The personal relations …
I Here opened today the loved website, and there “a subject of day“: “In 30 - to begin all over again“. Wanted to leave at first the comment, but the inspiration here attacked me, and I decided to share in detail the history...by
to me executed Exactly three years ago 30 years. From “grandiose“ celebrations I beforehand ran away “to the village, to a solitude“ more precisely, on the Kuban farm on a visit to the father.
In day of “X“ thought: “Here, however, what serious boundary. Well, it seems, everything is (that has to be to modern female measures at the decent girl by 30 years): various experience of the personal relations, remarkable son, husband (though civil), certain professional achievements, apartment, several bright trips abroad. And that further: already anything interesting, only movement on knurled ? Gravity, maturity, boredom...“the Husband my civil, by the way, completely suited
under the description of the author of a subject about 30 - the anniversary. Quiet, in life balanced, indifferent to any there ways to give “life paints“. Loved, however, sometimes with the bosom friends to sit, on fishing to go, and its idea of pleasures of life and was limited to it. Everything that was required to my irrepressible nature, this my nature did for itself (bought permits abroad and went - one or with the son, was engaged in improvement of the house, read books, rode the bicycle, met girlfriends and even changed work of times in one and a half - two years).
... At the end of summer of my thirtieth anniversary (I already returned from holiday for work) to our company the new employee - came to a position of the head of very perspective division (the company was engaged, as usual, trade - where still to young ambitious men to move?) .
our Company was large holding (was because it is not in my life any more, besides crisis considerably reduced turnover of the company). I worked in financial division, belonged to my duties to trace financially - economic activity of several so-called “centers of the income“. And as the fates decree that perspective division to which the new commercial director came got to that moment under my “maintaining“. Later I learned that this “young and perspective“ - my age-mate.For brevity statements from now on I will call
my new podopechny division “Division To“, and the young perspective head, perhaps, I will name Denis.I will tell
O to myself that, though I am a girl amorous, nevertheless the first on men never I rush. And the more so I cannot consider the colleague in any other quality, except as the colleague until this colleague himself does not begin to pay me signs attention. And here then I begin to thaw - literally as chocolate on the sun.I Will notice
that before my last novel (not) happened to the father of my son even 5 years ago, even before pregnancy...
generally, soon girlfriends on my finance department began to notice that the new unit manager To the beginnings too often to call me on working questions. He was interested at me in nuances of the financial account and corporate rules of the reporting, invited me to himself in an office to tea - pies - financial planning, did not stint compliments (of course, in my professionalism!) . whetherShould say
that I fell in love? Literally for few days, without memory, “floated“... What here affected - I do not know. Perhaps, a long absence of bright emotional experiences, effect of surprise, pleasant appearance and Denis`s manner, and, maybe, it was notorious crisis of middle age?Wishing to transfer to
that my mood by means of associations with the movie, perhaps, I will call “Bridges of the district Madison“...
After work I wandered on “clothes“ shops, bought to myself (for work) openwork tights, began to sleep in hair curlers (that was not watched long ago me), fell asleep with thought of It. I began to hate terribly days off, and in the mornings, gathering for work, included on full loudness any romantic retro - the disco, and for work flew, as for a holiday rather as to appointment. Already approaching the office building, threw a view of a window of its office - well as, it already at work? Days and even hours in which he was absent from work, seemed to me simply deleted from life. And as I shuddered from each call of my office phone!
Now not only roommates, but also colleagues of more remote departments began to notice in me positive changes. Compliments poured not only from female colleagues. One head of average years suggested me to give a ride to me for work (it appeared, we live in the neighboring houses), another in a lunch break on napkins wrote invitations to cafe, the third caught in corridors to discuss exclusively working moments...
But I waited for attention signs only from It. I could discuss only love affairs with the girlfriends.
