Children personal and others`
Marriages break up, children remain. Whether they live with us or leave the house with the new husband or the wife, they set to us difficult problems. How to improve the relations with the husband`s children? What to do if the child flatly refuses to accept the stepbrother? Whether it is possible to punish foreign child if he is really guilty?
Mother under control
“We got divorced from husband 4 years ago. Children (the son, 11 years, and the daughter, 8 years) during divorce were completely on my party, they knew that their father left to another. But over time they cooled down and even learned to receive benefit from current situation. The father usually allows everything to them, gives expensive gifts and carries to have a good time, and I too strict . If I punished for bad notes, the father gives consolatory gifts etc. But recently I met the remarkable kind man. We love each other, and my children in every possible way oppose to these relations. At first they did not let me on appointments and if I went, called each 15 minutes. After my return stuck with inquiries. When it came to us home, refused to leave the room. I would like to marry, but I am afraid that my second marriage will become for them blow and will not bring me happiness...“
Situation quite usual. Children of divorce are (without volition) often forced to make the choice for one of parents that causes in them feeling of hopelessness, loneliness and even exasperation. It seems to them that they were betrayed therefore reach for the person who has similar feelings, side with the offended and left spouse. However there passes time, and current situation does not seem such terrible any more, and the flexible children`s mentality finds ways to adapt to new circumstances and uses them in own favor. Most often in these conditions it is necessary to face a children`s manipulation and even blackmail. Let`s sort the main problems which the divorced mother who seeks to begin new life faces and again to establish a family.
- of the Child compares parents and forces everyone to dance to his tune. Try to reflect how there was a tendency to manipulation? Perhaps, you or the spouse distances to children an example of the similar relations when used them as a change in a divorce situation?! Explain to the former spouse that rassoglasovanny actions do sometimes to children more harm, than excessive severity or excessive softness. Take for the rule: if children need permission to something, it is necessary to get permission from each of parents. Then instead of a maniple - a rovaniye you they will look for a way to convince both. You do not speak to children badly about other parent at all. Never allow children to gossip and discuss with you other parent. The child can only share what feelings he has, but not to complain of “bad mother“ or “the cruel father“.
- the Child opposes to the new relations and controls mother. Rigid control from children is most often connected with selfish desire of full possession of mother (or the father).
Growing, such children begin to impose similar requirements already to the spouses, forcing those to refuse own career, interests and friends that inevitably leads to the conflicts and a gap. Talk to children about the love to them. Try to explain to children that your relations with them and the relations with men are two different things. You have full authority to be happy. But never tell children of a detail of the meetings. Reporting to them, you as if let them in the relations with an opposite sex. And for safe development of children “the door in a bedroom of adults has to be closed“.
If children begin to lay down conditions, explain to them: you have friends and girlfriends, and it does not prevent you to love at the same time and mother too.
- the Child threatens to leave to other parent. Wonder whether the child is angry, whether tries to offend you thus? Or perhaps he wants to avoid homework performance? Whether really he considers that in the house at other parent it will be better for it? Discuss a situation with the child, and then tell:“ Well, you can leave, but you can always return“. And always answer quite so - thereby you force the child to think of gravity of this step. Agree with the former spouse about that, to arrive properly in a similar situation. Let the child will have keys from the house of mother and from the house of the father that it did not remain on the street.
- Parents are afraid to enter into the personal relations with other person for fear that to the child from it it will become worse. you are simply obliged to think of a new family. It not only will not do much harm to children, but also will give the chance to understand that divorce is not a doomsday yet. If you feel need for the new relations, do not think of the child, as of a hindrance. On the contrary, yours optimism and openness will become a good example of cheerfulness for children. Having refused something for the sake of children, many parents form then at them sense of guilt for uncomfortable private life.
the Lack of love
“We live three together: I, my child from first marriage (the daughter, 3 years) and the common-law husband. Seemingly well, but it has no love to my child. Can play, but one with it will not go for a walk when I need to make a lunch, for example. I love the young man, but also the daughter still requires a lot of attention“.
“To the daughter is 8 years old, with her father I lived long, divorced only two years ago. And married the childhood friend a year later. As he was in our house and knows the daughter, they always had good relations. Yes they and now such, the daughter reaches for it, with it it is interesting to it, with it would talk to pleasure, but... Having become the stepfather, it stopped being it the friend. Began to bring up it, and it, in its understanding, means bans, restrictions, requirements. Constantly shouts at it, does not hesitate to call her the silly woman. I see that it is not right that the girl needs a praise, encouragement and support. The husband wants peace, the second child too. And I as will present in what these bans of years through six can pour out... It is good if in revolt and roughness and if in drug addiction?“
the Man marries the woman because he loves it, and not so her child, besides given rise from other person. Of course, the kid, it seems, not the stranger, he part of the beloved with which there is a wish to cast in the lot. But the child takes away too much time and attention of the mother, and the second spouse appears in a situation left. The rare man can accept the child from other person as the, and it is impossible to demand it from him.
