“Cold war“. The conflicts of the son-in-law and mother-in-law of
to Tamara 25 years, she is married two years, and now they with the husband Boris wait for the birth of the kid. Young spouses from the first days of marriage live together with Tamara`s parents as the big three-room apartment is located in the downtown, it is very convenient to reach work. Tamara`s mother, Tatyana Petrovna, tried not to interfere with life of a young family, besides and it had enough affairs: it actively worked. The situation changed when Tamara became pregnant, and mother retired. The relations between the mother-in-law and the son-in-law began to change and, unfortunately, not to the best.
- Tomochka, you know, it is not pleasant to me that your husband... - there began Tatyana Petrovna.
Tamara frowned. Already several weeks she several times a day heard this phrase from the mother. What this time?
- your husband left a dirty plate on a table again. Really he does not understand that now it is more difficult for you to clean up? - mother continued.
- Mother, my pregnancy is only eight weeks, I feel well, and it is not difficult for me to clean a plate, - Tamara answered.
- And when the kid is born, so for the husband and you will go? Almost does not clean ware, washes even less often. Scatters clothes. It, of course, quite good, but if now you razbalut, then you namuchatsya, - with a sigh mother told.
- I speak to it sometimes... - there began Tamara.
- And you, the daughter, speak to a thicket. The husband should be brought up, - Tatyana Petrovna finished.
Tamara sat having reflected. Of course, mother is right that Boris could be accurater. But mother`s claims were not limited to it. He did not greet since morning, “not so“ answered a question or looked., It seems, anything special, but tension was felt. Tamara thought:“ It is necessary to tell it at least about cleaning, but to say that it I am dissatisfied, I do not want. Suddenly he will take offense at me? I will tell it like it is, on behalf of mother“.
- Borya, mother considers that you too often forget to clean up ware, do not wash it, scatter clothes. Mother says that it will be more difficult to me to clean up for you soon, - Tamara told the husband somehow in the evening.
- you Know, you not the first time transfer me words of your mother. One not so, another. What for constant cavils? - Boris`s voice was intense.
- But it is the truth. You are not always polite with mother and with cleaning she is right, - Tamara told.
Ya I try to be polite, but what she constantly criticizes on some trifles, irritates me. And why she tells all this to you? Why she will not tell it to me directly? - Boris asked.
- Likely, does not want to spoil with you the relations, - it is conciliatory Tamara told.
- Means, it cannot tell, and through you to transfer - can?! So it, so does not spoil the relation?! Yes it spoils in this case not only the relations with me, but also ours with you! You did not think of it? - sharply the husband told.
- But what to do? - Tamara asked.
- I do not know what to do, same your mother... - Boris answered.
Tamara was upset. The subject of cleaning was forgotten, and did not agree about it, but almost quarreled.
- Mother, I talked to Borya, and he told that you carp at it and that, transmitting something through me, you spoil not only the relations with it, but also between me and it because after my messages from your name we quarrel, - Tamara said.
- Ah so? Means, he will behave so, and I and words do not tell? Nevertheless he came to live to us, but not we to him! - indignantly Tatyana Petrovna exclaimed.
- Mother, but it does nothing bad! On the contrary, he works, makes good money, we a lot of new to the house bought. And remember how it at the dacha helped you in the summer? And houses if something breaks, will always repair, - Tamara adduced arguments.
- All the same, it has to respect more us. You remember how he decided to change a plate, and did not consult to us at all? - mother told.
- You remember several months this plate. And our absolutely old was, the furnace in it it was impossible. And this modern, convenient. So in what business? - Tamara exclaimed.
- Well I do not know... All the same, if something is not pleasant to me, I will tell you. And you somehow delicately report to it, - it is almost conciliatory Tatyana Petrovna told.Tamara was upset with
. What to do and to whom to talk? And here to it came in go - thought to ask fishing this question on the Internet on one of the websites for parents on which it was registered several months.“ Really, - Tamara thought, - likely many young women got into such situation“.
Having created a topic, Tamara began to wait for a response with interest. The subject was burning for many. A large number of women admitted that too live in a similar situation. Tamara cheered up at once: means, not one it experiences such difficulties! Advice which she got were the most various:
“Do not pay attention, be not upset, you the pregnant woman“.
“Do not try to reconcile them, probably to them and it is so good“.
“Talk to the husband, it really has to improve, and mother is right“.
“Talk to mother, she should not behave so, and the husband is right“.Tamara finally got entangled with
from such abundance of inconsistent opinions. But nevertheless one council pleased it:“ You should not act in a role intermediary all negative on both sides goes on you. And you receive a double portion. Remember that you, in - the first, are pregnant and they have to protect you. And in - the second, they are adults and if to them is what to tell each other, let speak directly or are silent“. Tamara thought that she and will arrive.
- Tomochka, you know, it is not pleasant to me that your husband... - there began Tatyana Petrovna.
- That this time, mother? - Tamara asked.- you Present to
, asked to take out its bucket, and he as though did not hear. And again left paste opened, and it dries up. You talk to it, - mother told.