By the way, so coincided that at that moment my sister (before she is married never was, but had the daughter) in 29 years met the man of the dream and hastily married (that is “in the 30th beginnings all over again“)...
the Situation was aggravated by information which I on particles obtained from Denis: it turned out that he is not married (!) . On a New Year`s office party it modestly took an interest in my personal status (of course, I told it that I am not married - and she became suddenly grateful to the common-law husband for the fact that that whether from laziness, whether from indifference still did not take away me in the REGISTRY OFFICE).began to be developed by
of the Event in the fall and reached the heat at peak of winter. In the dark winter evenings we sat in its softly consecrated office the friend opposite to the friend and worked together, discussing “between lines“ more and more non-working subjects. Several times it gave a ride to me to the house halfway; began to invite me together to have dinner. For the rest our communication was not beyond working walls... And me it was very painful: in the head I broke up with the common-law husband for a long time and literally waited only for “signal“ from the new beloved to merge with it in a uniform rush in all vital aspects: physically, emotionally, socially. I waited, waited, hoped, no to tell more precisely, trusted. What bright erotic scenes rushed in my brain during our evening working sit-round gathering! And on the workplace I was engaged in the fact that I looked for ways of interpretation of man`s nonverbal behavior on the Internet. Generally, suffered. And the signal, that is any intelligible explanation - the offer from darling all did not arrive.
to give vent to the gushed feelings, the obstinate hero of A. Celentano chopped firewood at night. And I began to keep the diary - it helped me to transfer emptiness of involuntary separations with Denis. Describing all taken place events and the feelings, I as if again endured ours with it communication, fed the hopes.
A that my common-law husband? It is banal sounds, but he noticed nothing and behaved still. Periodically asked me to drive behind beer, whiled away nights on days off at the TV or left on a visit to the friend. At my request repaired my bicycle... Absolutely parallel existence. I even kept the diary, being with it in one room (he indifferently changed channels, without being interested in my literary trash at all). However, in our intimate life also everything occurred without changes - and it it very much helped me. Of course, those minutes I thought of the beloved... Anyway, the physical relations with the husband allowed me not to burn down on fire all of the burning passion to Denis.
No motions in my “office romance“ for half a year occurred, and washing passion did not cease. And then at the end of winter I decided to try to escape from the vain hopes by the most cardinal method - to visit far novel places. The choice fell to India. The combined round the Gold Triangle + rest to GOA. Such variety of impressions simply could not but distract me from my love experiences. Of course, I called with myself and the husband, believing that I in his presence to me will long once absolutely for Denis. The husband, as expected, refused flatly (so was on the eve of all my previous trips abroad), and the list of documents prepared by me for registration of the international passport just broke off. Well - not to get used, I will treat one.
Expecting a departure at the airport, I stirred by phone with Denis. He it seems even wanted to see off me, but, according to him, got stuck in traffic jams.
Travel to India was bright, saturated and informative, it was very lucky with the guide. During a trip on the Gold Triangle our group consisted of only four people so it was very comfortable. I drove on an elephant in Amber`s Fort, walked on the beautiful Pink city of Jaipur, admired an immortal monument to love of Tadzh - Makhal, Dudsagare bathed in the second-large falls in India, visited all Hindu temples mislaid in the jungle in GOA... And as impress the Portuguese Catholic basilicas and ruins of the monastery of Augustinians against tropical landscapes of old GOA! And what tender Arabian Sea!
Ya perfectly looked, sitting on an elephant,
Went I across India - the fantastic country.
Ah where we only together did not wander!
I in narrowness perfectly got on.
(V. S. Vysotsky)
one seller of souvenirs in GOA in which bench I left the fair sum of money suggested me to sweep Once on its motorcycle. We went by the rice fields which are picturesquely framed with palm trees, and the driver continually paid my attention to the gone to pieces remains of the Portuguese country houses... The decline meeting on very beautiful beach of Koko - a scourge was the culmination of that evening. In the best traditions of advertizing stamps of a palm tree on this beach inclined directly to the sea...
at the beginning of March I came back home. At the airport I was met by my husband with flowers. Denis on sent by me on the arrival of SMS - ku did not even answer...
generally, in our relations with Dnis so nothing cleared up. We still worked hard together, communicated in cafe during lunch breaks, occasionally he called me. I bragged to it of the impressions of a trip. And all...
did not need to suffer at me more than forces this uncertainty. All female in me categorically does not allow me to show independently an initiative in the relations with the man. And to wait it became intolerable. Hopes thawed, and the passion did not want to thaw - on the contrary, it seems to me, uncertainty inflamed it even stronger.then I decided “to cut
I on live“ - to quit that job. Professional stagnation became an official reason for leaving, but only I and the closest to me girlfriends knew the true reason of my dismissal - I needed personal definiteness. If I interest Denis not only as the colleague, he will find a way to communicate with me. Otherwise - after dismissal I will suffer very much from impossibility to see the beloved, but gradually the wound will drag on, and all the time will heal.Quickly enough I found
to myself new work. In spite of the fact that it was necessary to be up on on the new place, it did not disturb me still even at work to shudder from each phone call. Denis did not disappear from my life after my dismissal, only, strangely enough, nothing especially changed. We communicated by phone and by e-mail, our relations still could not be determined by any status.
