Rus Articles Journal

Loss of

A little with whom it is possible to discuss this subject. “Abortion“ - and the word - that some unpleasant as though it is not about the died future child, and about something inanimate, or about process. But many women have this burdensome experience and how to speak about it are it is unknown.

the Abortion happens to

for various reasons: hormonal failure, genetic disorder, the most severe stress, sudden illness. But the horror which covers the pregnant woman when she feels sharp pain sees blood and learns that her not born child is absent any more - it identical at all. Even if pregnancy was unwanted even if the abortion was provoked, all the same, loss is loss. Depth and power of emotions, but not their quality can differ. And further experience of the woman develop under the universal law which is called “experience of a loss / trauma“.

At first it is shock and a complete negation:“ No, it cannot be, I do not want, no, only not it!“. Normal this stage takes several minutes. If more - there is “jamming“, the woman can resist assistance, insist that nothing happened. It manifestations of a state of shock, doctors usually stop it sleeping pill injections.

the Following stage - an active, sharp grief. At this moment relatives should try to abstain from a consolation, to allow to prorydatsya, express the grief in tears and words. Unfortunately, in our culture traditions of joint grieving when crying and grief are supported by relatives are almost lost. The simplest - to be nearby, to assent, cry together - to mourn loss. Instead the family begins to calm the woman, interrupting strong emotional reaction: “Calm down, all will be good, you still young, will give rise still. Yes it in general was not the child absolutely, so, the pea, without microscope not to make out!“ . But for unaccomplished mother this lump of slime was already allocated with all qualities of the living child, dreams and expectations were connected with it, for it the name was already thought out, gifts and joint walks were drawn. And now it is absent, and any more will never be. This very strong and tragic experience of death, what could be, but did not happen. And telling consolatory words, the family, actually, depreciates both loss, and feelings of the woman about it.

Irina, lost the long-awaited child on the term of 8 weeks:“ For me reaction of the husband and mother-in-law was the strangest. They in general did not react in any way. As though nothing happened as though this child had no relation to them. I cried day and night, the husband consoled me as could, but itself, appear, did not worry absolutely. It was his first child, and as then it became clear, he was just not reached that the word „ means; abortion “. And the mother-in-law was on drugs after a stroke, and little interested her in the outside world. But for me it was wild and offensive“.

the grief cannot Sometimes break through cultural or family bans, the woman becomes “frozen“, detached, indifferent. Such state is much more dangerous than any open manifestation of feelings. That is it is better when the woman cries and complains of injustice of destiny than when it silently lies, having turned away to a wall. It is good to help it at this moment in any way to begin to cry. It is sometimes rather simple to sit silently nearby.

After sharp grieving there comes the stage of acceptance and a depression. The woman reconciles to the fact of loss of the child, but continues to mourn it, though is less strong. Sometimes in this period of the woman speak about change of speed of a current of time, all as though is slowed down, and life flows by as through fog, sounds reach deafly. Intensity of experiences and their duration depends on on what term there was an abortion, and also how many sincere forces were put in the imagination about the child as far as we mean it was for mother. If this stage drags on longer, than two - three weeks, it is extremely desirable will ask for the help the psychologist or the neuropathologist.

Superstrong or incomplete grieving can become an obstacle for the subsequent pregnancies, the fear again to endure pain of loss can block conception and be one of the reasons of psychological infertility.

of One of specific reactions to any loss is sense of guilt before the one who left. At the rational level all of us understand that all of us, for example, cannot regulate randomly the hormonal background, but powerful sense of guilt - that could not, did not save, did not cope - floods everything.

Karina, the third not developing pregnancy:“ Though I also did not want this child, at some moment I had just a hysterics: that for life such silly that we cannot give birth to all the children. And why I have on it no forces? He, probably, wanted to be born at us, and I could not hold him. And as ill luck would have it - where you will not look, advertizing of children`s goods everywhere, down the street one pregnant women walk, two girlfriends pregnant. I feel the guilt all the time: did not hold, could make effort - and did not want“.

At men experience of an abortion happens suppressed, they “keep“, do not give the emotions, but they can be shown in dreams, in unexpected tears at the sight of advertizing of baby food, in inflow of tenderness to children. But sometimes the husband feels rejected, especially, when after surgery prescribe couple “sexual rest“. In the Russian tradition of men in general try not to devote in a detail of female internal life, here and there is a confused and unfortunate father who is not really understanding what occurs, too feeling the guilt, he is angry because he can help nothing. At this moment spouses need very to support each other and to speak about everything that occurs:“ To me it is awfully sad, stay with me! You are not guilty of anything - and I too. Let`s forgive ourselves and we will live further“.

After the happened misfortune there can pass some time, sometimes quite long before couple ventures repetition of experiment with the child`s birth. There can be any “objective“ circumstances interfering conception: this month I was ill, and in the following the husband went to business trip just in the period of an estimated ovulation, or spouses quarrel, apparently, from scratch.

This couple came to me to reception after the abortion which followed for difficult and the EKO expensive procedure. “Is closer to both of them to 40, than to 30“, they promoted, endured stains in the first, student`s marriages. They are lost and angry: as so, they so tried, all made correctly, paid a lot of money. It seems that for them the child - one of business - tasks. But their grief is sincere, and with each other they address very carefully, tenderly, support and console.

Ya gave them exercise in equipment of projective drawings. The result was unexpected: it became clear that both of them... are afraid to lose love and attention of the partner. That is the child in their conjoint relations is subconsciously perceived as a hindrance, the competitor, practically, as the younger brother or the sister.

to us managed to state and work their feelings, difficult for discussion. They assured each other that their mutual love is invariable, and the child`s birth will only pull together and will strengthen their family. I asked them to draw the picture “Our ideal family“ - peculiar “programming on success“.

In the following cycle they repeated attempt of EKO. Now their twins are one and a half years old.