Gift of belief
Each of us has own point of view on many facts of life. Also it is necessary to inform of this point of view people around. But if over and over again something disturbs you in it? Whether it is possible to learn receptions of effective belief?
of Belief and disputes are a part of communication of each of us. We face it repeatedly every day: in communication with the family, at education of children, at work, with friends and acquaintances, and at times and strangers. Someone tries to convince us, we try to convince someone... Sometimes we argue own point of view, and sometimes we try to motivate people to make as we offer. Both protection of own opinion, and its active advance - all this parts of uniform process of belief.
Unfortunately, we often face unscrpulous receptions of belief, manipulations, and it is necessary to possess sufficient skills not to give in to them, having defended own opinion. Also frequent problem - inability to express the point of view, to convince of it people around for the sake of advantage of common cause. For example, you possess art taste and could try to convince the family that your option of registration of an interior is better, but or do not do it, or your arguments are not heard. Or, for example, by preparation of the project at work you quite could make several offers rationalizing process, but... alas and ah! The idea which you did not say was voiced later by your colleague, both a position of the project manager and salary increase got not to you again.
people to whose gift of belief people around are surprised Are. They often do not even need to get into dispute, their argument is so harmonous that agree with it without objections. Over and over again nothing is impossible to others. So in what the reason?
of the Error of self-confidenceAlbyn`s
- the bright and active woman, but she admits that it is difficult for it to convince of something others. For her fellow workers and girlfriends the moments when Albina tries to convince them of something, beginning from the choice of cafe to financial decisions, become test. Albina literally flies on them, arguments pour so quickly that interlocutors do not manage to hear them. Albina speaks categorical tone as though everything is already solved. And often she hears a consent with the arguments... which, however, remains only words. whether
you Thought of the fact that it is difficult to excessively self-confident people to reach mutual understanding with others including to convince them of something? Often interlocutors externally agree with the adduced arguments if only to stop their stream, but the result shows: arguments did not give the real effect.
In a dependence situation (“the chief - the subordinate“, “the husband - the tyrant - the subordinated wife“) it, perhaps, has no crucial importance because everything will be executed. Here it has no relation as in fact is the order only to belief. The situation of belief comes in that case when interlocutors are at “one level“, or convincing - below (according to the status, age, situation). And in this situation excessive self-confidence - a hindrance to communication.Self-confident people are often aggressive
in communication and allow so on - zyvayemy are conflictogenic - words, actions which not only prevent to convince, but also provoke the conflict where it could not be. However, use of konfliktogen (conscious or unconscious) is a frequent hindrance at many people, and not just at self-confident persons.
to All who try to convince others of the correctness or want that his idea was embodied needs to avoid the following mistakes...
... direct manifestations of superiority: orders, threats, ironical remarks, direct sneers, jeers, sarcasm.
... indulgent relation: “Well as it is possible not to know it?“, “To you speak plainly“, “It seems the clever person, and you behave...“ etc.
... boastings: “I had a similar problem, and I perfectly coped with it“, “I have a sharp mind, all speak about it“. Such phrases cause desire to put the boaster into place, and not to agree at all with arguments which he gives.
... categorialities, imposings of the councils:“ My option - only true “, “ my opinion is thought over, unlike the others“.
... perebivaniye of the interlocutor. You should not show that your thoughts in something are “more valuable“, than at the interlocutor as it destroys contact.
... concealments of important information. If, seeking to convince, you conceal part of information, be ready to what the person, having learned about it, will cease to trust your opinion in the future, expecting a dirty trick.
... egoism manifestations. If during belief it becomes clear that the person wishes to reach something only for own benefit or convenience, his argument ceases “to work“. Such position becomes obvious to people around and leads to alienation of the person.So if you want to convince others of something, leave to
excessive self-confidence and aggressive style of the proof of the correctness. Without having made it, you will be able only to complain again that you “talked sense“, and again “nobody heard you“.
of the Error of uncertaintyAlain`s
considers himself as the uncertain person. It is imperceptible in the company of friends and in collective. To her opinion the family does not listen. She almost never states the point of view, preferring acquiescence. Some acquaintances consider her as the person in general without own opinion. It allows people around to manipulate Alyona: it carries out part of work for colleagues, “drags“ on itself all house, considering that her requirements are less important, than needs of the husband and children. Here only even more often Alyona feels an internal protest and has desire to show that she has own opinion too...