I once... I for work was called by my husband and began to read quotes from my diary in which I poured out all the love experiences! This there was shock, horror. I was not even frightened of the fact that the husband learned about my “novel“ (sooner or later, after receiving corresponding “signal“ I was going to tell it about everything). But I did not want to hurt my husband so. - it is simple to tell one business:“ Sorry, expensive, apparently, it is boring for us together, our relations became obsolete. Let`s disperse friends, you can see the son when you want“. And quite another matter - to bare the most intimate corners of heart before the native person, in paints to show how you long for other man of what feats it is capable from - for this of other man (to desert a family, to deprive of the child of daily communication with the father, to quit the quite good job, to dash away on the other end of the world)...
the husband came across my diary incidentally, took it for the son`s medical card which looked for, and began to read. Also called me.
What I needed to do? I then solved: well everything, with the novel there was an embarrassment, and the husband is lost. Perhaps so it better? Perhaps for this purpose Denis in my life was also necessary to realize emptiness of my coexistence near the husband that I understood myself and began new life in 30 years?However everything appeared
not so simply. In the evening of the same day of “opening“, on a bench at a playground, watching the playing son, I tried to explain to the husband the position: you good and kind, but forgive, we do not suit one another. With Denis sense at me nothing was, but I fell in love with him, and, so I do not love you any more. Why I to you, such wind and uneasy? Let`s disperse - the benefit are officially unmarried, but we will be friends, especially are obliged to bring up the son together. And you need the wife quiet, house and appeasable that on adventures did not pull, and one did not depart to India.
I here after this conversation at the age of already 31 year I, at last, felt the beloved. Perhaps, for the first time in life. I underestimated my husband - instead of on - silent to disperse (as I assumed), my husband began to make just titanic efforts in order that I remained with him.
He began to fill up me with bouquets of roses. Quickly itself collected and carried all necessary documents in travel agency for registration of the international passport. Beer was forgotten. Every evening I listened to compliments, declarations of love and offers to go to the REGISTRY OFFICE.
Not so ready to such rough turn of events, I began to feel sorry for the husband. But at the same time decided not to be given - answered all his arrangements rigid “no“. Asked it to live (at least temporarily) separately - I supposedly should be alone, I do not want to change the decision out of pity (I will notice what to it was where to leave - his mother lives in the neighboring house, one in the three-room apartment and is always very glad to the son). It came from work late at night, and I ceased to let it home, and even it packed things. He called me till half of the night, I did not take the call. He spent the night on a bench at an entrance to our entrance, and in the mornings followed me when I conducted the child in a garden. It even somehow threw in me the credit card - a pier, maybe, money is necessary to you? Take away everything, I need nothing!
Nevertheless absolutely to forbid it come I could not - we agreed that I will not limit his communication with the son. And it, coming to us, waited when the child goes to bed, and renewed the siege. Reached that we, the mature uncle and the aunt, in the own apartment began to make love on a padded stool in a hall! It from the fact that I to it did not allow to spend the night and it just besieged me at the exit from the apartment. And I, the weak woman, could not oppose to such pressure of passions.... Here and we lived several months. And in the relations with Denis uncertainty remained, and I hoped for something!
Assessing a situation reason, I understood that chances in the relations with Denis - 1 for 1000. And, seemingly, my heat all - began to abate - year of the fruitless relations could not but just extinguish even the hottest passion. Besides what I so strongly dreamed of (the bright relations, rough spontaneous sex, the sea of tenderness and love), I received from the most unexpected place - from the husband! Well, I think, here it where, destiny - that: it was necessary just to frighten the husband the fastest gap, and at once family life became, as in the Mexican series.
In October we went to a romantic trip to Cyprus - the husband still remembers it with big tenderness.
