Father or stepfather? (part 1) of
Most of all fairy tales and sayings are created in the people about the angry stepmother. About the stepfather seemingly bad it is told a little. However today`s society all - takes a jaundiced view to the fact of appearance of the stepfather in life of own children enough. At once there are fears: “And suddenly children will not accept it? And suddenly he will not get on with them? And if the general child appears?“ Generally, it is enough doubts. And from - for these doubts the woman often decides that it is simpler to it to pass by own happiness, than to solve then all these problems. However such victims are absolutely senseless because it is possible to think of all this in advance. And to take care of that appearance of the stepfather did not cause special problems in life of children.Not that father that gave rise
to Women, as we know, extreme manifestations of emotions in relation to the children are often peculiar to
. The sober and equal attitude towards the child, and not necessarily native genetically is more characteristic of men. For many men to the family that child whom they brought up and grew up, gave him the relation to world around, made it as if continuation of themselves is considered. Probably, it is so conceived by the nature - because any man actually cannot precisely know whether his child was born at this or that woman. Certainly, I do not want to offend by suspicion of all wives at all, but actually only mother can precisely know who is a father of her child (and she sometimes doubts, but it is other history). And in fauna cases when the male brings up cubs in whose conception did not accept participation are frequent. In general, such relation of male individuals to the genetic paternity - an indispensable condition of preservation of a sort. Therefore at people, if they occurred from primacies, such attitude of men towards children is usual and even put at the unconscious level. Certainly, there are exceptions when the husband is tormented by doubts and he begins to exhaust the wife. But such behavior is caused not by unconscious reactions, but external psychological problems of the spouse. Therefore the man will usually consider native any child in whose education he took part in quality of the father. And the longer this “paternity“ - the better lasted.
Rule first: the age of the child at repeated marriage of mother is less, the its conflict with the stepfather throughout their further communication is less probable.
If does not have the father
How it seemed it is paradoxical and even slightly cynical - but the fact is the fact: the most cloudless relations are established between the stepfather and children when the father left a family finally or, alas, he is not on light any more. And if children are rather small, they without excess questions call the stepfather the father. However how to be when questions at children begin to appear? Some mothers prefer to speak never to children about the father, especially if the stepfather adopted them. There was no another - and all here! Such behavior is how expedient?
Of course, each person himself chooses as to it to behave, but such tactics I would recommend only to those mothers who very much want to sit on a time bomb. When such child will become a teenager, the truth anyway will come up outside: there will be relatives, friends and he can come across the relevant documents or begin active searches. And to guarantee that he will never suspect anything, very difficult. And then mother will receive result of the concealment: with maximalism inherent in teenagers the child, having understood that mother deceived it, right there will decide that she in general always lied to it. In everything. And further - the child will become uncontrollable. Because as he will obey mother who deceived him all life? What value its councils have now?
A with the stepfather after such disappointment the child can break off all relations in general. Moreover - will begin to take a jaundiced view to his education, accenting that it to it not native. And if it suffers some educational methods from the native father, from it is for anything!
Rule second: in a similar situation the truth should not be imposed to the child, but also it is not necessary to hide from him.
Yes, maybe so that the child really never learns nothing, and yet a question what of news will be for it a bigger psychological trauma. But if questions appeared - better to answer honestly. Moreover - the child can quite tell that here your native father, (especially if the old photo of the father suddenly catches sight), and now at you is other father. The child, if he has with the stepfather friendly relations, can quite accept the concept concerning two fathers - generally because will not be able just to believe that the present father to it not native. Therefore the main thing for the stepfather - to find a common language with the child.
How to become native
But then the question arises: how to the stepfather to improve the relations with children that they always considered him to the family? At first let`s tell how it is not necessary. Certainly, you should not communicate with children haughtily and apart, but also other extreme is so bad: to overfeed and load with presents children, to lisp with them, as if paying off from them once and for all.
Rule third: the stepfather`s attitude towards children is defined by his true attitude towards mother of these children.
If the man really sincerely loves the woman, then and he will communicate with her children without special problems, and will not consider them as strangers. But if in this marriage he pursues some other aims - children of this woman will be to it as if in loading, and it will be difficult to force it to treat them as to the family - especially as such things violently do not become. Yes, there are men who begin courting for the woman with demonstrative interest in her children, considering that so she will quicker agree to marriage, and there it will be possible to wave in general on children a hand. In that case look narrowly more fixedly at such man - his feelings in relation to your children are how sincere. The attention differs from false casing the same as the concept “kind“ and “do-good“: be careful of the do-good stepfather who will put a candy, and to him will be to spit that will be farther with the child. And the kind father can be which - where it is strict (but it is fairly strict), and in any cases first of all there will be interests of the child. Even without excessive amount of candies. Therefore you do not hurry with marriage registration, be not convinced yet how actually your new partner treats the child.And also to be fair has to tell
that sometimes the man really can become attached to children stronger, than to their mother. And in this case, when adults as a result leave, children suffer most - because leave beloved “father“...
However in this “triangle“ three parties think. And even if the man and the woman love each other absolutely sincerely, it does not mean yet that children with ease and will accept at once the stepfather and will begin to call him the father. The attitude of children towards the new father is quite ambiguous too.
Rule fourth: how children will apprehend the stepfather, in many respects is defined by former relationship of children with mother.
Certainly if children are more senior than 5 - 7 years, with them needs to agree on an issue of appearance of the new father directly. But often kids can react to mother`s marriage sharply negatively, and, it seems, and wishing that they had a father. Roots of all evil should be looked for in how mother treated them earlier.
For example, mother lived only the child earlier (especially if it only), and convinced the child that she has no personal needs and private life any more, and suddenly - she dared to think of herself! Yes, such perception develops at the child, especially if mother in every possible way emphasized that already nothing is necessary to her - would be to well beloved child... In this case the child will be against the stepfather only because mother afforded something personally for herself. And at the level of unconscious such baby will have a feeling that thus mother takes away something from it, darling. At least instead of loving the child, she dared to fall in love with foreign uncle and now will care for him!
If mother grew up the child one under the eternal song of singles “All men of the swine“, the child will sincerely want to keep mother from such act: to live in one apartment with the representative of a masculine gender. Especially if mother inspired all former life in the child that men are dogs, and the sexual relations - dirt and muck. The child will be simply struck that his mother - also is going to be engaged in this muck! It will prevent in every possible way this marriage, to quarrel with the stepfather, can leave in general the house - and it will be very difficult to explain to him why for mother this bad representative of the human race was necessary! Certainly, in this regard again - it is simpler to marry, having not really adult child: he did not become impregnated with similar harmful beliefs yet and has not such one-sided ideas of that why people marry...
Sometimes mother treats the child, as the baby even if the child already graduates from school. It is the most advantageous position for the stepfather: if he apprehends this child as the adult, sometimes even despite mother`s protests - the respect and love of the child are practically guaranteed to it always. If the new father manages to be that kind, but not do-good if he sincerely manages to understand the child, but will not pretend that understands it - the success is provided.