When parents do not allow to mature
Sociologists and mass media look for for a long time an explanation for why teenagers so want to look adults, but at the same time do not want to mature. And why adults became so similar to teenagers.
As it only was called: both Peter Pan`s syndrome, and infantility, and movement of kidalt. That only meant under unwillingness to mature: from aspiration to avoid any responsibility to desire constantly to have a good time. That only called the reason: from state of the economy to modern culture. But, as it appeared, parents can lay the hand to it also: that, responsible and independent. And at the same time - not persons interested that their child matured. On that they have reasons.
the Corner of mother and child
For the last one hundred years of the woman learned to do in a family without men. Especially in Russia where terror and world wars consistently replaced each other. And, obviously, learned: at least the fact that the woman is capable alone poorly now - poorly to survive and grow up posterity, does not raise doubts.
A that family? The family still remained value. Here only ideas of a family changed a little. It turned out that a design “he and she“ - much shakier and unreliable, than long-term union “mother and child“. The combination “it and the child“ began to be perceived as option of family norm. And if the family continues to be value, then it is important to maintain the relations in every way. The most trouble-free way to cement the family once and for all - not to allow to mature to the child. Then it will not get to anywhere.
Probably, am one of the most paradoxical parental feelings: what was part you separates and becomes independent. This development of independence of the child is called separation. And it occurs, not when the child receives the passport or the first salary (as some parents consider), and is constant - beginning nearly with the birth moment. The child learns to move, do without mother, to communicate with others, gets the personal interests - all this separation, ability to be separate, in itself. All this strongly disturbs parents who are not interested in independence of own children. Usually these parents are mothers.
of Mother which do not want separation
Most simply perception of own children such mothers can be described one phrase: they do not wish to see that the child too the person. They are not able to contact to the child as with equal. The reasons can be a little:
High uneasiness . Life - piece difficult, therefore, all events - a reason for concern, fears and bad presentiments. In such semi-martial law mother`s task - to protect and protect from all misfortunes, but not to communicate as equals.to Inspire
Rejection of a maternal role . Such women consider that to be mother - very hard; they regularly have questions: and whether correctly I arrive what I have to tell or feel whether good I am a mother? Such mothers do not trust the instinct, and wait for approval or instructions from the outside. Here not before contact with the child, here the main thing - is correct to fulfill the obligations assigned to you by life.
Attempt to be realized in the child . Mother was not taken in ballet school? Also there was no money to be engaged in mountain skiing? And then it had a failed affair, and she decided to give rise for herself? The poor creature to the child should be influenced by all power of unrealized parental ambitions. Because from the moment of the birth it is the instrument of maternal moral self-satisfaction, but not some there individual.
What gives to mothers symbiosis with the child? From feeling of stability of the union created by them to feeling of own demand. From an opportunity to constantly show care to feeling of structure of the life.
How to become adult
Separation includes not only a growing, but also the special feeling peculiar to the independent person. The psychologist J. Hoffman allocated several types of separation, we have to pass each of which on the way to a final maturity.
Emotional separation . Reduction of dependence on parental approval or disapproval.
of Attityudnaya separation . Allows to cease to estimate himself and everything surrounding parental estimates, to argue in parental categories. It does not mean that in a family by all means there has to be a conflict of generations. Just grown up child has to cease to look at the world eyes of parents, and to begin to develop own look, and the judgments based on personal experience.
Functional separation . The clever man with the unique view of the world sitting on a parental neck - a pathetic show. Functional separation is an ability to provide itself and to exist physically separately from a parental family.
Conflict separation . Ability not to feel like the villain only from - for the fact that you separated from parents, ability to live life without sense of guilt.
the Children who did not pass separation
Complexity with separation as it was already told, that it is continuous process. And when the child starts walking (and on him hiss: “Do not climb there, you will fall, it will be sick“). And when to the child do not allow to tie laces on boots because are afraid to be late in kindergarten. And when the child gets unseemly, according to parents, acquaintance (and he is told:“ All the same nobody will love you as mother“). To inspire in the child of thought of his dependence, weakness, frailty - the best way to slow down and delay separation. A variety of problems which symbiosis with parents, rather extensively can cause.
- of I Look for myself and I will not find in any way . Such impression that these young people intentionally choose the most “altruistic“ works: from a bass - the guitarist to the worker of a scene. They constantly look for themselves, change kinds of activity, cannot get on feet in any way. And not really - that aspire: parents all the same will not accept either their success, or their independence. This world me does not suit
- . Such teenagers and adults can drink, brawl, get in the history, say, all the biography to show: you watch what I dependent, weak, sickly. you I am afraid of
- Ya . Children who at early age managed to inspire that the outside world (in the person of a sandbox, kindergarten, school) is irreparably dangerous can suffer from sociophobia, they will be successful hardly contacts with peers and adults, they will have problems with communication.
- life long Dialogue . At last, the child can get into never-ending dispute with the parents - to choose the same area of professional activity and to prove all life that it is not worse. These relations with parents will appear emotionally nasyshchenny, than with any other people. >
It is time for li to separate?Under the law of a genre of the reader useful tips which in no time will help to finish separation have to wait for
and will leave all happy. And here we are waited by an unpleasant surprise: both parties - and not only the child, but also the parent have to be ready to completion of separation. At some on letting know to the mother that “the child too of people“, years and decades leave. Some prefer to act on distance - leave a parental family and almost break off the relations. Some train iron will and sense of humour in the relations with parents. Some prefer not to solve problems with separation: and then their children should solve these problems already.