After Cyprus to me was unexpectedly offered new interesting rto abot. I agreed, settled. And here Denis suddenly appeared! That is it I so decided that it appeared. Actually, unlike our previous communication, he just began a thicket to call and suggested to meet.
Ya from congenital adventurism agreed to meet Denis. Everything appeared very prosy: Too offered Denis new work (certainly, on a senior position and with big prospects). And here at the initial stage financial consultations were necessary for it. It was necessary to make competently business - the plan for the effective presentation to the owner of that business which it was offered to it to develop.
Outside again. We met in cafe of large malls, once he invited me to himself in new office. Suggested to meet at my place, but I, by itself, refused. I as could, konspirirovatsya from the husband (at that time I did not turn out any more him when it came after work). And communicating with Denis, switched-off the mobile phone. However, everything was harmless: as well as a year ago, we only worked together. Scenery changed: instead of working walls we were sheltered by walls of cafes, instead of the desktop computer there was a laptop. Except work nothing was. Absolutely... Having worked the whole day off, we had even not dinner (at most Denis was ready to treat “generously“ me with a mug of green tea or a glass of ice cream). After work Denis brought me to the next subway. Well, I felt free labor. My illusions finally dissipated. Perhaps, was a big mistake to continue to keep the ill-fated diary. My husband found the perepryatanny diary and read its last lines: I wrote about what me is banal use, and there is no love where there is no erotic inclination and sacrifice. Yes, at that time I already very well knew what is the true man`s love.
our Last meeting with Denis symbolically took place on the eve of New year. We sat in cafe (this time he all - favourably decided to treat me salatiky - it was necessary to represent somehow gratitude for so many free working days off). Having repaid this symbolical “debt“, he began to call absolutely seldom. I knew that it several times flew to business trips to America, but all this was somehow vague and indistinct. Communicated with it already just out of curiosity. If not I then the destiny surely compensates sooner or later it the sufferings transferred me and my husband and humiliations.
there passed one and a half years Since then. We live together with my husband and our son. External “facade“ of our family did not change, but only we together know what cardinal internal change we endured! As the hero “Flying mice“, we with the husband suddenly realized that we closed books about each other on the most interesting page (fondly believing before it that we read them entirely). And now we read these books since the beginning... By the way, we travel only all family now. After Cyprus we endured very bright and saturated trip to Spain and France, spontaneously flew to Egypt, now we prepare to the train into the North Caucasus. And in due form sciences we plan the second child...I consider
Ya that Denis was the strangest and even fantasmagorichny figure in all this history. In - the first, its motives up to the end are not clear (perhaps, they changed over time). In - the second, it, itself about that without suspecting (and, of course, without wishing that), exerted fatal impact on life not only mine, but also my husband - the person unfamiliar to it. But also the strangest: really he indeed did not guess my family life “off-screen“?
Few months ago Denis called me. I did not learn either its voice, or its phone number. No, he called me not for the sake of financial consultations. Being a little drunk, he asked me: “You have Olya in life nothing global occurred during this time? Well, you understand about what I? Well tell in detail how you live?“
Ya I guess what comments of sceptics to this article will be: “Well, and what here it? The novel - that, in fact, was not, did not leave a family where here the beginning of new life in 30 years?“
But and the subject of conference which was an incitement to my story described that situation when at a safe, it seems, “external facade“ the woman has a family no desire to continue to live in such wellbeing. Just because to it it is insufferably sad, she has stagnation at heart and an absolute indifference from the partner... You remember, how in “Anna the Kareniny“: Anna at the beginning of the novel goes by the train and reads the book. And so she wanted to become the heroine of the novel, to dump from itself burden of boring daily occurrence, to begin to lead the real life!
Ya also began to lead in 30 years the real life, and I live it still - I live and I enjoy that I am a woman, the Beloved. And the fact that my new life is constructed by my permanent husband - in my opinion, only has to install optimism: if you want to change private life, it is absolutely optional to change the husband!
Of course, my recipe of “new life“ it is impossible to call universal: to fall in love, try to get divorced, and then, at the peak of emotional dismantling, to disclose suddenly in the husband such qualities about which earlier did not even suspect! At other couple the situation could develop absolutely according to other scenario...
All very individually. I am sure of one: never it is impossible to be afraid to begin to live anew.
By the way, we with the husband did not reach the REGISTRY OFFICE. Who knows what beginning of new life expects me years so in 60 - 70 years?