Of what situations to us ability to convince can be useful?
When to us needs to state to
- the point of view and to prove that we have to it the right. Perhaps, we do not need that someone made as we want. Sometimes it is necessary for us that people around recognized our right to have such opinion which we have. Especially important it in the personal relations: between adult children and parents, between spouses etc. In this case partners do not solve a joint problem, and just get acquainted with installations of each other which can influence further creation of the relations. In this case the belief purpose - acceptance by the partner us such what we are.
- When partners is faced by the joint purpose demanding realization. It is the most frequent situation when it is necessary to be able to express the opinion and to convince of it the others. Implementation of the project at work, repair of the house, joint rest - all this and many other things demands from us art to convince and agree. When dispute - is no more than
- than entertainment. For example, the dispute on a situation in the economic market or on new fashionable tendencies happening between acquaintances is the entertainment training ability to argue and prove the point of view. Such disputes on tastes, opinions and preferences are almost fruitless as participants of discussion agree to differ. But this situation is remarkable the fact that people who not too well are able to argue and prove the case can be trained to it in a situation, safe for themselves. And then - to apply new experience when it is necessary and it is important.
People whom people around consider diffident are often inclined to confine suggestions to own bailiwick. They cannot advocate the interests as they are afraid to lose an arrangement of people around. Uncertain people often act on one of several schemes, each of which is rather inefficient.“I cannot even tell
- of the word“. In this case the person has own opinion, but keeps it around. He does not even try to state it as he is afraid that it will be derided or it will not be able to defend it. And further one of options is realized. Having externally agreed with foreign arguments, the person carries out that promised, but at the same time arises the internal tension (protest) which can lead to “explosion“ in the relations sooner or later. Or the person does not do that promised, and consciously or “incidentally“ screws up things, earning by himself image of the person on whom it is impossible to rely. “I act with
- through others“. Diffident people sometimes choose “transmitter“, i.e. other person to whom they can express the opinion and ask to help “to advance“ idea, but from the person. For example, so the “silent“ mother-in-law, nothing directly not speaking to the daughter-in-law, chooses as “transmitter“ of the son forced to transfer thoughts of mother, giving them for the opinion that can spoil the relations. Transmitting the thoughts through other person, it is necessary to realize that in such information transfer there is a lot of “noise“, i.e. that information which you did not mean at all. So far as concerns work, such position will prevent the person to build own career, and his best ideas (which at him there is a lot of!) will be picked up by more courageous colleagues. If during transfer there is unnecessary “noise“ information or the idea will be unsuccessful, “transmitter“ will decline all responsibility, having referred to the primary source, i.e. you. Thus, in case of success not you get all monasteries, and in case of failure - all your stones. “I tell
- , but do not listen to me“. A little more self-assured people seek to express the opinion, but often do it - uncertainly and as if apologizing to people around. They seek to inform of the ideas people around, adduce the correct arguments, but often they remain unnoticed behind surer, though less powerful arguments of others.
What to do? First of all, to develop internal confidence, and ability to speak about the point of view and to be able to prove it will come. Perhaps, it is impossible to remain the diffident person, but at the same time to be able finely to convince others. But the way to self-confidence can begin with several episodes in which you were “winner“ including managed to argue the point of view, let and in small dispute. The way to confidence is a self-supported system: the more occasions to be proud of itself, the there is more confidence in the forces. And therefore try to use receptions of belief of others, win discussion and become surer!
Receptions of belief
So, you want to learn to convince others of the opinion. However it is worth remembering that it will not always be possible, as we know, “from all truths of the major the is“. Most often you should consider interests of the partner and to adapt to him, to look for compromises in disputable situations. But there are receptions which will help you to increase efficiency of the belief and as a result to feel satisfaction that they to your opinion listened.
