Little mother of
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“Developed“, “brought in a hem“ - these expressions already not in the course; but if in general the attitude of society towards illegitimate children in the 20th century cardinally changed, then in that case when young mother indeed is provocatively young - not reached majority, she most often will draw upon herself only condemnation.
it is paradoxical, however and here the public opinion does not remain invariable: modern society qualifies as anomaly what throughout centuries was considered as norm - early marriages and early motherhood; let`s remember how mother speaks to thirteen-year-old (!) Juliette: “Smaller years, than you, / Become mothers in Verona, / And I gave birth to you earlier...“the Public stereotype, probably, can be expressed to
so: the adult, mature woman, even if unmarried, “given rise for herself“, weighed the forces and opportunities and assumed responsibility for education of the child; to thirteen - the sixteen-year-old little girl “flew“ owing to the perversity, perversity and the child strives to mount upon a neck to parents now... Even if she also marries, readiness of the young father to divide with mother of care of the child can change little: unless the teenager is capable to provide a family!
These several years of a gap between achievement of various degrees of a maturity - physical on the one hand and social and intellectual - with another, have for teenage sexuality (and as its private manifestation - early pregnancy) nearly bigger value, than notorious “degradation of morals“, and a debt of modern society - first of all to comprehend this phenomenon as the serious social problem demanding comprehensive study and complex decisions.
About the reasons of emergence of teenage pregnancy, how to behave in this situation to children and parents, the psychotherapist, the psychoanalyst, the author of numerous publications on psychology, the author and the leader of the website on the Internet Nikolay Naritsyn argues.
In the social plan early pregnancy can call the fact of expectation of the child the minor girl. (Therefore this phenomenon more often call pregnancy teenage. ) But sharpness of a situation at all not that future mother did not reach official majority! Trouble in another: such pregnancy is in most cases caused by these or those problems of the girl or that Wednesday in which she lives, and, so is not directed for luck future child at all.
Why and why?
is considered to be that the tragedy of teenage pregnancy that the whole world (and first of all parents and society) turns away from the young pregnant woman. But actually this “world“ turns away from the girl much earlier, and if you want, pregnancy often happens a consequence of it, but not the reason!
Here the main list of reasons for such situation (I give them not in a statistical order, and just listing various options).
- Rape . It is necessary to notice that the most part of such rapes is made not by maniacs, but friends and acquaintances (sometimes mother`s). But even if the girl - the teenager fell a victim of attack of the stranger - that besides why she was, for example, one on street in late hour? She was turned out or she ran away from “homeliness“? Or the destiny of the daughter is initially indifferent for parents, and they did not train in her bases of safe behavior? Besides after rape necessary preventive measures - in many respects were not taken because the girl anyway could not tell parents about what happened to her...
- “Risky“ behavior . Often girls who “contact the bad company“ become pregnant. But the teenager gets to such companies besides because that, having become in a family and society lonely and rejected, begins, in - the first, to look for “understanding“ where it is only possible, and in - the second, unconsciously to choose the most risky (or as it is still told, suitsidalno directed) behavior type. And the girl spending time in such companies, it seems, already and not before preservation of the health and the life. Therefore she especially does not care for consequences of similar communication...
- Pregnancy out of ignorance . Quite often even in our educated girl`s century actually do not know that create. Often count on “more skilled“ partner, especially if to it 14, and to him even 16... And being provided in this question to itself, the girl will appear incapable to pick up effective remedies of contraception, will not connect with last proximity failures in monthly, and increase in a waist will consider as a sign of need to go on a diet... Therefore the “missed“ teenage pregnancies are a result of lack of the high-quality, thought-over sexual education, and including a possibility of dialogues on this subject in a family.
- the Pregnancy “planned“ . As a rule, the girl seeks to solve in such a way own psychological problems. In particular, to approve own value (“Nobody loves me, well so I to myself will give birth to the baby, he will love me“) or to express a protest against impetuous superguardianship of parents who, besides, psychologically do not hear it (“Mother, well how still to prove to you that I already adult and will drop down me to bring up?“). It is clear, that dialogue with use of similar methods is not constructive, besides the fact of pregnancy of such girl - the proof not of “maturity“, and it is rather an infantilism (she did not mature so yet to think of consequences of the actions and responsibility for them...) .
the Situation of early pregnancy quite can be called extreme (especially if the girl is forced to make the decision alone). And here, as in case of any danger, it is possible to make accurate recommendations, as to do properly.
