The adoptive father and society
How to say that you took the child in a family? In many western countries this question would seem far-fetched - there adoption is considered absolutely normal for families irrespective of whether they can have own children. However at us the idea to take the orphan in a family sometimes is perceived negatively or with suspicion. Even the kindest reaction will not be deprived at least surprise, and to it it is necessary to be ready.Grant
, the healthiest reaction and understanding can be met among children. When I told the son`s friends that we take the girl from Children`s home, children at first strongly were surprised that the child can not have mothers and fathers, and then specified:
- That is, you will be her mother?
- Aha, clear.
“Aga, it is clear“. And all. Because for children who were not told horror stories about “bad genes“, etc., a world picture absolutely unambiguous yet: each child has to have mother. And point. I sometimes remember this conversation as about an example of the normal relation to adoption. All the rest - from the evil.
the Question familyto
to Relatives and close friends most often about future adoption is reported in advance. And in advance prepare for ambiguous reaction. A little to whom parents rush with open embraces and rough pleasure on the fact that the grandson “from outside“ is expected. Other relatives can also disapprovingly speak of your decision. Here what narrow moments in conversation can arise.
“It has bad genes“. Relatives declare that the child of asocial and unsuccessful people (in such cases of 99% of children remain orphans) by all means will go on a slippery path because he has “bad genes“.
From the point of view of logic can give the mass of examples from life, and also results of scientific researches that genes are not the only thing and not the main thing at all that defines the choice of a course of life by the person. And it is necessary to stock up with them. However in practice the fear of “bad genes“ is not so much rational how many podsoznatelen. To justify bad behavior of the person with “a patrimonial damnation“ is an attempt to find the simple answer to very difficult question: why the person turns out such, but not other. It is impossible to fill great variety of the reasons which form the human person with human reason - here and the thought about “genes - crocodiles“ appears. It is better to discuss this subject not only with “scientific base“ in hands, but also with a mass of vital examples which show, as with bad genes and even in an unsuccessful situation of people can grow remarkable. At the same time gradually carrying out thought that the temperament by inheritance “is given“, health and features of character but as the person all this “on a condition of a problem will be allowed“ to realize - depends on education.
“Should give birth to the“. Subconsciously it is considered that between blood relatives there is a reliable communication, and with the adopted child there is no such communication therefore “it will be impossible to rely on him“. To argue with the fact that affection for biological mother is formed in a womb and “is made out“ in the course of natural childbirth and the first months of life - it is senseless. That is with the blood child the nature helps to establish proximity is the fact. You should not challenge the statement, it is better to show on examples of your acquaintances how close can be the relations “not - relatives“. Surprisingly, but fact: for many parents the example from favourite series will become argument.
“And here the real mother will appear...“ In words parents will be afraid of purely external problems that she will demand money or will try to select the child. In reality biological mothers avoid meetings with the left children as it very strongly injures them. And it is not enough opportunities to find for you at them even if the desire will appear. However in practice concerns your parents not so much biomother`s claims how many lack of your communication with the child, described above. Therefore it is worth mentioning small probability of such meeting, but it is better to place emphasis on the fact that you will manage to become the real family, to remember the Russian proverb “Not that mother that gave rise, and that that she grew up“. Positive examples can be found also in the Soviet cinema. Series “Owner of Orphanage“ from Gundareva, “Don Quixote`s Children“ with Papanov, etc.
Yes, of a subject for conversation not from pleasant. So can, well it to the wood goblin! To present relatives with a fait accompli - and all? It is possible and so, however this heavy conversation has very big practical advantage. In - the first, the family says aloud what many people around will think of. On them you train to discuss similar questions. In - the second, close people quite often voice our own fears. If the question touches you and causes strong emotions, so it is not completely solved by you therefore once again will not be to speak the narrow moments superfluous.
In talk with relatives try to make also several other things.Motivate with
- them on acceptance of the child. Will be pleasantly proud of some that their daughter made a noble act (let you know about yourself that “nobility“ in this case not so your motive, but it will be pleasant to parents). Once again remind them that it they brought up you the warm-hearted, sympathetic person.
- Involve them in preparation for adoption, you ask about the help and accept it. Describe them pluses of this decision: what pleasure will be derived by your parents - an opportunity to care for the kid or to support you, for example.