- you Know, mother, I will not transfer anything to it. If to you is what to tell, then tell it to it, and I abandon the role of “intermediary“. It, except harm, brings nothing to me: I strongly worry and I quarrel almost every time both with you and with the husband. And I need especially to think about sincere health now, I wait for the kid, - Tamara surely said.
- Means, my opinion means nothing to you? - with offense Tatyana Petrovna said.
- Of course, your opinion means to me much. But I have also the opinion. If I consider something as a problem, I will talk about it to Boris, and on its own behalf. If to you is that to tell it, say itself, - Tamara once again emphasized.
Of course, mother went several days beetle-browed. Changes happened not at once, several times Tatyana Petrovna tried to begin the same talk, but Tamara kept with firmness. Tension in the relations with the husband began to decrease. From mother almost died it is heard small cavils, probably, she not could overcome herself and to speak directly or maybe in such situation counted true preservation of good relations more important.
And what the psychologist thinks?
People quarrel and make each other a claim because their outlooks on life in something do not coincide or because there is no personal sympathy. In usual life such people quietly disperse, and the conflict is exhausted in itself. But often such two persons live in a family and “are fastened“ by someone the third who unites them. In our history “contradictory“ the parties is mother of the woman and her husband. Both of these persons love it as the daughter and the wife and therefore are forced to communicate among themselves even if are each other not too pleasant. And, unfortunately, they choose it for a role of “transmitter“, being covered with light idea that do not want to spoil with each other the relations, and she allegedly will be able to transfer discontent from one to another somehow in a special way delicately.But in this situation “transmitter“ really suffers from
more than others. Our heroine over and over again got both negative charges: one from mother, another - from the husband.“ Transmitters“ often have sense of guilt before both parties, thinking that they are responsible for the fact that dear people cannot find a common language. “Transmitters“ think:“ Both of them address me because only I can settle the conflict, But I cannot, tension is multiplied“. They desperately want to reconcile them but all attempts are vain as the way (information transfer from one another) is absolutely inefficient.
In a situation when you got to a position of “transmitter“, are most often used three main strategy, each of which has pluses and minuses.
First: unconditional acceptance of a position of one of them. In this case it is necessary to solve the relations with whom for you more important: with mother or with the husband, and after that to support a position of the one whom you chose even if you consider that he is not absolutely right (“Caesar is right because he is Caesar“). Strategy this initially losing as on whose party you got up, claims will not stop, and will only amplify. For example, you will support the husband, his position will be supported with your support, respectively, also reciprocal aggression from mother will amplify. If to remember that all of you still in the middle, the picture will turn out sad. Moreover, if to side with mother, the hardware of the husband can be lost.
Second: ignoring. You can listen to arguments both, but not enter polemic and not transfer information. It is possible (and it is necessary) to distract, count about itself to hundred or to sing a song. At the same time it is necessary to pretend that you attentively listen. This way is suitable for those who not too worry from - for occurring and do not do from this a problem. This way, most likely, will lead to the fact that contradictory will abate, having understood that information further you does not leave anywhere. But the option when they treble efforts is possible and all - will involve you in the conflict and will force to worry.the firm position of non-interference needs to adhere to
Third: to remain on own party. For this purpose you have to have a set of own “measures and scales“, and also the independent principles which you will estimate the relations of mother and the husband. If in any situation your opinion coincides with opinion of one party, you can tell it about it. If you consider that they are not right both, it is better to speak about it openly. This strategy demands bigger firmness and even a courage time, but it is worth it because in long-term prospect it bears positive fruits.
On own party
How to realize the third strategy? Of course, here it is possible to make several recommendations.Be exempted by
- of from sense of guilt. The fact that two adults cannot communicate directly and choose for themselves the easiest way - information transfer through you, is their problem. You are not guilty that they cannot or do not wish to agree directly. Do not undertake too heavy responsibility. you Tell
- on its own behalf. If you consider part of their claims to each other fair and they are also a problem and for you, then speak about it, but only on its own behalf. To you it is not necessary to refer in conversation with mother to opinion of the husband, and in conversation with the husband - to opinion of mother. It can only block rational conversation, having transferred it to protective aggression. Suggest to discuss
- directly. If to them is what to tell each other - let speak about it openly to the one to whom claims are addressed. They will try to convince you to remain the transmitter, but it is necessary to adhere to a firm position of non-interference. However, you can report about what your view of a situation previously. But it has to be your own opinion, but not just a position which is more favorable at present.
- Show hardness. If they seek to continue to use you as “transmitter“, it is necessary to tell mother firmly: “He is my husband, I love it it what it is, and I do not wish to hear more about it bad“. The husband should be told:“ She is my mother, and I love it such what it is, and I do not wish to hear more about it bad“. These phrases will not work from the first as during the conflict of the party are morally depreciated in the opinion of each other. But gradually they will learn to respect each other through you.
So, you are “link“ for conflicting parties. And therefore your relation to the events, and also truly chosen strategy of behavior can help the conflict if not to be resolved then to cease, bearing peace of mind which is so necessary for future mothers!