Expectation of happiness irritates with
what I intended to write for a long time, just now got a final form and is ready to pour out for a clean sheet of paper. I was helped with it by one fine photo seen by me in incidentally acquired fat photo album. Among one thousand other only it helped me to step over the invisible, constraining me barrier and to sit down at the computer. It does not make sense to describe it now, it is actually already unimportant. But I cannot but mention it.we will Tell
about feelings. About that separate layer of feelings which I devote to the firstborn - to Luka.
All - the fact that it turned out not as a result of a long and tiresome marathon with the constant and obligatory program, and is exclusively spontaneous also a such surprise, personally pleased me. I hate monotone and constancy of the events, all has to move, change, take bizzare shapes around. Only in it I feel quite at home. And suddenly this MMS. And my vital path once again wagged and went downhill. To walk it became easier and more cheerful with such freight recognized, the step became more, the smile is wider, eyes began to shine.
It is good that I can write it here. I very much am proud of the beloved wife, her call of duty and responsibility. Likely somewhere it passed a limit, and these feelings at it became ultraboundary, even after the child`s birth it is traced, but how without it?
it is Very important to understand life in himself and to follow that course which you chose. Also it concerns any situation. Let your choice will be true / wrong, but it will be yours. It will be your decision, your mistake or success, it will be because you are a man. How many I heard opinions about whether there have to be I at childbirth or is not present while made the way on a thorny road to the only to the right decision. I chose “has to“ and now I am not sorry about it at all.Chose
because felt responsibility.by
It was convinced of correctness of this decision because already now Luka perceives me as very loved one, and this communication arose then when he felt me near himself, on an equal basis with mother. And protection became double, and to it it became quieter at once.
When we came to the first ultrasonography, and the doctor showed us on the screen of the monitor of the one who creeps now, rows, smiles, sleeps, mutters, slobbers, eats, walks, craps and delights, - I began to cry with happiness. Nobody these got down did not see, I cried “in myself“, but it was sincere.
during the second ultrasonography tenderness to that little man who hiccupped in mother came to my heart.
Third was formality as Luka saw the light a bulb in delivery room practically at once behind this visit. Also the circle ended with my tears again. Also new life began: its, its, my.
that night I slept peacefully very much, nothing dreamed me, the brain was serene. And then the soft voice of the wife woke me and reported that it is time. I did not worry, I knew that ahead a long distance which we will cover together and slowly. Only it is necessary to take a hot shower. Without it I become clockwork and I feel uncomfortablly. I will better refuse to myself a cup of tea since morning, than I will lose the hot streams with all the heart massing my nape.
A then my body turned into a vessel with crystal-clear air, I it seems as drove, and itself soared nearby. Feeling of the total ease and understanding of full readiness. Then I could do everything!
About 12 hours. Corridor, corridor, corridor. Rodilka. Corridor, corridor, corridor. You do not pay to anybody attention, nobody on you turns attention. Condition of a complete outrage of my consciousness. I support the wife who has fights, we go along a corridor, and around... Here the sister shows to future parents chamber... Here couple of mothers with “aquariums“ in which their offsprings are covered from public eyes... There is elder sister: “How are you doing?“ - “Normally!“ - “You Consider?“ - “Yes!“ And at such moment you suddenly understand all ordinary of such solemn event. And it helps to overcome the next hours.
shared a plate of porridge With me while mother had a rest and saved forces for the last breakthrough. Called the woman in labor, put on an allowance, and I ate this wheat porridge. The first food in a day! Also you know, it was tasteless. Neither porridge, nor a roll with warm oil, nor hot tea. I hurried, I had to be near and help, help, help. And when you hurry, the food always seems tasteless. It disturbs.
On courses of future parents I incidentally saw this photo. Cool, uncorrected light, yellow which presses on pupils of your eyes. In the foreground just been born baby. And the background fills mother`s silhouette. In total in its pose says that even the last forces left it. Here then I understood as far as it is heavy.
Ya was afraid of abundance of blood. I imagined quite so this process. But its all was not and was not. Then I was afraid to see emergence. Step-by-step. Also behaved as the child who is afraid, but will surely spot. And I peeped, saw a chubchik of hair. And then was frightened and turned away. It is my small skeleton in the cupboard which I just got and showed you.
Just this lump was got and put to mother on a breast, and I have a head - one big pulsing vessel. Still slightly - slightly - and I will explode. I just gave rise in the true sense of the word. She made an effort, I made an effort. It with a force grabbed everything, and I caught. It in exhaustion and shock stayed, it was more difficult for me. The pleasure was the first 7 seconds, then all pulled hard. I wanted to sleep.
Mother was taken away. Made calls. And now I one in chamber, on hands happiness lump very quietly snuffle, and I protect it. It is necessary to sit down so that it was inconvenient. So there are less chances to fall asleep. I continue to fight. And I win so far. I do not want to sleep!
Epilogue. New life appeared, cried and informed on the right.