- do not expect at once unconditional support of your decision. Eventually, even parents not always react to news of pregnancy of the daughter joyfully from the first words. Maintain a time - a miss. Report about the decision and take a break that relatives “digested information“ and prepared to you inconvenient questions. Then talk. Then once again return to conversation. do not try to draw and overpersuade
- . Much more effective tactics - to report about the decision and to transfer conversation to the course “And what confuses you? What are you afraid of?“ That is to turn conversation with “to take the child or not?“ on “we take the child, let`s discuss what in it disturbs you“. >
the fact of adoption it is difficult to li to conceal
From relatives, and from people of a distant circle - quite if you take absolutely small child. Many families which wish to hide adoption imitate pregnancy, move to the new apartment, etc. This your right which is necessary to you under the law. However if you take
in a family of quite adult child or if you do not plan to suppress the adoption fact, on this subject it is necessary to talk to people. In advance it is not obligatory to inform neighbors on your decision. But when the kid will appear in the house, by all means acquaint him with all whom you got used to greet on the street, in shop, etc. Quietly tell that now you have a son or the daughter, you adopted the child, and just go further on the affairs. Let people will discuss this subject behind your back - nothing terrible, they need “to digest“ news and to talk about it. Then communicate with them indifferently, tell about progress of the child: “and we already learned so and so, and we are already...“ So you will help people to accept your kid as self-evident.For certain to you will ask
some questions of less intimate property, than in the bosom of the family. Usually ask that it is known of biological parents, as health of the kid - answer exactly so much how many you consider it necessary, but try that people had no feeling that you hide something. Secrets excite human imagination and prevent to take your act for granted. If your kid has something in the past that can push away people (biomother is condemned, the child kontakten on HIV, the child received from biomother of ZPP, biomother abused alcohol, etc.) invent a legend, from it it will be worse to nobody. Optimal variant: biomother - the nonresident student, not the alcoholic, not the addict, and young - silly, left the kid in maternity hospital, the kid weak, started, but healthy. Still people like to ask how members of your family treat the kid. You should not mention deep problems if they are, it is better to draw parallels with the blood child, to emphasize those things which the general for all families: “How husband? Yes as all - grumbles that does not get enough sleep, but is happy. How son? Yes as usual: is jealous of small a little, becomes angry that the kid is enough his book“, etc.
People around for certain will note that the child lags behind in physical and intellectual development peers. Do not perceive it as aggression, turn conversation towards sympathy:“ Of course, in children`s home it was hard for it, but the doctor says that gradually the kid will make up for everything“. People can test tension concerning the adopted children only at the beginning. And then they get used, seeing that they the kid remarkable, and concern him with sympathy and understanding.
Doctors, tutors and other employees
In communication with these people your line will depend on that how open you consider information on adoption.
Full secret. If you plan to keep secret of adoption not only from people around, but also from the child, then it is necessary to provide those situations in which your kid “does not fit“ into the standard. Let`s tell at once, you should show the certificate on adoption not once so “secret“ is very conditional here.to you is required to be explained to
- For statement on the registration account why the child was not registered earlier anywhere. If it absolutely the baby, you can tell that there were problems with health, and the reason in it. Concerning more senior children there can be conflicts in a passport office. However, you have the right to register the child on the basis of the certificate that he is not registered at the father. should show to
- For an exchange of the medical policy the certificate on adoption on the basis of which the middle name and a surname are changed the child.
However if you live not in a small town, information from these sources most likely will not reach your neighbors. Other business - policlinic. If you plan to keep full secret, ask to make an extract convenient to you of the card in policlinic to which your children`s home, on a new name is attached. If it cannot be made, just ask to issue in children`s home to you the card of inoculations (on it it is possible not to put a stamp of establishment) and tell that you moved recently, and the card from the old residence was not taken away. Let get new from your words. should answer you with
- In policlinic questions of the birth and development of the kid, doctors will note a delay in development - think over a plausible legend and be ready to inconvenient questions from a series “well that you, mummy...“ . write
- For protection of secret of adoption on the birth certificate the word “repeated“, just as on that which is given instead of lost. You can use it as argument if you are confused with inconvenient questions in instances.
as it is not necessary to invent anything, however they have problems. Surrounding, unusual to the adopted children, can show to you special attention which irritates. You want that treated you as to all, and here one speak about your “nobility“, others look with suspicion... Try to understand that it is not aggression in your address. People just faced the new phenomenon on which the set of stereotypes is hung. Be open and at the same time “broadcast the normality“, emphasize similarity of your child with any other, you say that it was necessary to it hardly, but it so relaxes and develops that it pleases you. And when becomes absolutely unbearable - it happens sometimes from questions or the next comment on how your child differs from others - remember how children react to news of adoption. Very much helps me.