Rus Articles Journal

How to cope with the child`s whims when parting with parents of

“Why you cry?“ This question one thousand times is asked by parents to the small children who cling to them and sob, without allowing to leave the house.

- Mashenka, mother will go for work, will earn money and will buy Mashenke boots. Mashenka wants boots?.
- Yes! Aa - and!!! - And Mashenka will be with the grandmother. Mashenka loves the grandmother?
- Yes! Aa - and!!!
- And the grandmother will give to Mashenke a candy! Mashenka wants a candy?
- Yes! Aa - and!!!
- Well why you cry?!!
- Aa - and!!!

to Understand

why the child cries if, apparently, everything suits it (both boots wants, and loves the grandmother, and does not refuse a candy), it is almost impossible.

the child too will not be able to explain for anything to

the reason of why he does not want to release mother and to remain with the grandmother. Even to ask it about it at least it is useless, and sometimes and harmfully (on intonation of a question he feels that are dissatisfied with it, and worries that upset or offended mother). Why he cries?

He cries because tears - the only way which the child can show that he worries.

the Child is not afraid to be left without mother, he does not think that to it it will be bad with the grandmother, he is just disturbed by a parting situation. And still he worries for mother: how it there, without it?

Adults allocate tears with more tragic sense, than children. Adults cry in a heavy grief, in despair, at severe pain. At the sight of the crying child the adult is lost: he knows from the experience as it is difficult to console the grieving person, tears of the child touch painful feelings and memoirs of the adult, and he is ready to make everything if only tears stopped.

the Child tears “talks“. Actually conversation with Mashenka was such:

- Mashenka, mother will go for work, will earn money and will buy Mashenke boots. Mashenka wants boots?.
- Yes! But at what here boots, really I have to change you for boots? Aa - and!!!
- And Mashenka will be with the grandmother. Mashenka loves the grandmother?
- Yes! If I pay about you, it turns out that I do not love the grandmother! I so it offend her! It is awful! Aa - and!!! It is a pity for the grandmother!!!
- And the grandmother will give to Mashenke a candy! Mashenka wants a candy?
- Yes! You think that the grandmother will give me a candy, but I so offended her! I am such bad girl, unless somebody will give a candy to such bad girl! Aa - and!!! A candy there is a wish!!!
- Well why you cry?!!
- From - for you! From - for a boot! From - for the grandmother! From - for candies! Aa - and!!!

Mother Mashenki can think that the girl endures her leaving, however, offering so many other subjects, she distracts the daughter from parting experience, and the situation of the relations of mother and daughter turns into a situation of the relations of the child with a great number of other people and things - and the child is lost!

the Child wants to tell

about parting, and the fact that he cries, shows how strongly he wants to speak about it. About the leaving mother, about what with her will be, about when it returns how she loves it and sympathizes with it, the little person who masters new experience of partings and meetings.

Mother whom the crying kid “returned from a threshold“ which decided “not to injure“ the child and contrary to the plans and desires stayed at home, thereby just “postpones“ conversation on partings and meetings.

Such conversation surely will take place sooner or later, and the child will use for conversation all the opportunities again: words, tears, whims, manipulations...

Why to say goodbye?

Likely, many adults endured huge temptation in general to avoid farewells: the child turned away, and you on tiptoe and - at doors. Of course, after such partings on a shower of a cat scrape and there are a wish to return to look how it there (that, of course, does not improve mood at work), but tears were not (or, at least, at you was not). Such way to build the relations with the child is not good at all neither for the kid, nor for parents.

Here four reasons of why to run away without saying goodbye badly for the child:

  1. the child sees that parents are afraid of farewells, and draws a conclusion that partings are something very terrible therefore he tries to hold about himself habitual and favourite things stronger, many forces spend for control of what it has, and it lacks forces for new acquaintances; it can avoid new or to be aggressive in new contacts;
  2. the child endures
  3. that parents consider him as too weak personality to cope with serious feelings; he can reconcile to the fact that it “weak“ and “vulnerable“, to behave whimsically and to imitate small, and can actively begin to prove what it strong and independent through aggressive behavior with those with whom it remains without parents. Both that, and another, unfortunately, - a false face of the little person and what he actually - to it still should be understood;
  4. the child is jealous parents of their affairs (to work, friends, shops and hairdressing salons); it seems to it that if parents secretly run away from it somewhere, so they love something THERE more, than its HERE; it will be difficult for it to learn to respect work of parents from - for this jealousy;
  5. the child feels like the defective family member: he is deceived, do not reckon with its feelings.

A here four reasons of why to run away without saying goodbye badly for parents:

  1. the child who is afraid of new contacts will attach stronger and stronger to himself mother, without allowing it to depart from himself (sometimes on a step);
  2. the child who by means of aggression proves that it rather big and strong that with it spoke seriously, causes many efforts, embroiling mothers and fathers with grandmothers, nurses and tutors;
  3. the child who is jealous parents of work and another matters forces them to divide life into “family“ and “work“ and to have sense of guilt;
  4. the child who will notice that he is deceived can begin to manipulate
  5. and will always find a way to force parents to worry, be nervous and be late for the important meetings: tears, complaints, bad dream, appetite and behavior.

It is possible, someone will tell: well it you are too! Really all these problems can fall upon parents from - for such trifles! You will think, did not say goodbye to a one-year-old shket!

A here for the child ability to say goodbye and release - at all not a trifle, but an important aspect of truly human relations. Perhaps, the first in his life experience of the relations in society where you - are important, but you - not one.

