Whether Lyubov in Russian of
features of the Russian national character Influence such thin matters how love and the family relations? It would seem, around the world equally speak “I love“ and “I do not love“, are jealous, suffer, look for and do not find an ideal. We like to compare ourselves to foreigners and to claim that we - others, in everything special.
I especially, special in love, we are just world champions in love - we show many years to the backward foreign population in love what is the real passion: who rushes under the train and, slightly what not on us, burns millions in an oven?! Our passions the most passionate! But the love love, and a family is not only love or even not love at all, it is social institute, and absolutely other laws work here. Let`s start anew - what we want from marriage?Any mother wants
that the daughter married. And it is clear: mother grew up and was created in Soviet period when was considered that it is necessary to marry by all means at institute because then “you will come to work, and there all married“!
A the daughter? She wants in marriage too. Wants small and happy love which will quickly end with a wedding, wants that it had the house, the man, the child. It is normal. Also let`s bashfully not hide from the truth, many girls, it is not obligatory the most bad and mercenary at all, want not just to marry, they want to marry successfully, in other words, look for in a marriage of material security. But why don`t they want it? Society was so accurately divided now that often successful marriage - the only chance which will be able to rearrange the woman from one social step on another: today she sells potato in the market, and tomorrow - the princess in the palace...
Complexity № 1. Different views
the British experts believe that one of the most important conditions for happy joint life is a coincidence of political views. Sounds strange and as though a little primitively, the truth? Among my American acquaintances there were couple which left from - for the fact that it all life the republican, and she suddenly became the ardent democrat. But for us, in general, not so actually, in any case, I did not hear it that someone divorced because of love or dislike for Brezhnev, Yeltsin, Gorbachev or Putin.
Decision. But if all - at you is different views (on policy or on something fundamental), then it can be used remarkably in order that we were not stopped loving, and fell in love even more. And only that it is also necessary to us! It is special technology of communication, it is called the echo equipment and is that you have to repeat the last word of your husband (or wives), that, most inducing to speak further. For example: “I consider that Zhirinovsky is a great politician...“ You: “Great politician?“ - “Yes, because it...“
And so on. Let it is not interesting to you to learn more about Zhirinovsky, and let you be not interested in thoughts of your husband (wife) about it at all, he or she will be flattered with your attention, interest, desire to understand and - will fall in love with you even more. Only do not go too far, and that the partner will decide that you are his darling confuse.
Complexity № 2. Different habits
British consider as necessary conditions of family happiness the general addictions in food, the identical attitude towards animals and similar views on a pornography.
“Food“ - and wants, indulgently grinning, to tell:“ To us your problems“, the love to animals is purely English feature, and here as for a pornography, it is possible to agree here - in principle. If one of partners wants bright, various and playful sexual life, and another - the adherent of a missionary pose in complete darkness, it can serve as the cause of conflict and even divorce. Family sex - business much more difficult, than sex of lovers, family sex is always available, it does not need to try to obtain and, therefore, it is always possible to postpone, it needs to be rescued from the monotonian Period or, in other words, from boredom. At our many women the whole system of sexual encouragement and punishment is developed. Punishment by deprivation of sex for man`s family faults (did not bring potato - there will be no sex), is the lovely Russian custom resulting from old Soviet conviction that sex is not necessary to women, and is necessary only to men. This our collective unconscious as in a mirror, it is reflected in jokes: the Russian woman during sex thinks that it would be necessary to whitewash a ceiling. It does not mean that in practice we are less sexually sympathetic, than the European women, and means that in household consciousness the thought sits tight that “only one and it is necessary to men“. And we to ourselves do not admit for anything that it is necessary to us the same, and we will languidly pretend that sex is an award to the husband for good behavior and progress in work.
Decision. If the husband and the wife have a different relation to sex and they found it not to, and after a wedding... Oh my God! What to do?! If our partner is more sexual, than we (and we have all the time “the head hurts“), or our partner differently is sexual, than we, generally, if something does not suit us, then you should not address books on sexual the technician. It is unimportant: hand there, and leg here. It is rather important that at the person in the head. It is necessary to talk by all means on this subject, not to suppress bashfully, and to tell gently: “You know, the road (or expensive)...“ But here here that important - how to tell. You watch that any your phrase did not begin with not. “Do not do“, it “is not necessary“, “I do not want“, it “is not pleasant“. You do not speak “do not do it“, you speak “do so“.
I, the most important, begin with something it seems: “To me it is so good with you that better and cannot be... Though is not present, can! Here if you... Then it will be already just unearthly happiness!“ Check.
Complexity № 3. Who main?