- At suspicion to hope for pregnancy that everything will resolve, as we know, senselessly. It is better to see a doctor. If the doctor literally unconditionally orders “to come from a threshold with mother“ - it is necessary to look for other doctor. Certainly, will not carry out serious medical interventions without consent of parents, but the good doctor at least will find out a situation and will help the young patient to be trained for the forthcoming conversation with mother if without it it is impossible. By the way if the girl comes up against such situation that experts in principle trifle with it, moralize to
- , shame, humiliate, she can quite address to one of the crisis centers where work on this problem. You should not wait that there will solve for it how to be (yes it and it is not necessary), but here can promote in obtaining information for adoption of own decision there and have to. If pregnancy is confirmed to
- , then the destiny it should be decided in a complex. It is very useful to find out opinions not only the gynecologist, but also the therapist, the physician`s doctor - genetic consultation, the lawyer, the caseworker and the psychotherapist (or the psychologist). And it is important to find the consultants capable to take out the judgment based on the objective facts, but not on own beliefs. But even the most objective consultants all the same for certain will not agree in opinions! Everyone will adduce the arguments. And the girl`s task - to listen to everything, and then to weigh all pros and cons and to think properly most.
Alas, many young mothers by the time of the pregnancy for the present just did not learn to think and draw logical conclusions... As a matter of fact, early pregnancy - in many respects the proof and this fact. But intellectually to mature it is possible to begin and now - as they say, never late.
- At the accounting of all opinions needs to try to be excluded from “the list of experts“ of those who, without being a professional in the field, can frankly “press“ and force to make not the most adequate decision. It can be girlfriends, relatives, etc. And, as it neither is blasphemous and nor is sad, the most biased person in this plan can become... mother.
Little mothers and young grandmothers
Rare mother will treat the first minutes with pleasure to the fact that her young daughter is pregnant. In most cases aggression and charge will be the first reaction. But allow who should be accused here?
Perhaps, also it makes sense to look for guilty of this or that problem - but here it does not promote the solution of the problem at all. But if mother needs to find the guilty person (we will tell to splash out on him the aggression) - well, let mother will look in a mirror. As a rule, from mother`s inability to carry on dialogue with the daughter, from mother`s psychological illiteracy, because that she tries to solve the problems at the expense of the daughter and there is a psychological trouble of the girl which anyway provoked the fact of early pregnancy. And an event - the main proof that mother with the daughter has no mutual understanding, trust, common language. They are frankly foreign people and, perhaps, even in something hostile each other.
Moreover, aggression of mother quite often has also such unconscious implications:“ spoiled my property “, “ I am not ready to have grandsons yet as you dared to change something in the life without my consent“!Therefore if to daughters is in this situation recommended to begin
with visit to the gynecologist, then to their mothers is shown to visit the psychotherapist by all means in the beginning. Unfortunately, quite often mother`s arguments which are got up in the most decent clothes are based on its unconscious problems and complexes. Let`s tell if mother, despite of all objective data, without reflecting goes on “abortion and only abortion“ (even when terms do not allow any more) - it can be caused, for example, the same latent unwillingness to become the grandmother (if the girl of 15 years, then her mother only 35 - 40 became pregnant). Or otherwise:“ let my daughter never become a mother, let she will always be small, and I will be able to bring up all her life“ (it in that case when all self-affirmation of this mother - in her maternal role, and once the daughter becomes adult - mother loses meaning of life). And even so: “let doctors will hurt the daughter, will know how not to obey mother“.
But happens and so that mother persistently goes on “we will give birth“ - without watching neither at possible pathology, nor at psychological immaturity of the girl, nor even at that, for example, that pregnancy became result of violence... Here too the mother`s persistence is in many respects illogical, and, for example, the following latently can mean: “let my daughter will give rise, will tie to herself hands and will remain dependent on me forever“. Or:“ I will have an occasion to reproach the daughter with the child as the proof of the stupid thing done by her that dared to do anything without my permission any more“. And that in general mother suggests to issue from good motives future child as the - but by means of it “not sexual incest“ at heart wants to make the daughter the sister of own child (and to put both on one age level) in addition also to prove:“ you are my property, you can have nothing the at all, and your children mine too“.All this
, of course, sufficiently shocks, but for this purpose and it is recommended to mother to visit the psychotherapist to get rid of similar motivations - extramental and not promoting the reasonable decision in any way. And having exempted from similar “freight“, mother can (if wants) to become the close friend of the daughter. In general, as it is known, the extreme situation quite often pulls together its direct participants; certainly, the price to come not such for rapprochement of mother and daughter, but, as we know, - better late than never!