As a rule, the woman waits that the husband will come into contact with the child and if it is impossible, the spouse begins to blame for it. But quite naturally that the stepfather himself also is afraid of the relations with the stepson or the stepdaughter, and the additional pressure of the wife leads to the conflicts. Look for a common ground. Intuitively each woman can find the, individual approach to both parties. Allocate time which you will spend only with the child and only with the husband. In general, any changes in life have to be gradual and timely, only then they will cause resistance minimum - it the rule concerns also building relations in a new family.Allow children to express to
- of the feelings. do not criticize and do not force them to show care of new family members. Try to understand a condition of children instead of saying that they cannot experience similar emotions.
- do not hesitate to show warm feelings to each other in the presence of children , let them see how their father or mother with the new spouse are happy. But be not overzealous in this question - children should not witness your intimate life.
- Start as much as possible new traditions for a new family: arrange joint campaigns, walks, holidays. Allocate to each child own space and define accurate duties.
- Expect attempts to manipulate you from children. Let them know that they are loved and appreciate, but that they should not adjust you against each other. Tell the child: “I know, it is heavy to you to accept the new person in our family. I understand that you feel angry and offended“. Once the child can tell
- in anger to the stepfather (stepmother):“ I hate you. You to me not native“. do not perceive these words too close to heart. Even the own children sometimes tell similar to the parents.
- do not force children to call new parents mother or the father. But if they began to do it, accept such gesture with gratitude.
Brothers and sisters
“To our marriage are nearly five years. My husband has an ex-wife with two children. One child - already the student, the second - at school. It seems, both money, and communication with the father is enough for children. And here with the ex-wife it is slightly more difficult as she has conservative views and still considers that the father of children has to live with a family . And now we expect a baby. And I reflected: whether it is necessary to inform the ex-wife? Whether it is worth saying to children that they will have a brother or the sister soon?“ >
it is difficult to p to imagine a situation in which the ex-wife who remained to bring up one two children kindly would treat emergence in the former spouse of the child from other woman. If own private life remained uncomfortable, foreign happiness will especially painfully wound. Besides, appearance of the small child means that the ex-husband will spend less money for children from the first wife. Opinion that the father has to live with a family and raise the children, from the point of view of the children`s psychologist, it is absolutely justified. The child needs the father whom it is possible to address at any time which lives nearby, loves mother, helps about the house and the daily actions sets an example of how it is necessary to live in this world.
If to the man manages to keep after divorce cordial relations with children, he has to report to them and the ex-wife that he expects appearance of the kid. At the same time it is necessary to understand that this situation is a trauma for the child. Therefore the father has to explain to the child that he will love him irrespective of how many children at it will appear. And for this purpose it is necessary to convince the child of his originality:“ I will have a kid, I love him very much too, but I love you longer. And so will be always“.
I be not upset if everything turns out not at once and not as there was a wish. Children`s jealousy - an everyday occurrence and in a full family, between brothers and sisters.
“I am a widower. I have two children, the boy and the girl, to them for 7 years now. Recently I married the beautiful woman whom very much I love. At it is 8 - the summer son. Our children not really well get on, and the stepson just does not take out me and revenges for it to my children. It offends them, does small dirty tricks, tries to pin up mean jokes etc. When children complain to me, and I try to talk to the boy, the wife rises in his defense, already several times punished my children. All this strongly complicates the relations between me and the wife. We often swear, and then we cry and we apologize each other because we understand that children just manipulate us, they want that we dispersed“.
Most often fights between stepbrothers and sisters arise because of rivalry for attention of native parents. Protecting someone, adults only provoke further fights. Therefore if a fight or the conflict arose, do not accept anybody`s party. Use a method a time - a miss. By a quiet and equal voice tell children: “You will disperse on the rooms now and will be there until you calm down and will not be able quietly to discuss everything“.
to avoid a manipulation you by means of fights, leave the room, children want to involve you in a fight. Never compare children! Phrase: “Look how well it was made by your brother“, - causes desire to destroy what that made in the child. Also start tradition when you can stay with each of children alone and discuss the things which are most concerning them. Allocate separately “father`s“ and “mother`s“ time.