As it is better for p to say goodbye

we Will try to find the recipe of farewell, good and useful to the child. For this purpose we will remember that we know about desires of the kid, and we will decide that is wanted by the adult.

So, the child wants:

to know At the same time the adult wants


we Will try to combine these wishes in one strategy.

“I began to accustom the son to say goodbye and tell

of the Scene and manipulation to

(that is at first to wave the handle) „ so far - so far “ about one year. I specially said goodbye to it and spoke „ so far “ even then, when left literally for a minute to the neigbour that he got used and then did not cry when I come to work. He really in few weeks got used and even perceived „ so far - so far “ as cheerful game. And here in two years when I came to work, the child as if was changed. As though there was no cheerful game in „ so far “! Roars, clings to me! My heart is broken off. What did I make not so? I so prepared for this time!.“

Grief and alarm of the child - the obligatory part of his understanding that it becomes more independently, and at mother appears more and more time and desires to be engaged in different affairs about which he knows nothing yet. He cries not because “is not prepared“ but because now he understands: parting - it is sad. It became more adult!

But here question: how each child copes with the alarm? What ways applies and what weaknesses of adults uses?

“Is the thing which I do not maintain at all, is when the daughter, having seen that I gather for work, shouts: „ Mamulechka, do not leave! Pretty, well please, do not leave! “ At me inside everything contracts, I am ready to give up work and all the affairs into this moment... But you know the most awful that? As soon as I leave and the door is closed behind me - it right there quietly goes to play with the grandfather or to watch the animated cartoons! That is this awful scene - only for me? Why it so does? I cannot work then in the afternoon!“

of the row which children make to parents, say that kids rather well know “weak“ places of adults.

For example if mother is anxious and feels guilty from - for what works, then the child with pleasure will shift all the alarm connected with parting (crying and complaints) to it. Making rows, he as if thinks: “Now for everything mother is anxious, I can be quiet!“ - and it is valid, then quietly plays and waits for mother. So many children behave. And teachers in kindergartens which persuade mothers well know about it (sometimes even abuse): “Go, everything will be good!“

This scene - to be exempted from the alarm and to transfer her to mother.

here if mother herself is not really sure by

A that her affairs are necessary and important for it, doubts the chosen profession or the place of work, does not feel rather vigorous to leave the house, then the child will surely stop it! The kid, solving the problems, also cares for mother: to you not really well there - do not go! And he suits such hysterics! Or offends the nurse or the grandmother, or badly behaves in a garden, or is even ill, or... In a word, he behaves so that mother “makes a helpless gesture“ and speaks: “Well unless I can come to work: it at me such disturbing (timid, disobedient, painful, pugnacious etc.) “. Mother is upset that the son or the daughter from themselves does not release her, but, perhaps, is even glad that the problem with its own definition was so solved.

How to avoid scenes and manipulations

the Child feels that “scenes“ spoil his relations with parents, and manipulations prevent it to develop actively therefore he will be glad if parents are able to cope with it. It cannot “stop“, such behavior it protects itself(himself) from alarm!

“rituals“ will help to Win against “scenes“.

“Ritual“ is an operations procedure which adults repeat over and over again. For example, leaving, mother always:


Such behavior helps the child not from the first day namely when becomes ritual, that is habitual behavior. Ritual helps because teaches the child to trust adults: the child well knows that mother will leave as she will leave and when returns. This trust and knowledge reduces alarm of the kid.

can Cope with manipulations only all family: adults before “to cultivate independence“ the child, have to be defined how they want (and whether really want) to build the business life. If mother or the father are not sure of the plans, the child who feels in the presence of adults better, but not with the peers, will surely use their doubts and will not try to cope itself with the problem of a growing.

of the Phrase which worsen a situation

Here 5 phrases which mothers say, having despaired to convince the child that they need to leave on affairs:

“You told it is important to li to remember

: these phrases not only do not help the child, but even harm because in them there is a REPROACH. The reproach to the child is that he PREVENTS mother to do her some things. Mothers tell such words just because do not know how to calm the kid, and the child hears that he - the hindrance to mother in her life, and worries even more, is anxious and, as a result, is capricious.

Art to calm the child

to Calm the child disturbed by parting - quite difficult occupation. It demands time, patience and confidence in the correctness.

First and the most important that the parents calming the child need to remember is that they exactly calm the child, but do not ensure quiet day, do not preserve the grandmother against whims or neighbors from shout.

the Child needs calm because he small and cannot cope with the experiences. The adult can always calm the child because the child hopes for the adult, considers him stronger, more skilled, more patient. The child makes the most rough rows to the closest and favourite just because trusts them, their force and wisdom.

to calm the child, it is necessary to sympathize with it and to believe that the kid does nothing “to spite“, he just endures still unclear to it a growing.


It is offered three ways to show to the child that you sympathize with it.

to Take it is important to li to remember

that when parting the child needs a consolation, and not so adult, anxious with own experiences. Calming the child, do not wait from him for forgiveness, permissions and justifications for yourself!

Each small child very much wants

that mother and the father were quiet and cheerful. He cries when he sees the crying mother. It contracts for fear when mother and the father quarrel. He would like to help the darlings, but it is difficult for it to bear a burden of sympathy to adults. Intolerableness of this burden does one children whimsical, disturbing, others - angry, timid, and the third - even aggressive.

Sympathizing with the child, it is necessary to try not to begin to sympathize with himself, changing with the child roles.

If to mother or the father hard is given calm of the child if they too strongly worry and to them there is a wish to nestle on the kid, to complain to it and to be consoled about it, then it is better for them to talk about it with each other, to good friends, or perhaps even to the psychologist.