Father or stepfather? (part 2) of
... Plus the general child
Here, it seems, everything settled, the relations are improved, the new family lives happily, both the father and mother decide to give birth to the joint child. And here the new round of problems in relationship of the stepfather and children can quite begin.
Yes, we said about what the man practically always considers as the family of children raised by it. It so, except for one situation: when it has an opportunity to compare. That is, say, when in a family where the stepfather raises the wife`s children, his own child appears. In such situation it is difficult for man to resist to giving preference to the, at least unconsciously. Certainly, there are men who never do distinctions between “the“ child and “not “. These are those who really sincerely love the wife and her child as her continuation and besides possesses a high intelligence... Let`s not palter - so far at us such men a little.However not everything is so simple
. Most often the stepfather is afraid to find some preference, is frequent not to quarrel with the wife, and seeks to love all children equally. And it is impossible to it. Children - that different. Also it is impossible to balance them by the principle “more - less love“ or “it is better - worse the relation“. Attempts to balance love are senseless. The main thing that your attitude towards the child of the wife remained same sincere. And the fact that you pay more attention to the kid - so same naturally. Probably, the senior child will not demand from you that you and to him changed pampers too. Another matter, in such situation at mother can “for fear of an eye be big“, and she under pressure of own problems and neighbour`s instigations will be afraid in advance that her husband will worse treat the “nonnative“ child. And in advance begins “to compensate“ unfairly it by blind demonstrative love to ““, sometimes ignoring the general child. Certainly, the man cannot quietly look at it: in his eyes the situation looks so that mother loves the child more, than the general - can be because already stopped loving also his, new husband... Similar thoughts can appear at the man more than once, and he will begin “to protect“ younger, giving the rest of it of a portion of love from himself... Generally, as a result it turns out that everyone zalaskivat the, and generally the consent is never impossible. And there is no family per se practically any more.
Rule fifth: if in a family the general child is born, you do not seek to love all children equally. It is impossible. And concerning love of children “algebra harmony it is impossible to believe“ - the arithmetic principles of the accounting of love do not work.
the Attitude towards the nonnative child is often improved by adoption procedure: when now, it seems, as all the. But it is impossible to impose to the stepfather adoption even if it is very much wanted by the child. It has to occur if not against both interested parties.
Here and daddy native...
Sometimes the stepfather in general has a difficult situation: not only that with the wife it is necessary not to spoil the relations not only that it is necessary to find approach to her children, - moreover and the ex-husband of the spouse periodically appears on the horizon! And it is fine if just appeared - so is not present, he actively tries to spoil its new family life.
Similar occurs if spouses divorced, but did not disperse. That is emotionally they for each other are still significant - even if in negative sense. And if the woman marries, her ex-husband even if he threw her, begins to disturb her only if he did not find new happiness, feels thrown and embittered on the whole world and first of all on the ex-wife. How it it will be happy, and it will not? And, deprived to own life, such mountain - the husband begins to destroy others actively. And often chooses not the cleanest way. Having the fatherly right to communicate with children, such father uses them for showdowns with the ex-wife - by the principle of that do-good father. Meeting children or taking them for the weekend, he tirelessly speaks to them what baddy their mother who she is the dismissed woman... Generally, pours out a fair tub of dirt on the head of children. And to the stepfather gets - not less, and sometimes more. He is supposedly a torturer and the sadist, it offends poor children, he deceived mother and both of them are good... Certainly, it is difficult for children to understand all this verbal stream - especially, to tell the truth, if on the other hand this duel joins mother. But anyway, children are presented with a fait accompli comparisons of the stepfather and the father. Which of them to consider as the father?
the stepfather`s Task in this situation - at all not to try “to pull a blanket on itself“, watering also native father. Do not try to outdo the former parent and in casing of children - they feel insincerity of such gifts. Your advantage is that you are to children much more, than the father. And if you in the opinion of children do not blacken their native father; if just explain to the child that you love his mother, so, and he to you not the stranger; if you manage to behave adequately - that you will not remain in loss. Do not begin war with the native father for children`s love - this war will not be won by nobody including children.
However native fathers at all not always behave so ugly. Sometimes they keep the man`s advantage and offer the help to children including material. And here the stepfather should not accept the offended pose - unreasonable arrogance to business not the assistant too.
Rule sixth: the main task of the stepfather and father - to become not rivals, but cool business partners in education of the child.Any emotions are unacceptable
, as in the real business. You have general dividends now - health and happiness of your children.
Fathers and daughters
One more trap for the stepfather - relationship with the child of an opposite sex. That is with the girl. There is an opinion that boys clash with the stepfather more often. Just the opposite! If the stepfather managed to find approach to the boy without excessive baby talk - the guy who is especially feeling a lack of man`s communication will estimate it. And at the age of 11 - 15 years at children thirst for own floor and rejection of opposite begins. At the expense of it boys reach for men (and the conflicts with mother begin), and girls - for women. And from - for it the girl - the teenager can not apprehend foreign man as the father: she in general so far perceives all boys and men as enemies. Sometimes the girl, especially when began to need attention of mother, just is afraid that this man will take away from her mother. An exit here one - to convince the girl (she already rather adult) that love to the husband and to the child are two different love, and arithmetics is besides powerless here.However to the stepfather should be
on the lookout. Because the girl if mother married “against her will“, can provoke the conflicts with the new father. And all right she just actively would not obey him - it is still half-troubles. A time of the little girl slander on the stepfather to mother, and the range of charges happens the most different: from deprivation food before sexual stickings.
Such conflicts can be also with the father. Yes so often also happens. Therefore the fact that the stepfather - not native, does not play a role here. It only aggravates position of the stepfather: knowing that he is not father, all people around including mother, are inclined to trust the girl more: a pier what to take from foreign uncle? That is slander the girl on the father - to her would fly for lies, and in her conflicts with the stepfather will practically always sympathize with “the unfortunate orphan“. Certainly, I do not protect all stepfathers at once - situations happen everyones. But all - before starting scandal, understand - whether your child is sincere or he seeks to quarrel you with the husband, and even to part!
Now concerning sexual stickings. Of course, statistically the stepfather more often so behaves in relation to the stepdaughter, than the father - in relation to the daughter. Because at the father the so-called intsestuarny taboo, as a rule, works: in total - the native daughter! And so that stepfather who initially considered the wife`s child to the family which saw in the girl and the daughter - will not touch her. And if the wife`s daughter always was to it others, and he did not want or could not perceive her as own child - it is possible to wait for trouble. And first of all - if to the stepfather psychologically foreign mother. In this case he will perceive mother with the daughter as two absolutely foreign to him women - one is more senior, another is younger. And younger is under its direct supervision... A situation indeed provoking for many men who are especially not burdened with ability to constrain the requirements.
Rule seventh: fears for the daughter are for certain vain if you have with the new husband rather strong relations and you really the husband and the wife, but not two casual partners in marriage.If your husband sees
in your girl and the daughter - it will never encroach on her honor. And if it concerns her rather friendly from the early childhood - he quite will become her the adviser and the defender!