- of First of all, accurately formulate the purpose . Now, exactly in this conversation, at this meeting you want to reach something. If time allows, in advance formulate what you need to state. The formulation has to be accurate and short, for example:“ I want that I was granted extraordinary leave“ “I want that we bought this case“ “I want that the doctor channelized in a certain clinic“. If the main condition is not satisfied and the internal purpose is not created, you will not be able to find sufficient arguments, to look convincing.
- Consider type of the interlocutor. One people react on rational more, and others to emotional receptions of belief. For example, people of cogitative type keep coolness even in difficult situations, love an order, clearness and functionality. In polemic they are guided by logical reasons, try to weigh all pros and cons. At conversation with such person it is necessary to use objective information, to stick to reserved style of communication and to keep a respect distance. And here people of the feeling type are more susceptible to the emotional argument (“You will feel more quietly if you make so...“ “This option will force you to be nervous“). Logical justifications are less valuable to such people as the area of feelings is more important than the and surrounding people for them. Remember that the argument which is 100% for you can be quite weak for the interlocutor. For example, you can tell the doctor:“ I will be upset if you are not able to channelize me necessary“. Speaking so, you assume that your frustration the same significant factor for the stranger, as for you, but it hardly so. And the “farther“ from you people, the arguments based on your feelings work less.
- Consider power of arguments. Try to get up to the place of the interlocutor and think what arguments will be strong for it, and use them. The following order of arguments is most convincing: strong - averages - one strongest. It is proved that what was at the beginning and the end is best of all remembered. The person remembers what was in the middle worst of all. Therefore the beginning, and especially the termination have to be “strong“, and here on the middle it is worth applying the argument of “average“ caliber. Weak arguments in general should be avoided.
- Keep respect for the interlocutor. We already said that it is necessary to avoid the konfliktogen interrupting effective communication and forcing the interlocutor to be protected. During all conversation try to keep respect for the partner, his interests and opinions even if they divorce yours. In this case the interlocutor will not need to be protected, and process of belief can be more fruitful.
- Keep respect for yourself, do not belittle the status. do not apologize for the fact that you have a certain position. It is necessary to use as seldom as possible the word “excuse“ (if to that there are no powerful bases) as it does your position to the subordinate and uncertain. And uncertainty is associated with the low personal and professional status. Begin
- with what unites you. If positions, your with the interlocutor, differ, begin belief with what unites you, but not from what is a subject of disagreements. For example, if you cannot reach agreement on a question in any way, where to you to have a rest on holiday, you can begin this conversation with what you will tell, for example, “As it is good that we have a holiday in at one time“, “As it is good that we like to have a rest together, remember how last time it was healthy!“. It is much easier to reach agreement with the person, thinking that at you with it much in common, than in that case when on the first place conflict questions move forward. Learn to listen and hear
- ! Often situations when interlocutors mean absolutely different happen, and argue, without understanding each other. And in this case difficult both to convince and to come to the uniform decision. Be a good listener: listen to the interlocutor up to the end, specify his position, having formulated it once again aloud. There are easy ways to check whether correctly you understood what spoke to you about: “In other words, you consider that...“ “Told by you can mean...“. Do not hesitate to ask again: “What do you mean?“, “Specify, please...“.
- Let the interlocutor considers that this thought belongs to it. People treat own thoughts and judgments much more carefully, than strangers. Use it. For example: “You remember, we told the lake. You then told that... This thought seemed to me very reasonable!“. Or less rectilinear option: “Your reasonings suggested me an idea that...“. Let to the interlocutor know that your offers if are not completely his idea, then half - precisely! Show
- that your option is favorable to the interlocutor. Remember that all people need satisfaction of five basic needs (according to A. Maslou):
- physiological (food, water, dream, housing, health etc.);
- in safety, confidence in the future;
- in belonging to any community (to a family, the company of friends, collective etc.) ;
- in respect, recognition;
- in self-realization, realization of the opportunities and spiritual needs.
that your idea will help realization of one or several needs of the interlocutor, - the success of your belief is almost guaranteed.
So, we considered the main receptions of belief. Of course, to learn to convince others, first of all it is necessary for it... to study. Only having read this article, you will not become doky in art of belief of others. Trainings in application of these receptions, and then the analysis of progress and failures will give you necessary experience and will make you in the future the master of belief.