In our Russian family one strange contradiction, but what to do, such we trembling is, all are weaved from contradictions... We have a full matriarchy in the presence of idea of service to the man. On the one hand, the power of the woman in a family is huge and extends to all most important: where to live how to change the apartment and work, where to go to have a rest, on all questions connected with education of the child how to feed to what and where to learn, - everything is solved by the woman. On the other hand, our Russian mentality assumes service to the man, conviction that the uncle main and solves. To be married means to be for the husband, that is to feel quiet and protected, absolutely safe. The unexpected thing turns out from this contradiction: the great number of the women living in “successful“ marriage with surprise realize:“ I all life thought that it main, and appears, I always everything solve it and I direct everything... “
the Russian women differently treat violence, and it not kindly and not badly, and simply is so. At a foreign look, the Russian woman in lovingly - the family relations is a little masochist - she accepts idea of suffering, submission in advance... In one European language there are no proverbs with such clear sense of acceptance of violence:“ The falling out of lovers is the renewal of love “, “ beats, so loves“. And fondly to think that this stereotype is assigned only to common people, it not so - acceptance of violence sits in subconsciousness of the most intelligent women tight. The rare woman was not exposed to violence in the form in which it is understood in the West - slightly - slightly violent sex, an easy slap in the face in quarrel, the rough word in dispute. Will not come to the Russian woman to mind to accuse the husband of moral violence, and very much will even come European. The moral violence is a psychological pressure, threat, coercion to decision-making, violation of the personal rights.
style of a showdown in a family is influenced by our width, boldness, impulsiveness (we do not consider how to arrive, and we give in to feelings). And many consider that they when they in a family fight frying pans, and in a minute kiss, it is natural.
Decision. We do not speak about cases of violence which becomes a subject of attention of social bodies. Now we speak about thin things - about moral violence, in other words, manipulate us, and we try to resist. Our strongest weapon in fight against a manipulation is to try to manipulate the partner, and for this purpose we have to... to tell about the feelings. Be not surprised - the words “for me it is very offensive“, “I feel such guilty“ and so on cause trust of the partner, repentance, sense of guilt, pity and other that gives us the chance to take rest and resist further, and even to win.
Complexity № 4. Parents
One more feature of our family relations are proximity, big in comparison with Europeans, and warmth in the relations of young couple with mother - the father. Let`s take, for example, Germans - quite recently the German sociologists with surprise noticed that communication between adult children and parents is much stronger, than they assumed. They - that thought that their German adult children call parents of times a month or time a year, and they, it appears, call once a week. You represent, whole once a week! Often, probably, but at all not as at us! At us now too all try to live separately, but in young, and at times and not in very young family there is always hidden witness - his or her mother. Or both mothers.“ My mother asks why you late came yesterday home and where you were“, and “My mother told that you incorrectly cook borsch“... Whether it is bad whether it is good, but at us so. For example, it is pleasant to me: I love the mummy and I call her every day, and my daughter loves the mummy, that is me, and I would not want that she called me “very often, once a week“, but not three - four times a day.
Decision. But nevertheless what to do to protect itself from mother`s intervention? To speak “mother, I have the family“ is useless and, the main thing, strikes with a ricochet ourselves, we love mother... Here the first and main - not to tell mother anything bad about the husband (or especially about the wife, here mother will definitely not take out). The second - to tell mother bad about the husband (or the wife), but it has to be cunning “slightly - slightly bad“ that mother understood - this foreign person did not replace her to the baby (kid) mummy... The third - to find something the general between mother and the husband:“ He, as well as you, mummy, speaks to me that I put on a warm hat“ - or “He too very much loves your pies“. If anything there is no general, it is possible to think up - the imagination develops on the course.
Complexity № 5. Money
Well, and one more extremely important aspect of family life - money. Influence of money for the relations in a family in Russia where continuous voluntarism, and in the West where even children have legislatively affirmed rights is very interesting. For example, the child can demand from parents pocket money and if do not give, to complain in social bodies.
As for money, at us it is still more and more idealistic and indistinct, than in the West where in fact respect in a family in direct ratio to a salary. At them two options are possible. Or, as in the German family, everything is painted: who what does and who that receives. Or economic independence when the husband and the wife do not know who how many he earns, at everyone and at restaurant everyone pays the bank account for himself.both of us option are impossible
U, and in general, everything is washed absolutely away: who how many the authorities in a family will grasp, is so much and drags, and the number of the power in a family most often does not depend on the amount of earnings. Of course, we do not take into account very much - very rich - if such money, then and the power in a family same huge. We and here do not know any measure! We have a dependence - so dependence: at poor wives of rich husbands such huge fear at divorce to lose all is absolutely impossible in a civilized society.
Decision. If in a family the different relation to money (it is reasonably prudent, he can shirk everything, or he is a cheapskate, and she is an extravagant woman), then... - you want honestly? - here only cunning will help. My council will seem not council of the psychologist and writer, but council of the neigbour of the aunt Mani, but I as the psychologist, I confirm: intuitively the aunt Manya is right! And so, the relation of the person with money is such intimate, thin business that here you will change nothing... Therefore council of the aunt Mani: do grists! With the greedy person - to buy friends decent gifts for memorable and not memorials, with the spendthrift - that remained for lunch when he beautifully shirks everything...