in this case - the child).for
And it is not obligatory at the same time at all that the father really considers the child in a family main! Here besides our double morals step on the stage, it only touches this time men. At us it is possible if tender feelings and love to the child are felt by mother. But if father... In that case by all means it is considered that for the father this child is main on light (even wives are more main, considers such stepmother). Namely it is also not pleasant to it. And it let`s fight for the superiority with all the might.
- In - the first to know to it that it is not obligatory for this father the child at all - the only light in a window that in his heart for certain there will be a place and for the new wife, especially if marriage came not from need and not out of pity, namely on love and a consent, and also on psychological mutual understanding.
- In - the second, it is never not necessary to compare two qualitatively different loves: to the woman and to the child! Even if the father considers the child by everything for himself, love to the wife - it as if other sort. And business even not in sexual relationship (any love in deep roots is based on the base of sexuality!) and that to different people - different love, and first of all - to the wife and the child, - of course, love different in a form and filling, but not by quantity.
Of course, many can give the return example: the pier when at the woman the child is born, often in her heart does not remain places for the husband... It is, I`m sorry, not love to the husband, his this perception as accessories to conception. And therefore it turns out: the child is given birth - the husband is not necessary any more... Therefore advice to potential stepmothers: before rushing to such family, be convinced that you are taken as the wife there (it is desirable for darling), but not with the purpose to obikhodit the child. Otherwise it can and turn out: the child obikhozhen - the love to the woman as superfluous ran low... Though, of course, it is necessary to take care of the child constantly. Therefore you can not be afraid and in this case, though not to hope for especially hot passion.
- I, in - the third: not so any stepmother struggles with the child for the power and for love of the man and father. That woman who possesses rather sober (I would tell “adult“ mind, let to her it is not a lot of years), who clearly understands that she in this family not the additional child, but the wife and mother who is not afraid to lose the importance and therefore does not feel need for constant self-affirmation - she will not need to become the angry stepmother. Therefore you should not invite to a role of the stepmother of unripe maidens, hoping that they owing to a small age difference will easier find a common language with your child...
Coming to a family as the stepmother, it is possible to encounter also more serious problems, than examination who for the man is more main. If everything was so simple!!! And here the problem is more difficult. When the child is small, often do not say to him that the new wife of the father - nonnative to it mother. Especially when mother either died, or left the father, having left him nearly chest baby (yes, it happens for various reasons, and it is not so rare). And the father, having married (sometimes hastily that the child did not know that he mother nonnative), says then to the child that it is his real mother. Whether it is correct? And with what it can be fraught for such new mother?
What there was told, but mother in the course of an obikhazhivaniye and education spends with children more time, than the father, and is often more significant for them. Therefore here the tragedy with the nonnative father when the stepfather is given for the father will repeat, is only many times stronger and more painful for the child. If in a case with the stepfather the child has only a feeling of deception (let strong, but only deception), then if he finds and will understand that for native gave nonnative MOTHER, then he right there will remember the myth about the angry stepmother and will consider that this woman not only all life lied to it, but also all life slighted him! Education - process rough, at each child is for what to take offense at mother even if she arrived quite fairly and reasonably. And then the fact that the child though hardly, but would forgive to the mother turns into deadly and blood offense, and even into a reason for a serious psychotrauma. Often children (already teenagers if they got to the bottom of an essence that mother not native) run from the house if only to escape “from terror of the angry stepmother“ which only asked the child to make lessons for tomorrow...
How to be? As well as in a situation with the nonnative father: not to hide the truth from the child, but also not to impose, constantly emphasizing that “this mother to you not native“. So too it is possible to achieve that the child in principle will cease to pay attention to it. Eventually, when the child grows in a family with the man and the woman, and will not come to his mind to find out, whether native to him these people by birth. He just calls them mother and the father (though often happens that the woman not the wife of the father, but the sister or other relative). And the woman who raises the child from the very first days feeds, dresses, warms, cares for him, this is, of course, mother.However when he will become more senior than
, he can tell that his other woman gave rise. It is not obligatory to say that she died if the mother is living: it is simple to tell enough that it did not have relations with the father and therefore it left. And that did not take with itself the child - means, on that there were reasons, so mother was sure that the father is better, than she, will protect and will grow up the child (here it is possible to palter slightly that the child had no impression that he was not necessary to mother). And if mother died, then, as blasphemously it sounds, it is simpler and simpler: to tell that there is no mother any more, and more senior children are driven sometimes also on mother`s grave (certainly, for small such shock is not obligatory). And the main thing - you do not transfer the adult complexes and fears to children. And when time will come - you can tell that it had TWO mothers. And by the way, it is not obligatory to use words native and nonnative at all - though they and are habitual in this situation, but one of them is obviously negatively painted, and the child will feel it. Therefore just tell that one mother gave birth to him, and another grew up. That`s all.