Conversation with the husband. What most often concerns future fathers?
This question arise quite often at conference where the real and future adoptive parents, on occupations of schools for foster parents, in conversations with psychologists and teachers communicate. As a rule, in most cases it disturbs women who do not know, properly on a family council to resolve an issue of adoption of the child and to make it so that not to cause in the husband of reaction of rejection. Usually an initiator of adoption and the talk preceding it on this subject is the woman.for it presence of children in a family is most significant
including as confirmation that it took place as the woman. The man who does not have children can quite be realized in other sphere - for example, in professional.we Will tell
at once: uniform council how “to persuade“ the husband to adopt the child, does not exist. It is impossible to treat all alike. And it is not necessary to persuade in a similar situation too - this verb means a certain manipulation with feelings. This subject needs to be discussed with the husband, first of all having convinced him that without his consent nothing will occur.
Elena, now two-year-old Dani`s mother Quite so arrived. Her husband was categorically against adoption. The six-year-old daughter, and family life, according to the spouse grew up, did not need any changes, especially such cardinal at all. Elena did not begin to force events. She tried not to take offense at it, not to reproach, not to cry. There was time, the wife occasionally came back to conversation on the adopted child, without insisting on anything.
“Once the husband told that is supposedly fine, let`s go, itself you will see children, maybe, you will calm down, - Elena remembers. - And in state establishment it had some released person. We looked at children, talked to the director and when went to the car, he suddenly unexpectedly asked: And with the daughter you spoke? Two months Later in our family Danya appeared. Only then I understood that the husband for some reason chose such, camouflaged, a consent form. Now he says that Danka entertaining and I know: he fell in love with the boy“.the emotional component is very important
For women in adoption of any decision, men are inclined to hide it. Elena`s history - to that confirmation.
One more important aspect which is better for considering before a family council on which you are going to discuss your offer to adopt the child. Do not forget that this your offer in ideal option will become the common decision. You, perhaps, saw on the TV or on the Internet of these children, and for you they not faceless weight under the name “children`s home children“, and quite concrete children with the stories, merits and demerits. You already mentally represent their faces, eyes, with by itself or discussed the questions arising the first with the girlfriend: and what children are? And whether we will be able to fall in love with them how the? Adoption procedure is how long?
In other words, you too accepted thought of adoption therefore give the chance to the husband too to ask not at once for yourself these questions and to receive on them answers not only from your lips. Consider that concrete information is important for most of men: opinion of doctors about health of children in orphanages, opinion of psychologists on specifics of adaptation of children from child care facilities in a family, real stories of adoption etc. Remember what questions you asked when for the first time thought of adoption (not important - themselves, in conference or to someone else), and prepare answers to them, stock up with books and sensible articles, information from the Internet. Doubts of your husband are as like as two peas similar to doubts of other women and men which are solved on adoption. Therefore why to walk twice into a same water?Only you know
how it is better to construct conversation with your husband what to be at loss for words. It is not the first serious question which you discuss with it. All is better to discuss with someone up to the end, time think most is better to let someone and not to press at all, for someone it is important to keep an opportunity to tell then that it was his own idea.
“I do not even remember to which of us the thought of adoption for the first time came to mind, - Nikolay says (he with the wife prepares documents for adoption of the second child). - But once I told Olga: Stop shedding tears! Time! Probably, many childless couples pass through a temptation to leave everything as it is, to live for each other . Then the following test - not to get to traps of stereotypic thinking: in children`s homes there are no healthy children adoption costs much; adopted children will never become the family ... Now we live three together with little Anechkaya. And soon us will become four“.
What most often concerns future fathers?suddenly it will not be similar
A to us? On the one hand, it is valid often very important for the man (perhaps, roots of it are covered that men are afraid that they will be suspected that the child not them). And on the other hand, many cases when the children absolutely unlike parents, become similar to them over time are known. Children unconsciously begin to copy a mimicry, gestures, intonations of parents that for strangers makes them very similar to adoptive parents. And in this case even lack of external similarity does not play any role.
Volodya and Igor - brothers. They grow in a sports family, and, looking at two boys - robust fellows in sports suits (as like as two peas similar to a suit of their father Sergey, only small), to the stranger and will not come to mind that Igor - the adopted child. And especially observant and curious it was necessary to tell about “the grandmother from Tashkent“. The most important - Sergey loves the sons.
A suddenly it will be same as his biological parents (the alcoholic, the addict, etc.) ? all potential adoptive parents, and not only men ask This question. There is just unshakable narrow-minded belief that all children in public institutions are seriously sick and possess bad heredity. The known truth is ignored long ago: the problem of alcoholism and drug addiction bypasses also safe families. And if the woman can be satisfied with the answer “probability that children will inherit alcoholism and drug addiction from parents, makes from.... to... percent“, such answer is often insufficient for men.
It is possible, for your husband arguments will be the right of the adoptive father for independent medical examination before acceptance of the child in a family and data of experts that in public institutions there are absolutely healthy children. Perhaps, he should look at children who already live in a family and differ in nothing from the peers or in any children`s home on children which juvenile mothers refused or which remained orphans, having lost parents. It is worth hearing from lips of the expert and about the most important diagnosis of orphans - absence of love.
A suddenly I will not be able to fall in love with it? Often happens that men ask such question. As it is better to answer it, to solve to you. Good argument in favor of adoption for most of men (and women - mothers and grandmothers) is communication with real children. Observe how the husband communicates with other children, with children of your acquaintances and relatives? Perhaps, it is attached to someone from them? Then he will be much easier to answer the question “Whether Not to Take Us the Child from Orphanage?“ positively And it is even better if the husband is convinced that his nephew Vasya or the daughter of friends Irishka differ in nothing from Vitya and Lucie from children`s home. It is also possible to play the fool, at hide-and-seek with them, to give them gifts and to read books... Of course, you should not frighten at once the person who did not think of adoption, speaking to it:“ Let`s go to watch children“. It is possible to suggest to help you to bring some help to orphanage, and there accidentally to communicate to children. The main thing that it is important to you to inform the husband in this situation is that the love does not depend only on biological relationship. And really, if all parents loved the children who were born at them, unless there would be so many orphans?to
Or perhaps to us do not need children at all? This question is asked by many future fathers - and is not important at all, you are going to adopt the child or to give birth to him. One of arguments to which men - existence of real obstacles for adoption usually resort: unresolved housing problem, material problems, etc. As far as it is really significant for your family, only you can solve. But pay attention: in many cases the birth of children occurs irrespective of these obstacles therefore think whether it is behind these well thought over and logical arguments some subjective difficulties, for example what we described above.
For many men appearance of the child is a new stage: it is absolutely unclear what waits for it how his life will change that it should change in the habits and hobbies. And unclear - it is always dangerous and terrible. What to do? Tell about how you imagine its participation in education of the child (taking into account age of the child whom you plan to adopt) that it will need to do that the child will be able to do together with it as you will be able to spend together everything time as you will be able to combine what you usually do on economy, and education of the child in what economic affairs you expect the bigger help. >
it Will turn out p that the adopted child - it is not so terrible at all. And “to take or not to take that time when you discussed“, will become the family legend: “The husband told in due time that he trusts mine mamsky intuition . Still... The first two times I brought it with own hand mature and born children. And both times brought to it very much were pleasant. To the first appointment to our future kid we went to children`s home together, but to my heart the husband entrusted to choose our third child. And this time he was not deceived too“.